"One languid, melodious Saturday afternoon, I had the best orgasm of my life. It was the sort of event that builds and builds like the pressure on a crumbling dam and explodes in an avalanche of bliss, a wave of delicious convulsions. My entire body tensed and shook and finally went involuntarily limp, and I literally passed out. It was the kind of orgasm that only a woman can give — to herself." A great ode to self-love from Heather Grantham at the Cornell Daily Sun, which concludes "Lack of an available penis will never keep us from indulging our sexual appetites." Indeed.
If you fancy writing about your own best orgasms and getting rewarded with free sex toys for doing so, sign up to the Orgasm Army. We've already had hundreds of entries and we're still looking for more.
From No Nechevishment Here!, a blog about living in China: "It was most mopinatry. This is our latest Chinglish word, referring to otherwise unremarkable objects, activities - or, indeed, smells - when found in totally incongruous locations, pronounced 'mop-in-a-tree', for self-explanatory reasons. China provides endless opportunities for utilising this word; for example, the very unsubtle array of sex toys and performance-enhancing pills sold alongside the beer, loo roll, snacks and cigarettes at the little family-run shop down the road (the one with the cute little 'hello-thank you-bye bye' girl). This crazy country; we love it really."
"Jose Escalante is a free man. And for that, dildo lovers all across Houston should celebrate.
Escalante is a clerk at Adult Video Megaplex in north Houston, and he faced a year in jail and a $4,000 fine for selling obscene devices. Specifically, according to the arrest report, such novelties as the "Hustler Cyber Jel-Lee Magnum Cock With Balls Dildo."
As a practical matter, according to Richard Kuniansky, Escalante's lawyer, police take into account just how much an item resembles an actual penis when making an arrest. A vibrator is fine; a "magnum cock with balls dildo" is not. Having more than six dildos means you intend to distribute them, and that's against the law.
Escalante's trial began October 11. "Jury selection was highly unusual in a case like this," Kuniansky says, "because I didn't want someone who would freak out over seeing a great big penis. So during jury selection I literally pulled out the biggest, baddest penis I could find and held it up."
It's worth reading this story from the Houston Press in full. It's jawdropping in its stupidity. It is, in fact, a complete load of cock and balls. (Geddit?).
BBC News recently reported that: "Many more women should be offered long-lasting birth control such as the contraceptive jab, the body advising the NHS in England and Wales says.
The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence estimates the move would cut the number of unplanned pregnancies by 70,000 each year.
In 2003-4, only 8% of women aged 16-49 used long-acting contraceptives, which also include implants and the coil.
That compared with 25% who took the Pill and 23% who relied on condoms.
The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) says that the advantage of the long-lasting birth controls is that women do not have to remember to use contraceptives every day or each time they have sex.
It has now issued guidance for England and Wales saying that long-acting reversible contraceptive (LARC) methods should be offered to all women seeking advice on contraception."
Making sure you have safe sex is crucial to having a stress-free, healthy sex life - if you prefer to use condoms rather than the Pill or jabs, Lovehoney has a whole range of the best condoms at the best prices that will be discreetly delivered to your door. It's worth remembering that condoms help prevent sexually transmitted diseases too, which the Pill and jabs can't do. Sexuality.org has a great guide to safer sex if you need some straightforward info about it all.
New Scientist: "Sex and romantic entanglements among astronauts could derail missions to Mars and should therefore be studied by NASA, warns a top-level panel of US researchers.
NASA plans to return astronauts to the Moon by 2018 and later on to Mars. But a round-trip mission to the Red Planet would probably last at least 30 months and carry six to eight people. That would be a hotbed for intense crew relationships, says a report by the US National Academy of Sciences (NAS).
"With the prospect of a very long-term mission, it's hard to ignore the question of sexuality," says Lawrence Palinkas, a medical anthropologist at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, an author of the report. It reviewed NASA's plans for research to keep astronauts safe and healthy in space – but the plans make no mention of sexual issues in spaceflight."
The article sadly doesn't make any mention of the most interesting part of this - what it would be like to have sex in space. Imagine being weightless while making whoopee. You can get a love swing to suspend you or your partner in mid air that lets you have the next best thing to intergalactic intercourse. The love swing gives you 360 degree gravity-defying sex! Samatha from Sex And The City had one - you can too! We haven't got round to stocking spacesuits in the lingerie section, but give us time…
The Scotsman: "The sex drug Viagra can cut the physical effects of stress on the heart by as much as 50 per cent, according to new research.
Normally used to treat impotence, it was found to be effective when treating simulated stress as a result of emotional problems or exercise, and the scientists behind the work said it could be developed as a treatment for heart patients."
We've got a whole range of VigRX male enhancement products for you to try out or for girls to surprise their partner with - not sure if we can guarantee it's good for your heart like the scientists, but it'll certainly help the flow of blood to other areas…
CineKink is a New York film festival which featured "a specially selected program of films and videos that explore and celebrate a wide diversity of alternative sexuality". Tied for the Best Experimental Short award: 'Harigata: The Alien Dildo That Turned Women Into Sex-Hungry Lesbos'.
Well, of course.
"Rub your penis with the bristles of certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for ten nights with oils, rub it with the bristles as before. Swelling will be gradually produced. Then lie on a hammock with a hole in it and hang the penis through the hole. Take away the pain from the swelling by using cool concoctions. The swelling lasts for life." Kamasutra, translated by Sir Richard Burton and F. F. "Bunny" Arbuthnot (1883)
Just one of the gems to be found in John Naish's Put What Where? 2000 Years Of Bizarre Sex Advice. Naish gives an amusing - if terrifying - roundup of his book's contents in a recent article for The Times. Sample quote: "The printing press enabled publishers to churn out dodgy books faster than the Church authorities could ban them. Readers were treated to gems such as Mrs Isabella Cortes’s handy hint from 1561 that a mixture of quail testicles, large-winged ants, musk and amber was perfect for straightening bent penises."
If you're looking for some more reliable advice, we've a big selection of up-to-the-minute better sex guides in The Erotic Book Shop, none of which advocate any sort of sexual engagement with a vacuum cleaner.
From News 24, via the irrepressible Pervscan: "Cambodian police, baffled as to why a deaf mute man would steal a telephone, soon found their answer when a witness led them to the phone in a local pawnbroker's shop and they then found the culprit in a nearby brothel, authorities said on Thursday. The police chief for Toul Sangke commune in Phnom Penh, Khat Darasi, said victim Ear Bunnarith, 40, reported his cellphone stolen on October 11 and named the culprit as a profoundly deaf man known only as Bun, 27. 'But neither the police nor the victim could understand why Bun would steal a telephone, as he cannot speak or hear. He had been friends with Bunnarith for many years without doing any wrong before,' Darasi told Deutsche Presse-Agentur dpa. 'It was not until a motorbike taxi driver came forward and told us where he had taken Bun after the phone disappeared that we realised he might not be able to use a telephone, but he is human. He stole the phone to buy love.' Darasi said the victim had declined to press charges against Bun after the phone, which he had pawned for $10, was returned, and Bun was released after promising to find more appropriate means to fund his love life in the future." - News24.com (South Africa)
Sexuality.org has a whacking great guide to sex toys and what they can do for you, all laid out in no-nonsense, straightforward terms. So if you're looking for more info about what toys might suit you best, give this a look.
There's also our very own Lovehoney University too, which has tons of unbiased info about what each of our arsenal of erotic delights can do for you. Plus it's got jokes. Bad ones, but they're still jokes.