|Circumstances:||Quickie before friend visited|
|How did he taste?||Grass / avocado / salt|
|Sperm Test Rating:||1|
|(1=normal, 100=Golden Delicious Apple)|
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Monday and the first day of our diary and we both knew what we had to do. I was a bit worried that it would take away the spontaneity, but Jason didn't seem to mind. We both work full-time and had a friend coming round in the evening, so there was no time to waste….
Jason was worried about cleanliness as he hadn't had time for a shower, so he felt the need to dip his 'Salty Sailor', as we have named it, in a cup of water before we started. The cup turned out to be appropriate as it was decorated with a chinese symbol for 'Good Luck'. So for anyone that knows us, don't accept an offer of coffee when you come round - now you know where that cup has been.
We then went through to the bedroom, I imagined his Salty Sailor was an ice-cream cone and got started. It didn't take long, in fact from flop to pop in five minutes. Verdict: the usual flavour - freshly mown grass with salty avocado.
With more than 2,500 applications, we had to have some way of choosing the right couples, so we asked potential Sperm Testers why they thought they'd make good test subjects for our suck-it-and-see trial.
We receieved a mind-boggling selection of responses from eager couples, many of which gave a startling insight into their relationships. You can just imagine the pillow talk…
1 "We've dyed his pubic hair, made a cock mould and put Space Dust inside me."
2 "After gobbling the same goo for 13 years, I'd definitely notice any difference in taste."
3 "My partner is a smoker and I would appreciate anything that would change the bitter taste in his fluids."
4 "I love to cum on her face and drink it after."
5 "We love to make each other sponk by mouth, tongue, WHAHEY"
6 "They don't call me the Wacky Cum Swallower for nothing!"
7 "We are both fussy eaters trying to get our five a day fruit and veg :)!!!!"
8 "Jon can cum for England (he is very generous with his 'load')"
9 "Pam is in the middle of changing her pill and can't have intercourse for the next month. The only sexual fun we are going to have is oral."
10 "I know how Stephen's semen tastes better than my own saliva. I'd notice any differences."
I wish you were here. I wish you all were because this place is simply heaven. My hotel room, now beautifully scented with the Jo Malone candles I bought last week, is basic but comfortable and the resort itself has the appearance of a mini paradise. This place is so beautiful that I'm feeling a smudge romantic. Shame I haven't got a significant other to share it with, though.
Oooh, speaking of significant others, do you remember me saying that Sasha was coming on this holiday with us? Well she is here, looking as sexy and toned as ever. There's a slight problem, though, in that she's brought her HUSBAND with her! When the hell did she get married? More to the point, when did she stop being a major lesbian? I have always been openly bi, but toward the end of our last year in uni Sasha was vehemently anti-men. Believe me when I say, my head is still swimming from the shock of it all.
When we were searching for a couple of Sperm Testers we asked you tell us where you'd had oral sex. It seems that there is absolutely nowhere you won't do it and nowhere you haven't done it…
1 "My granny's orthopaedic bed, with vibrating function….ooohh!!!!" And then had a go on the Stannah just for good measure.
2 "Beach, Carribean, Portugal, Kenya, Gran Canaria." Kind of a holiday treat for you, then?
3 "St Paul's Whispering Gallery." Shhhh! I'm coming!
4 "Tent (in field surrounded by others. repeatedly), on a public moving train (in the loos!)."
5 "On a coach. And by the way, we were in a traffic jam when we did whilst driving."
6 "I have done it underwater a couple of times while we scuba dive, we are both instructors." That's a relief. Always practise safe sex.
7 "Fireworks display." Is that a Roman Candle or…
8 "Hospital (in-patient); car bonnet; church altar (consecrated)." Does it make it better or worse that is was consecrated?
9 "In a cardboard box outside Wal*Mart during a live radio promotion." Raises more questions than it answers.
10 "Eurostar train on way back from paris (mm… very sexy)." Zut alors!
We were overwhelmed by the 2,500 Sperm Tester applications, so we've chosen another test couple. They've also agreed to donate a month of oral sex to the advancement of sexual science…
Sperm tester: Maya (Maya is a swallower)
Sperm donor: Shane
Maya and Shane have been a couple for 21 months and say they have oral sex a couple of times a week.
They have had oral sex in a remarkable number of places, including their kitchen, bathroom and lounge, as well as the front seat and back of their car, both stationary and while in motion. Crikey.
Maya says they would be great Sperm Testers because "We love oral sex!" It really is that simple.
Sperm Testing and Maya's intimate blow-by-blow online account of the trial will begin here on 12 September.
Maya will post a diary message every day, with specially detailed posts describing the taste of Shane's natural emissions every time they have oral sex. A control sample will be taken to gauge Shane's natural level of saltiness before the effects of the Sweet Release test product.
Hello, sex kittens! This is just a quickie to say I'm off to Mauritius on Sunday morning, so this is my last blog for this week. I will, however, be taking my laptop with me and I will update my site from the resort. Seriously, I can't wait to get out there.
Because I'll be sunning myself on the beach all day and partying like mad in the nights, I have decided to take three erotic books with me and I will blog next week from Mauritius and let you know about each of them. It'll be like our very own sexy beach book club!
So ciao for now, and I'll drop you a line next week to reveal some naughty snippets from the first of my dirty books. And, of course, to tell you of any holiday escapades!
Forget politics, religion, sex or money. There's nothing like the topic of pubic hair to get a group discussion going. I was sitting in the pub at lunchtime with a few close work colleagues, and one of them brought up the subject of pubic hair. It's not something you usually chat about to a colleague over a packet of Quavers and a G n' T, but I had to admire her courage.
Her problem is that, as with most boyfriends, her man wants her to shave off her pubic hair so that she is completely bald. Looking more than a bit petrified and not receiving much encouragement from the rest of our lunchtime group, I decided to 'fess up about my state of pubic play. I am completely shaven. You won't find one teeny-tiny little pube down there, my friends. I have a general dislike for pubic hair, and while it may be a natural occurrence, I have been known to lambaste many a lover for sporting some new kind of tropical plant. It's pure laziness to let things grow over down there. Sort it out!
Or should that be, how to blow just over two grand in a few hours? I kid you not, I've seriously screwed. I have just spent an obscene amount of money on a half-necessary shopping trip. An obscene amount of money that I can't really spare. Fuck!
OK, maybe it was necessary. Maybe everything I have bought today is absolutely essential. Yes, that's what I'll keep telling myself: I needed to spend all that cash on clothes and make-up otherwise the world would have ended. Hmmm, I'm feeling marginally better about it all now.
So, do you want to know why I spent all that cashola in as little as four hours? The reason why I've been shopping today is because I'm going on holiday next Sunday. At last, I'm finally tearing myself away from the grime of city life to up-sticks and leg it to Mauritius for a week of glorious sunshine and embarrassing tan lines.
Subtitled "A sex toy story", the Rabbit Fever movie hits UK cinema screens on 22 September.
It's blled as a mockumentary - think Spinal Tap or A Mighty Wind - but from the Web site it's nigh-on impossible to work out whether there's anything more in store than talking heads and smutty giggles. Let's hope so.
Some of the acting in the preview trailers makes Robin Asquith look like Sir John Gielgud, so you might have more fun staying in with your rabbit than going out to see a movie about one…
In fact, why not treat yourself to a new rabbit vibrator just for the occasion. ;-)