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  1. This week's selection of the great, good and not-so-good in the world of free online dirty words includes the following:

    -'s erotic stories page is a little cluttered and lacks the exhaustive categorisation of other sites, but comes with reader ratings, giving you exclusive insights into the sexual tastes of - well, girls directory visitors. The parent site is just what it says, a directory of girls - working girls, that is, so you can see who's available for home visits in your area. Although with callout fees of around £150 an hour, you might be better off with a Doc Johnson Jenna Jameson UR3 Vagina and Ass!

    - is, despite its enviable URL, a hobbyist site that could do with a design makeover. 'Originally a showcase for my stories, I now publish stories by amateur authors. Stories here are selected on their ability to turn me and other people on.' Why not take a look and see if you're one of these 'other people'?

    - won't be to all tastes, dedicated as it is to the spirit of 30s and 40s pulp fiction, but it's a beautifully designed site that isn't afraid to tell it like it is: 'Half-naked damsels in distress, hard-boozing gumshoes, lust-razed monsters, sick-minded villains, kinky sex secrets - pulp art and fiction were the places to find what you really wanted in the 30s and 40s.' And perhaps even today…

    Please let us know if we haven't selected your favourite site yet! There's only so much trawling we can do before our eyes begin to melt…

    Condomi Stimulation Condoms Why settle for run of the mill johnnies when textured or ribbed rubbers make sex so much more fun?

    Waterproof Vibrating Bath Massager Spotted in the Sun on 3 July, We're the splish sploshers, an article all about women whose greatest joy is getting wet. And no, we don't mean just between their legs, but all over! So the next time you see a couple wading into the sea fully clothed, or girls out walking the dog in a storm with no umbrella, you won't need to wonder why they're grinning from ear to ear any more. They've probably been having a great summer so far! The thought of those translucent clothes clinging to voluptuous curves makes us sympathetic to this particular kink, but if just getting in a bath with stilettos on is a turn-on, just imagine how much more fun it would be with a Waterproof Vibrating Bath Massager or something else from our range of toys for bathroom sex!

    Limber up girlies, cos this position requires a lot of flexibility in the leg department!

    Bunny Set with Bendable Bunny Ears Spotted in the Metro on June 27, Forget dogging - the new sex craze is 'furring'. Apparently footballers and funlovers all over the country are hiring furry animal costumes - one fancy-dress shop owner gets most requests for Sylvester the Cat - and getting them covered in sex juice during romps in the wood. St Austell has been pinpointed as epicentre of the 'furvert' craze, but we'd like to see it move away from the Cornish hinterlands and into the mainstream of British sex life. So if you fancy getting furry but don't want to shell out for a Cowardly Lion outfit, try a Bunny Set with Bendable Bunny Ears. But take some wellies if you're going in the woods, my Donald Duck feet got ruined by the mud last time…

    Use your fingers while giving your man a blow-job and watch him melt to pieces…

    Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Vibrator Spotted in the Sunday Mirror on 24 June, a story entitled Girl Lag Demands Sex Toy in Prison. The prisoner, who claims to be a sex addict, is threatening to sue prison chiefs if they don't allow her a rabbit vibrator. She's got a point: some prisons let you have electric shavers, while smokers are allowed cigarettes (jails are pretty much the only places left where you can spark up indoors), so why not a rabbit? But the fruity lag sounds less convincing when she refers to the high-tech vibrators as 'harmless dildos'. Does she have any idea what the beads on a Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Vibrator can do to a woman?

    Back into the breach, dear friends. I've wiped the steam off my glasses and had another dip into the world wide web to look at who's giving what out for free in the wild world of erotic fiction. And these are today's findings…

    - looks like it was designed by a hobbit freak - sorry, a fantasy fan - covered as it is with pictures of 'enchanted faeries' and the like. It has submission guidelines, unusually for sites of this type, so no frolics with Fido here, and is also at pains (despite the kitsch decoration) to point out that it '110% endorses the USA and its allies', with a 'special corner dedicated to veterans of the USA military and its allies'. A curious mixture, to be sure.

    - is a neatly designed site with near-exhaustive categories, plus an array of blog links that makes this the perfect place to dip a toe in the erotic story blogosphere.

    - is exactly what it says, a free and large archive of all kinds of stories, not just dirty ones. You'll need to register, but it's free and easy.

    As ever, please leave comments if there are any free story sites you'd like to recommend!

    Classified French Maid Dress

    OK, so it's not really a sex toy, but listen: the Classified French Maid Dress might save your sex life! Don't just take our word for it - spotted in the Metro last Thursday was a news item called Fantasies boost sex life. This probably isn't news for most of you - but a Spanish study's been bigging up sex fantasies as being less the preserve of the dirty mac brigade and more an essential part of healthy sex.

    Explore your lover's anus with nothing but your tongue…

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