The Starfish: How to Make It Feel Sensational

To get into the Starfish sex position, the penetrating partner will lie on their back with their arms and legs spread apart like a starfish. The receiving partner will face their lover and squat down onto the penis or dildo. Then, the receiver can slowly transfer their weight to their bum as they lean backwards and extend their legs out on either side of their partner’s torso.

Expert advice: You won’t have much leverage for thrusting – or doing anything quickly! – and one sudden move could put you at risk of penile fracture. “If either partner – particularly the one at risk of penis injuries – feels something that isn’t right, speak up and stop sex straight away”, says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationships expert.

Move slowly and keep checking in with each other. You could ask “Does this feel OK?” or make suggestions like “What if you slowly circle your hips?”. Since you can’t make eye contact, give each other a squeeze on the hand or the leg for added reassurance.

“This isn’t a position that either of you are going to be able to maintain for the entire session, but make it as pleasurable as possible with plenty of lube and clit stimulation,” Annabelle adds.

Lube can make penetration feel more sensual by reducing friction and protecting you both from chafe. It can also make things a lot more slippery, which is another reason to move slowly! If the penetrating partner slips out, laugh it off and try again.

Is it the same as “starfishing” in bed?

Nope. Some people use the term “starfishing” to describe a partner who doesn’t reciprocate in bed. It can even be a kink for submissive partners who want to feel “used” in the safe environment of a consensual relationship. So long as you’re both on board, there’s nothing wrong with starfishing in a kink context.

But when it happens unexpectedly, this usually isn’t a good sign. If your partner isn’t reciprocating sex, stop immediately and check if they want to continue. You could ask “Do you want me to keep going?” or “Is there something else you want to try?”

If your partner still doesn’t seem enthusiastic, don’t pressure them or get upset. They’re more likely to open up about what’s going on if you’re calm and reassuring – and this can help you have better sex in the long run!

How is The Starfish supposed to feel?

The Starfish is laidback, slow, and sensual. With both partners leaning away from each other, you can enjoy shallowing (shallow penetration), which can be great for those who find deep, thrusty sex uncomfortable.

Any quick movements will cause the penis or dildo to slip out (or bend uncomfortably), so this definitely isn’t an energetic sex position. That said, it’s really relaxed and sensual, which can be nice if you want to feel an intimate connection with your partner without getting all sweaty and exhausted.

Despite its shallowness, the Starfish is one of the best sex positions for G-spot or P-spot stimulation, since the penis or dildo will be pressing against the front wall of the vagina or anus. And you’ll have plenty of room to stimulate the clit or penis of the receiving partner at the same time. Orgasming like this can feel way more intense (we call it a “blended” orgasm, since you’re blending different types of pleasure together).

Later, we’ll talk about variations of the Starfish which might make it feel even better for you. Until then, let’s look at how the Starfish performs in a few different scenarios:

With a dildo

What if neither of you have a penis? The easiest way to enjoy the Starfish would be to use a double-ended dildo, which has lots of length and flexibility. Lube will help you both slide onto the dildo and lean back into position. Then, you can use your hands or sex toys to stimulate the clitoris while you both grind against the dildo.

If you’re using a strap-on, you’ll need a very flexible and long dildo to make this work. One or both partners can prop themselves up on their elbows or with some pillows to create a better angle for penetration.

As a bondage position

For a kinky twist, try cuffing one partner’s arms and legs with an under-mattress restraints set, so they’re spread out in the Starfish position. Before you play, have a conversation about trying out bondage and your boundaries so you both know what’s on the menu – whether that’s penetration, oral sex, or even light flogging!

And don’t forget the debrief: “It’s important to indulge in aftercare if you’ve had a particularly unusual or unique sexy experience,” says Annabelle Knight. “All it means is you and your partner have the opportunity to discuss what’s just happened, what was good, what wasn’t so good and where you want to go from there.”

As an anal sex position

The Starfish can become an anal sex position – but perhaps not for beginners. It’s quite challenging to get in position, and you’ll need a penis or dildo on the larger side, so only try this if you’re already experienced with anal play.

Apply lots of anal lube and give yourself time to get turned on so you’re relaxed enough for penetration. The angle will provide lots of intense P-spot stimulation if the bottom partner has a prostate. If the bottom partner has a vagina, they might also enjoy the ‘full’ feeling of anal penetration.

If The Starfish isn’t for you, try this

The Starfish offers lots of novelty, but it might not work for you, especially if the penetrating partner doesn’t have a long penis. Before you write it off entirely, try these tips:

Tease the clitoris. The receiver can rub their clitoris with their fingers or use a bullet vibrator against it. This might make the position feel more satisfying, since you can’t thrust very vigorously.

Use a pillow. Prop a pillow or sex wedge under the receiver’s hips to help elevate their body and reach their sweet spots more easily. This can be especially helpful if you have limited mobility or lower back pain.

Explore sensory play. Slowly trace your fingers or a feather tickler along your lover’s thighs, nipples or belly during foreplay to heighten their senses and leave them shivering in excitement, eagerly awaiting your next move. This might help you ease into penetration more easily. A few drops of massage oil or warm wax might feel amazing here!

Try a magic wand. Wand massagers with long handles can easily reach yours or your lover’s erogenous zones without the need to sit up. They can also be used on any external body part like the clitoris, scrotum, or nipples.

3 Starfish variations to try

There’s not just one type of Starfish in the rock pool, and we’re not talking about marine wildlife! If you’ve tried all the suggestions above and still don’t think the Starfish is right for your sex life – try these variations. Each one has a slightly different angle to offer.

The receiver can lean back and masturbate while maintaining eye contact, as the giver enjoys the show or strokes their lover’s legs, hips, and vulva with their fingers or a vibrator.

Once the penis or dildo is comfortably inside the receiver, they can slowly lean forwards between their lover’s outstretched legs.

The angle of this variation allows the giver to give their lover’s booty cheeks a nice squeeze, while the receiver kisses along their partner’s legs if they wish.

Here, the giver has more leverage to thrust energetically while the receiver gets to rest in their comfy Starfish position. You’ll also have more direct eye contact and deeper penetration than the classic Starfish.

For more position inspiration, check out our Position of the Week.