Becoming Oscar was a confusing journey. It was early 2000’s. I didn’t know about transgender people beyond the tabloid’s theories about celebrities being “secret” transwomen. As I got older and the internet grew, I understood transwomen existed, but I still didn’t know what a transgender man was. I felt like a boy, but I thought I was crazy, so I acted like the girl everyone wanted me to be throughout school. I came out as a lesbian at 15 and no weight came off my shoulders, it made it all so confusing.

As high school came to a close, I realised I was Oscar. I felt like I was finally me, ready to face the world but left to figure it out all on my own. When my peers got guided through life because cis heteronormative people were the blueprint; the rest of us just had to fend for ourselves. It felt like the world was created for them and not people like me.

I remember sitting in my sexual education class being out as a lesbian but knowing in my mind I was a boy. I felt left out of the entire conversation in more ways than one. I was ready to learn but left knowing only how to safely have heteronormative sex and how to conceive a child.

Safe sex is just one of the things I wish they had talked about. I remember my peers often asking me “how do you even have sex as a lesbian?” It was so clear that not only did the queer teens not know how to engage in safe sex at all, but most of my peers didn’t even know how to have sex that isn’t between a cis man and woman. Learning how to clean and safely use toys, using condoms (even on toys) or dental dams for oral sex - we never even learned about consent!

It would have never come up in sexual education back then, but if teenage me was able to learn about trans bodies in school, it would’ve saved me years of confusion. To learn how trans people can still conceive, what happens to our bodies once on HRT. Not even just for people like me, but for everyone to learn. Why are we only learning about cis bodies in a class about sex?

After bad experiences and realising my body was a fetish to others, I made it through the maze and was able to let go in sex with some people. Not everyone – there still have been times where I don’t always see a sexual partner’s true intent until the deed is done. By putting myself first every time and not getting into something I’m not 100% on has protected me from more situations going sour.

Navigating sex as a trans person shut me off from moments which could be amazing because I truly don’t know where it could go, my apprehension was and is rooted in fear of the unknown. It can still be difficult and probably always will be for people like me, but I do find beauty, pleasure and joy in sex and intimacy. From one-night stands to relationships, being trans can be hard.

When I found a partner who didn’t just want me to embrace my true self authentically, but also protected and guided me through my transition, I never let them go. Being in such a freeing space made me finally feel sexy as a man.

There were no rules. I didn’t feel I needed to act masculine in the bedroom and I got to explore things which used to make me feel dysphoric or uncomfortable. I knew they would always see me as the man I was, no matter what. It made me feel so empowered to do more and make change. I wanted to see people like me on magazines covers, mainstream media in Australia, on billboards, even more within my own queer community! I wanted to see us amplified and empowered.

It means the world to me to be able to have a platform, a voice to allow people to understand more about trans men and for other guys like me to feel seen and encouraged to love their body. My sexual journey had just begun when I started doing the work I do now. I started to love my body more than ever which was so liberating after the early years of being so uncomfortable and confused.

Of course, there are still times I can be left feeling like a fetish, but I have learnt very quickly what kind of people to avoid and what people I can work with who just want to help amplify me and make me feel comfortable and free. I create things I would want to watch. I wanted other trans men to feel sexy and seen, to change the narrative of how we are seen within the industry. Placing us in places we weren’t noticed before.

My sexual journey has been a wild ride and I regret not doing it all sooner, but I know there are still plenty of years ahead to unlock and achieve so much more, for me and my community.