Fetish FAQs With Jess: "My Wife Wants Me to Dominate Her, But it Seems Wrong..."

"How can I get my partner to consider exploring bondage?"

As with all new sexual exploration, the key is communication. Even though it might sound like the easiest option, believe me that no one wants to have an idea thrust upon them in 'the moment'.

Talk to your partner, and explain what it is you're interested in exploring, and make sure you give plenty of time for the idea to sink in, and for them to ask any questions they might have. Regardless of your own experience level, be prepared to start at the very beginning with simple, non-intimidating toys.

Most people are put off the idea of bondage because they've heard it involves pain, or they're worried they'll be completely helpless. This is why it's important to have a conversation about what sensory play is and safety words.

Fear and apprehension is usually bred from a lack of knowledge. Help your partner to understand the truth about bondage fun, whether that be by learning together, teaching them what you know, or shopping together online.

For first-time bondage, I'd recommend a blindfold, feather tickler or massage candle as a great starting point.

Chances are, if you're talking about BDSM you've already explored sensual massage, so taking this next step of wearing a blindfold during massage is an exciting and non-intimidating way to begin. Plus, as most people have worn an eye mask to bed at some point, a blindfold is a familiar, non-scary thing to try.

When it comes to feather ticklers, well let's just say I'd like to see someone try to inflict pain with one!

"My partner and I have experimented with restraints and a blindfold. How do we take the next step and begin impact play?"

If you've already mastered the art of light restraint and sensory deprivation, the next step is to see what you can do with your submissive playmate (sub) while they're tied up. When you begin your journey through impact play (aka spanking), I'd recommend keeping things simple, and spanking with just the palm of your hand to begin with.

Successful spanking is less about how you hit, and more about where you hit. When you spank your lover, it's important you aim for their 'sweet spots', such as across the buttocks, backs of thighs and, in particular, the 'thutt' (where the thigh meets the butt!).

Spanking in this area is not only safest, but also cushions the spank to make it more comfortable for both of you. When you catch that special 'thutt spot', vibrations from each impact carry through to the genitals too for extra thrills. Start with light finger taps, and move onto sharper full-palm spanks to test your boundaries.

When you want to introduce spanking tools to your play, I'd suggest starting with a beginner's flogger or a dual-sided paddle.

Paddles work as an extension of your arm, and enable the dominant partner (Dom) to spank for longer without getting a sore hand. A 2-sided design gives you versatility of strokes, taps and slaps to keep play fun and exciting.

Beginner's floggers are great for upping the tempo because they feel amazing to wield and receive. Being a 'proper whip', a flogger enhances feelings of authority in the Dom, while numerous fronds spread out sensations for the sub.

A toy that looks much scarier than it actually is, tickle your lover's skin with just the tips of each frond, and move onto gentle-to-hard whips when you're both ready.

"Bondage seems wrong to me. My wife says she wants me to dominate her, but I can't get over thinking of it as abuse. How can I get over my fears and please her, and me in the process?"

The thing to remember about sexual domination is that it's not all about pain and punishment. Dominating your partner in the bedroom can be anything from telling her what position you want her in, holding her hands above her head during romantic lovemaking or telling her when she's allowed to climax. It doesn't have to involve restraints and spanking if you don't want it to.

When done properly, dominating your partner is much more about working together, than it is about actual discipline. You may have heard (and read earlier in this blog) about the importance of having a safety word during power play. This is a crucial part of Dom/sub activity for more than just the obvious reasons; it actually puts the sub in control.

Think about it this way: even though you, as the Dom, might be taking charge of a given situation, in reality your sub only has to utter one word for everything to stop. Having a safe word isn't just for your sub's protection, but by it not being used, it tells the Dom that everything they're doing is consensual and being enjoyed.

To get over your fears, talk to your wife about what it is she likes about the idea of being dominated, and how she'd like you to do it. We all blow things out of proportion in our own minds, and what she wants from you probably isn't half as intimidating as you think!

I'd suggest starting things slowly with a remote control love egg. It's a great toy for getting you used to being in control (literally) without being as unfamiliar as a spanking paddle or set of restraints.

Remember also that 'abuse' is defined by the "improper treatment of an entity, usually for sole benefit, without consent". When your wife is asking you to dominate her, she's asking you to join her on what she thinks will be a shared, pleasurable experience and she's giving you her consent, which immediately negates any risk of it being classified as abuse.

(Some people would say that being repeatedly stabbed with a needle is abuse, but I consent to it all the time - just look at my pin-cushion face!)

So that's the first instalment of our BDSM FAQs blog. Tell us what you thought in the comments below and don't forget to send us your bondage questions for next month's blog.