What is BDSM?
Your Guide to Kinky Sex

Think of “BDSM”. Do images of dominance, whips, dungeons and contracts spring to mind? If you’ve seen Babygirl, what about childhood trauma or manipulation? While BDSM is still stigmatised, we promise it’s not scary.

So what is BDSM? It can range from hair-pulling through chastity to total power exchange and beyond. (Almost anything goes, as long as it’s consensual.)

Learn what BDSM stands for, the benefits of trying BDSM, expert advice on how to explore BDSM confidently, what to try next and what the heck “edge play” is.

Only got time for a quickie?

This article illustrates the myriad ways to try BDSM. But if you’re reading this sneakily or are short on time, here’s the important stuff to know:

• Power play is a major factor in BDSM – someone’s dominant, someone’s submissive, and someone might be a “switch”.
• Doms aren’t aggressive people poised to abuse or humiliate others. Subs haven’t necessarily suffered childhood abuse or sexual trauma. And research shows no difference in empathy ratings between Dominants, submissives or switches.
• BDSM can build intimacy and trust between partners. Try a new role and shake off your inhibitions.
• Talk to your partner before you bring BDSM into your relationship. If they consent, discuss boundaries, what you want to explore and feel, and agree on a safeword.
• You don’t need lots of bondage equipment, but quality bondage gear can help you experience new sensations safely.
• Whenever you want to try something new; research. Take a class, read a book or watch a video. Have fun learning together.
• Aftercare’s essential because it helps rebalance your relationship. It can consist of a cup of tea, a bath, or a romantic date. Just make sure you talk about the BDSM you both tried.

BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to sex involving dominance, submission, physical restraint and pain for pleasure. BDSM play doesn’t have to include restricting someone or causing pain, but one person is typically more dominant than the other(s).

Let’s start by busting some common misconceptions:

• You don’t need a written contract like Anastasia and Christian, but you do need to have open and honest discussions and agree on what you want (and don’t want) to happen.
• BDSM isn’t exclusively kinky sex. Some people get a kick from being dominant or submissive outside of the bedroom. These BDSM relationships have a consensual, defined power dynamic.
• You don’t need fancy equipment or a dungeon. Hands can restrain someone as effectively as handcuffs or rope.
• BDSM doesn’t have to be all gimp masks, latex outfits, and ceiling suspension (unless you want it to). Even exploring BDSM lightly can be a fun, safe way to explore fantasies and kinks.
• People who are into BDSM aren’t mentally unwell, “damaged” or traumatised. Folks into BDSM come from all walks of life, and research consistently shows that BDSM can boost practitioners’ mental health.

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an amalgamation of initialisms with some letters doubling up for multiple practices. It stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. They’re all unique sexual preferences, but they do complement each other and are often used in combination.

Bondage: Using specific equipment to restrain someone physically or to be physically restrained. For some, handcuffs and blindfolds will be enough; others might want bondage tape or rope, gags or even sex furniture.

Discipline: The submissive partner might break the rules and need to be taught a lesson (was it intentional…?). A spank on the bottom or wearing a chastity device might rectify their behaviour – or maybe erotic humiliation would be more effective?

Dominance: One partner could take on a more assertive role, taking control of their partner’s sexual experience – in the bedroom or beyond. This is consensual and very different from an abusive relationship. The person exercising control in a dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship is called a Dom/Domme.

Submission: One partner may consensually relinquish control to their Dom. This could be physical (with restraints or a collar and a leash, for example) or behavioural (by following instructions). Submissive peeps are called “subs”.

Sadism: Feeling sexual satisfaction from consensually inflicting pain on others, either through physical punishment or humiliation. Try using whips, floggers, nipple clamps or pinwheels on your partner.

Masochism: The opposite of sadism; feeling turned on by experiencing pain. When endorphins are released during impact play or humiliation, masochists feel a sense of well-being or a “natural high”. You could use nipple clamps and weights (like this weighted nipple press) alone or with a partner.

You might hear the term “sadomasochism”. This describes relationships involving sadism and masochism.

Trying new things in the bedroom allows you to understand more about yourself, your partner and your desires.

Because BDSM typically involves power play (keep reading to learn how this manifests), it allows a person to explore a role different from who they are in their daily life. This can be wonderfully freeing. Stuck in a boardroom all day making decisions? Maybe letting your partner take control in the bedroom appeals. Feel like your voice isn’t always heard and want to assume command? Consider channelling that Dom vibe when the lights go down.

BDSM also “enhances [people’s] sex lives because they are released from their normal inhibitions,” say Suzi Godson and Mel Agace in The Sex Book. “For [the partner in a submissive role] a sensation of powerlessness and a controlled amount of pain, coupled with restraints, can bring about a near-meditative state.”

There’s even an association between men engaging in BDSM and maintaining stronger erections and ejaculating less early. But it’s unclear whether one causes the other so don’t try BDSM solely for a more impressive stiffy.

Similarly, women into BDSM have “better sexual function”. Again, science hasn’t shown causation, but people who talk openly and frequently about their desire and pleasure find their sex lives more satisfying.

BDSM works any way you’d like it to. Below, we’ve laid out some common and thrilling ways to explore BDSM like power exchange, bondage, sensation and impact play, and edge play.

Power exchange

In any BDSM scene or relationship, there’s usually a power exchange going on. Someone adopts the role of Dom (the person leading the play), another partner is the sub (the person performing as the Dom asks), and sometimes there’s a “switch” – a person who enjoys playing both roles, depending on their mood, partner or the scene. People of all gender expressions can play any of these parts.

Power exchange is a way to build trust and intimacy between a couple; submitting to a partner’s will or having a partner entrust you with their safety and pleasure can be immensely bonding. According to sex authors Suzi and Mel, “Sub/Dom games are generally more about the psychological thrill of power than manual physical stimulation.”

A disobedient sub risks being disciplined in any way the Dom sees fit. (How tempting…!)

There are many ways you can experiment with power exchange in the bedroom. Reckon dressing up will help you get into character? Try role-play. A sub could wear a stereotypically subservient costume (like a maid or a butler). A Dom could dress as a police officer (though probably not alongside the maid or the butler – unless you want to get creative with your storyline!)

Fetish clothing is another fun way to express your temporary persona, just in a kinkier way than costumes. Pick from PVC, wet look, faux leather, latex, and strategically stitched zips to hide or expose body parts.

If the idea of restraint and sensory deprivation gets you going, invest in specially designed bondage equipment (more on that next). Using restraints or tools, the Dominant can heighten or diminish a sub’s sensations and dole out punishment when required. This expression of power exchange can be very sexually fulfilling and emotionally rewarding for both the Dom and sub.

One of the joys of trying power exchange is you don’t need any special gear to give it a go. Dominance can be exerted subtly through dirty talk and teasing or orgasm edging (we’ll explain this further down). You don’t need whips and chains unless that excites you.

BDSM-insider tip: While the Dom controls the scene, the sub actually has all the power. At any point when you’re playing a submissive role, you can stop play by using your safeword or action, or by saying “Red” as part of your traffic light system.

Some BDSM practitioners extend a certain power dynamic beyond the bedroom to become part of their everyday lifestyle. Subs may do all the household chores, or wear a chastity belt and allow their Dom to be the keyholder. A Dom may require their sub to serve them around the house – offering them a drink, cooking meals and providing TLC.

Bondage

Bondage is a popular BDSM activity because of the feeling of helplessness and mastery it elicits. For people in a dominant role, knowing they can restrict, tease, torment and pleasure their sub (within the confines of pre-agreed rules) is almost as arousing as the bondage activities themselves. For submissives, simply the feeling of being tied, constricted and writhing against restraints in a sexual scenario, is incredibly arousing.

Simple ways to explore bondage for beginners include trying bondage sex positions. “Tie a partner up before giving them oral sex,” suggest Suzi and Mel. Or buy some simple bondage gear, such as:

• Blindfold – so your sub can’t see what’s about to happen
• Ball gag – to prevent your sub from speaking
• Wrist and ankle restraints – to stop your sub from touching themselves or you

Suzi and Mel recommend only using gags “for short periods, because there is always the possibility of choking.” As with all bondage play, touch base with your partner during the fun to see if they’re okay.

With bondage, there’s so much you can explore, if it turns you on. Japanese rope bondage (aka “Shibari”) can be a beautiful form of elaborate restriction. Take a beginner's class, watch tutorials and learn some simple knots for safe tying, like a single column tie.

Don’t be tempted to grab household items for bondage play. Bondage rope is specially designed to be soft against skin and reduce chafing, and ripping off parcel tape will hurt! Make your BDSM play even better by choosing quality bondage equipment that’s the result of extensive user research (like ours!).

Sensation and impact play

Sensation play is when you explore different sensations for pleasure. And what a plethora of sexy sensations there are to experience! Hot (body-safe) wax dripping onto skin, silky ties brushing eyelids, inner thighs tickled with a feather tickler, forearms prickled with a pinwheel, lubes making sensitive areas tingle, and cold, glass dildos sliding wherever you want.

Impact play is when you use hands or a spanking accessory to hit, slap or spank the body – often repeatedly. Tools like whips, spanking paddles, or floggers landing on the body increase blood flow to that area, heightening sensitivity. Just avoid anywhere organs may reside (like the lower back, specifically the kidneys) and aim for fleshy, squidgy bits. Learn how to spank for pleasure, and your BDSM play will be more fun for both of you.

BDSM-insider tip: Ease off the spanking after orgasm because the nerve-endings become incredibly sensitive. Your spanking experience will go from “Ooo, yes!” to “Please stop!”

To try sensation and impact play, you don’t need any equipment. Hair pulling, soft spanking and temperature play are all forms of light BDSM, and many couples who enjoy these activities won’t necessarily consider themselves “into BDSM”.

If you do want to use some BDSM tools and toys, incorporate impact play as a part of discipline. During a roleplay scene, give your naughty nurse a few disciplinary spanks with a paddle each time they accidentally drop the “medical equipment”. Ramp it up a notch by using a cane on their derrière.

Edge play

An extreme form of BDSM is “edge play” – sadomasochistic activities that risk emotional or physical harm. These activities push the “edge” of SSC.

The details of edge play are subjective, as what is considered risky for one person might not be considered risky for another. Saying that, some forms of kinky play are always risky: breath play, blood play, fire play, gun play and rough body play. Edge play should only be attempted if you’re aware of the risks and still agree, and if you know what to do if something goes wrong.

If this is all too extreme and you thought edge play had something to do with orgasms, you’d still be right. In BDSM, a Dom might control their sub’s orgasms by “edging” them – bringing their sub to the brink of orgasm, denying climax and bringing them back to the edge repeatedly.

Care for yourself and your partner is paramount when exploring BDSM. Two frameworks make this simple (while stressing the importance of informed consent): SSC and RACK. In the next section, you’ll learn what this means.

Language

There’s no shortage of terms in the BDSM world and it can all get rather confusing. Here’s some lingo to know before diving in:

Bottom: The person being directed in a BDSM scene; usually the submissive.

Drop/subdrop: This can happen to submissives after BDSM play. It might present as flu-like symptoms, depression, anger, clinginess etc. and can last about a week. Adequate aftercare after a BDSM scene can help to avoid this. Doms can also experience a drop, though it’s more common in submissives.

Impact play: Using a hand or object (like a cane or a flogger) to strike the body.

Limit: Hard limits are activities you don’t want to do, ever. Soft limits are things you might like to do under the right conditions. Limits are also known as “boundaries” and should be discussed before you start exploring BDSM. They can also change with different partners and over time.

RACK: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. “All sexual activities carry some risk – physical, psychological, relational – especially BDSM. Being informed, understanding the risks and agreeing to proceed with care will help reduce the likelihood of harm,” says Ruth Heneke Eliot, a sex education expert and facilitator of Better Sex Workshops.

Scene: The time you’re indulging in BDSM, e.g. “I was deep in a scene yesterday, when...”. Also, more generally, the BDSM community (“The BDSM Scene”).

SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. When exploring BDSM, those involved should “feel safe that changing or ending what's happening won't be shamed,” advises Ruth. “Everyone should also be sufficiently clear-minded to understand the potential risks” and “feel comfortable communicating honestly.”

Subspace: A natural high some submissives experience when being dominated, or during a BDSM scene.

Switch: A “switch” is someone who enjoys being dominant and submissive during BDSM play. Their preference can change depending on their partner, mood or the scene. Or they may change roles part-way through play.

Top: The person adopting the more assertive role, controlling the BDSM scene.

Vanilla sex: Sex/sexual behaviours that don’t involve kink.

Consent

Consent is essential when it comes to BDSM. Assuming different roles (some more assertive than others), restraining a partner and causing pain go way beyond vanilla sex. Only try BDSM if you and your partner(s) want to. If your partner isn’t keen, don’t push it.

Sex and pleasure expert Jess Wilde says, “Consent requires clear communication, which includes discussing exactly which sexy activities you intend to explore, and how you’d like to explore them.”

Every aspect of BDSM play must be agreed upon beforehand, even if you think your partner will be game. Don’t worry: this absolutely can leave room for spontaneity! Just within the confines of agreed-upon activities.

When you’re having kinky fun, show your partner you’re having a great time. After all, consent doesn’t always have to be about asserting when something’s wrong. If moaning’s your thing, moan. Show and tell your lover how much pleasure you’re feeling or how much you’re into a particular activity. An emphatic “Yes!”, “I’d love to!”, “That would turn me on so much” can go a long way. If you’re unsure about whether your partner’s enjoying themselves, ask.

Remember that consent is a continuous conversation and can be revoked at any time – even if one of you agreed to an activity beforehand. If you hear “No”, “Stop” or your safeword (more on that shortly) then stop and check in. Don’t make your partner feel bad for wanting to pause or end whatever’s going on – it can take a lot of courage to stop kinky play.

BDSM-insider tip: Sometimes, BDSM sex involves saying “No” or “Stop!” when you actually want more. For example, during a spanking or role-play scenario. But! (And it’s a big but, we cannot lie.) This should be agreed upon ahead of time. If you’re in any doubt over whether your partner actually wants to continue (you guessed it): ask.

Safety

BDSM sex is so much more fun when you know how to look out for each other. When you agree on the things you want to try together, read up on how to do them safely. You should also update your knowledge whenever you want to try a tool or scenario for the first time.

For example, some bondage equipment shouldn’t be worn for ages and particular positions intended to cause discomfort should be assumed with caution. Doms need to know signs of distress to look out for in a sub in case something needs to be removed, or a position needs to be changed, quickly.

The BDSM community is notoriously helpful and there are plenty of reliable, educational resources about BDSM – websites, forums, podcasts, books etc. Saying that, there’s also lots of dodgy advice out there too, so be conscious of what you read and digest!

Safewords and stop actions

Safewords and stop actions are ways to halt the action if it’s feeling too much. Agree upon them before you embark on your BDSM voyage.

“Your safeword should be something memorable, easy to say, and not easily confused with something else you might say during intimacy,” suggests Jess.

Try a traffic light system as a simple way to indicate what feels good and what you’re not enjoying. “Green” means “continue/this feels good”, “Amber” means “slow down/I’m not sure”, and “Red” means “stop immediately”.

A stop action is helpful if someone’s mouth is bound or… busy. Try “squeezing a squeaky toy, dropping a tennis ball or using hand signals,” says Jess.

Aftercare

Whether you’re exploring a Dom or sub role, BDSM play can be pretty intense. “Aftercare” re-balances the relationship and reinforces trust. It’s also a good opportunity to process the experience before trying BDSM again, if you want to.

For some people, a cuddle, chat and a cup of tea will be enough. For others, a walk outside together, lots of reassurance of your care for one another, or a romantic dinner will suit better. Aftercare can be whatever you want it to be and may change each time you indulge in BDSM play. What’s important is that you speak about what happened.

You could ask, “What did you really like about that?”, “Next time, what would you like to do again?”, “What didn’t feel so good for you? How could it be improved?” You may also want to discuss your boundaries – were they about right or would you like to play softer next time, or push yourself further?

Talking honestly and listening to what your partner has to say will help your BDSM play evolve and get better each time.