How to Be a Better Lover

Don’t fall into the trap that you need to be doing anything harder, faster or longer to be a better lover. While those things might come into the foray later, there are other things you can do to make sure you’re becoming a better lover. Here’s our guide on how to be good in bed.

Everybody and every body likes to give and receive pleasure differently. Whether you’re a man, a woman or a non-binary person, with a penis, or a vulva, there’s a rich tapestry to uncover when it comes to pleasing both yourself and your partner.

It’s not all about rose petals and penetration, though admittedly they have a firm place on the pleasure scale. Neither is it always about discovering or meeting complicated kinks, new sex toys, or immersing yourself in pornography to learn new tips and tricks (seriously never do that).

If you want to find out how to be better in bed, well it’s way more simple than it sounds. First off, you need to flex your communication muscle as well as your listening skills. It’s no good trying something out if you or your partner are uncomfortable doing it or just not that into it.

Presence is golden, which means no checking or answering your phone, no looking at the time, no rushing. Create space and peace for the moment to happen organically. Or if you find yourself pushed for time in a busy life, create a schedule where these intimate moments can take place. Your undivided attention is worth its weight in gold.

Attentiveness and enthusiastic consent. Learning to check in at the right moments.

What do men like in bed?

There are a number of ways we can aim to make penis-owners shiver with delight. And it’s more about knowing what they like rather than getting stuck in too fast. It’s important to remember that not all men are the same and the that way that they experience pleasure is different depending on what turns them on. So to find out how to please a man in bed, you must first ask what he or they are into.

Don’t forget that better sex with men also means showing sexual confidence, and that can only come from you knowing what you like too. Men like to know that they can give pleasure as well as receive it.

Good sex has build-up, passion, knowledge, and emotional connection. So take your time turning him on. And when he’s ready, you can try a few of these top tricks…

Explore the P-spot

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Have you heard of the prostate? It’s a gland that sits inside the rectum about an inch or two up. This gland is about the size of a walnut and helps with sperm production. It’s also incredibly sensitive. When touched in the right way, it can take the male orgasm into another world.

This kind of pleasure ricochets throughout the entire body. This is because of a series of nerve endings that, when stimulated, manually or with a prostate toy, can create a prostate-induced orgasm multiple times, separately from a penile orgasm.

Go down on him

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Oral sex like blow jobs, or using your hands, is a surefire way to arouse your partner in all the right ways. Hand jobs and blow jobs feel good for penis owners due to a large number of nerve endings and sensitive tissue surrounding the tip of the penis and the shaft.

Start by making sure you’re using a great lube, or your own saliva, to create a wet sensation. Then glide your hand up and down the shaft in a consistent motion while asking your partner if they’re into it. Take the time to caress, rub, kiss and lick the area. Let your partner instruct you on the speed they like and the pressure. If you feel like they’re being silent or you’re unsure, check in with them and make sure they’re having a good time.

Add toys

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Toys are called toys for a reason: they’re FUN. And adding them to your sex life is a wonderful way to increase pleasure and keep things spicy - whether you’re starting out or into more ‘intermediate’ stuff.

If you’re a little unsure of how to bring them into the bedroom, start small with a cock ring. It’s something you can both enjoy and it’s an easy and less confronting toy than a sleeve or strutting your stuff in a pegging harness.

That being said, exploring internal and external toys can be a great way to open up conversations on pleasure, desires and fantasies.

What do women like in bed?

People with vulvas experience pleasure differently from penis-owners. Their nerve endings congregate at the tip of the clitoris, but they also extend down the labia minor and major. So a little bit of everything may be exactly what she or they are looking for.

Don’t forget, though - that everyone has their own likes and dislikes. So while planning a set menu might feel like the right thing to do, communicating, listening and being present is the best way to explore a body with someone else.

However, here are a few things you can do to please, while you’re working it out together.

Try oral

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Oral sex on a vulva can be a gentle way to explore pressure, speed, vibration and sucking. Doing these things to different areas of the vulva can lead to a range of pleasure too. From the intense and all-encompassing clitoral stimulation to the titillating zones near the perineum and intimacy of the vaginal opening.

Oral sex can feel very intimate, so it’s important to make sure that the person you’re performing oral sex on feels comfortable and in control.

Stimulate the clit

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Clitoris has many nerve endings and clitoral stimulation can be the key to a good sexual experience. Especially as less than 20% of vulva-havers are able to climax from penetrative sex alone. The key to stimulating it correctly is by using consistent motions and pressures. If you’re unsure where it is or feel like you’re not quite hitting it the right way, ask your partner to show you how they like it.

Mutual masturbation can be a great way to find out how your partner likes to be touched, and it’s seriously hot

Don’t forget foreplay

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Foreplay, like dirty talk, kissing, over the clothes touching and grinding can help the body prepare for sex by becoming engorged and lubricated.

But, if you’re feeling the urgency, know that lube is always on hand to make things feel a little bit more comfortable.

How to be a better lover

Follow these simple rules and you’ll be second to none in the bedroom department.

Communicate

Communication is key to a healthy sex life and being open about what you want. But being a good communicator is less about talking and more about listening. Remember, listening to respond is not the same as listening to understand.

Explore the whole body

Sex doesn’t have just to be penetration and there are many erogenous zones around the body that can help to build intimacy, libido and connection.

Areas like the neck, feet, hips, back and thighs all can feel immensely pleasurable when touched, massaged or kissed. Don’t leave them out!

Try new things

Changing your routine can improve your sex life and enhance everyone’s experience. From dressing up to exploring BDSM, bondage, pain play and even tickling. But safety first. Don’t jump in at the deep end and never impose something on someone else. Anyway, it’s way more fun to explore together than it is to convince someone to do something.

Never force anyone into anything, though. That is the golden rule.

Don’t expect too much

Having expectations that are too high will just lead to disappointment, so go in with an open mind. Focus on being in the moment and not on reaching climax - this way you can be sure to enjoy yourself and take some of the pressure off.

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