How to Be Better at Sex

Sometimes it feels like the best sex just happens. You lock eyes with someone across a sweaty dancefloor and ask if you can buy them a drink. Your shoulders touch as you lean against the bar together – and sparks fly.

Or maybe you finally talk to that well-dressed stranger at the school gates and their lingering gaze says it all: tonight’s PTA meeting is the last thing on their mind... But real life rarely plays out like a rom-com.

The good news? You don’t need fate to have great sex – just some expert advice from a sex therapist. Miranda Christophers is a leading psychosexual and relationship therapist and founder of The Therapy Yard, a therapy service focused on sex and relationships. If anyone can teach us how to be better at sex, it’s Miranda!

Only got time for a quickie?

If you’re short on time, bookmark the article to read in depth later. Here’s what you need to know in a nutshell:

• Make time for masturbation. Use your hands and toys to touch yourself and discover what feels good to you – it's the first step to communicating what you want with a partner.

• School yourself on anatomy. Check out simple diagrams online to find your way around a penis or vulva – or (even better) ask your lover to show you exactly how and where to touch them.

• Let’s talk about sex. Set time aside to chat to your partner and learn what turns them on and off; zero shame, just openness and curiosity.

• Give enthusiastic oral. Pick up a few key techniques from the article below – let your partner's reactions guide you and don’t be afraid to show (and tell!) them how into it you are.

• Just add lube. Lube adds instant wetness all kinds of sex play, reducing chafe and making the whole experience more sensual.

• Try new toys and sex positions. Do explore new sensations and angles together to see what you enjoy, but don't feel pressure to constantly switch things up for the sake of it.

• Stay present. Try to focus on how things feel (for you and your partner) rather than worrying about how you look or how you’re performing.

You might feel awkward figuring out what a new partner will enjoy in bed – or even knowing what you’d like to try, given the chance to experiment. Miranda Christopher’s practical advice will help you have better sex, whether you’re playing alone, with someone new, or with a long-term lover.

Learn how you like to be touched and what turns you on

“Solo sex is all about learning what feels good to you,” says Miranda Christopers, a leading psychosexual and relationship therapist. Once you know what feels good, you’re already well on your way to having better sex.

If you’re new to jerking off, or it’s not something you’re doing regularly, then we’ve got plenty of tips on how to masturbate. And if you feel nervous to try it, don’t worry: you’re not alone. “A lot of people carry shame around sex, often from childhood or cultural messages.” says Miranda, “We have to unpick that to feel free.”

Taking the time to relax can make a huge difference. Start by creating a space where you feel safe and comfortable – whether that’s lighting a candle, putting on music, locking the door or just turning your phone off. Then, slow things down.

Use touch that feels gentle and exploratory rather than goal-focused. “The aim isn’t to ‘achieve’ orgasm,” Miranda says, “but to get curious about what kind of touch, rhythm, pressure or fantasy feels good to you.”

Find out how your partner(s) like to be touched

Once you know your way around someone’s body, everything starts to feel more natural. Offer to give them a sensual massage and take time to explore the sensitive areas of the person you’re with – whether that’s the clitoris, penis, nipples, or other erogenous zones – and notice what kind of touch gets the best response.

Try starting slowly with gentle pressure and smoothly ramp things up as their body gets more aroused. Everyone’s different, so stay curious and pay attention to your partner’s sighs and moans – they’re clues you’re on the right track. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you’re not sure what your partner likes.

If you’re feeling nervous about taking the lead, ask your partner to touch themselves while you do the same. Mutual masturbation is a great way to learn what turns your partner on in real time (and yep, it’s also seriously hot). Lie opposite each other in bed – propped up on pillows for a better view – and enjoy the show together.

Don’t be afraid to talk about desire

So, now you know what physically feels good to your lover – but what about their turn-ons and fantasies? If you’re worried about putting them on the spot or making things awkward, Miranda has tips: “Try sharing a bit about yourself first,” she says. “That opens the door for them, and helps to build trust between you. Creating a safe space to talk about sex without shame is key to great sex.” And you don’t have to act on every fantasy you share – sometimes the turn-on is in the telling!

This is a good time to share any worries you might have, too. Maybe you and your lover don’t have the same sex drive, or perhaps one of you has self-esteem concerns that holds you back from really getting immersed in sex. Getting these thoughts and questions off your chest can help you to figure things out together and go into your next session feeling closer to your lover.

Give oral – enthusiastically

Oral sex isn’t just a warm-up act – it can be the main event. And for people with vulvas, the clitoris is the star of the show. Despite its small size, it’s packed with nerve endings, so there’s a whole lot of pleasure to be had. Start slowly by kissing, licking or sucking gently; this will help boost blood flow to the area, which will increase sensitivity.

Try moving your tongue over their clitoris and labia as if you’re spelling out the alphabet (yes, really), or switch between flat-tongue pressure and more flicking movements to keep ‘em guessing. Get your hands involved too – to massage the inner thighs or the outer labia, or by carefully inserting a couple of fingers into the vagina as you lick.

If you’re going down on someone with a penis, you can give the feeling of deepthroating by using your hands to follow your mouth up and down the shaft. Keep things wet and sloppy, and remember not to leave out the balls; gently caressing them while you tease the shaft can take your lover’s pleasure up a notch (if they like ball play, of course).

Whether you’re playing with a penis or a clit, variety can feel incredible – but once someone’s getting close to coming, stick to a steady rhythm to help tip them over the edge. To study up more on how to go down like a pro, check out our oral sex tips.

But mostly: go in with genuine enthusiasm. Oral sex isn't a chore – it’s a chance to give (and often get) loads of pleasure. The more into it you are, the hotter it is for both of you.

Use lube – it's a game-changer

“Better sex is really about what’s pleasurable, and heightening experiences of enjoyment,” says Miranda. And lube can make a huge difference. It reduces friction, makes touch feel more intense and helps prevent dryness or discomfort in both solo and partnered play. It also means you don’t have to worry about vaginal dryness; you’re ready to go whenever the mood strikes.

Water-based lubes are safe to use with condoms and toys, while silicone lubes last longer and are great for shower sex (just avoid using them with silicone toys, as it’ll damage them). Flavoured lubes can make oral extra fun (there’s a whole menu of flavours out there!), and specialist anal lubes offer extra cushioning where it's needed most. However you want to play, lubrication makes things feel more sensual – and can even help prevent chafe or tearing from all that sexy friction.

Strengthen your mind-body connection

“One of the biggest barriers to better sex is being in your head,” says Miranda. “But the more present you are in your body, the more pleasurable sex becomes.” Nerves about premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or how you look can easily throw you off your game. But what if you focused on how sex feels instead?

“People often get caught up in performance. But it’s not about performing; it’s about feeling,” says Miranda. The more you prioritise what feels good, rather than looking or behaving in a certain way, the easier it is to be immersed in the moment.

Try focusing on physical sensations – touch, breath, movement – to stay present. And if you find yourself getting in your head or losing your erection, changing position or trying a toy can help keep the sexy mood alive. Who knew mindfulness could be the key to a healthy sex life?!

Try out sex toys together

“Shopping for toys together can be really fun,” says Miranda. “it’s about shared curiosity, and [it’s] a great way to build trust and discover what turns you both on.” If you’re not sure where to start, magic wands are one of the most versatile sex toys for couples, since you can use them to tease any erogenous zone during foreplay or to pleasure the clitoris during sex.

For something more hands-free, try a wearable vibrator like the We-Vibe Sync Go. The genius little toy can be worn during penis-in-vagina sex, stimulating the G-spot and clitoris with deep, rumbly vibrations. And if vibrations aren’t your thing, try sensation-led play. “Run your hands over each other’s bodies with oils, feathers, or blindfolds – see what feels good,” suggest Miranda.

Explore new sex positions

“Mystery, novelty and anticipation are huge turn-ons for lots of people,” says Miranda. “Different sex positions can be ways to discover new sensations and visuals – there’s a lot to explore”.

Keep things relaxed and check in with each other. Whispering ‘Do you like that?’ or ‘Want me to keep going like this?’ helps make sure you’re on the same page and having a sexual experience you’re both into.

“Even casual sex should feel emotionally safe,” Miranda adds. “Feeling nervous and not knowing what’s going to happen next can really disrupt pleasure.” Build trust, go slow, and enjoy the moment. Remember to cuddle up together afterwards to relax, debrief, and wind down.

Keep the fun going…

Good sex isn’t just about what happens between the sheets. “Keep sexual energy alive through touch, messages, flirtation – those small moments build connection,” says Miranda. She calls this “sexual currency”; giving your lover a lingering kiss, a cheeky text or a playful glance can help maintain intimacy and anticipation between you, hinting at a ‘next time’.

“It’s not always about the sex itself – it’s about the bond, the spark, the energy between you,” she explains. Drop your lover a message sharing a sexual fantasy you’d like to explore with them, or telling them in detail exactly how foreplay’s going to play out next time you get down to it.

Finding small, regular ways to nurture that spark keeps that sexual desire burning and helps you feel close, connected – and, you know, kinda turned on.