What Does kinky Mean?

What exactly is the meaning of kink? And what does it mean to be ‘kinky’?

Well, the dictionary definition of kinky is: ‘Involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour.’ Other sources define kinkiness as the use of non-conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. Therefore, someone who is kinky, enjoys sex or sexual intimacy which is not considered the ‘norm’. Many consider being kinky to be a real turn-on and a good way to enhance their sex life.

Kinky Definitions

Being ‘kinky’ is generally accepted as periodically enjoying sexual practices considered to be either ‘deviant’ or outside the norm. Importantly, a kink is very different to a fetish, so these two terms shouldn’t be used interchangeably. A kink is a sexual practice that a party might be into that can be enjoyed every now and again but doesn’t have an impact on their ability to feel sexually satisfied.

Popular fetishes include foot fetishes and pregnancy fetishes, but where a fetish differs from a kink is the impact it has on sexual fulfilment. Where kinks aren’t always necessary for the enjoyment of sexual practices, a fetish is something that usually has to be present or enacted for parties to feel satisfied.

Now let’s move on to a few important definitions that you might come across in kink circles. Terminology is important as it allows for communication and, importantly, safety. It can also be useful in labelling or relating sexual preferences to a person’s identity.

Scene/scene play: As any film or play would have a “scene” where something dramatic might happen, so does kink. A “scene” is planned time with a partner where kinks are enacted and played out, and “scene play” is the general term for this practice of creating “scenes.”

Dominant: Used to label a person that enjoys dominating their partner or partners through kink and kinky activities, a “dominant” or a “dom” does what it says on the tin. In many ways, it’s as indicative of identity as it is a label. Domination can be achieved through physical or mental acts, from using restraints to name-calling or humiliation.

Submissive: A “submissive” is someone that enjoys being dominated by their partner or partners.

Switch: A “switch” is someone that can be either the dominant or submissive party. They enjoy being both and do not have a preference, hence they “switch” roles.

Sadism and Masochism: Sadism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering or humiliation on others”. Along with the term masochism, sadism was coined by German psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing in his groundbreaking 1886 book Psychopathia Sexualis. The two are differentiated by the relationship between pain and pleasure. With sadism, one party derives pleasure from inflicting pain on another person, while masochism relates to “obtaining sexual pleasure from receiving pain and cruelty inflicted by another person”.

RACK (Risk aware consensual kink)/SSC (safe, sane and consensual): RACK stands for risk aware consensual kink and is more commonly used than SSC, meaning safe, sane and consensual. These acronyms refer to guidelines that keep kink and kinky sex safe and consensual.

Aftercare: Aftercare is arguably the most important part of kink. It involves checking in with your partner or partners after engaging in kink to ensure that all parties are okay mentally and physically. It can also encompass tidying up a space, cleaning up any sex toys or tending to marks left if engaging in physical, impact play-based kink acts.

Chastity play: Chastity play involves agreeing to refrain from or delay solo play to enhance sexual pleasure when with a partner. Commonly, this involves wearing chastity devices with locks to signify a commitment to a partner, who often keeps the key. Chastity belts are rooted in the Middle Ages, originally designed to prevent sexual intercourse and preserve chastity, saving virginity for marriage dominantly amongst young women. Nowadays, chastity devices are designed for all bodies and are rooted in power play.

What is a kink?

“A kink is something sexual that someone likes to do with themselves or consensually with partners,” says Rosara Torrisi, PhD from the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy. “This is usually something considered outside of mainstream sexual activities.” Importantly, kink has no official medical or technical definition. Though interpreted as being either outside of the norm or mainstream, kink is surprisingly common. The 2015 Sexual Exploration in America study found that more than 22% of sexually active adults regularly engage in role-playing, with more than 20% of participants having engaged either in being tied up or spanking. Close to 50% of those surveyed were interested in exploring kink in their relationships, so it’s much more common than first meets the eye. Kink has been linked to an array of health benefits, with those practising it presenting as being less neurotic, more extroverted, more open-minded, more conscientious and less rejection sensitive.

No matter what type of kink it is, consent and communication are key, and before indulging or acting out a kink, all parties involved must give it a full thumbs up. As you explore your sexual kinks, whether it’s just reading up about certain kinks, talking to your partner about them, or fulfilling them, it’s important to understand that there needs to be a running dialogue about what you’re into and what you’re not into. Setting clear boundaries and limits is also key, so it can be wise to agree on a ‘safe word’ beforehand if things start to feel uncomfortable.

If you’re wondering what the difference is between a kink and a fetish, a fetish is defined as a sexual act or object which holds power over the fetisher’s ability to reach a resolution. Essentially, this means that a fetish is something that somebody is extremely sexually passionate, and without it as part of their sex life they are unlikely to feel satisfied. A kink, meanwhile, can be something that’s enjoyed from time to time.

So, now you know the definition of kink, it’s time to find out about what the most common kinks are…

Most common kinks

Exhibitionism

Exhibitionism involves being turned on by the thought of or the reality of either being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others. This can look like anything from being turned on by being watched by your partner during solo play to fantasising about having sex in public. The key is being seen in the nude by others, whether in real life or in your imagination.

Breath play

Breath play is - you guessed it - having your breathing restricted during any sexual activity. Choking is one of the most common kinks, but as with any sexual activity, it’s critical to obtain consent beforehand. As Rachel Thompson explores in her 2021 book Rough, non-consensual choking is an act of sexual violence and it’s on the rise.

With choking, it’s important to outline boundaries and engage with aftercare to ensure that all parties are both comfortable and safe. As with any kink, if you’re interested in breath play you need to discuss that with your partner or partners first and agree on your boundaries.

Most importantly, breath play can be very dangerous. A safer alternative involves holding your own breath during sex and releasing it when you feel ready. That way, you have total control over your own breathing whilst retaining the benefit of being turned on. It’s still sexy.

Cuckolding

Cuckolding is a kink in which a partner gets turned on by the thought of their partner having sex with someone else. Historically, cuckolding references a man who was cheated on by his wife, without his consent or awareness of the act.

The modern-day understanding of cuckolding, however, involves a partner of any gender or sexuality, who is aware and very much in approval of their partner’s sexual dalliances with someone outside of their relationship. Sometimes, it can also involve levels of sexual humiliation too, for example, a man might request his partner tells him how big their lover’s penis is. If trying this kink, it’s important to remember to agree on boundaries and limits beforehand and make sure you’re both fully comfortable as it does require trust.

Fisting

Fisting is a kink that involves using all of the fingers on one hand to penetrate and pleasure a partner’s (or your own) vagina or anus.

Many people enjoy the feeling of fullness that comes from being fisted, while others like the way this intense penetration stimulates their internal hot spots, like the G and P spots.

If you want to give fisting a go but your partner isn’t too keen, there are plenty of fisting dildos you can use. These are also a great option if you want to upsize from your own or your partner’s hand. Just make sure you are patient and use a lot of fisting lube to keep everything comfortable.

Humiliation

Humiliation is a kink that can be explored in several ways, from gentle verbal teasing to more aggressive degradation.

Anyone can take part in humiliation and degradation, but it’s usually enjoyed by people who like BDSM with dominant partners finding entertainment in their submissives’ embarrassment.

According to Tina Horn, sex educator and host of the podcast ‘Why Are People Into That?!’, verbal humiliation “can be just as intense, or even more intense, as consensually degrading physical sensations, such as impact play”.

Humiliation play is often very intense for both or all participants and, like all kinks, should be explored with everyone’s consent. It’s also a good idea to agree on safe word before play begins in case things get a little too intense.

Voyeurism

A voyeur is someone who gains sexual pleasure from watching others when they are naked or indulging in sexual activity, so voyeurism is the act of doing so. As with all kinks, the consensual element of voyeurism is of course very important when talking about it in a kinky context.

The common combination of exhibitionists (those who enjoy being watched) and voyeurs (those who enjoy doing the watching) makes this particular kink a top item on the menu at sex parties and kinky events.