Pipedream Portable Sex Machine

The one thing I can safely say I’ve always wanted to own would have to be a sex machine. Admittedly, being someone who has a higher sex drive than my partner and with lots of kinky submissive and Dom fantasies on the brain, I had to add this to my Lovehoney wish-list and the rest, as they say, is history.

The Packaging:

The Pipedream Portable Sex Machine comes in a black leather-look bag with a shoulder strap and has the Pipedream logo on either side. It’s not entirely discreet if someone recognises the logo, but it’s a fantastic quality bag that holds the machine and all of its accessories safely inside.

Around the bag is a cardboard sleeve, it has a few porn star type images of “use” of the toy that we kind of found amusing, and gave us a giggle more than anything, and a little information about the toy.

Inside you’ll find your machine wrapped in some bubble wrap and your accessories sealed and bagged in a small cardboard box. It’s not the most glamorous of packaging, but it serves its purpose, and the lovely hold-all bag more than makes up for it.

First Impressions:

The Pipedreams Sex Machine has so many amazing points to address, so I feel quite an in-depth review is needed to address the most important ones of this incredible toy in detail.

Firstly the storage bag. This is large and roomy enough to fit the machine and all its accessories inside. Not only is it lockable with a small padlock, but it comes with an “On the Go” Moist Lubricant attached to the key chain. I love the fact this product came with a bag. The only downside I feel is there aren’t any pockets or compartments inside to store the accessories, but apart from that it’s a lovely and a most welcomed addition.

Inside the bag you will find, one 8 x 7 x 5 inch sex machine, two dildos, one of which is realistic the other for G-spot stimulation both measuring at 7.5 inches (5 inches in circumference), a USB type remote and combined vibrator, a feather tickler, blindfold, some Moist water-based lubricant and toy cleaner, and finally your universal adapter and connecting wires.

The Machine:

As previously mentioned, the sex machine itself measures 8 x 7 x 5 inches in length. It’s a compact little thing, but don’t be completely fooled as what it lacks in size it certainly makes up for in action as its speeds can range from a gentle paced 75 to a hefty 183 thrusts per minute! To either side you will find two Velcro adjustable foot hoists (or hand straps) that ensure during play, the machine isn’t going anywhere. And finally underneath the machine itself, four suction cups that can be attached to an array of different surfaces.

The Attachable Accessories:

Taking a look at the dildos, both of which are made of silicone and 7.5 inches in length (5 inches in circumference), it’s really important to mention here that you only use a water-based lubricant with these toys as using a silicone lubricant with them could cause a reaction damaging them.

The realistic dildo is covered in delicious grooves and veins that run all the way down to its bulging head. At the base of dildo there is a hard plastic base that enables you to easily screw it on to the machine. I have to admit it’s not my favourite of the two as I found it quite tacky to the touch, but it is incredibly flexible and gives you a deep and full feeling when inserted.

The lovely lilac G-spot dildo, and my favourite of the two, is similar to the realistic with its screw-on base. It too is also incredibly smooth, squishy and flexible. It holds its ridged-ness in the tip, and its bulbous curved head is perfect for hitting your internal sweet spot.

Finally the controller, connected by USB to your device. The controller not only manages the speed of the machine by a scroll dial, but by the separate push of a button, the vibrations of a 4.5 inch vibrator. In the same silicone and in a darker shade of purple the vibrator is ridged descending into a pointed curve tip ideal for pin pointing your clitoris and is covered in a single vein like ridge.

Use of the Pipedream Portable Sex Machine:

Use is fairly straight forward. Simply connect your wires to the machine and the pins into the universal adapter and you’re ready to go. Although I will say here I was not entirely impressed with the adapter. I had to get it in a certain position for it to light up as I just found the pin connection to the adapter itself is too loose.

Admittedly my experience with the sex machine is only vaginally. There was no way I was going to use the dildos anally as they were a little on the large side for me. I’m also sure it would be fairly awkward to position the machine to receive penetration anally if you’re using the machine alone.

So bearing that in mind I decided to experiment. Screwing the realistic of the dildos tightly on to the machine and applying a lot of water-based lubricant, I slid my feet into the grips and inserted the dildo before turning on the machine (trust me this is wise move!). Nervously I scrolled up on the remote and the machine slowly started pumping in to action. This beast is certainly not the quietest of machines (let’s just say my partner when sitting downstairs knows when I’ve got it out).

I can truly say this is an experience like no other. When I felt comfortable and brave enough I handed the remote to my partner, who blindfolded and tied me up. Once I was at his mercy he toyed with and upped the speed until it brought me to a more than satisfying orgasm.

So now being even more intrigued, I decided to use the G-spot attachment and the vibrator. With the quick push of a button the vibrator is turned on. There’s only one speed, and admittedly it’s a bit too weak for me (I am power hungry when it comes to vibrations), but it nestles nicely against, and pin points your clitoris with ease.

Once snugly nestled against your internal sweet spot, the G-spot attachment feels so sleek and fills you just as nicely as the realistic dildo with its fantastic girth. The tip of the dildo is at just the right curve and width to massage and thrust against your G-spot. It truly is the best experience I’ve ever had from a toy designed for G-spot stimulation and had me squirting in no time with one of the most intense G-spot orgasms I’ve ever had with a toy.

Toy Maintenance and Care:

My machine doesn’t really get messy as such, but it is nice to give it a wipe down at the front of the machine with a very light spray of anti-bacterial (were talking tiny) and a dry cloth as it is not waterproof.

For the two dildos, I thoroughly spray with an anti-bacterial spray and gel, rinsing in water and leaving to dry to later store away. The cleaning of the vibrator, however, is a little different, but using the same technique and avoiding the controls part.

It’s also worth mentioning here again that when it comes to care, it’s advised to use only a water-based lubricant with the dildos and vibrator as they are made of silicone, and any silicone lubricant used is going to cause a reaction with your toys.

Summary:

So what can I say about the Pipedreams Portable Sex Machine. Undeniably it’s an amazing piece of equipment that anyone should add to their collection and I am so glad to have it in mine. There are so many fantasies that I and my partner have in mind for this amazing piece of kit. Being in a sub and Dom relationship, I’m sure we won’t run out of ideas any time soon.

I love the fact that it’s so versatile and brings a new dimension of play to the bedroom. From solo or partner play, the straps and suction cups enable you to keep the machine secure in a range of varying positions. Also who can forget the amazing variable speeds (a monstrous 183 thrusts per minute!) that are extremely satisfying and deliver toe-curlingly good orgasms.

However, sadly for me, it wasn’t all roses, with the largest complaint of them all was with the universal adapter. It’s incredibly frustrating that, once you’re plugged in and ready to go, that you have to fiddle with the wire to get it to turn on as it doesn’t completely click into the adapter. I now use an extension plug that is level with the floor as I found wall plug sockets a challenge if you moved the machine a little too much. I just found it incredibly cheap and feel a little more effort could have been put in for a better fitting plug.

Secondly, the controller. Being shared with the vibrator and for the hefty price you pay, I guess you would expect something a little more snazzy for a controller other than a volume wheel. At times I had fingers slipping and things ending with the dildo going places I most certainly didn’t want it to go!

Finally, the minor complaints. The kit includes a feather tickler and a blindfold, and I found these a bit wasted on us. Something in the shape of storage bags for the two dildos and the vibrator would have been appreciated a lot more as the bag doesn’t have any storage compartments. This now means I’ve had to store them in my own spare storage bags instead.

The very last of the niggles (I promise), and a huge downside, are the dildos. You are going to be really pressed to find dildos that are a screw-on attachment for this machine. That is not to say that there aren’t any, but the chances of getting any in the UK with a compatible base are not so high.

I really don’t think the Pipedream Sex Machine’s cons outweigh the benefits, one of which is the powerful thrusts that this machine provides and ranging from 75 to 183 thrusts per minute, it has this in volumes. I guess I’m not sure if I was expecting a little more for the price, but by no means will it be neglected in my bedroom or anywhere we decide to sneak it away with us as I am completely and utterly addicted to this incredible toy (especially the G-spot attachment).

Removing the sex machine from its bag, the first thought that crossed my mind was that the machine itself was smaller than I expected. The fact that it is labelled “portable” should have been my first clue, but I had been imagining something 'Sybian-like' in size. My next thought was that being small and compact, this machine would be less powerful, less effective and just ‘less’ all round. Thankfully this turned out to be false, but more on that later.

I began unpacking the rest of the bag, first pulling out two dildos that contained threaded bases. One of the dildos was anatomically correct, or realistically designed to look like a penis, the other was smooth, curved and more streamlined. Clearly this one was designed to stimulate the G-spot or prostate.

Next I pulled out a vibrating sex toy, with a wire attached. I later discovered that it is this vibrating toy is needed to operate the sex machine. The scrolling wheel on this sex toy controls the thrusting. You cannot operate the machine without this plugged in, but it was possible to use this as a vibrator, again so long as it is plugged into the machine. Finally I removed some little extras from the bag, including a feather tickler, a blindfold, a small bottle of water-based lubricant and a bottle of sex toy cleaner.

I am extremely fussy when it comes to sex toy materials and the three sex toys included with the sex machine were a little disappointing in that regard. All three toys had an oily, rubbery odour that I associate with cheaper sex toys and despite the fact they were labelled as phthalate-free silicone, I decided to use condoms on them, just in case they were porous.

Next I decided to play with the vibrator and again felt disappointed. This is a single speed/single setting vibrator that felt rather shallow and weak. I threw it aside after realising it did very little to please my clitoris.

Despite these initial disappointments, I was not dejected. This is a thrusting sex machine after all and I wanted to see what it had to offer in that regard. I attached my chosen dildo, plugged in the machine and turned it on. A huge grin spread across my face as I watched the machine buck around on my bed (it does come with suction cup feet, which allows you to secure it to a flat surface, but I did not stick it down during initial testing).

If the thrusting action was powerful enough to cause the whole machine to buck like this, I knew it would hold up to any natural resistance my body provided. I noted that the machine was quite loud, so this really is best for use when you have nobody in the house (or at least on the same floor as you). I then took some quick measurements, managing to work out that the overall thrust depth is between 2.5 and 3 inches (which might not sound like a lot, but this feels like plenty in use) and then lay back to experiment.

Seeing as this was my first experience with a thrusting sex machine, it’s fair to say I was tense, despite the fact I had applied a gallon of lubricant and got myself into a position that would reduce any risk of being stabbed painfully in the cervix. A tense vagina does not usually make for easy penetration, but that certainly did not stop this machine. As soon as I switched it on, it thrust easily into my body, which wasn’t comfortable, but it certainly reassured me this machine meant business. It was no pushover. You asked for thrusts and boy does it supply.

It took a few more attempts to learn to relax and let the machine do what it does best. I soon realised that the two Velcro handles attached to the side of the machine were designed to slide your feet into, to hold the bucking machine still between your legs, so I slid my feet inside, lay back, relaxed and began to thoroughly enjoy the sensations. I had it set to slowly move in and out of me and each thrust felt deep and thorough. My whole vagina, G-spot included, felt the sensations and movement. It was exactly as I had hoped it would be. Deeply fulfilling.

With my partner watching, I decided it was time to brave it and turn the machine up to full. I began cycling up through the speed settings slowly, feeling the intensity building while I talked to him about how good it felt. Clearly I cannot multi-task well, because midway through my sentence, I accidentally spun the wheel more than I had intended and the machine jumped into life like a jack-hammer, thrusting into me like nothing else I had ever experienced.

My sentence trailed away, replaced by a weird guttural moaning sound that I am fairly sure I have never made before and my body started shuddering uncontrollably. Within seconds I was having G-spot orgasm after orgasm, barely having time to take a breath before the intensity hit me again.

I hastily turned the speed back down before the top of my head blew off and lay there experiencing after-shocks. I had soaked the bed. It was at this point I opened my eyes to see my partner staring at me with his mouth hanging open. He broke the silence by saying “Okay, I love this machine”.

No sex toy has ever done this to me. I have never had squirting orgasms without manually stimulating myself and vibrations have never been enough. The Pipedream sex machine does it in seconds. Despite my initial concerns over its size and power, I was thrilled.

His Experience with Anal Use:

Just like me, my partner was extremely nervous about using this machine at first and after my intense experiences I can’t say I blame him. This machine thrusts deep and feels so intense that I recommend you warm up very well before using it anally, to avoid discomfort. If you are the kind of person who cannot stand toys pushing deep into the rectum, you might want to be extra careful during use.

It was just a little too intense and went a little too deep for my partner and although he would often begin by moaning in pleasure, it would usually become ‘too intense’ (his words) and we would have to stop. The toys can create quite a lot of friction during use at speed (especially with a condom on) so you are going to need a lot of lubricant, to reduce this friction; more so than when penetrating yourself manually.

Using the Sex Machine with Male Toys:

In the process of discovering new ways to use this machine, I dug into my imagination and began fashioning impromptu methods for attaching a Fleshlight to the end of the machine. Using an empty coke bottle and plenty of tape, I actually got it working too and I had him stand up, insert his penis into the Fleshlight and turn the machine on. Wow! It worked.

The machine could thrust the Fleshlight up and down his penis at speeds that would make my arm burn if I tried to do it manually and watching it in action was very erotic. It blew him away too, taking him to orgasm very quickly.

The only thing I would point out is that Fleshlights are heavier than dildos and are not really designed to use on this machine. We noticed the weight of the Fleshlight would cause the rod to angle down slightly, which I imagine could potentially cause damage to the machine in the long run (making it work harder than it was designed to). We have decided it is worth the risk, so we are going to try and fashion a more permanent attachment, so we can continue to use the machine like this in the future.

Any problems?

Aside from not being overly impressed with the materials used to create the sex toys, I only came across one other niggle with the design/operation of the sex machine. The wire that connects the machine to the power does not fit tightly into the back of the machine and if the machine moves too much (which it ultimately does), the wire falls out and the machine stops working. This can be frustrating when you are in the middle of a session.

It would also be nice to have a remote control to operate the machine, rather than the wired vibrator needing to be attached, because this connection can be a little loose too, plus it would stop you getting tangled up in wires.

Summary:

What the Pipedream Sex Machine lacked in size, it made up for in power. This amazing little sex machine packs an almighty satisfying punch and yet it is portable enough to carry around in a medium sized holdall for travel. The variable thrusting speeds satisfied all my moods, from a slow, sensual glide, right through to a G-spot pummelling thrust that made my legs shake. It was intense and highly satisfying.

If I were to suggest any improvements, I would ask for an option where the user could change the depth of the stroke. As it is, you don’t have any control over the length of the thrust and it would be nice to mix it up sometimes, depending on the mood. For example, I did long for a shorter thrust or jiggle against my G-spot occasionally, as opposed to deep and long all the time.

I would also ask for different fittings, so that I could attach a broad range of different sized dildos to the end, because those just starting out with anal play may find the two dildos included to be too large. Plus, I would love to be able to attach male strokers, such as the Fleshlights to this machine. This would make it so much more versatile.

However, it is fair to say that such versatile sex machines cost a lot more to purchase than the Pipedream sex machine does and I do not know of any standard, hand-held sex toys that could even come close to comparing to the power of this machine. The closest I have personally come to experiencing a ‘thrusting sex toy’ was the Fun factory Stronic Drei, which was very powerful and fun to use, but the thrusts were shallow enough to be described more accurately as “jiggling”. The Pipedream sex machine is head and shoulders above the Stronic toys, in terms of power and thrusting motion.

I would highly recommend the Pipedream Sex Machine, especially to fans of deep, long thrusting. It can be used for anal and vaginal use (although I recommend a condom if you intend on switching between orifices) and it will slowly penetrate you, or thrust hard and deep, never tiring or slowing down until you make it do so. Yes, it has some niggles, but overall I was extremely impressed with this machine.

I have been desperate (yes, desperate) for a "thrusting" machine, but I've been too skint to afford one.

When I had a bit of cash I tried one of the Stronic vibrators, which was good, but didn't provide long enough strokes for my liking. So, when I saved up quite a bit more cash I thought I would really go all out and get one of these. There were a few options on the Lovehoney site, and I went for this one because I felt it had just what I needed. I liked the compact size of it, the carry bag that came with it. Yes, it's a lot of money to spend on a sex toy, but we really are getting into the realms of "personal fucking machines" here and you have to expect to pay for those.

It arrived in the biggest cardboard box you can imagine. I swear you could have got a small horse in it! But it was easily broken down and recycled. The main machine itself was in a plastic bag with a cardboard wrap that was not discreet in the slightest - covered with text and images that didn't leave anything to the imagination. Oh man!

It was unrippable! I just couldn't rip it. It wouldn't go through a shredder and then I tried to burn it in our garden incinerator but even then it didn't catch on fire and instead just turned black but all the text and images were still totally visible and just served to send plumes of stinky blue smoke down the entire street. In the end I had to stuff piles of old newspaper below it and all around it and set it ablaze and hope that it would eventually disintegrate. I daren't open the lid in case I can still see the ghostly images of a man holding the machine over his partner with all the glaring "Portable Sex Machine" text beaming out at me.

You can probably tell, but having non-discreet packing that can't easily be disposed of is a total no-no in my book. I don't want my bin-men knowing what I'm up to, thank you very much! Come on, manufacturers, please take note!

Oh, back to the rest of it. There was a smaller cardboard box with the attachments in it. That box was okay. Bog standard cardboard box that fits inside the holdall that comes with it so that was totally fine. The holdall has the words "Pipe Dreams" on the outside, so that's okay too.

I have no need for the feather tickler but it is a nice touch if you want to play with a partner. For me, this was a solo project! There are two detachable dildos. A smooth, purple, very, very flexible curved G-spot one and a more realistic one. Honestly, the G-spot one gives a nice "smooth" sensation but it's so soft, it does nothing for the G-spot, well, not mine anyway. The realistic dildo definitely gives a more "real" sensation and therefore this one has become my preferred attachment.

The separate attachment (via USB cable) is a stand alone vibrator but is also the controller for the entire machine. So, even if you don't use the vibrator during your "play time", you still have to hold it to control the speed of the machine. You plug the machine into the mains and then connect the separate vibrator to control it. This vibrator is connected via cable, but it's a fairly long cable so it's easy to have it in your hands and control the machine yourself without the cable stretching taut or getting in the way.

The Vibrator controller has its own vibration but that can be turned off if you only want the machine to do the work (otherwise your hand would probably go numb!).

The stroke is nice and long and the foot straps on the side are an excellent design feature. There are also sucker pads on the base - but that means it can only be placed on a horizontal flat surface - not a wall (it would be pointing the wrong way!). The vibrator controller is just a very basic roller wheel. Like a dimmer switch. Click it on and a very slow thrust beings - roll the wheel and the speed gradually picks up.

Noise? Yes - it is bloody noisy. The faster it goes, the noisier it gets. Oh, my! I had to put a couple of pillows and a duvet over it to try and dampen the sound but it didn't silence it completely. And, it might just be my one, but it had a high pitched squeaky whine when it got up to full speed.

Now, I've only used it twice so far - and it is utterly brilliant... but on both occasions, it has stopped thrusting after some time. It just stops responding to the controls. The motor is on, but it just stops moving. I have not quite figured out whether this is an overheating issue (because of all the pillows and duvets) or whether it's a lubricant issue (lack of). It may have an inbuilt sensor that prevents it from thrusting if there is too much resistance (so to speak). It was after I'd already reached climax and I wanted to go again - but I didn't add any more lubricant as I thought I had enough. But, as we know, the lady bits can get a bit "grippy" after a big orgasm so perhaps that was the problem.

It worked fine once it was no longer in "active use". So, I'm leaning towards the lube issue being the cause of the problem. Next time I will bring a towel and add extra lube if I want to go into extra time - and hopefully it will perform perfectly throughout.

If you want a thrusting machine this does the job. But if you want a quiet one - this is not the one for you.

I would like to be able to buy additional attachments - larger and firmer possibly, but maybe they'll become available later on.