• I can't write for long because my hotel room has become the 'meet-up' point for everyone on this bloody holiday. I swear, everywhere I go someone tags along. I can't even go to the loo without one of the girls sharing a cubicle with me. It's like I'm in some damn witness protection program. I just want an hour to write my blog in peace!

    So real quickly then, the big news so far this week is that Sasha has been flirting with me like mad – proper leg stroking and ass fondling under the table – and so has her husband. I think there may be some threesome action on the cards. Please, please, please! Elsewhere, my friend Jessica pulled the sleaziest dude I have ever seen in my life last night. He told her he owned the restaurant we ate in. Turns out he collected the glasses. Oh, and I've lost my Nicole Farhi flats. Damn it!

    On with the main show. Here is the second erotic story excerpt of the week I promised you. This one is from a favourite book of mine...

    More Wicked Words: an erotic short story collection This particular story is called One Of The Boys by Robyn Russell, and it's about a 16-year-old girl called Sam, her boyfriend Jamie, his cousins, and a sex siren called Margaret who moves to their quiet town for one sizzling summer.

    We had a late night last night, so neither of us were in the mood for love this morning before work, but I checked he had taken his Sweet Release pill before I went off to work.

    I spent the day rushing around so I got home exhausted. I was supposed to be meeting Jason and his friend for a drink, but I was too tired and I knew that if I did go my online diary would never get written, so I sent him a saucy message and apologised for my absence. By the time Jason gets home, I will already be in bed and there will be no time for sperm testing, which is probably just as well - I think it tastes a bit funny after alcohol.

    What will we do with the drunken sailor..... Hmm, go back to sleep I reckon and hopefully dream of tomorrow's tasting session.

    Day: Tuesday 12/9/06
    Time: 8.30pm
    Location: Bedroom
    Circumstances: A quickie to check the taste
    How did he taste? Normal - quite neutral
    Sperm Test Rating: 1 (1=normal, 100=Golden Delicious Apple)

    ...Have just looked at the photo (taken with phone camera in crap light) and realised you can see jack in terms of details. Well, at least if you’re wondering what some of the images on the bedroom wall are, now you know – although I guess there’s always a danger that you might not be interested… ;-)

    Oh. I just asked Shane if he wanted to say something but he said it’s supposed to be my blog. I reckon he’s just SHY. We’ll coax it out of him yet! And the rest.

    Well, today we’ve both been at work, and working our little bottoms off! I went to the gym this evening, so I feel pretty virtuous. Determined to fight the good fight against being thirty!

    Diet today? Both of us pretty healthy and veggie. No, we’re not vegetarians but we do eat a varied diet – everything from junk food to nuts, seeds, berries and pulses. Everything in moderation and a little of what you fancy is very definitely good for you. ;-)

    So… Foreplay…

    We ate dinner and relaxed for a while in front of the box and started kissing and stroking one another whilst we were sitting on the sofa. After a while, I’m sorry to say that we moved to the bedroom. I didn’t fancy kneeling on my scarred (car accident) knees on the living room carpet this evening. And the painters are in so… *sigh* We are a little limited. Well, I limit myself in that situation. BUT I promise we’ll try to be a little more creative later on in the month.

    So let’s get down to it.

    Lovehoney has assembled a panel of expert judges to examine the competition entries. The nation's orgasmic destiny is in their hands!

    Read below about the judges to find out more about them and the experience they can draw on when judging the Design A Sex Toy entries.

    Day:Monday 11/9/06
    Circumstances:Quickie before friend visited
    How did he taste?Grass / avocado / salt
    Sperm Test Rating:1
    (1=normal, 100=Golden Delicious Apple)

    Monday and the first day of our diary and we both knew what we had to do. I was a bit worried that it would take away the spontaneity, but Jason didn't seem to mind. We both work full-time and had a friend coming round in the evening, so there was no time to waste....

    Jason was worried about cleanliness as he hadn't had time for a shower, so he felt the need to dip his 'Salty Sailor', as we have named it, in a cup of water before we started. The cup turned out to be appropriate as it was decorated with a chinese symbol for 'Good Luck'. So for anyone that knows us, don't accept an offer of coffee when you come round - now you know where that cup has been.

    We then went through to the bedroom, I imagined his Salty Sailor was an ice-cream cone and got started. It didn't take long, in fact from flop to pop in five minutes. Verdict: the usual flavour - freshly mown grass with salty avocado.

    With more than 2,500 applications, we had to have some way of choosing the right couples, so we asked potential Sperm Testers why they thought they'd make good test subjects for our suck-it-and-see trial.

    We receieved a mind-boggling selection of responses from eager couples, many of which gave a startling insight into their relationships. You can just imagine the pillow talk...

    1 "We've dyed his pubic hair, made a cock mould and put Space Dust inside me."

    2 "After gobbling the same goo for 13 years, I'd definitely notice any difference in taste."

    3 "My partner is a smoker and I would appreciate anything that would change the bitter taste in his fluids."

    4 "I love to cum on her face and drink it after."

    5 "We love to make each other sponk by mouth, tongue, WHAHEY"

    6 "They don't call me the Wacky Cum Swallower for nothing!"

    7 "We are both fussy eaters trying to get our five a day fruit and veg :)!!!!"

    8 "Jon can cum for England (he is very generous with his 'load')"

    9 "Pam is in the middle of changing her pill and can't have intercourse for the next month. The only sexual fun we are going to have is oral."

    10 "I know how Stephen's semen tastes better than my own saliva. I'd notice any differences."

    I wish you were here. I wish you all were because this place is simply heaven. My hotel room, now beautifully scented with the Jo Malone candles I bought last week, is basic but comfortable and the resort itself has the appearance of a mini paradise. This place is so beautiful that I'm feeling a smudge romantic. Shame I haven't got a significant other to share it with, though.

    Oooh, speaking of significant others, do you remember me saying that Sasha was coming on this holiday with us? Well she is here, looking as sexy and toned as ever. There's a slight problem, though, in that she's brought her HUSBAND with her! When the hell did she get married? More to the point, when did she stop being a major lesbian? I have always been openly bi, but toward the end of our last year in uni Sasha was vehemently anti-men. Believe me when I say, my head is still swimming from the shock of it all.

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