1. No sex toy works on her (yet). Suggestions please?

    kayliixx [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with everything fluffbags has said tbh, I went through counselling for 2 years with one person who was so against sex she actually made me feel worse about why I was there and like it was my fault (I only kept going to keep my mums mind at ease) then I was moved to another counsellor/psychologist who was great and he really helped me to build my confidence and actually encouraged exploring again. That said neither of them were sex therapists but it was down to sexual experiences I was there. I still occasionally have sessions as sometimes my feelings towards sex go back to where I was. It does take aloy of time to get out of that block.

    I really hope yous can sort this and it's great to see you are supporting her through this. Also try not to emphasize your need to please her as, as fluffbags said that increases pressure on her to perform which in turn makes it harder. All the best xx

    loveisallyouneed [sign in to see picture]
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    Does she actually like clitoral stimulation? Not all women do. If you've tried and tried and nothing works maybe she just isn't a fan. All women are different.

    She may be more of a g-spot girl. Nipples, bottom, anal play. It's not all about the clitoris!

    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks loveisallyouneed for your input, but g-spot and anal are too radical and not even worth thinking about - particularly since she is phobic about genitals. Her nipples have no function other than decorative; she has no sensations from those - ever.

    Heatseekher [sign in to see picture]
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    Answering questions posted on forums is always tricky as often there are elements that haven't been mentioned.......

    my 2 penneth based on what i've seen written....
    it seems pretty clear that there's a disconnect mentally for whatever reason, so how to overcome that. Buying additional toys, potions and so forth isn't likely to work - unless there's a glimmer of interest on her part.
    You haven't mentioned whether she actually feels anything at all in terms of arousal ( unless i missed that?).....

    you mentioned giving massages and trying various toys, but how did she feel? anything? nothing? some stirring?

    Perhaps this may be too radical but a thought. If there's a phobia toward genitals then how about removing the sight of what your doing/using? is there a away perhaps to start with a normal massage, leading to a more sensual massage - without touching the obvious spots - using the sacral area to stimulate her? and then perhaps trying a toy/touch once she's aroused? ( would be thinking something like a quality wand or eroscillator - ).....

    The thing is: might you end up putting her off even more by continually trying but failing? is this a spiral of defeat? Orgasm is obviously different in all, but once achieved, once the feeling is there perhaps she'd feel more comforatble and able to get a little more interested? however perceived pressure to 'perform' is counter intuitive.....
    playing and finding enjoyment without an obvious orgasm, ie/ no goal is far more likely to lead to a rewarding experience than having a bit of an agenda....

    if its been talked about in your posts and i've missed iy- apologies. But i think you need to think about whether she feels anything, how long you're massaging/playing for, when+how - is there an expectation from her that a massage = an attempt at sex? ( better that you just massage for pleasure a few times with no overt agenda?) gain her trust, let her know that orgasm isn't the goal but feeling good is - whatever that means....and junk any ritual/format that you've ever tried, pamper,praise,nurture, guide, relax etc etc.

    good luck.....

    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Heatseekher. We did most of this in therapy and still do it a lot, though the massage can get pretty wearisome. And I'm afraid there is no such thing as arousal for her because she feels nothing - absolutely nothing. I could massage her all over until I fall sleep. No arousal follows. This simply does not work. She has no experience of sexual arousal even though she knows about it. We do cuddle and explore for over an hour before we do anything anyway.

    As for trust, we're very, very close after 30 years marriage. We don't have any trust issues between us I am glad to say - we know each other extremely well. In fact I used Susan Bratton's "Revive her Drive" programme (Susan has personally been very involved and helpful with her advice to me). So I have already long since dropped issues like anger, agendas and goal-seeking and very much relaxed. Susan's programme is superb for this and I can't praise her enough.

    My wife is not against toys - LoveHoney's little pocket vibrator got her going (as per textbook) a couple of times but she is unable to mentally link that with sexual arousal and will try to avoid the sensations after a while.

    Listen folks, many thanks for your help and thanks for the suggestions. I may follow a couple up and see how we get on. I think for the meantime I shall sign off on this topic and say: many thanks for all your input. I truly appreciate it, and you are a kind, helpful and wonderful bunch of people!

    And thanks to Lovehoney for hosting this community - it's a great help and a load of fun too.

    pippitypip [sign in to see picture]
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    Emotional/psychological reasons aside - I know you said the magic wand would be too big (intimidating?), but the bodywand rechargeable one is smaller and might be something previously overlooked? It's out of stock at the moment, but I think due back in sometime soon.


    I just thought I'd mention it just in case..

    good luck :)


    [suspended user]

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    Dear Mr. Frustration,

    I get that you are starting to give up at least on this topic, if not even on the issue… I just wanted to say I truly feel for you and like so many others here, praise your commitment to her!

    I do agree completely with Fluffbags’ opinions. If she has never-ever felt any sexual pleasure, not as a developing teenager in her body, not mentally from an idea or image, not physically for the hormones or stimulation, she may just not enjoy sex. Which is most probably psychological; but could be aggravated by her body’s shutting down as a response to “not feeling it” for so many years as well as by menopause.

    I do think unblocking sexual related doors is achieved thru complete trust, respect and deep love. As I understand, you do already have those in your long-going relationship. Does she enjoy pleasing you sexually at least at an emotional level? Is she happy not just with you, but with your arrangements of her “fulfilling sexual duties” as once used to be put by some? If she is okay with how things are, I applause you for trying, but maybe you just need to let it go her way…

    I could however recommend two items from our personal collection that I enjoy for various reasons:

    1. The Lelo Smart Wand Large Rechargeable Vibrator (http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=25284), which is very elegant and easy to use. I have never owned a wand before this recent acquisition, but I think it is as powerful as any wands out there if not more, with a much wider choice of experimenting to your taste between speeds and patterns. It is also cordless (and rechargeable and waterproof), which I think takes away the “technicality” a bit. You can get it in white, which at a psychological level reminds purity and is quite inoffensive to the sight as well or in black which will be harder to spot for her with lights off. You can first use it for an “innocent” relaxing massage on her as well as others here have suggested, and this would also take away some of the pressure related to the idea of it being a sex toy.
    2. The Lovehoney 10 Function G-Whizz Silicone G-Spot Vibrator (http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=23015) became my favorite toy instantly because it is so non-intrusive. It is small and cute, so it again doesn’t scream “put me inside you” as much as it whispers “toy around with me, let’s see where it goes”. It has strong enough vibrations I think (especially for just one battery!), and again you can just play around all over with it, including a hot bath with no pressure on. It is small enough to insert if that is what she pleases, but again, there is no real need to, as it gets me going just around my entrance too, and it makes me orgasm even if I prefer a G-spot one from the “real thing” anytime, as opposed to clitoral joys.

    All the best to you both.

    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you Pippitypip and Era for adding such useful comments. No Era, she does not really enjoy anything to do with sex.

    Naked_butler [sign in to see picture]
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    What does she enjoy most sex wise regardless of toys? Oral? Penetration? Fingers? The answer leads you to wat you want i.e squeel, dildo etc

    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Naked_butler. Vanilla sex is all she will tolerate. The emphasis being on tolerate rather than 'enjoy'.

    Tussilago [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.heyepiphora.com/2009/11/review-eroscillator/ the eroscillator is available on LH and is probably as efficient as the magic wand. The Fairy Mini and Fairy Mini Mini is supposedly just as powerful as the original magic wand but not available on LH, you're very likely to find them in other online stores though and they're both significally smaller than the original wand. As other say this is probably never going to be solved with powerful vibrations but hey, you can always keep trying as long as you're both comfortable!


    [suspended user]

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    Lollipop ;) wrote:

    100% it has to be the lovehoney magic wand, it's like the stronges vibrator in the world.


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