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  1. Vibrator insecurities?

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    anniecat [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 20 Jul 2010

    Hi, I only just joined, so apologies for jumping straight into a new post without getting to know you guys first., but this seemed the perfect place to ask. (I did try searching, but didn't find anything sadly, sorry if it's a repeat)

    A few months ago, I treated myself to the Love Honey basics range love egg. I mainly brough it as an unintimidating first sex toy because dildo's and vibrators seemed very daunting to me. I brought it because my boyfriend and I don't actually live together, he lives with his parents, I live with my mum. Typically for the past 6 years we only see eachother on weekends. Obviously with him being away all week every week, sometimes a woman has needs she has to satify. I brought my egg to help me deal with that.

    When my boyfriend found out, he became quite funny with me, I think I hurt his pride a bit. He gave me the 'am I not good enough' kinda deal. I told him it was only to help for when he was away and I was horny and eventually he backed down, but I still don't think he's accepted it.

    I no longer find vibrators so daunting and I would actually like to try a full vibrator now, but I'm really worried about my boyfriend, I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel he's being replaced. Since he can still be a bit funny just about the love egg, I'm worried what buying an actual vibrator will do to him.

    Anyone got any tips on how I can make him accept and who knows, maybe even enjoy toys with me? I don't want to replace him at all and if I could have him every day of the week, of course I would, but I can't seem to make him see that :(

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    Best to talk before hand. Not talking about and hiding it might imply it's dirty and something to be ashamed about if he ever does find it and even if you show him it might hurt his ego as you mentioned.

    You really just need to communicate that it is an aid to sex not a replacement. Some men take it as a direct slight against their ego... It really isn't often the case. Explain to him he turns you on so much you get frustrated!

    I'll other members to chip in but otherwise I suggest giving this a read:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2009/10/19/how-to-introduce-sex-toys-into-a-relationship/

    Good luck

    1279663901
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    1279664010
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 12 Jan 2010

    I remember one OA member explaining to her lover that her toy was his 'understudy' not his replacement.

    After you've explained to your boyfriend that you're a sexual being and that you enjoy all kinds of stimulation, be it solo or with company, then he should appreciate that he's in a relationship with someone for whom pleasure is important. I suggest sharing what you learn with him and invite him along to enjoy the fun. Encourage him to share any itches and urges he has with you, too.

    If you don't want to share your toys, that's cool. Even though you're in a relationship, there is still a big part of your sex life that your entitled to keep to yourself. It's our partner's privilege that they get to share a bit of it, not an entitlement.

    Don't worry about his ego too much. He's an adult and should be able to handle it. If he can't accept it then there's plenty of men out there who dig chicks who accessorize However, the 'talk and share' reaction is probably what you're looking for and not the Tigerlilies style of: 'get over it cupcake, if I wanted to replace you I would get another man.'

    1279737903
    anniecat [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 20 Jul 2010

    Thanks for all the advice, I'll try sitting down with him and having a nice little chat, hopefully it'll go well.

    1279738217
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Let us know how things go.

    1279738542
    toxycat [sign in to see picture]
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    I think if you explain to him that toys are there to help enhance your sexual experiences and not replace him......he should feel better about it. Its just a case of male pride getting in the way....'why does she need to get toys when she has me'.......Masturbation is completely normal......perhaps hes just never come across a woman that has opened up to him about wanting to enhance solo play.......and hes not really sure of how to react. Surely he cant be that nieve to think you dont masturbate......and you can bet he'll be doing it whilst away!!

    Like Tigerlilies said....sit down and chat about it........if this guy cant accept your solo play.......then there are a hell of alot of men out there that would kill for a woman to be upfront about it..............hope your chat goes ok with him!!!

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    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 13 Jul 2010

    how about one of the "mould a willy" kits? That way he can feel a little more involved in it, and know that its actually "his bits" that are satisfying you when he's not around?

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    Starlight* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 10 Jun 2010

    I agree with the OA- talk to him about it first, and ensure he knows that it is not a replacement for him: it is just something to keep you going until you get the real thing!

    I would also try to include your OH when you are playing with your toy. For example, once you've spoken about you using a vibe, send him a picture/video of you using it, and state that you would rather have him? The fact that he can see you using it would perhaps be a turn-on for him, instead of him raising jealous feelings? Also, you could get him to use the vibe on you when you eventually see each other at weekends, and after some playing around with the toy, you could jump on him, to show that it is him what satisfies you the most? You could also use the vibe on his balls, gently putting the vibrations on his skin, so he knows that it is not a daunting toy, but one that can be used for couple play too?

    Good luck with it- let us all know how you get on xx

    1279808090
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    toycar69 wrote:

    how about one of the "mould a willy" kits? That way he can feel a little more involved in it, and know that its actually "his bits" that are satisfying you when he's not around?

    I'd see that as pandering to his insecurities. Being understanding is fine, actually pandering too them less so in my opinion.

    He may be insecure but thats *his* problem - I think talking to him and reassuring him is a good way to progress but to put validity in his insecurities by altering things for him isn't a good idea.

    I'd agree with the other OA'ers and say talk to him, reassure him that vibrators are incapable of replacing anyone - they can't love, be affectionate or be considerate. They can't manage foreplay or more than a little variety. They are plastic "aids" or even additions to a good sex life but they aren't a replacement for a good sex life. Ask him would he ever substitute masturbating for sex with a loving partner? 'Cause it's basically the same thing, just your masturbation has buzzing!

    Adx

    1279808301
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    toycar69 wrote:

    how about one of the "mould a willy" kits? That way he can feel a little more involved in it, and know that its actually "his bits" that are satisfying you when he's not around?

    I'd see that as pandering to his insecurities. Being understanding is fine, actually pandering too them less so in my opinion.

    Adx

    But it does demystify sex toys to him... and provide a bridge, its him but not him and then it might make other buzzy things more acceptable.

    Not ideal, but neither is his irrationality!

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I suppose perhaps it does - but I'd say it'd have to be clear that it were a "bridge" and not an alternative.

    Adx

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