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  1. Relationships and toys

    1483726338
    stacie93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 29 Sep 2016

    Hi everyone. I been with my partner for a year now and we have a great sex life. We use small toys such as clitral vibe and glass dildo. And I even got him a fleshlight for Christmas to get him his kind of toy. But he is dead against me having a mains powered vibrator and a G spot rabbit type toy. Basically he is amazing at giving me oral with the G spot stimulation but I love sex toys also to give me that pleasure when he's not around and just to have it. So I've bought both toys with out his knowledge I know this is bad. I've tried to explain but he always shuts me down. Anyone got any advice ?

    1483726874
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3606
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    I don't think he has the right to decide what kind of toys you can't use. As long as it's not interfering with your sex life I don't see a problem. However, I do think you should try to talk to him some more and maybe show him this site. He also needs to be reassured that you are not replacing him, just want these things for when he's not available.

    1483727301
    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1122
    • Joined: 16 Aug 2016

    I agree with Sxleksaker. It's not fair for him to dictate what you can or can't have but you would benefit from understanding why he is so against them so you can reassure him. I suspect he feels a little replaced, in that if you have got an amazing toy why would you need him?

    He needs to see that by you experimenting and learning more about your body, he will likely gain. To be honest the more I play solo the higher my sex drive becomes and the more I want my OH.

    I do sometimes use my rabbit and g-spot toys with my OH if we are having a longer session but mainly stick with steel or glass dildos, butt plugs and bullet vibes.

    1483727958
    stacie93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 29 Sep 2016

    Thank you for your advice both. By no means am I trying to replace him. It's my first serious relationship and I've always enjoyed sex toys but wanted to try more things and like you said experiment. I will try and show him this site and talk to him like you said, might help. It was just a shock how he said you are not buying those toys as am not the type to be told what I can't or can have. I hate lying. I agree with you though the more I use toys the higher my sex drive ! Definitely want to sort this out with him and show him sex toys are a positive thing.

    1483728438
    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1122
    • Joined: 16 Aug 2016

    My OH loves them now. He was gutted when he thought he lost his favourite cockring.i got a replacement this went but then the original turned up when it fell out of his bag at college yesterday!!

    1483728468
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3606
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    I think you sound like a mature and resonable person, I hope he listens to you so you can reassure him that toys wont replace him :) I have around 30 toys, and initially my OH was a little sceptical, but now he uses them on me and asks if he can use my wand on me for example :)

    1483730164
    stacie93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 29 Sep 2016

    Thanks :) yeah I hope he does listen and sees am only trying to keep our sex life exciting :)

    1483734026
    Quiet ones are worse! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1080
    • Joined: 24 Jun 2012

    OK I only skimmed the whole post, sounds like he wants to control you( to a degree ) or he feels like he's being replaced, talk to each other and perhaps get him to help you use your new toys so that he can see how they make you feel with him operating them, maybe?

    1483740785
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 11561
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    I agree with what's already been said. I have a very high sex drive and have a huge array of toys. I love using them when my oh is unavailable but I have explained to him that they feel so much better when it's him using them on me. It's the intimacy of it when he's on the other end of them , so to speak. Maybe if your oh does feel a little threatened by them this could be a good way of setting his mind at rest xx

    1483741448
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1297
    • Joined: 9 Nov 2016

    I texted the OH about being vanilla for an evening and she thought its was yet another flavoured lube... Just to remind her that ultimately its her I want, the recent umpf in my sex drive and toy useage, might just have had her thinking its the kink rather than her responsible.

    1483743223
    S&T [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 11 Jan 2013

    Stacie, I find it bizarre that you and your OH can use 'smaller' toys without issue but he is against the other toys you just bought.

    As has been said in other responses there is nothing wrong getting the other toys. He shouldn't be allow dictate to you what to do. That being said he is clearly intimidated by these other (maybe larger?) toys so you should tell him otherwise if he finds them, that might confirm his own fears (even if they aren't real). Also just reassure him that they aren't to replace him. You could even offer to use the vibrator on him? As a guy trust me he'll love it as it will be a completely different sensation to what he's used to

    1483745286
    stacie93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 29 Sep 2016

    S & T, I agree with you. My OH was always up from using smaller vibes and then my glass toys. I alway tell him how amazing he is at oral and stimulating my G spot at same time is actually my favourite thing ever ! Then I got curious to trying a G spot rabbit and a powerful mains toy. He said that it takes away him being able to do it like it's only him that can pleasure me that way and a toy will take that away. But I disagree it will always be more amazing with him toys are just an added bonus. Self pleasure has always been important to me I enjoy solo play just as much as sex. I think there's nothing wrong with that. Also he said that a mains powered toy would desensitised me which I think is nonsense and I argued my reasons. I have a small collection of toys now and I use different ones every time which keeps my body guessing and is so much fun. i think because the wand is plugged into the wall it sounds worse than what he thinks. He was upset when I got the smaller mini wand but then he came around to the idea and he enjoys using it on me. I think it will take some time to get him to be reassured but I am going to try and maybe he'll even enjoy different sensations himself !

    1483745718
    Smudgey [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 30 Oct 2015

    I would possibly suggest deeper rooted reasons for this. Maybe something he's embarrassed about or something in the past that's hindering his confidence. I'd definitely agree that you 2 need a proper discussion, but in fairness it isn't the easiest thing to talk about.

    Or.... possibly flip it around, wait for him one evening in your best with your best toys, show him for himself what they can do, involve him in it, I'm sure he wouldn't turn the opportunity down !? Wish you luck

    1483747495
    S&T [sign in to see picture]
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    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 11 Jan 2013

    I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if the shoe was on the other foot regarding dictating buying things. But the positive thing is though that he came around to the mini wand so i'm sure he'll come around to the other toys.

    1483751627
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 11 Apr 2016

    I have that rebellious streak in my where if my husband said "you cant have that" I would go out and buy one in each colour and in every size! I am not one who can be told what they can and cannot do.

    With my husband he was worried sex toys may render him useless. He now realises he was completely wrong, it adds to our sex life. We have our limits though which is no realistic dildos or vibrators and no tails. We sat down and discussed it in great detail of what we would and would not like. There are things I wanted that he didnt and vice versa so we compromised. Have a chat with him. Good luck 😊

    1483753119
    stacie93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 29 Sep 2016

    Rosyche eek I totally agree with you ! It's definitely been learning curb to me in a relationship where you have to understand the other persons feelings. When my OH first told me I am not to buy the toys I wanted I felt angry in a sense. if I want something I'll buy it regardless even if it means lying which isn't great, obviously it's not nice in a relationship You got a good way of looking at things, maybe to compromise on certain things. Thank you xx

    1483759257
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1667
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Men need to feel needed, especially if the woman in the relationship is strong and independent.

    I alway tell him how amazing he is at oral and stimulating my G spot at same time is actually my favourite thing ever !

    For this you tell him you need him, imagine he is now thinking that, this amazing thing I can do for her, is about to become second rate, at the hands of a mains powered machine; how can i compeate with what that maybe able to do.

    Now you can understand why he is digging his heals in over this. What you need to do is tell he, you want to use that machine, to bring something different into the mix. And that nothing can ever relace what he can do, nothing can replace the feel, of the flesh and skill of the man you love. But that you would like him to experiment with you with this new toy, as well as, as you say the more you play alone the more sex you will want with him. Not that this toy will fill up that extra desire for sex, in his place.

    It is not his place to say how you play, or with which toys when alone, even if he is not willing to bring it into your love making. You are not taking another man to your bed. IMO you should have told him, you want to try this new toy, and that you are going to buy it, rather than do it behind his back; which kind of says you didn't have the right, when you do.

    1483761564
    EngAz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 52
    • Joined: 31 Dec 2016

    I think it's insecurity, a feeling that you like the toy more than him. Perhaps that it will eventually replace him entirely. Maybe next time you get up close and personal with his member throw a little flattery his way, talk him up real well and after.

    1483762955
    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 675
    • Joined: 19 Feb 2015

    A guy trying to tell me what I should and shouldn't buy with my own money would make me pretty mad but any guy who said "you are not buying X" would be out the door. It's your body and as long as you aren't trying to make him use them on himself or during sex when he isn't interested then really he doesn't have a right to dictate what toys you buy.

    I think it is worth talking about why he dislikes those toys specifically but if he shuts you down, I'm not sure how productive that will be.

    The fact he refuses to talk about it combined with quite a controlling attitude towards the toys sets a few alarm bells going in my head. I'm hoping it is just insecurity about sex toys. Is the telling you what to do and shutting you down only in relation to sex toys or does it happen in multiple situations?

    1483801138
    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    stacie93 wrote:

    S & T, I agree with you. My OH was always up from using smaller vibes and then my glass toys. I alway tell him how amazing he is at oral and stimulating my G spot at same time is actually my favourite thing ever ! Then I got curious to trying a G spot rabbit and a powerful mains toy. He said that it takes away him being able to do it like it's only him that can pleasure me that way and a toy will take that away. But I disagree it will always be more amazing with him toys are just an added bonus. Self pleasure has always been important to me I enjoy solo play just as much as sex. I think there's nothing wrong with that. Also he said that a mains powered toy would desensitised me which I think is nonsense and I argued my reasons. I have a small collection of toys now and I use different ones every time which keeps my body guessing and is so much fun. i think because the wand is plugged into the wall it sounds worse than what he thinks. He was upset when I got the smaller mini wand but then he came around to the idea and he enjoys using it on me. I think it will take some time to get him to be reassured but I am going to try and maybe he'll even enjoy different sensations himself !

    Sorry I missed this before I replied. It sounds like you've got to the bottom of it. So glad you were able to talk about it. He has some beliefs that aren't quite true, like about mains powered toys desensitising you so hopefully sharing your knowledge will solve the issues. I find that vibes do make me numb immediately but it definitely isn't permanent. Theoretically I guess it could cause nerve damage similar to white finger vibration but that occurs in people using handheld machinery at work continuously, not for half an hour a couple of times a week. By the sounds of it you are also mixing things up so you are getting rid of the chance to get used to just one type of stimulation.

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