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  1. How Sex Dolls saved our marriage after the menopause

    borninsixties [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 29 Mar 2015

    Hi. Sorry this is a long post but I am hoping it might help someone. If you are a man reading this then maybe you will resonate and if you are a woman then maybe seeing it from a man's perpective could prove interesting.

    My first marriage ended after we decided that neither of us really wanted kids. My wife had been brought up that sex was just for having children and nothing else. She bent the rules for that by justifying to herself that she was just "practising", and our sex life was great at first. However, it got to a point that mentally she just couldn't do sex, as her upbringing eventually caught up with her. She even suggested that I have an affair or visited prostitutes when abroad on business (I spent a lot of time away from home), but I just couldn't do that. We also tried a sex doll, but back then they were awful and after the first use I felt so sordid I cut it up and threw it away. It was like disposing of a dead body. We decided to divorce shortly afterwards.

    Sex with my second wife was brilliant for years. The word "no" didn't seem to be in her vocabulary. She even admitted that she would regularly pleasure herself in the toilets at work! (this is more common than you might think, I've since learned).

    Then came the menopause. Suddenly she didn't have any libido whatsoever. We thought it would pass. It didn't. She tried medication. It didn't work. We started to argue, at first about sex, then about everything. Our relationship went downhill fast.

    From her perspective, she just didn't feel any desire to have sex. Ever. From mine, I was still as randy as when we first met. We went from sex 2-3 times a week to hardly ever. I was faced with some difficult choices:

    1. Accept it and live with it.

    2. Have an affair.

    3. Visit prostitutes.

    4. Sex toys

    I had tried Option 1 with my previous wife. It led to resentment, frustration and eventually divorce.

    My (current) wife had always made it clear that Option 2 and 3 would be an instant divorce. I have known so many people that had affairs that led to messy divorces that I myself would never consider either of these options.

    So it was Option 4:

    As I've got older I have found masturbation more and more unfulfilling. Watching porn helps, but not much (we often watched porn together and it has never been an issue for us).

    I then tried using Male Masturbators, e.g. Fleshlight. At first my wife wasn't too happy with this but when I asked her the difference between a Fleshlight and the vibrators she herself had used she changed her mind. So that wasn't a problem.

    After a while the Fleshlight just didn't do it for me. It was too close to masturbation and soon became unfulfilling once more. I therefore bought a couple of cheap sex dolls from LH.

    At first it felt weird, almost like having an affair. I always felt guilty afterwards. However, it didn't feel like masturbation, it was far better and closer to the real thing. Perhaps it is because they have more of a physical presence? Anyway the guilt soon got to me and I decided to tell my wife about them.

    Being a bloke I wasn't very subtle; on reflection I could have done it better because she went ballistic. Things were very difficult for a week or so. However, after the initial shock, she came round to the idea that me having sex with a doll wasn't really much different to using a Fleshlight; using a Fleshlight is only masturbation, and everyone does that (any woman reading this who thinks her man doesn't masturbate when she isn't around is probably fooling herself). An important factor is we boith knew the dolls were not a threat; I would never choose them over her.

    In the end we decided it was worth a try, because we were both fed up with our constant arguing. So I would use the dolls and would not constantly pester her for sex. We would sleep together or just cuddle but only have sex when she suggested it, so she didn't feel pressured. To make it work I said she would have to buy me a doll. Other wise whenever we argued she might throw it back in my face (literally!). I mean, where is the harm in playing with a toy that your partner bought you?

    I let her choose the model and she bought me a Kimmi Lovecock, a beautiful doll with a truly awful name. A few months later it was my wife who suggested I get a teddy babe.

    Almost a year on and we are happier now than we have been for ages. I have discovered that by not pestering my wife for sex all the time we actually end up doing it more often. And in between that I have my dolls. We've not had a threesome, though she has allowed a teddy babe in the bed with her. Seeing her together with the teddy babe in stockings has been a great turn on for me.

    All of this obviously isn't something we are going to discuss with our friends and family in Manchester but it works for us. I know some people reading this might abhor the idea of their partner (or even themselves) with a sex doll, but a look through the products on this site show that everyone is different. And no third parties are involved. We both know it isn't the perfect solution for either of us, but marriage is all about compromise isn't it? Oh, and communication.

    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for sharing this , I am happy to hear it has saved your marriage and you are happy together heart

    It sounds like you and your OH have the communication sorted and they say that is key ! 

    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww what a wonderful thread thanks for sharing your situation and resolution with us. I'm glad you and your wife have communicated and compromised to ensure your both happy. Xx

    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for sharing! I'm glad you've found a compromise that works for both of you! X

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    The main thing about a relationship isn't sex as such but comminication . Its good communication I think saved your marriage, of course the sex dolls helped .

    Thanks for sharing I am sure it will provide useful reference for those in a similar position .


    [suspended user]

    suspended user
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    It's great you've decided to share this on here, I'm sure it helps people accept and understand! :)

    Knight1119 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, thanks for sharing, & I’m glad your relationship is happier.

    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I am glad this helped your relationship! I think being open and looking for options is needed. I would not mind my partner using toys if i was in similar situation.I do nto see them as threat. I agree the options 2 and 3 are for most a no go, but toys? Ideally would be acceptable

    H&AW [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 30 Nov 2017

    What an amazing, courageous post. Good on you for being brave enough to share something so deeply personal, and good on your partner for being so self-aware to want to help you both get through the challenges you both faced. Having been through a similar split-up when my partner and I were totally out of step on the matter of sex, and with no willingness to engage in any dialogue - it's great to see 2 people trying to work things out. Respect to you both!

    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 11 Jul 2015

    I'm just hitting menopause now, but when it started with peri-menopause I started having all sorts of difficulties with my sex life.

    In short, apart from the normal physical problems, I was suffering mentally and became a complete bitch to my OH.

    I've always had a high sex drive so the drop in that was a shock. To both of us. But the tin hat was having the most awful flushes that would knock me for six. 20-30 times a day and through the night my arm was like a windscreen wiper taking the duvet on and off (I can't stand being cold either). Getting hot makes the fatigue so much worse so most days I have literally been too exhausted to move in between flushes.

    I have a neuro condition similar to MS and along with the lack of libido, I'm now also starting to have trouble feeling and getting to orgasm - completely new to me as my Tango on the lowest setting would get me off in under a minute (not a stealth boast, honest!).

    All this sent me to the GP who sent me to a gynaecologist who has prescribed HRT patches. These have been a godsend. My libido is back and my physical and mental health is so much better. I NEVER thought I'd go the HRT route, especially after all the bad press years ago about cancer.

    However, in a chance conversation with a lovely lady doctor at my local GUM clinic I learned that she had been of the same opinion as me and had suffered through 12 years of menopausal symptoms, trying the non-medical route with herbs etc. Nothing had worked for her and she said she is now kicking herself for suffering so long as she'd been to a medical symposium last autumn and heard the new evidence for HRT - particularly as if started early in menopause, it protects the heart.

    I thought for a few weeks after this chat and decided that as heart disease is fairly strong in my family, I'd take my chances against cancer and start taking it. After all, I have a better chance at beating cancer with regular screening than I have at beating a heart attack that I'm not regularly screened for.

    Also, with my condition, I'm not likely to live as long as the average woman so I'm going to try to live it a bit happier by using HRT. I feel SO MUCH better it's literally like I'm a new woman.

    So what I'm trying to say to the OP is could a fifth option help? Maybe your wife isn't happy with the way menopause has affected her and maybe you could both seek out help for her. My GP knew virtually nothing about HRT as not many women use it after the bad press over a decade ago, hence I was sent on to a specialist.

    I do think that GPs now need to read the updated NICE guidelines about HRT and stop prescribing anti-depressants for menopause (I was initially prescribed these and they just numbed me, killing what little libido and ability to orgasm completely). Menopause is a hormonal condition and needs to be treated as such, not as a mental illness. Yes, I was less of a bitch, but I was then just a zombie.

    I think its extremely important that women get help, support and medication for menopause as it doesn't just affect them. It has a huge knock-on effect on the husband/partner, family and work. If a woman can sail through without help, she's very lucky, but if not, help should be there for her and her family. I know women who have driven their husbands away despite deeply loving them and it shouldn't be happening. It's very sad.

    I'm glad OP that you're getting around it, but I hope that at some point in the future your wife gets her groove back and you can get back to a mutually satisfying sex life.

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