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Need advice on spicing up our sex lifes.15243903781402397721Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 10:55 am
First time posting somewhere like this, I purchased a toy for my partner the other week and came across these forums. Nice to meet you all.
I need some advice from you experienced people, about spicing up our relationship.
I'm a 26 year old guy in a 5 year relationship with my partner and we live together in our own flat. There is nothing wrong with our sex lives in the sense that there actually is one, but I find myself wanting alot more from it but struggle to bring it up.
She is quite a quiet girl when it comes to bedroom times, when I lived with my parents we were more or less fooling around every other night but as the years have gone by her work has got in the way alot, now we have sex at most once a week at the weekend and sometimes even that is missed.
I've tried bringing up the subject of our sex lifes previously and I think she has aswell, we both really struggle talking about it. I tend to come in from a night out with the lads pretty "over confident" we have some amazing session where she comes 3-4 times and me not at all and I bring it up that I want this to happen more often, I even told her I wanted to get her a toy which we had discussed previously, she was nervous but she had previously suggested trying something like that so I said I'll just buy one and we can go from there.
When it comes to sex I am always being the dominant one she prefers missionary and rarely takes control sometimes she'll get on top and sometimes I'll try changing the position but she prefers to make love so that we are always kissing or face to face which is fine with me but sometimes in the heat of things you just want to go all out, I tend not to, especially with her i've hurt her in the past and do not want to ever cause her pain. In my previous relationships to which I admit I was young my partners always enjoyed getting more and more fruity and trying new things but with the woman I love I cannot show her how much I am attracted to her, and want her, and want to please her. She was a virgin before I met her and admits to never masturbating (unless shes with me) to which I believe is true.
Our sex lifes now tend to be either her waking me up at the weekend for some fun, me attempting to initiate at the weekend and being successful. Its not like I dont try to initiate it at other times. I'm constantly in the mood for her, especially when shes had a hard day at work and I know I can make her feel better, even if its all about her. We are a very loving couple we always hug and kiss and tell each other we love each other every day, but when it comes down to it sex isnt happening as much as I want it too. That may sound greedy but I am a highly sexualized guy, up for anything and willing to try anything new, but I just want to have more fun with the girl I love.
I bought a vibrating dildo the other day from here which took me to these forums. It arrived last saturday morning mid sex to which I had to answer the door (knew it was that and didnt want it going to the neighbour) She was no longer in the mood after that we got the toy out and had a giggle at it, I tryed it out on her clit but that was it and it was put away (for another day I hope)
We used to have alot more fun, we were younger but she would often dress up for me when we first met and we would always fool around at least 3-4 times a week but now its just like we have sex to "meet the requirements"
What can I do to change things and make our love life spicier and more frequent?
Or am I just being greedy and trying to hard..
Some advice would really help people.
Thanks for reading.1402400128Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 11:35 amRon Burgundy
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That's life buddy. It's only natural that things taper off in the bedroom as a relationship progresses. Your stuck in a little rut, that's all. Life gets in the way sometimes. You're in the right place to address it though cause this forum is full of great people willing to help.
They're are people on here far more knowledgable than me, but If I can suggest one toy to start it would be a bullet vibrator. Something from the rocks off range was a great starting point for us as they are fun and not at all intimidating. It completely transformed our sex life and led to other, more adventurous purchases. Best of luck.1402401896Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 12:04 pm
Thanks for the reply Ron.
Yeah I think I went too big too early, I mean its not massive but I think it might be intimidating to her, I was thinking bullet vibrator to begin with but then tried to get an all in one, guess you live and learn I might buy a bullet soon. Though I dont want to start bombarding her with sex toys, I'll give it time to see if she comes around to the idea. She hasn't said no or anything to it yet so it might still be a winner, we'll see this weekend I guess.
I kinda hoped she would start using it herself, make herself more horny more often but its still early stages.
This is only one way i've tried to spice things up if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear em.1402402707Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 12:18 pmCowboy81
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It sounds like you are right on track. You are entering the phase of life and the relationship where you become comfortable with each other and yourselves. As funny as that sounds you will find times you struggle to realize what it is you actually want - including out of your own sex life.
First, to the toys - buys (as you noted) small items of differnt kinds every so often and just use them together. MRS never really does solo but LOVES the way I use toys on her. And, after a bit of confidence building, she enjoys performing for me. This was as much work for me to get her to relax and feel secure as it is fun now!!!
Second, keep chatting about it. During sex, ask her questions: " do you like this more... or this"
Another nice way to break the rut and push past a bit of awkwardness - get a game (dice, cards, or board game) to kind of make you say or ask the things you are BOTH wondering but a bit uncertain of how to communicate.
You will both go through phases where your drives are higher and lower. It is normal, what makes or breaks it is beign able to communicate (the corner stone of a relationship)
~CB1402406122Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 1:15 pm
I'll try that out, we both struggle to talk about sex during or after or anytime though being more confident that her I usually have to get the ball rolling which is fine but she still struggles to talk about what she likes or wants to try. For example I imagine if she knew I was posting on a forum about our sex life she would be mortified. But sometimes you just gotta ask for advice or you'll change nothing. I will try talking with her more and making her relax more when it comes to bedroom time.
I would love to hear a womans perspective of this, if they have ever been the one who is in my OH boots or similar?
Thanks again for the reply guys.1402410476Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 2:27 pmsubbysam
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When i was with my ex i found that when we didnt have sex for a while, for whatever reason, my sex drive went, we slept in the same bed and i never wanted to masterbate in front of him but then my sex drive just went lower and lower the longer i went without.
I think that if you could encourage her to masterbate more, even if alone if thats how she feels more comfortable, it may increase her sex drive. Also if she was to masterbate more she might find herself fantasising and hence come to you and ask for a hand in those fantasies?
Also if it was me i would try having a few drinks with her and then coming to a site like this, not necessarily with an immediate serious intent to buy, but just maybe get a bit tipsy and try saying something like "The other day i heard about this and ended up on a sex toy site, you wouldn't believe what is on there, look" then possibly by looking at toys and things over those few drinks, she might open up a little about anything that she might actually like to try.
Finally with my ex i used to find it a big turnoff when he used to ask for sex, for no other reason than he used to sound a little like he was begging for it, without due reason. Instead of saying "please can we have sex tonight" it would have been much better if he had said, "wow you look hot tonight, i can't stop thinking about whats under that top" or whatever and started a little gentle touching or something to see where the mood went rather than asking if i wanted sex out of the blue.
no idea if any of that is relevant/useful to your situation, but good luck.1402411279Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 2:41 pmpinkanimal
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With us it was the longer together the more we experimented!
9 years this year and our sex life was better than ever. It's taken a dive bomb at the moment due to medical issues with me it once I have my operation I'll be back to horny normality.1402411516Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 2:45 pm
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Hi NTKY, if you hunt through the threads in the search space bar at the top of the page there are hundreds of threads with a similar theme. It's miss matched sex drives or confidence issues nearly all come down to one thing communication.
I am a very lucky guy after 25 years of marriage we have nearly cracked it . Never stop communicating. Your honeymoon period is over you now trust each other and sex should just happen. I am afraid it doesn't work like that. Like everything that is any good it takes time and planning.
You are the more confident and dominant one in your relationship you have to take the lead.and start talking to her about how you feel about her, reassure her that is all about her wanting to share all your passion and desire with her. You have to be carefully not to undermine her confidence. My wife still occasionally thinks, am I boring in bed or he's not happy with me. Spend time to make sure she knows this is not the case and go back sometimes and repeat it.
Basically you have to overcome her and your embarrassment of talking about your love life. One other way is to take time to write her a letter but remember to make sure she knows categorical there is nothing wrong you just want both of you to get as much as possible out of your love life.
Finally well done for posting here and asking. What is amazing is all the wonderful people bere in all walks of life young ,old single ,married , gay, bi, virgins and experienced all give amazing advice without being judgmental in any way. I am sure a lot of the woman will help you too. Good luck and please keep posting1402412702Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 3:05 pmPetiteJess
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I agree with others to get a bullet vibrator as it is less intimidating, also have you considered getting your girlfriend some erotic novels? They may help you and you’re girlfriend in exploring new avenues.
I also agree with subbysam also, I love sex but my ex use to demand it in a way like he was begging and it was a huge turn off for me too.1402413129Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 3:12 pmsubbysam
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Oh it also worked well for me when one week i had full control of our sex lives. I hadnt been in the mood when he had been asking for a while, so he said to me that for a week, he wouldn't ask for sex, he wouldn't ask if i was horny or whatever, and he wouldn't hold it against me if i never said i wanted sex, or if i said i wanted lots of sex.
It worked quite well because he never felt rejected as he wasn't asking which made him feel better, and it stopped me feeling bad for rejecting him when i wasn't up for it.
you could do something like that and then discuss at the end of the week why you had so much/little sex depending how it turned out.1402413855Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 3:24 pmFluffbags
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Your story is not uncommon. In fact this is more normal in long term relationships than the other way around (getting more and more experimental and more "needy" as time goes on) So it would seem anyway. I have no proof, but so many people mention this scenario playing out in their relationships that it seems to be the norm.
There is a good reason for that. At first you cannot keep your hands off each other, in a stage of lust. You are not living together and that degree of seperation keeps your drive up, anticipating the next time you will be together. Its new, exciting and fresh. This is the stage where we just cannot get enough of the other.
Then time goes on and we fall in love, we learn more and more about each other (The myteries slowly vanish) we become content and comfortable, happy but this is a deeper and different stage of love. We still lust after our partners, but slowly life comes back into the focus, with things like careers, children and other committments filling our time and taking our energies.
It can be hard to keep up that intense and heated level of lust that we have at the beginning. It is not impossible. I have been with my guy for over 4 years now and am highly sexed too and yeah, I still feel that wanting, lusting just as much as I did at the start. Just like Pink Animal, we get more adventurous as time goes on and I am very lucky to have found someone who seems as interested as I am. However, even we have been through blips of time where things just lulled, or dropped and it was like "omg - is the honeymoon period over?" lol It came back.
But it only comes back with a fiery passion if both people involved are prepared to put in a little work. Real life is not like the movies. We have to keep fueling our fires of lust and love. This is one important point to remember. In long term relationships, we tend to take our partners for granted more. Not on purpose, just because everything is so familiar and we fall into routines.
Think back to the beginnings, when you used to have to sneak around at parents houses, grab every moment, it was hot, spontaneous etc. Then sex becomes a routine. In your case, it is expected on the weekends (The fact both of you initiate and want it says a huge amount. She is still interested and still wants sex with you of course) The problem is breaking these little habits.
The habits need to be broken for sex to be spontaneous or different and again I refer back to my point about you both needing to be on board with possible changes. If she is perfectly happy with sex on a saturday and doesnt want for more, then it would obviously be harder for you to make any spontaneous changes.
Now, from what I understood from your post, the nights you come home drunk and over confident, you give your woman multiple orgasms. Also, it seems when you do initiate sex at the weekend, she wants it. I don't know about anyone else but this SCREAMS volumes at me. Your woman is massively turned on, by a confident guy who comes in, takes the reins and "goes for it" (as you put it) If she is having multiple orgasms when you are in this confident mode, it seems she likes having you in control and making the moves.
Now the trick is to learn how to do this when sober. Communicating about sex can be tough, especially when it is not something you have done before and yes, opening yourself up like this leaves you vulnerable and open to negativity, but you know the old saying "Don't ask, don't get" right? and the million others that basically say that you have to take a risk, jump into the fire, because it is rare for your dreams or desires to just fall into your lap.
It is tough, but just reading what you said about your lady and your relationship, I do not think you are with a woman who does not want sex, I think you are with a woman who is inexperienced, which naturally will make her feel very uncomfortable about coming forward confidently. It could even be that she is not sure what she wants yet. Seriously, I have been sexually active for the past 15 years and highly sexed at that and I am STILL learning things about my sexuality. I think this lady would actually be relieved and secure in you taking the lead, leading her places, slowly and gently, but together.
I honestly do suggest finding the courage to lay yourself open and to talk. If I have learned anything from my past 15 years, it's that communicating is one of the most important things you can do to take your sex life from meh to oh yeah! I have been with a few partners who felt very shy about discussing sex, embarrassed about certain things, but because I am so open, including dicussing those embarrassing aspects, I have noticed my partners become more and more open. They followed my lead and hey, if I am not embarrassed to discuss all this, if I am not shy about talking about all of these issues, then why should they be...and they blossom. Its a partnership, but someone has to get the ball rolling.
If you feel like it is just too much to discuss at first, try writing each other letters. You could either write a big letter explaining everything you think and feel, or you could turn it into a game (Hey, lets write down ten things we wish we could experience during sex or "Lets write down 5 things that we don't like during sex) you could even write each other about your top 3 favourite sessions together and why they felt so good (and in doing this, pick up those hints about what drives her wild...is there a theme you detect? You could even play a game of truths through text while you are at work, where you each take turns to ask the other questions relating to sex. (Have you ever, would you ever, do you like it when, how would you feel if, Whats your favourite, etc etc)
I seriously recommend finding a way to ease the pressure of communicating about sex, by finding a fun and entertaining way to do it (like above) rather than a very uncomfortable, serious chat. It will take the pressure off and being able to write it down gives you both a degree of seperation. I imagine you would find it much easier to reply to a letter or a text, than to sit in front of each other, staring at each others faces, struggling to answer the questions. Sex should be fun and so talking about sex should be fun too. If you can find a way to turn the chats from serious and uncomfortable,into a giggle fest, you will find you both opening up more and more. Top tip: people open up more if you are prepared to be vulnerable in front of them. If you are prepared to admit things that make you feel like turning red. If they feel you are comfortable putting yourself out like that, they are more likely to feel the same with you.
During the chats, listen. Really really listen. Not just to what she says, but to what she doesn't say! It is all important to figuring out what her hot buttons are, what she reeeeally craves and what turns her off. When you have this knowledge, you can build on it together and experiment. Never stop experimenting. Make her feel comfortable with experimenting by making it fun, making it a giggle (There is something very different between watching a partner look nervous, and oh so serious as he is fiddling between your legs, like he is diffusing a bomb, and someone who is just a lot more relaxed, smiling, communicating and enjoying himself too) Confidence is very sexy, but it only comes with communication and feeling comfortable with one another. If you try to change your mindset slightly and accept sex is fun and natural, it might help you get over that initial bump of communicating and if you start slowly and build up gradually, I have no doubts your partner will also open up to this, because you make it seem fun and natural.
There are many things I find sexy in a guy, it might be different for your partner, but confidence (not arrogance - there is a line) is sexy, as is humour and someone who is relaxed and enjoying themselves. I also love intensity and by this I mean everything from the look in his eyes, to his noises, to the way he moves. The more turned on he is, the more I am. So maybe just letting go is what your lady wants. To see her man so overcome with lust he just wants her..NOW!
Anyway, shutting up now. Turning into a ramble. Good luck though!1402414101Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 3:28 pmJazzam
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Nicetoknowyou, first of all I want to say that it sounds to me like you are a fantastic partner and I wish you the best in your future together =D
I think it is important to remember that sometimes life does get in the way, and even though you are young still, you would be suprised how much more tired she may be after work now than 5 years ago.
That said, the sure fire way to get her more in the mood is normally treat her, make her feel beautiful. Buy her a nice new top or a pair of shoes (always a surefire way to a womans heart lol)
Have her relax and unwind after work by cooking her dinner and then running her a nice bath. But most importantly when you do nice things for her don't make it obvious that part of your goal is more sex.
Your goal should be to make her feel confident and loved, then in time, remind her that she is loved in the bedroom too!
Also, get her reading things & thinking about things, even if it's just joking around saying "Oh I read pineapple makes cum taste better" - plant the seed in her brain and let her gradually build up and think more about it x1402421192Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 5:26 pm
Wow some of these tips are excellent, I'm so glad I posted here and asked for advice. Thank you everyone for your input.
I'm definately going to try be more confident, im not the most confident person in the world but if there is anyone in the world I am most confident with it is her.
Mostly I want to do this to make her happier obviously I gain from it too but there is nothing more I want to do when she's had a hard day at work is to smile and forget about it. I cook every night for her and we relax in front of telly and I even cuddle up with her in bed for an hour before she sleeps even if i'm not tired. But I know how much sex can relieve tension, I want her to go to work the next day with a smile on her face. I'm not talking about just sex, massages and 'making out' foreplay etc are all reserved for the weekend and i've definately gone a few weeks if not longer waiting for her to make a move before which is stressful. Obviously as a bloke I masturbate but I know she doesn't ever, hell if I didnt I think I would go nuts so I look for ways the best I can to make her happy I know some woman are just not into gratifying themselves which is fine I am happy to assist but it difficult to say especially to the woman you love "You've had a hard day, let me go down you / let me give you a massage ETC.." I also desperately want her to take the reins every now and again.
Again this is the reason I bought her something she can play with, with or without me and hopefully allow her to explore what she likely missed through her teenage years and with only ever having one sexual partner (not saying I wanted her to have more just I know what she missed)
Anyway thank you all for your reply's I will definately be trying some of this out.1402431841Posted 10 Jun 2014 at 8:24 pm
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NTKY, my wife says she never masturbated before she met me. It took he a couple of years to pluck up the courage to put on a show and masterbate for me to watch. It was amazing and she did orgasm, she has always said that half the thrill was knowing I wanted her to and that I was watching. She has done this many times since and has even allowed me to video her.
Part of her answer to me was that ever since she was sexually active( 3 partners before me)Very short relationships she had never needed too. She certainly with me having a much higher sex drive would dream of masturbating.
Another issue was her mum brought her up to believe sex was dirty and so was what she had between her legs. I have really enjoyed helping my wife find herself sexually.
Still though it is all about communication. You must talk break down the barrier's. My wife really struggled with it, so I tried to get her embarrassment to turn to titillation. Try to make it part of our foreplay or edging.