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  1. How to encourage him to be less vanilla?

    StillettoLady [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 20 Apr 2014

    Hi all,
    I am new here so bear with me!

    I've had a hankering to dabble in rough sex / BDSM with my OH for quite some time.

    I was introduced to it by a previous partner but my current OH is very traditional in his views. I have given him gifts of choc body paint, satin ties, sex games, etc. to try to encourage him without scaring him.

    We have discussed our fantasies, etc. but this hasn't changed anything. The thought of kissing me with tongues doesn't appeal to him (he says it's weird) so him going down on me is a no go... :( He still enjoys BJs though!

    My sex drive is very high whereas his is much lower. This has caused issues on occasions.

    Recently I've managed to get him to pinch my nipples really hard (which I enjoy) but I think he thinks it's odd that I enjoy pain.

    I want him to pull my hair, dominate & spank me!

    Any advice please? I do love him - we just need more spark!

    IrishRose [sign in to see picture]
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    communication is most important sit him down and talk about what you want and see if you can sort something out

    Naked_butler [sign in to see picture]
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    He doesnt give you head???


    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    Hi Stiletto Lady, don't give up, communication is the key. If at first you don't succeed try try again. Write him a love letter reassure him how much you love him & want him but your needs are for more of him in kinky ways. Be sure too explain its him you are wanting to do these things to you that are driving you wild with lust for him. Good luck and welcome to the forums.

    mysterio [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 13 May 2014

    I am sorry to say but these are the things which comes naturally to someone. Its all about consideration. Now he knows that its his responsibility to take care of his partner but from what i can read he is more bothered about himself.

    I havent met anyone who says tongue kissing is weird as that is something which bring you closer than anything else. Now its alright for you go down down but not for him? Noe he can say no to your needs but he doesnt mind you going down on him. Seems like one rule for you and different for him. If he is that vanilla than he should have said no to you going down on him as well.

    In my experience there are two things which break a relationship. Lack of sex and lack of money. No matter how much you love someone but these things does matter in a relationship and soon or later they start to bug you.

    All i can advice is to show him some porn and see his reaction. The more someone watches something the more he/she think about it and more appealing it gets.

    If things doesnt change for you in the near future than they might not even in the longer term.

    You would have two choices later on whether to live with the way you living right now or take matters into your hand and decide your future.

    You can try talking to him as well but it seems like he is oblivious to your sexual needs. If i can put it in numbers than your sexual needs might be 9/10 where as his would be around 2/10.

    I am sorry if i sound a bit harsh but i am being honest here and i do appologize if i upset you or anyone with my comments as i did not mean to upset anyone.

    StillettoLady [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 20 Apr 2014

    Thank you everyone.

    I have spoken with him at length and feel we may be getting somewhere. I think I just have to persevere until he feels ready.

    His birthday is coming up soon so was thinking of taking him away for the weekend & giving him a LH voucher so he can experiment with a little kink but on his terms.

    Watch this space!

    kayliixx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 8 Apr 2014

    I agree with mysterio, why should he enjoy something and not be willing to return the favour? If I was with someone who didnt want to go down on me that would be ok, but not if they wanted me to go down on them. As far as I'm concerned you give and take xx

    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 1 May 2012

    Wow....there's lots of people that come on mentioning an imbalance but he doesn't even want to kiss with tongues?!

    Bad news is I think Mysterio is assuming the worst but possibly not far off. If you really care about him though and are happy outside the bedroom then is worth being sure you've tried everything.

    I think the biggest reasons needn't don't go for variety in sex are laziness or nerves. Which it is will possibly depend on his history, age, and how things have been up until now.

    If it's laziness he needs to realise outs important to you and (long term) find reason to care more about your pleasure than he currently does. Hopefully once started he'll continue because he likes the results he can get, seeing you enjoying yourself immensely and being the cause. S hort term he may need some reward or trade. If he wants you to wear something sexy then give him a mind blowing blow he best be prepared to go down on you for a bit first! I really don't think a long term arrangement of that is healthy though, he needs to learn to enjoy making you happy.

    If it's nerves it could take lots of small steps and encouragement. Men can be crippled by nerves, either from lack of confidence in ability, thinking they'll come too soon, fear they'll hurt you Or that they'll do something wrong and you'll be horribly disgusted! Best initial approach is go for a small step (the kissing thing our going down on you) and talk in a neutral setting (ie not while naked) about how it feels and why you want it. If he tries, make plenty of encouraging responses so he knows you're enjoying it. Build him up slow.

    Might sound like you're training a dumb animal but if he's this awkward then you kinda are ;)

    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you tried getting him to read an erotic novel? Or maybe reading one together? My OH was really vanilla at one point and he just isn't anymore which is fab! I found him opening up more was because we read some erotic novels together and talked about them, it got him to open up about his desires unknowingly because he was talking about bits he did and didn't like from the books. I've also found that letting him know what I like - In detail - has helped him open up! Now he does stuff and wants things that I haven't even suggested -yet- Which is great.

    GL! x

    KinkyFuckery [sign in to see picture]
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    Tried sexting maybe , when I meet my current partner he kknew about kinky things but never experience anything , when we got together and started talking we sext but also one night on a date night I handed a gift bag told him to not open it until I had gone. Inside was a selection of toys out my toy box with a guide of each one & what I liked about it but also what I liked him to do with it , gave us a safe word which I written to him . Telling him too trust himself as I trust him and its about experiencing the kink together trial and error have fun & enjoy it & I will leave it up to him to arrange a kink night on his ground.

    The next date he planned a wonderful kink night I gave him a selection of 10 things and I think he used about 2 or 3 of them didn't expect him to use them all . It was a starting point for him to explore the kink world on his terms and since then his confidence has grown and he will quiet happy raid the toy box and plan whatever he wants.

    Baby steps dont push it take it slow its worth it in the end .

    subbysam [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
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    I found with my now ex (for unrelated reasons) , the trick was asking him WHY he didnt want the kinky side of sex, was it purely a lack of arousal or was it fear etc.

    i found out he thought he couldnt have a BDSM style relationship as he didnt think he could respect me still, if i was to be his submissive, this just took education to overcome- erotic stories BDSM pages and the like.

    I just think you should ask if the other half can explain why he isnt interested, if he knows, and maybe he just has some massive misconceptions that stop him being willing to try out things you like.

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