sexlife stuck in a rut

Thanks for replys all lots of food for thought thankyou

I think I might suggest reading a book together

Am stuck in same situation but have been doing what I can around the house to ease the load and making her feel special and have also been suggesting for her masterbate during the day but she got all embaraced and said that the last time she did was 3 years ago when twins were born so was just wondering how u went about the conversation without getting a slap or hurting her feelings

rugbybloke wrote:

I also have a question surrounding masturbation id like to ask but it may make me sound v selfish.

What is your question?

StHubbins wrote:

Exactly the same boat, but we're coming out of it.

Most important thing is talking because it has to be solved by both of you. You need to find out why her libido has gone.

With us it was a combination:

1) She felt unattractive. This took a lot of persuading that I find her attractive even though my wife isn't fat by any means. Me finding her attractive was only the first step though and so diet and exercise was required. This is really tricky because if I suggested diet and/or exercise she took it to mean that I thought she was fat. What worked for us was the 5:2 diet which I can also do for the health benefits. Also I want to get fitter for surfing and snowboarding so we're both on a fitness regime. The approach that worked was "I want to do X because I want to be fitter/healthier, do you want to do it with me?"

2) Day to day stress. Remove as much stress as possible. Do the washing up/tidy/whatever so that once the kids are in bed she can truly relax.

3) Tiredness. Let her have lie-ins at the weekend. That way there's no rush for sleep on Friday and Saturday night.

4) Affection. She'd started to think that if I showed her affection, I wanted sex. Lots more non-sexual affection.

5) Lack of "us time". You've said this is difficult, but we share babysitting duties with other parents. Also we have date nights at home with a take away (saves washing up), no TV and chat and play (non sexual) games. On a date night don't expect sex. Let her make the moves and if it doesn't happen it will still reap benefits in the long term. If you possibly can try to arrange a weekend away for the two of you. We do this about once a year and it reminds us what it was like before kids.

6) Monthly cycle. This has had an increasing effect after kids. The week before her period there's no chance of sex. The two weeks after there's a much higher chance. Don't make any advances in the unlikely weeks, but keep up all romance affection etc. etc.

7) Romance. Gifts, flowers, compliments, etc. all make her feel better.

8) Other factors. If I hadn't had a shower or shave; if I was wearing underwear she didn't like; if the bedroom was untidy or the bed wasn't made. I try to remove any factor that gets her out of a sexy mood.

This is just the things that apply to us and you might well have a completely different set. The key thing is not to expect sex. Do all the things and avoid pestering because pestering ruins all the good work.

A big plus is that things are improving for us.As our affection levels have increased, and she's getting fitter and more body confident, her libido is going up and up.

Excellent tips here! I couldn't have said it better myself!.

We're currently doing the 30 Day Shred exercise routine which means she aches all the time. This means that sex is off the cards, but I'm really hoping that all the aching will pay off and if she feels fitter and drops a dress size then there will be long term gains.

wildflower wrote:

How does she feel about her own body? If she has body confidence issues it might be that she feels self conscious in other positions. It can be hard to relax and let go if you don't feel attractive in certain positions

Is the oral problem that she does't like to do it to you or does't like it done to her?.

Very valid points here!

First of all it's very positive that you care enough to share this with LH readers to seek a solution, and there is some great advice here so far.

As StHubbins says you need to find out what her needs are. You've said when you have sex it's all about her, however if it was all about her and she was really happy she would be wanting more. Something is not working for her right now and it's just a matter of finding out what and putting her needs above your own for now.

Does she enjoy you giving her oral sex? Not all women like it, and as Wildflower says some women have body hang ups that don't allow them to relax to enjoy oral sex fully.

Is she a working Mum? If so that can put a lot of strain on a marriage/relationship as often Mum's don't stop running about whether it's work or kids, so she may find it difficult to switch off and relax.

If she's wanting to avoid sex then being told she's sexy may not be what she wants to hear, she may find it irritating.

You've said you have discussed things with her and 'talked to her loads' - what did she say? This is where you want to be doing more listening than talking.

However pick your moment for discussing such matters, don't have this conversation when you are wanting sex, it needs to be when you are both 100% relaxed, with no distractions and when you are expecting nothing from her but open communication.

When a partner make the focus on what they want from the other person it can cause friction especially if the other person doesn't feel they are getting what they want. Expressing sexual needs is a very touchy subject (excuse the pun) and needs to be handled delicately. Both parties need to be willing to compromise.

For example...

1. Start with complimenting her - How about a compliment that is a positive way she makes you feel?

2. Tell her you love her

3. I'd love to spend more time being intimate with you, what can I do that would allow you to enjoy more intimacy? ** You may find the answers she gives in StHubbins list**

4. Why it's important - It's important to me because I need to feel connected to you. I love you and I want our marriage to work and for us both to be happy.

Let us know how you get on :)

I'd say it's completely normal to go through peaks and troughs in your relationship and sex life, most couples are't swinging from the chandelies every night especially if you have a young family as there's no privacy, kids get jelous of your closeness and little children are exhausting.

It does get better as they her older and you have more time and energy. it does require effort from both of you but don't expect too much too soon.

Her hormone levels may be starting to decline as she heads into peri menopause and this can cause libido problems. Unfortunatley it can take years to get through meno and it can start younger than most people realise!

you should establish that she still fancies you and if it is that she just doesn't feel like sex for the time being, try and come to a compromise, she will want to have some sort of closeness with you!

i did have a low libido for a while, due to meno, but ok now!!!!

apologies as you will think she is to young, my hubby thought I was when it all started and had no understanding at all, it was a sad time!!