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  1. Do you prefer being the Dom or Sub?

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    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    sublimelonglegs wrote:

    Evening Lubyanka,

    Sorry, in a rush, just had to respond to your usual perceptive advice.

    Hope you are well,

    Legs xx

    Good evening Legs, how nice to see you. Happy procrastinating! :p

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    shellyboo wrote:

    I'm a sub to my very core. I'm a very bossy person in day-to-day life, but it doesn't carry over to the bedroom - in bed I just want to be taken charge of!

    This is totally me too. But I do like variety for the spice as well.

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    Lubyanka wrote:

    I only ever enjoy being the top, so when anybody asks which I like best I always say that I'm a top.

    It's funny, I have never said, nor have I ever heard any other top say anything like "I'd love to be submitted to", and yet all the time I come across people saying "I'd love to be dominated".

    I wonder what's up with that. Any ideas, anybody?

    That funny now coz I'd never say top/bottom, but I would say I like being dominated.

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    OperationFilth [sign in to see picture]
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    shellyboo wrote:

    I'm a sub to my very core. I'm a very bossy person in day-to-day life, but it doesn't carry over to the bedroom - in bed I just want to be taken charge of!

    Ditto, very much so...

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    dai [sign in to see picture]
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    being a dom and into bondage and all sorts the feeling of taking control is awesome, but i have tried being a sub and have to say loved every minute of it, even after many years of solo anal play i got pegged for the first time and have to say, wow, cant get enough of it and even looking for better add ons for the strap on to make it a far more enjoyable experience than the smooth dildo that was used the first time.

    bring on the ripples and ridges

    dai

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    cj1972 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm a sub, I've been submissive in every relationship I have ever had (as in being on the recieving end and the man always taking control) and I will never top for anyone because I woud hate it - it goes against my nature and everything that makes me happy, I'm a sub through and through, love being the woman who worships and pleases the man, its the way I am and I'm too happy that way to ever want to try being dominant - Plus I love to worship and adore when I'm in love so that comes out in me even more, it can be so much fun! I'm a sub and happy to be


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    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
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    Lubyanka wrote:

    I only ever enjoy being the top, so when anybody asks which I like best I always say that I'm a top.

    It's funny, I have never said, nor have I ever heard any other top say anything like "I'd love to be submitted to", and yet all the time I come across people saying "I'd love to be dominated".

    I wonder what's up with that. Any ideas, anybody?

    Lubyanka, do you reckon it's the very mindset of being sub as opposed to being a top? I mean, the whole submissive ethos is about having things done to you, it's not something you perform or enact really... whereas I'd imagine that topping IS something you enact or action within yourself.

    I dunno, it's hard to explain... I think it's tied up with the mindset and the innate language we use to express concepts.


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    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    shellyboo wrote:

    Lubyanka wrote:

    It's funny, I have never said, nor have I ever heard any other top say anything like "I'd love to be submitted to", and yet all the time I come across people saying "I'd love to be dominated".

    I wonder what's up with that. Any ideas, anybody?

    Lubyanka, do you reckon it's the very mindset of being sub as opposed to being a top? I mean, the whole submissive ethos is about having things done to you, it's not something you perform or enact really... whereas I'd imagine that topping IS something you enact or action within yourself.

    I dunno, it's hard to explain... I think it's tied up with the mindset and the innate language we use to express concepts.


    That's interesting shellyboo, and I have considered your point, it does make a lot of sense. The place it falls down for me is that I'm quite a "do me!" top, in that I really enjoy (consensually) bossing my bottoms about, you know, bring me this, do that for me, and so on. I definitely feel at least in my case that being the top is every bit about being done to or for, as the bottom. And yet the phrase "I want to be submitted to" sounds and feels strange to me and I wouldn't say it. And that must be true for a lot of others because I've never seen or heard that phrase anywhere, even from other tops who are otherwise very much "do me!" as well.

    Having said that, I have both said and encountered the phrase "I want to be served", but way less often than "I want to be dominated".

    That phrase about wanting to be dominated really bothers me in some fundamental way. I think it's something to do with wanting to feel something and phrasing it in a way which puts responsibility for that on others, in this case the top. I feel much more comfortable hearing "I want to submit" or "I want to serve" because that's the person owning their desires and taking responsibility for them. So I'm quite interested in why "I want to be dominated" is so much more popular than "I want to submit" or similar.

    I agree, it's a tricky one to pin down. I'm really interested in other peoples' perspectives on this, so I appreciate your input. :)

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    miss fortune [sign in to see picture]
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    Lubyanka, I like my OH to take control and be charge. So saying I submit seems bit strange as it implies (to me anyway) that I go along with what pleases him (such as blow jobs, etc) while saying I like being dominated implies (again my opinion) that he has the control to please me or himself to pick how and where we have sex (like cuffing me to the bed while he feels my body, etc). Both sound very alike I know but its the subtle things like Shelly Boo said its the mindset. Also saying Submit makes me feel like I don't want to do it. Like fighting with your OH then submitting even though you think you're right.

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    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
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    Lubyanka wrote:


    That phrase about wanting to be dominated really bothers me in some fundamental way. I think it's something to do with wanting to feel something and phrasing it in a way which puts responsibility for that on others, in this case the top. I feel much more comfortable hearing "I want to submit" or "I want to serve" because that's the person owning their desires and taking responsibility for them. So I'm quite interested in why "I want to be dominated" is so much more popular than "I want to submit" or similar.

    I get that, and at times it bothers me too... that my whole sexuality is tied up in NOT being in control. That's a pretty freaky thought at times, and it does bother me on a fundamental level at times. It contravenes everything I think about myself as a person - that I'm strong, indepdendent, and in control of my life. However, when it comes to sex, I want to hand that control over to someone else and... well, be dominated!

    I would say though, that it's not a conscious thing... like you say, wanting something but "phrasing it in a way which puts responsibility for that on others"... I wouldn't do that if it didn't feel better and more natural for me to do that.

    I'd also say that I do take responsibilty for my own pleasure by ASKING to be dominated to begin with, and seeking out partners who can fulfil that role for me. If I was with a vanilla partner and not participating in D/s play, that wouldn't be me taking responsibility for my own pleasure - I would be denying myself.

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    secretseductress [sign in to see picture]
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    i prefer to be dominated :)

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    Seren [sign in to see picture]
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    Strong men turn me on, so I really cant take the dominant role myself. I am the sub in our relationship and I love it.

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    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
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    Def the sub

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Just for you Lubyanka:

    "I'd love to be submitted to." (not said to you! Just said, You'd scare me!)

    Personally Its not something I ever say because if I'm in control I know what I want and would be more specific. If I want someone to submit then I say specific actions. Suck this, do that etc. That's because I'm in charge. If I'm being dominated, then naturally its not upto you to decide to do the specific act, its up to the dom! So...

    I might love to be dominated so I'd say use me. If I felt like being in charge then it becomes almost an order. I know I've heard lads say I'd love to..... (describe a dominant sex act)....... To me I guess theres not as much room to be vague when being dominant.

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    My girlfriends abit like that. She only doms sometimes for me and is very polite when telling me what to do!

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    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    Just for you Lubyanka:

    "I'd love to be submitted to." (not said to you! Just said, You'd scare me!)

    I might love to be dominated so I'd say use me. If I felt like being in charge then it becomes almost an order. I know I've heard lads say I'd love to..... (describe a dominant sex act)....... To me I guess theres not as much room to be vague when being dominant.

    WandA, you smooth talker you, I'd scare you, really, promise? :D

    You could possibly right about the vague vs specific and bottom vs top. There's something that niggles at me about that idea, as much as it makes sense to me it also sounds, I don't know, not quite right or something. I mean, I am a top so I top regardless, and part of what works for me is taking whatever desires the bottom has and using those to work for me, so my specific topping activities are always designed around specific individuals. I don't really have much that I like to do regardless of the individual, except maybe flogging, but I tailor the flogging to each individual, and it doesn't matter to me if flogging doesn't work for them, I'm just as happy using something else.

    I think men in general are more specific because their sexual desires tend to have more specific focus than women but that's just my experience. I'm still considering this idea of "want to be dominated" and some top equivalent but haven't made much headway yet.

    Your input was interesting though, so thanks. And especially thanks for making me feel all scary, yum! :p

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    You would scare me, and I'm sorry but thats why it can never happen Lubyanka . Consent is such a big issue for you and I don't know if I could say no (through general scarediness). You would never know when yes meant no. I'm not sure on the legal standings either, whether consent would be implied from silence through a fear of flogging or a mumbled "yes, PLEASE don't hurt me *wimper wimper*!" is debatable and I'd rather not be in court as a victim in some sexual abuse scandel. Please do not be too disheartened Lubyanka!

    If I'm feeling really dom (for mostly vanilla me) I sometimes say:

    "I want to be pleasured." Or "Pleasure me".

    I'm not sure if I like it though. It sounds quite clinical to me so works in detaching the person just to 'serve' but reminds me of a cheap porno or a 1940's 'We carn't use real naughty words on screen yet' film.

    Oooo reminded myself I do sometimes say 'Serve'.

    "Serve me, Service me"

    OOO ANOTHER point. To be in charge, for me, it then becomes not about what I want but what I expect.. So...

    "I expect/demand...."

    Lots of random thought points together! (So probably lacks sense and meaning)

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    lickityclit [sign in to see picture]
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    I am definitely 100% submissive. Nothing turns me on more than a dominant man!

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    evey [sign in to see picture]
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    I love dominating. :D

    Interesting that there seem to be more subby than dommy people here. *strokes chin thoughtfully*

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    evey wrote:

    I love dominating. :D

    Interesting that there seem to be more subby than dommy people here. *strokes chin thoughtfully*

    Maybe there are more ladies here? Women tend to be more submissive I think.

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