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  1. Frustrated!!!!! HELP!

    BlindMonkey7 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 8
    • Joined: 6 Nov 2012

    I hope sombody can help me with good advice for this situation.

    I've found myself in a relationship (1 year and about 4 months) where we hardly ever have sex or anything else.

    I have let her know before about how frustrated I am and how much of a physical realtionship I want, but this seems to have got no where.
    I can appreciate and understand the fact that she may not be in to sex and what not but from conversations she says she is.

    I'm not sure if it's because she feels unexperienced and that I'm not going to be satified by what she does. She says she's never been interested in it before, but since she's met me, apparently it's become more of an interest... ...doesn't seem like it!

    I can't fault her when it comes to what she does and I keep telling her that in the hope that she'll gain some confidence and do it more often. The introduction to toy's and this website hasn't really helped either. She never initiates anything either which ephasizes the feeling that she never wants to do anything.

    From going to doing it every other day with previous partners to barly once every two months is killing me!!! As I've previously said I've mentioned to her about how much I want it on more than 4 occasions. I just can't seem to get through to her.

    Not wanting to force her into anything either I feel too pushy to bring the subject up again. I've even got to the point of giving up if you know what I mean, thats how much I want it.

    I can't fault her in everything else she does, she is the most perfect person I could ask for... except for the sex department.


    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 23 Jun 2012

    A couple of years ago i went off sex after i was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Before the birth of my first child my partner and i where having sex almost every day, even right up till the day before our daughter was born. then after her birth i didnt want touched, sex was a chore and i found myself trying everything to avoid it. it caused a lot of tension between my partner and i . he was so frustrated just like you are but for months i was selfish and didn't care. Eventually i pulled myself out of depression and between the two of us working hard at it we managed to get my libdo back. He blight me little treats and i started reading erotic novels which turned me on and made me want to try new things in bed.
    Have your tried giving her a massage or running her a bubble bath with candles etc. pamper her a little, make her feel special. For women sex is a psychological thing as well as a physical thing. I know it sounds corny but maybe bring her home a bunch a flowers every so often. Then when you make love tell her how much you love being so close to her etc. when my partner was attempting to get me to have more sex I felt I was just a sexual object to him but once he started bringing a little romance back into the relationship my mood softened and I started to relax more and feel more loved.

    Maybe ask her if she has any fantasies and tell her yours. Tell her the things you would love to do to her or the places you would love to have sex with her .

    If that still doesn't work I think you both need a big talk. Sit her down and explain to her how sex is such an important part of most relationships. Tell her you have a need to feel close and intimate with her. Ask her why she dosnt initiate sex. Explain to her that it makes you feel unwanted or like your pressurising her when you always have to make the first move.
    Does she have past experiences that have caused her to not want sex very often.?
    What ever you do take it slow.

    AddictedToSex [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 25 Jul 2013

    Hmm i can understand where your coming from with the whole idea of not wanting it to be you initiating it evertime, but maybe you just need to give her time.

    Try making it all about her, tease her and make her horny, have loads of foreplay where you're pleasuring her, give her oral etc, it may seem like shes getting it all, but it may "butter her up" so to speak so by the time your finished with her she will be dying to give you attention. Make her so horny she forgets all those insecurities!

    And one thing i will say is you can't think about "going from every day to once a month" she isn't your ex girlfriends, so you cant expect her to act like it, maybe she just doesn't like it as often as you? If thats the case then telling her she isnt giving you it often enough is just going to put her off. I know if my partner kept on telling me i wasn't doing it enough it wouldnt make me any more inclined to do so.

    BlindMonkey7 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 8
    • Joined: 6 Nov 2012

    Thanks both for your suggestions.

    Naughty nurse, I've tried the massage approach and doing everything for her during the night, making her dinner for when she gets home along with candles and a massage to top it off but still nothing. (Doesn't help her being a qualified sports therapist.) I havn't tried the flowers approach, I know she'd think somthing was wrong if I did that but I'll give it a go.
    When things do happen I do try to tell her how good it feels and also how much I love her. But it get's no where.
    As for the fantasies thought, I've told her a couple of mine to which her response was quite open. Apparently she has no fantasies or anything that she'd like to try. I don't know if that is literally as it sounds, she has none or that she's too scared to say just incase I think of her differently. I mentioned to her about my fantasy to have a little anal play and I showed her my set of 3 butt plugs which I had for a while, pretending that I'd bought them after telling her my fantasy. She's used them on me a few times which has been great but she's still yet to tell me anything about her.
    She said she hasn't had any past experiences that have had a negative effect or so she says not. I'm happy that you were able to sort things our between you and your partner!

    AddictedToSex, I really don't mind making it all about her, just thinking about doing anything like that to her turns me on. She seems to want to get it over and done with too quickly if you know what I mean. I've tried what you've said in the past and spent time trying to make everything perfect. But then when it comes to doing it or doing it to me, it's like it needs to be done and over with too soon. There's no teasing, just striaght in for the kill.
    I can totally see where you're coming from about telling her she's not doing it enough. When I've told her about how I'm feeling I've never said the words, ''you're not doing it enough, I need more.'' It's always been in a kind of subtle way in a way that suggests that I want it more often if you understand. I have also never spoken of previous relationships and how often it used to happen. I don't expect her to be just like that and I really don't mind doing it once a week or even once every two if it's what she wants.

    I don't know. It's so hard to explain. You know when you can feel yourself bottling things up and it just keeps getting more and more until you can't handle it anymore. It's getting to that stage. I just don't want to sound/be pushy and ignorant. She said the other week in a joking way that I'm high maintainance in that department. But I suspect she was saying it jokingly as not to offend me.
    She is taking the pill, I've read that this can have a detramental effect to libido. Have you ever heard anything like that?
    Above I wrote about how I told her about anal play. As you may know anal is one of those things you need to kinda play with yourself for a bit first to get you're senses right. The set is this one http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=22287 .
    The big one is pretty big so it took me some time to build up to it. I told her that I was able to take the big one after having a little play to myself. She then went into a sulk and then uttered the words, ''Well now I feel as though I'm not satisfying you enough if you have to do it by yourself.'' I let things cool down a bit and wanted to see if there'd be an increase of play with her in the next couple of weeks. Nothing, exactly the same. Now if common sence serves me wright, then if you're scared that you're not satisfying your partner enough becasue of them telling you about them masturbating then wouldn't you try a little harder? I'd hate to actually tell her how much I masturbate. She's often saying about how she feels as though I'm going to ''go elswhere'' to fullfill my desires. To which I re-asure her that all I want is her.

    I hate to sound a whiny little bitch about it all but it really does mean a lot to me and sorry for the huge essays. They're probably a chore to read.
    I'll try your suggestions again and see how it goes.
    Thanks for your help and if you have anymore please, please let me know.

    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 23 Jun 2012

    The pill can cause alot of women to loose there libdo so it could be related.
    I hope you find away to get her to open up and be more intimate. It's clear that you care deeply for her but your not happy and it's going to ruin your relationship if you can't find away round this x

    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 20 Nov 2012

    I agree with what NN has said. Stick with it for now, and I really hope things work out for you.

    BlindMonkey7 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 8
    • Joined: 6 Nov 2012

    Thanks for your help! Feels nice to be able to talk about it, even if it is in an online forum.

    Miss V [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 21 May 2013

    I really feel for you as I have this problem but the other way round. My OH isn't up for it as much as me and even though I talk and tell him what I want, getting no where fast.

    My Hubbie said alot of it was because when he was in his prime perhaps 10 years ago when we had young children, I did not want sex at all and I honestly think with a collection of different Contreception - Pill, Coil, Marina Coil, Depro injection, my libido was rock bottom.

    I was sterlaised last year and this is the best thing that has happened to me and althogh my hubbie said he's finding it hard to get back into wanting it again from only having sex perhaps twice a month, we are slowly getting there.

    I know one fo the big things for me was reading erotic novels. Not short stories etc, but full length books and trilogies that have good stroy lines with various Kink .Fifty shades was the first and there are numerous others out there. They have opened up my mind and certinaly improved my libido

    I agree with everyone else, a woman needs to be loved and touched, not just the sex. My Hubbie is a classic case of this, he's not tactile at all and it's very frustrating.

    Go along with what everyone else has said, but perhaps thing about the contreception and see if you can link this with when her libido decreased etc. x

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