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  1. Boyfriend of 2 years (aged 50) and we have sex only every 4-6 weeks. What can I do to encourage him

    VickyB [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 1 Nov 2012

    So, I am 40. In a relationship with a fantastic man but apart from the very early days, we have only ever had sex every 4-6 weeks. It is so frustrating for me. I have tried sexy texts. Emails which go into exquisite detail in the hope it will turn him on. Not long after we met he told me he is very dirty and naughty and I am yet to see this side of him. I am attractive, a curvy size 10 and I am no prude despite not having tried a lot sexually. I have told him I am open and excited about trying anything with him as I trust him completely. I really don't know what else to do and it is becoming increasingly frustrating!!

    MissChar [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    Hello and welcome to the forums, I'm not really sure I'm the best to help but no doubt people will give you awesome advice :)

    what I will say is that someone posted on similar kind of themed thread that men are visual... As in it would be a good idea to show him. Sounds like you're very confident in yourself so maybe you could try dressing up in some sexy lingerie and surprising him? Might work to get him stimulated and going and show him what you want by taking the initiative.

    That's what I would think, I'm sure someone had suggested to another lady something similar so it might help.

    However, you may need to check there isn't an underlying reason for this ie health, work stress, emotional etc..xx


    [suspended user]

    suspended user
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    take him out of his comfort zone...easy to say you are " dirty" and "naughty* ....prove it...or admit you are scared and start afresh.

    SubReiSkyeM [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 4 Jun 2010

    I agree with MissChar: men are very visual creatures and they find it easier to be turned on by what they can see rather than what they read. At least, that's what my male friends have always told me.

    Lingerie can be useful but only if you know what sort he likes. I've dressed up before and felt I looked fantastic only for it to have been a waste of time and it isn't fun. Maybe you should also try kissing him a lot? Try to make a lot of affectionate gestures without trying to make it go to sex and he might decide he actually wants to have some.

    Of course, the main thing is to communicate your desires so I think you should do that face-to-face rather than through messages. It's harder to ignore that way and you're bound to get some sort of response.

    kittylicks [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    • Joined: 20 Jun 2013

    Set the mood before he arrives:

    Candlite Aromatherapy& Baby Oil Bath with mood-music [no kids / visitors / engagements].

    Tell you you've got it ready for him, then when he's in it, enter with his favourite wine / bubbly in the outfit he finds you sexyist in, and do a VERY SLOW strip-TEASE for him; before getting into the bath yourself too!

    Start by gettinghim aroused: working with nerve tingling slowness & gengleness, on his toes, soles, ankles, behing his knees & so on until you reach his E.G: ears.

    Now that he's relaxed:

    I know I may sound daft here, but have you actuallysat down together & discussed these issuesclearly directly with him and told him about your needs - a non-threatening style / format]... Any carefully ask him why he's not been feeling sexy of late; not wanting to make love with you more often than monthly = could turn out to be a simple one to resolve

    Often we make unwitting assumptions about each other; eg: that the other person knows about your needs,but they're 'fine the way they are thanks' and short of using the sledge-hammer approach to make the point [any topic] can be missed completly.

    Make some agreed love-slots in both your monthly calenders, To take turns fulfilling what you are agreeing to do for each other, to meet those sexual / relational needs, each week.

    Remember that some people [men / women] can have a naturally much lower sex-drive than their partner, but any truley loving relationship is all the better, then BOTH partners need toask them & discover the others persons needs & desires; then EACH one, go all out, to find imaginative & fun ways / laces to meet those need,for the other [soulmate].

    Have fun in the discovery & release your inner goddess!

    Give each other SLOW, gentle and very Thorough, un-hurried Massages to each other, stating before you beging, that you will not touch the genital areas. Use feathers /leather / silk etc, Choc sause, Strawberries & Icecream [or whatever each of YOU fancy trying on the other]. By enforcing the stict no sex rule, you'll soon find that you're both gagging for it, before you're even finished!

    You could take the lead and tell him what you need; each to tell in graph detail to the other one, their personal: needs/ desires / likes / dislikes / fantasies [Then each partner goes out of their way, trying to outdo the other iin meeting the needs],Tell him when you're REALLY horny & want to make mad passionate love with him! E.G: sexy dress up and role play/ sex in an erotic location / situation...?

    Have you asked him, what gets him hot the most? Have you asked him if he's had any sexual fantasies, something he's always secretly wanted to do or somewhere?

    Morthius [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 23 May 2013

    Just be sexy and try to increase it from 4-6 weeks apart to 3-5 to 2-4 etc etc. Sex causes more need for sex as it is addictive but for anything that causes addiction too long without will diminish the need. It might be he is not doing any sessions by himself so he then actually only have a release every 4-6 weeks. This will keep his sex need quite low.

    Get to know his inner desires. What makes him tick. Try different things, it is the small details that makes a man desire you without him knowing why. If he has voyeur tendencies he will like to "catch you masturbating" without him knowing you know he has. He could be a man who likes garters and stockings and such. All you can do is find out and without letting him know dress in these erotic clothes around the house.

    From my point of view, if I for some reason didn't have much lust (not the case yet), "a talk" would make that lust even less. So try to avoid the "why don't we have more sex" until you have tried to get to him on a more subconcious level. The whole candels and hassle is kind of a turn off for me as well, probably because I am more on the dom side and it is "the hunt" that is interesting not being served at a table so to speak.

    If you do feel the need to talk with him try put some alcohol into play and start slowly going up at what you like and don't like in terms of sex and see if he opens up and reveals some naughty desires hehe.

    VickyB [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    Great reply, thank you. I agree that the "Why don't we have sex?" question is definitely one to avoid.

    Sex with him is always good, he is dominant too which I do enjoy 99% of the time. The downside is a lack of making love and real intimacy.

    I happen to know that he chats online and have spoken to him about this and he pretty much denies it or says its just casual chat, nothing sexual. This isn't the case! The sexual stuff is oftenn quite rough.

    He has said to me that a lot of men want a beautiful girlfriend who is kind and gentle and good comany but is a slut in the bedroom. I can certainly live out this fantasy and do, but only every 4-6 weeks.

    He has issues from his past relationships which have overflowed into ours. I am completely non-judgemental and open to trying pretty much anything and have told him this on several occasions. I've asked him what would really turn him on and what his inner desires are but he skirts around the question and I know no more after almost 2 years of being with him.

    We'll get there, I'm sure.

    Thanks for your advice


    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    Someone posted a link to mojoupgrade.com on another thread recently, it might be worth taking a look at if you think he's hiding a fetish from you! You're both individually presented with a list of sexual fantasies and you both tick off which ones you'd like to do. At the end they give you results and only reveal the fantasies that were shared by both partners. That might also be a good starting point to get talking about things without it being an issue. You could use the opportunity to mention that you would really enjoy some intimate sex now and then.

    On a different note the online chat thing would rile me, personally. But then lying is a deal-breaker for me. Why does he feel that he can't share that with you? If you have an issue with it then I'd say you should confront him and point out that you know it's sexual, so he can't fob you off with that.

    What is it that makes sex so infrequent? Do you initiate and he's just always 'too tired'? Or since he likes to be dominant do you tend to leave him to initiate sex?

    VickyB [sign in to see picture]
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    The online stuff does rile me. He is very well paid, very clever and in a good job but its a very lonely job. I understand the need for human contact completely and if it was just every day chat I would be fine with it but its not. He claims its hard to find a site for general chat and that they are all dating and sex sites.

    Anyway as for the sex thing, I've never been with someone who seems to almost mentally remove themself from where they are before anything sexual takes place. It makes me wonder whether he finds me attractive but without being big headed, I am tall, size 10, curvy, and am told I am very sexy and attractive (not by him, by other people). Its like he is unable to talk about sex but I think this dates back to previous relationships.

    I don't know why its so infrequent. I initiate things generally and have never turned him down when he initiates things so he should have no fear of rejection which I think is what has happened before with him.

    Will keep you posted.

    VickyB [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    Mojoupgrade.com is fab! Will give it a go.

    He has replied to my message and things are starting to look up ;-)

    Thanks to everyone for their advice


    Nikolai [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    As you said the is dominant 99% of the time. Try finding a good massage oil and ask him to give you a massage and you'll give him something and return!

    I see he replied, im glad :)

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