1. How to deal with my kink? (Please! Advice needed)

    SomewhatDeviant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 14 Jul 2013

    Hi, there!

    This is my first post at Lovehoney. I'll try to get straight to the point. Hope you won't get bored. And please, excuse my English, for it is not my native language.

    First, some background.

    I'm a 28 years old straight male. Sort of a latebloomer, also: I lost my virginity in my twenties. I hadn't have but a few relationships so far. Always "official", serious and committed relationships. This is, no affairs, no one-night stands, no f*ck-buddyship or anything like that.

    Until now.

    I'm single since last October. And call it "mid life crisis" or whatever you want, but I decided to go a little astray from what I'm used to regardind sex and dating and etcterea.

    All of my previous ex's were kind of conservative and prudish, and sex happened to be dull, boring and insipid. And, invariably and inevitably, I had to forfeit my curiosity towards certain subjects... Which made me feel so frustrated and (in plain words) sad.

    So I started to visit escorts. And although I had a hard time explaining to them what is it that I am into, I finally got to put my kinkyness in action.

    No big deal, I guess. From any experienced person's point of view, I'm light years away from qualify as a BDSM adherent. Anyway, that's not my intention. I found out, nevertheless, that I find rough sex so exciting. And by "rough" I mean spicing it up with face slapping, name calling and spit play. I'm into receiving, I must emphasize... except for name calling and dirty talk, which I prefer it is mutual.

    So, I get turned on so much by being slapped and spat in the face. Yet, I don't think other women besides escorts would accept it.

    Maybe, when it come to sexual tastes, there's no need to find an explanation to it. But, if so, here's the motivation for such fetishes: in my everyday life, I'm a polite, neat-and-tidy, and somewhat elegant person. Good manners, "please-thank you", clean and perfumed, etcetera. I'm not saying I feel uncomfortable about it. But, whlist in bed, I have this urge to move away from my -let's say- public persona. I need to give it a rest, if you will. And perhaps it means to behave in the complete opposite at its fullest.

    Women and girls I treat on a daily basis have their opinions about me, also. And they doesn't help at all. For instance, I can't even tell a dirty joke, because they all go like "Eww, that's gross" or "Men are always thinking about that", and the like. Other than that, they tend to see me as a chivalrous gentleman, the "perfect boyfriend" so to say, someone who would never do anything but sweet and tender sex, and who would never go visiting escorts (!) And yes! I'm sweet and tender and caring in bed. Even with escorts (Should I point out something that obvious?) But, again, there comes a time when I need to take things to a higher level.

    If women and girls around find it "disgusting" a mere and simple dirty joke, how can I expect sharing my kink with someone who isn't an escort?

    Female acquaintances take for granted that I'm always dating, that I'm always "into something", and that I'm a "player"... But reality is that I'm quite shy and lonely, since I can't find a way to speak out what makes me feel pleasure, without the feeling (and guilt) of being judged.

    Well, that's all for the moment.

    Thank you for reading. And thank you in advance for any advice you can provide.

    Crazyflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 20 Jun 2013

    Hi there, hope your well. Mighty gave you a great reply and advice i think!!

    As a female reading your post i do not in anyway think you are weird or any of the other things you may have been called in the past & people that judge others are not worthy of our time or thoughts in the first place.

    I think you sound rather nice actually (if that helps).

    Like Mighty advised you live your life and be proud of who you are and you will find others who respect you and even share your desires and little kinks as that is what I hope for myself also one fine day.

    Kind regards xx

    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1245
    • Joined: 20 May 2011

    As another woman I do not think you're weird at all. What two great combos in a guy, a nice guy with a bit of kink. In regards to your kinks, I don't think they're weird at all, infact I've seen/heard of much worse.

    Different people have different tastes, yes some will think it's weird. Others have kinks of their own and will embrace it. Don't be afraid to say what it is that you want, if the person you're with doesn't like it and thinks you're weird for it then you're better off without them anyways. I'd much rather be in a relationship in which I'm happy both emotionally and sexually then missing half of a whole.

    Find yourself, who you are, what you want and then embrace it. Only once you've accepted who you are will others accept it too.

    SomewhatDeviant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 14 Jul 2013

    Well well well... Thank you for such good input all of you!

    MB, you sound like you've walked lots of miles, and obviously your experience in the field is way ahead from mine... That's why your words are worth it! I have just begun to realize what you have so clear and defined in your life. Hope someday I'll be capable of embracing my desires the same way you did --although our tastes may differ (as I say before, I'm not into BDSM).

    CF, sounding/looking nice is something I try to avoid! haha Just kidding. But I found it hard to move away from that image. Sometimes I think I look so nice to people that they would never dare to consider me as someone more "sexually interesting". Maybe I should keep in mind that one thing is what we show of ourselves on a daily basis, and another thing completely different is what we are behind closed doors. And also, I should adjust my radar a little.

    FA, thanks for the compliment (that combo thing...) As I was saying to CF, I'm having a hard time knowing people who match my desires. I guess I'm doing exactly what I want people not to do: I'm being judgemental. On the other hand, truth is my girlfriends actually were conservative, prude and narrow minded. I should stop insist in finding Heidi and go for the big deal, if you know what I mean. I'm judgemental (even when I don't mean to) by merely assuming that both a kinky and healthy relationship is a paradoxical, impossible mix. But, ultimately, those girls I was with were so f*cked up in their heads despite their "healthy, clean and righteous" sexual lives. (That's what I meant, CF, when I talked about "adjusting my radar") So... What if kinksters turn out to be the nicest, sweetest and most caring people? I guess it's a good question.

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    • Posts: 1985
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    Its not that all women dislike your kink, it is more that you haven't found one yet who enjoys your kink. We exist though, trust me :D. We (Myself and my partner) have encorporated spit play into our sessions on a few occasions and although I don't like being spit into my mouth, I also strangely really like it, because of how it makes me feel (Slightly disgusted or demeaned) When we play that way, and he is dominating me, that is what I want to feel and I like it. I also loveee rough sex, but not every time of course. There is nothing wrong with your kink, nothing strange about having kinks. It just sounds like the people you have joked with or spoken to are further down the kink ladder than you are and jumped to a snap judgement. You wouldn't be surprised to know some of the kinkiest people are the kindest, most open minded, sensitive folks I know. Hopefully you will meet someone who shares your interests and you can blossom and go from there. Don't EVER let anyone make you feel shame for enjoying a little fun and a little kink in the bedroom. I always follow a little mantra...As long as I aint hurting anyone (Unwillingly ;o) ) as long as it is safe, consentual and legal....then I will do as I please and will feel no shame for being who I am.

    At least you are a nice person who doesnt jump to snap judgements. I bet they would of been horrified if you had turned around and said "Urghhh, you sound so boring in the bedroom, like a dead fish" lol I don't understand why some people don't understand that just because THEY are not into something....sex...food...tv shows...whatever, doesnt mean its disgusting or wrong for someone else to be. Narrow mindedness IMO. There are some kinks I have no interest in, but I wouldn't dream of looking down my nose at the people who enjoy it. (So long as they are not actually doing something illegal or endangering another person stupidly etc)

    See this is a difficult one because talking about your deepest sexual kinks is not something you share at first with a new partner, so its like, you have to put in all this time getting to like someone, only to find out your incompatible in bed. Then starting again. Its not easy but if a bloke ever looked at me and said "Urghhh you are disgusting" I would be saying "Urghh theres the door BYE" lol

    SomewhatDeviant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    Thank you for your insight too, Fluffbags.

    I must assume my part. Back in the day, I wasn't able to express my feelings with my previous steady partners. I never was frank and open and told them what I really like. But they did freaked out by much less than spit play, for instance, so why should I had bother?

    Anyway, I learnt something valuable from my last relationship: if you don't share the same sense of humour with them, there's no point in trying to make things work. It's beneath humour, jokes and fooling around where one's intimate feelings towards sex really lie. Also, humour it's a sign of intelligence. If it remains absent, well, let's better leave it there and look for somebody new.

    From now on I decided to go after the people I really like. I have to be honest to myself in first place, right? Not settling for the ones who are just available, but those who I feel attracted to. If things go well in bed, then there'll be room for telling them what I like.

    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    You're more than welcome SWD

    I agree with Fluff, I have to admit I lol'd at the there's the door part! But I do tend to talk about my kinks before the dating process, but maybe that's because I've always started off talking to someone and getting to know them before we've started dating? Also I know sex isn't the be all and end all in a relatonship, however if I don't get sex, or feel the sex is lacking I get frustrated and it really effects my mood. So I like to know if they're compatible and things usually when talking about things I'll just ask what their kinks are. Some will say they don't have any, And I usually reply with Well everyone has a kink (I do believe everyone has some kind of kink, even if they won't admit it to themselves) And then I'll tell them mine.

    I may have to use the dead fish analogy Fluff when someone says something about my kinks next time! lol

    SomewhatDeviant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 14 Jul 2013

    Yeah, I found Fluff 's point of view very accurate.

    And of course comparing someone to a "dead fish" would be quite rude. I keep those judgements to myself. If things don't work in bed and neither do in the whole relationship, what do I get from offend them with such words? I've been there and it feels like anything but crap. Mind you, I was called a perv for only having porn as "background music", so to speak.

    I like being called a "perv"... as long as it's part of the game But that just was not the case

    I would appreciate your kind of honesty, FA, in any other person I meet. In fact, if I'd get to know you IRL, I would definitely date you not once but twice! And let you punish me for being such a naughty boy hahaha

    Maybe I should go out more often. Escorts have played a good part in allowing myself to open up my mind, though. But obviously it would be more interesting, meaningful and amazing to share those things with a significant other... or someone who you can have a stronger and deeper bond.

    It's a shame we are an ocean away, FA

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