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  1. Selfish lover or overreacting? (advice for a newbie please)

    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 407
    • Joined: 11 Feb 2013

    But I suppose it would be to naive and idealistic of me to assume that as we come to know each other more the sex will improve...?

    Things dont improve.

    Things ARE improveD

    Unless he is (you are) prepared to make a concious effort to improve things, they will stay as they are, or degrade.

    tattooed lotus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 10
    • Joined: 8 May 2012

    I am very concerned at your situation and the control that is going on.Have you considered leaving the relationship?

    Be11e [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 16 Apr 2013

    Thank you to everyone for your concern and honesty.

    @mrbumcheeks- you make a very good point about him simply overemphasizing what he thought I liked (and he’s not entirely wrong). I didn’t think about it that way and that’s good rationale for why I’ve found myself in this situation. I’m planning on simply talking to him and asking him to back off the domination, at least until we figure out what works for both of us.

    @LauraP- I’m both so sorry you found yourself in such a controlling situation and so thankful that you shared your experience with me. I will be on the lookout for that control spreading to other areas of my life and hopefully if it does I will be as strong as you in simply cutting the cord.

    @Lifebuoy- THANK you for that info on climaxing. Much appreciated :)

    @gunther- ‘is that it?’ I actually laughed so hard at this!!! Perhaps I will try, I can’t wait to see his reaction :P

    @Kebert- You are absolutely right.

    And finally @tattooed and everyone else who expressed their concern- first off I didn’t realize that the people on this forum would be so caring towards my situation and I greatly appreciate that. I have considered leaving him, however it’s the sex that’s unsatisfactory, not the rest of the relationship. I’ve come to care for this person, and I’m going to give us a chance to talk this through and work on these issues. It is an integral part of the relationship for me, so if we aren’t sexually compatible after we put in the effort and/or if he continues to be unwilling to hear me then it will certainly be the end. From what I’m hearing from you all I am in the right to be unsatisfied with the situation, and that’s what I was primarily struggled with. Now that I can confidently express that this ISN’T normal and he ISN’T treating me well sexually I will hopefully have more gumption in both expressing and requesting what I need for the relationship to continue.

    theCarnalCouple [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 118
    • Joined: 29 Jan 2012

    Hey Be11e

    Lots of advice already on here, but thought we'd offer ours as well.

    I understand why you have been given it, but not sure that the "just dump him" advice is terribly helpful and from your last reply you seem quite grounded and level headed about your situation.

    Whilst by the sounds of it he could indeed be much more caring sexually , it could also be that a lack of "real" experience on his part if driving this slightly over-dominating behaviour to make it seem as though he knows exactly what to do and in his mind by doing that he may well think that he is putting you at ease because of this "I know what I'm doing" persona.

    Best advice here, especially if you are happy in all other aspects is to communicate and just have the honest conversation about what you like and don't like as well as for him. Just have that conversation outside of the bedroom activities and not straight after it so that you are both thinking straight.

    Sounds like you have already researched, but for lots of women, orgasm through penetration alone is much less likely than where there has been foreplay and clitoral stimulation and is certainly not just you. So definitely don't feel that your lack of experience is hindering your ability to orgasm soley through penetration, depsite his saying so.

    I do wonder as well whether he used your "lack of experience" as a defence mechanism against him being unable to make you oragasm......maybe it made him feel less of a man and that he feels because he loves you so much that he should be able to give you the time of your life in the bedroom (or kitchen etc hehe). Maybe because he cares for you so much that he really wants your world to move during sex and is upset at himself that it hasn't yet.

    Not defending him, just trying to give another perspective.

    Maybe remind him that whilst you like the "aggressive" as you say approach sometimes, that you would also like it if sometimes the lead was shared a little more and that sometimes it should be slow and sensual. Variety is definitely the spice of the sexual side of a relationship.

    The best part is that the open communication and chat about sex and what you both do and don't like will make things even better.

    Good luck :)

    BDSM [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 185
    • Joined: 14 Feb 2009

    Every single aspect that you have described about him rings huge warning bells.

    Please leave this person. He will not change, they never do. His perception of women is so fundamentally flawed that this relationship is a dangerous place to be.

    This is not a normal relatinship. His behaviour is not normal. This is not a normal sex life.

    You deserve better.

    rubysoho [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1043
    • Joined: 6 Mar 2013

    get the hell outta dodge . asap .

    spiceitup [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 69
    • Joined: 27 Oct 2010

    Think he has been watching too much porn, ie the females are often submissive IMO. Stop having sex with him and tell him you find it a turn off. Let it be known you want lovemaking, cuddling , caressing or whatever you feel your in touch with.

    If he can't calm his ways now, it's not going to happen in the future.

    S4zz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 21
    • Joined: 11 Feb 2012

    Lou22 wrote:

    I believe a controlling element in bed can only really work if everthing can be discussed openly and all opinions are taken on board, within a relationship it is often something talked about before sex moves on to that point so the other partner is in a position to say 'no i don't want to do that tonight'.

    As you've said yourself many women cannot orgasm from penetration alone which is true and given that he can't respect your opinions about your own body and he's not willing to try and help you improve your sex life it sounds like he's not concerned about your pleasure at all. Also the fact that he seems to want to blame you for the problems is a concern in itself.

    Georgina71 wrote:

    A domineering man can be great in bed. I love being taken with force; and hearing things "good girls do what they're told", or even "take off your clothes, slut", or worse, can be extremely arousing. But a woman should have more orgasms this way, not fewer. This kind of things should be discussed in advance, and agreed upon, otherwise it borders on the abuse; and it should not be the only mode of lovemaking, tenderness should have it place. And making you feel guilty for not coming by penetration alone, that's really out of line.

    I agree with these two posts - this kind of thing should definitely be discussed & agreed beforehand, including a safe-word. To allow it to continue without this agreement & mutual consent could be to put yourself at risk. You could try having another discussion with him, but as others have advised try to be realistic and on your guard for warning signs of a potentially abusive situation so as not to get stuck in that type of a relationship. I hope it works out or, if appropriate, that you can walk away and not look back + find someone who is more deserving of your time & attention.

    Lord_Vetinari [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 82
    • Joined: 10 Sep 2012

    Speaking as a man your post makes me nervous. No man should try to dominate a woman. Sex is a giving experience and there should be mutual respect. If you WANT to be dominated all well and good but I get the impression from your post that this does not float your boat.

    If he's not willing to take this on board I would suggest he's a bully and that you move on before you become little more than a doormat.


    Baby_Lu [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 32
    • Joined: 3 Apr 2012

    "Usually when I bring it up I end up feeling guilty because he claims that if I had more experience and knew what I was doing then I would be able to cum by penetration."

    ^ This is horrible and so not true. Sounds like he doesn't give a crap about your pleasure and never will.

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