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  1. Sexless marriage

    Cap54 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 13 Dec 2009

    Happy new year one and all
    Hears the thing that time of year when you take stock and the last 2yrs have been a bit diere in the bedroom department for example

    2 BJs for me. Oral 47 times for her
    Sex 38 times same position every time
    Hand jobs 5 for me 28 for her

    You get the idea so decided to out sorce my needs
    A massage poulour near me has a web site
    Looks good the girls look hot
    Am I Bering naive to think it will actually be like that
    Has anyone been to one and what was your Expiriance like

    Need to get this idea out. Of my head lack of 'my share' is driving me mad

    Faith987uk [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 29 Feb 2012

    I think you should be talking to your OH before looking elsewhere.

    flash1 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 20 Sep 2009

    I agree with Faith987uk... think you need to talk to OH first and then try and work things out between you both

    Plain Jane [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 264
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2011

    A massage parlour won't be like their glossy image suggests. The girls, however nice, do it as a business

    Tell your wife Even Steven. She gets back what she puts in

    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    I agree with the above. You need to speak to your wife and see if there is anything is wrong.

    jaycloth [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 22 Feb 2010

    Don't do it.

    I can tell you 100% that the overwhelming majority of paid-sex services are a vice like any other. Like booze, drugs and gambling they are addictive and expensive.

    A lot of services are delivered with an air of bare tolerance from women that bear no resemblance either physically or characteristically from those that you thought you. Some, you wouldn't tell the time to in any other circumstances - never mind have sex with them.

    Those are the good ones.

    The bad ones are those that are visions of beauty, friendly, professional and deliver exactly what you want with charm and drive. As soon as it's done, you'll want more and more, and spend every day seeking to better the last experience, spending more and more money on blind purchasing - and before you know it, you've overdosed and it won't even be bringing you enjoyment from the sex itself - it will all be about addiction and consumerism.

    After years of marriage and boring, unedifying sex - if you start with escorts you will almost certainly feel rock & roll - and you're going to want variety and quality - because all of sudden it's available. Every time, you'll want someone slightly better looking, bigger tits, smaller tits, prettier face, black, white, asian, better spoken English, threesomes and so on. You'll want all the services, all the lastest fads. And every failed experiment will cost you £60-120 (but probably more), and will only spur you on.

    It's exactly like the other vices. It can only ever work if you're in total control and even then there are dangers.

    If you have no money - the worst possible thing you can do is go to the casino.

    If you are unhappy - the worst thing you can do is take drugs.

    If you have an unhappy sex life - for fuck's sake don't start with escorts.

    If you were single, had a very large amount of disposable income and were just after hobby sex once a week - then it MIGHT work. Anything else is madness - I promise you that.

    Cap54 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 201
    • Joined: 13 Dec 2009

    Thanks for the input, decided not to go down that road.
    Don't mind entertaining the wife.
    With toys, oral, and cock (Would go down on her every day) i know i hit the spot the last orgasam she had oraly made her cry with pleasere i might add.
    That's not the pbroblem, if only she would return the favour.

    swingcouple [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 161
    • Joined: 29 Jan 2008

    Don't necessarily agree with the above, working girls were a useful outlet for me (G) when my ex decided after over 20 years of marriage that she was not going to have sex any more. We did talk at length but she was adamant. I was unwilling to give up sex and eventually found a nice local prostitute and became one of her 'regulars' until I found myself a girlfriend/mistress. The marriage wasn't going to work and we divorced a couple of years after.

    Some prostitutes are very cynical. Some are very expensive. Some are trafficked. Many, however, are nice normal women who really enjoy sex and enjoy giving pleasure, and prostitution is a career choice not a compulsion. Avoid 'massage parlours' and try women who work from a flat rather than from a brothel; have a look at punternet for reviews. Treat them with respect and they will be good to you.

    Like anything else in life, you can get addicted. But most people who drink don't end up alcoholics, most people who play the lottery don't gamble all their earnings away, and most men who visit working girls don't get hooked on that sort of sex. Everybody needs sex and they're a useful outlet until you find a regular partner. Good luck!

    Cap54 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 201
    • Joined: 13 Dec 2009

    Thanks for your thoughts Jaycloth. Just read your update re your prob,
    Hope things work out for you and good luck for the new year

    bemmyscot [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 27 Dec 2010

    HI Cap54, sorry to hear your issues in the bedroom, but I can totally empathise. I have been with my wife for almost 14 years, For the last seven I think we had sex (oral for her, or penetrative sex) maybe 10/12 times each year. I dont mention oral for me as she has never willing done it for me so I have had a few half hearted licks in all that time.

    I have now decided that as it seems she has gone off sex,of all forms, rather than pay for it I have decided to abstain from all forms of sex, I know my wife wont miss it.

    Good luck in your relaitionship

    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 14 Jan 2010

    My OH got hooked and although we talked things through as we have been together 25yrs, it's difficult. We have not had sex in years and he finds it difficult to relax. We currently sleep in separate rooms and he wasted thousands of pounds.

    I could go on more but he wishes he had never done it. The damage is deep but we ain't over yet. However I am very sexually frustrated as we do nothing.

    Talk to your wife and save both of you the heartache.

    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    I would agree that it would be best to talk to your OH first to see where exactly you stand. If she is unwilling to change anything, you have 2 options - decide to at least have what you can or look elsewhere.

    While I am not someone who likes being unfaithful, I have friend whose wife after having 2 kids decided that they will never have sex together again and it has been like this for 15 years. He stayed in the marriage, for the kids, but he has a girlfriend/lover now and considering divorce, as kids are adults. Because he can take no more of no support from his wife, she barely talks to him anymore.

    lilmadam92 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 85
    • Joined: 2 Apr 2010

    How much does this differ to sex before you married? Was she always selfish?

    I would agree to abstaining a little, she is definitely being selfish and having a good sex life is about being fair both ways. However, if you stray before you talk to her, you are not giving her a chance to rekindle your sex life.

    If she was different before she married, maybe she has slipped into a plataeu and is used to you giving and, if you haven''t mentioned it, doesn't see not giving back as a problem.

    Always communicate before giving up, it may be that she lacks confidence now and doesn't feel attractive enough to initiate sexual activities anymore.

    Wishing you all the best x


    [suspended user]

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    How common is this problem! I get the 'I'm tired' response. Well I don't accept that because I'm a heavy manual worker and work 40 hrs plus most weeks and yes I help with the house kids etc not to mention all the decorating DIY car issues etc and after all of this I would do whatever my wife wanted sexually at any time of the day. I think the issue is men can rise to the occasion at the drop of a skirt and women need the hours of build up( mostly ). Then the hormones. Has anyone actually wrote a modern book for women on 'how to treat your man'. Our needs are forgotten all too easy. Yes I like to think I couldn't possibly do more to provide for my family. My kids get my attention, my wife gets candles, massages, bubble baths etc and in return I'm 'looked after"(think that means my washing done, tea made most nights). Well I say I can turn the washing machine on, do the ironing, make the tea. What I really mean is treat us how we want also etc arrange to take ur man on a date, run him a candlelit bath, massage him generally make him feel loved too. It's not all about how you feel even though its written and talked about enough and always telling men how we should treat our women.


    [suspended user]

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    Just had a thought. If you don't treat her mean maybe you could try a little of that because a lot of this modern man stuff hasn't really worked. Same home issues still exist.

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I stopped reading the books and magazines years ago that advise women on how they should expect to be treated by a man and tell women what they should expect for it to be "real" yes it was very one sided. However Stu I think I can answer your question on why there are a lot less books aimed at men getting what they want and that is in general, men dont read them. They wouldnt sell as well! Woman love to read relationshippy, emotional and psychological stuff, more than guys do anyway. So I think a lot of this is aimed at women and not men.

    I think books like "Men are from Mars" etc, do kind of fill both sides of the story. It has been many many years since I read it but I seem to remember it explaining how men think, why they act the way they do and how they deal with things differently to women. So I think there are books out there, probably better books on "Understanding how men work and how to treat him the way HE wants to be treated" I have picked up snippets throughout my years in books and articles I have read that are aimed towards women understanding a mans needs and I absorbed the information readily, I want to know how you all work! lol. I do agree though that a lot of the tripe you read in magazines is very, erm rubbish is the only word. I think it is designed to sell more copies. People in general are selfish. Reading a headline "Get what you want in the bedroom" has more appeal to the masses than "Give your partner the time of his life" I am generalising of course. There are a lot of people who are givers and would prefer the latter.

    I dont think the modern man stuff fully works but nor would I agree about the "treat em mean, keep em keen" theory. The right way to do it is pretty simple. Talk. Honestly. Dont act, dont pretend and give 50/50. If you are not getting 50/50 back, bring it up and discuss it. If they feel that they should not make an effort then they are not worth the effort. (Just make sure you think long and hard about what you are bringing to the table before you judge someone elses efforts)

    bemmyscot [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the sexlesss marriage is a lot more common than people admit too. I never thought Id end up in one. I have now decided to stay together for the kids. Sex is off the menu. I have decided that having years of me doing the romancing and first move etc, for not a lot of rewardb it is now easier to be cleibate as this seems to work for my OH

    Old - But not THAT old! [sign in to see picture]
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    Stuburns – I agree with everything that you say – I've been through all of that.

    Bemmyscot – you are right. The sexless marriage IS a lot more common than people realise.

    I know how you both feel. It is now over SEVEN YEARS since I had sex of any description with my wife. At first I was very understanding, and I have been through all the usual suggestions that can be found in this and other similar threads on this forum, but all to no avail. Her attitude now is that I shouldn't even be interested in sex at my age. OK, I am old now, a tad over middle-aged, but I'm not THAT OLD!

    Now, like you, I have just given up trying.

    This has left me with several options – all of which have also been covered by this thread.

    I could leave my wife (we have no children living with us) and find someone who IS interested, but experience tells me that even if I did find someone then the chances are that after a while the situation would turn out to be just the same – I have been married before and both times my OH was sexually active to start with, but once settled into the marriage it was not long before sex gradually diminished and then disappeared totally. Maybe I was just unlucky – but the more I read on forums such as this the more I am convinced that the majority of women use sex as the bait to get you into a relationship, once they have hooked you, and you have got a mortgage and kids to support, they know that they don't need to provide it anymore – no decent man is going to walk out on those commitments just because of a lack of sex. I appreciate that not all women are like this, but unfortunately I have never been lucky enough to know one.

    I could have an affair – but that costs money, no woman is going to just jump into bed with me without being wined and dined first, and I can barely afford to pay all my bills as it is.

    I could pay for sex – still a problem with raising the cash to pay for that, but possible as it is much cheaper than an affair. But, I'm a bit strange there – I have this old-fashioned idea that there should be some kind of a mutual relationship between lovers.

    So that just leaves me with Self-Service - which is why I am here on Lovehoney. I have got some great toys now and whilst none of them will ever be a replacement for the real thing they are much better than nothing at all.

    Apologies to all those ladies who do not fit the profile I have just had a moan about, but where were you when I was looking for a wife ???

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok first of all I have been on both sides of the coin. Being the one not wanting sex and being with partners who didnt want sex. So I aint "Taking sides" and know how much it hurts being rejected and also know how annoying it is being pestered.

    From my experience I seem to have learnt a few things. One of the first things is that if your partner has gone from wanting sex a lot to not really interested, usually there are a few main factors.

    1) Unhappiness with the relationship.

    For whatever reason they are building resentments towards you. Maybe they feel you are not pulling your weight or that things are not 50/50. Before you flame me and tell me you work your butt off and massage her back every night I just want to add that her resentments towards you are subjective. Just because she has them it doesnt mean she is right. In other words, maybe she is taking you for granted and not noticing all the effort you make. maybe you are not pulling your weight. Only you can know this. However this reason is usually one of the main reasons why women (or men) go off sex with their partner. So, the only way to solve this is communicate of course, find out what her needs and wants are, decide if she is being reasonable in her requests, and either follow through continually (not just until you get laid) the other option is to conclude her requests are unreasonable and not follow through. Things will stay the same, or a split will happen. Now please rest assured I am not saying do whatever it takes to please her. Thats crap and should not happen. Just as many women are selfish or unreasonable or greedy as men and she could well be being unreasonable. Thats up to you to decide.

    2) Tiredness

    I know right! You have heard this one a lot. I am not defending it, once again just pointing out that this is a major reason for sex dwindling. However I can give you a womans perspective on what we mean by tiredness because it is not that simple really. Its a mental tiredness, and in a lot of cases is more to do with just completely being in the wrong frame of mind. Something men are really good at, and us ladies need to learn more from you on this, is that men will make more time to chill out and relax. Its a good thing. The X-Box, Golf, Lads night out, Hobbies. Men can reach a point in their day or week where they can go "fuck it, its my time" As long as it isn't a stupidly large amount of the week it is a good thing. Woman dont ever seem to switch off. I am talking from experience, I am one :D. You know 3 or 4 thoughts are constantly spinning through my head at any one time. Like, are the kids school uniforms all dry ready for tomorrow, shit I forgot milk at the shop, what day does that bill go out, I think little one is coming down with flu, I best get a doc appointment, what do I need from the shop for dinner tonight".....on and on it goes. Yes we are good organisers, the food is magically in the fridge and clean clothes hung up and all the other things that maybe you take for granted as a man (Not all men, just generalising again) The point being...How on earth do you get into "The Mood" when sex has almost become the last thing on your mind and when you have 24 hours to sow all the badges on little ones cubs uniform in time... You just dont feel sexy, baring in mind that you all know women are thinkers, and need to think themselves into "The Mood" and need more time to get into "The mood" So when a woman says she is tired. I am willing to bet it isnt all physical, and that the tiredness she has is half mental, as well as just not being in the right frame of mind at all. Yeh, it sucks, but unless we find a way to make women plan, organise, worry and think less then I guess this will always be the case. The best way I can think of comparing it is like, for example your hobby is fixing cars, you have a car on the jack and working away and for the life of you trying to work out what is wrong with it, your brain is coming up with all these possibilities and you are getting frustrated and your missus walks in and says hey can you give me a hand job please..... hehe (Waits for you all to say "I would" haha!

    There are other factors but those two are the main culprits I think. However I do object to the thinking that woman use sex to trap men. I mean, thinking along that logic, guys often go out their way to wne and dine and spoil and treat a woman at first. Then that stops. Does that mean men use money or treats to trap a woman? I think you should act as you mean to go on and although we all make extra efforts at the start of relationships, it is unfair to try and impress a woman by splashing the cash and later, when things go sour, accuse women of just being interested in money. Just the same way it is unfair of women to accuse their guys of being perverts or worse when they continue to want sex. Not going to lie we enjoy being treated, but so do men and it should be 50/50 in this day and age. And remember it like this, you are comparing the sex you get now to the beginning of your relationship. Do you still treat her exactly the same as at the start? The flowers, the love letters, the mixed tapes or dedicating songs to her, the surprises (And no they dont have to cost money) the sweet words and constant touches, the running over at 1 in the morning and staying awake with her because she got scared etc etc......or do you now tut, and fart and continue to play the x-box if she asks for a cuppa? :P Women need to be in the right frame of mind with you. Sorry but it really is true. I guess in the bedroom department that makes us harder work. We are sorry! :P

    I do not think it is healthy to have a relationship without sex and obviously there are issues that I can see from your posts you have tried everything. If you really have tried everything then I guess you got unlucky with a really selfish person and that sucks. It should be 50/50 but have you also thought about your place in the relationship. I mean, OLD...you say two partners lost interest so where does that leave you, firstly you assumed they trapped you and then you gave three options for yourself. One was to cheat, the second was to cheat and pay for it and the third was do it yourself.....

    Is there not another option, to talk and compromise and find out why it has gone so bad and try to work together for a solution. Are not the options you gave just as selfish as what you say your partner is being? Or have you just reached a complete stalemate, where any conversation about it just doesnt get resolved or turns into accusations or arguements and you are so tired of trying? Because there is then another option, couples therapy. Which is less expensive than an affair :P I mean you say no decent man would walk out on his responsibilities and commitments, but if you are thinking of cheating, thats worse than leaving. surely?

    Old - But not THAT old! [sign in to see picture]
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    Well Fluffbags - I accept all that you are saying.

    But I feel the need to defend my comments by saying that these were the three options that appear to me to be available, They have not been arrived at quickly or without any effort to find a resolution to my problem.

    Do I still treat her the same as when we first married? I would say Yes - Flowers and gifts when it is not a special occasion, touches and telling her that I love her, all of these and more. Make her a cuppa? Well I cook all meals (and have done so since day 1 - she has not even cooked 1 meal in all that time) and try to make them special at weekends when I am not working. I wash and iron my own clothes 99% of the time, and do more than 50% of the housework. We have discussed the problem many times over the years, but you have hit the nail on the head as to how these discussions now end. Her main answer nowdays is "Go and find someone else then".

    So now I have just given up.

    Perhaps you are right - after 2 marriages going this way perhaps it is something I am doing wrong.

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