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  1. Taking a break from a relationship.

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    Evening all. I've decided I want to take a break from my relationship. He doesn't know, as I've been putting it off for as long as possible while I tried to decide if this is really what I wanted.

    So, the back story; We've met and got together when I was 15 (and him 17) and now we are 20 and 22. We have a good relationship- ups and downs, like everyone. Quite recently I've started feeling like I just need some time apart from him and the relationship. He hasn't done anything wrong, and we still love each other very much. I know that telling him I want to take a break will crush him and me alike but I think he deserves to know what is going on in my head.

    I think I have simply grown apart from him recently- we've been together for 5 years and we've both grown up a lot since we first started the relationship.

    So.. any advice? What's the best way to say I want a break with as little hurt as possible? How do we keep in contact- like a couple in a LDR, or as friends? Do I do this before Christmas or wait? I don't want him to be sad over the holidays but at the same time, he will be very busy with work and family etc so will have less time to dwell. I want this to be as easy as possible for him.

    We've had a wonderful 5 years and they'v been some of the best of my life. You don't know what you've got til it's gone, and I think some time apart will make me realise exactly how good I've got it with him, and make me appreciate him more, but at the moment, I just need some time alone.

    BlueStar [sign in to see picture]
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    I think personally I would make Christmas make or break time, Tell him you're not happy with how things are and you want to see a change, Go out for date nights over Christmas,both make an effort to get the spark back, theres something magical about this time of year that doesnt quite feel the same without someone to share it with IMO

    Hoebag [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think there is an easy way to tell someone you want a break, whether short-term or otherwise. I think the best way is to just sit him down, and tell him exactly what you've just typed here. Honest, simple and straight to the point.

    I do think once you go through with this, you will need to set clear boundaries. If you are wanting to be on your own, then you need to decide what is better for you, not him. To clear your head I think both acting like a couple in a long distance relationship (or one-sided fuckbuddying as it sometimes turns out) or like friends are no gos. This isn't a mutual decision, you can't expect feelings to be the same on both sides and from experience, trying to stay close to minimise hurt can fail miserable and make the other person feel incredibly used.

    Personally, I think a clear break and then once you know your own thoughts and feelings abit more maybe suggest meeting for coffee and see what you think then. Be prepared that even if you do decide you want them, they may of moved on. Deciding to be single can also be quite daunting after a long distance relationship, so try not to confuse feelings with being familiarity.

    Best of Luck with breaking it to him, it's going to be tough as nails, but you need to do it for you. People grow from their experiences and their reactions to them, it's normal for people to grow apart after a while. If you don't think it's something you can revive within the relationship, you need to step outside it.

    Lady.Gasm.X [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 31 Jan 2012

    Personally I don't think there is ever a good time to broach a subject like this and the longer you leave it the harder it will get. My advice would be to tell him as soon as possible. Good luck!


    Shiny [sign in to see picture]
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    No good time for this. He could be miserable over christmas ...or be in a position to meet others socially.

    Does he get you a nice christmas gift and it only makes you feel worse.

    Looks as if you've made up your mind to try a split....quick is best.

    ..not sounding uncaring but there will be little solace in you not wanting to be in a relationship with him , but still wanting to be "Friends"........hard one to work.. Usually ends up someone being hurt - You have to remember that you cant expect him to be there if you decide it was a mistake.

    But staying out of insecurity wont work.

    Best of luck

    AliMc [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 25 Dec 2011

    If you've made up your mind then do it as soon as possible. You'll only hurt him worse by dragging it out and staying with him over Christmas when your heart isn't in it and you're just pretending. Hopefully you can do it before he buys you a present... that would be awkward.

    If you go on a break be prepared that he will likely date other people while you are apart and may not wish to get back together if you change your mind.

    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Accept that you're breaking up with him and this is a shite time of year to do it.

    IMO, 'taking a break' is one of the cruelest things someone can do to the other half of their relationship. All the heartache and disruption of a breakup, no closure, asking someone else to wait patiently in that for who knows how long.

    Do what you have to do, but at least let him have some input into the decision.

    And stop with the 'less time to dwell' stuff. If you've been together for five years, people will likely ask about you and wonder why you're absent. The more people he sees, the more questions he'll have to answer. Difficult position to be in when he doesn't know what's going on himself.


    [suspended user]

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    dont expect him to be there when you have made up your mind, life isnt so convenient

    -Chelsea [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmm.. this is a difficult one but I think this requires a direct, honest answer:

    Coming from experience, this sounds very much like a 'having your cake and eating it' sort of scenario.

    I have been with my OH for 3 years and I sometimes get this wandering feeling and that is all to do with the familiarity of it all. He was my first boyfriend when I was 16 and we split up after 6 months and got back together 3 years ago. I am now 22 and he is 24.

    It is so easy to fall into the trap of routine and getting comfortable and when you're young, you feel oldbefore your time and you go into panic mode but by the sounds of it, your relationship can be salvaged and if so, I would strongly recommend holding on to it for dear life!

    By all means, have some SPACE but instead of breaking it off, just say to your boyfriend you need some time alone as you feel some time apart will do you the world of good. Saying anything else will inevitably hurt his feelings and make him question everything. As everyone else have already pointed out, letting him know you're having doubts will only confuse him and may not necessarily stop him from seeing other people and you may lose the best thing that's happpened to you.

    If, after some time apart, you still feel this way and can envision a life without him, then would be the time to be upfront and perhaps part ways but I suspect this won't be the case as you clearly still have feelings for him and want the connection to be maintained. By the sounds of it, you just need an extra special touch to shake things up a bit and it does take some time and effort but believe me, it is worth it if it can be saved,

    Some suggestions:

    1. Date nights

    2. 'Me' date nights- having your own time to yourself is incredibly important so whether it's for a few hours or a whole day, ensure you have some quality time for yourselves, doing what YOU want to do.

    3. Communicate. Can't stress enough how important this is as most barriers can be overcome with a good heart to heart and being open and honest with each other.

    4. Remember WHY you're together in the first place. Often, if I have felt things have become a bit lackustre, I look back to when we first got together and remember how much my oh made me laugh on our first date and I bring this up and having that common ground not only gives you fond memories, but often makes you lfeel exactly as you did then.

    Whatever you decide, make sure it is the right decision for you but as my mum always used to say... what will be will be.

    And until then, enjoy it.

    Good luck. x

    jose969 [sign in to see picture]
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    You have to face the fact its over.

    Do it now, because for all you know hes planning to pop the question come christmas, do it now be the bitch over the holiday period in his eyes then move on.

    Really if you want out then there is no good time to do it so now is as good as any, that way at least you dont have to worry about those christmas presents.


    [suspended user]

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    I think its easier to work inside the relationship than outside. If its basically ok why not find ways to spice it up a bit.

    MissTerryCleavage [sign in to see picture]
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    In my experience, taking a break is never really that, it's the end of the relationship with the agony being prolonged for one party whilst the other gives themself a free pass to experience life as a single person whilst still having the comfort blanket of the poor guy/girl waiting for them to come back to when they have realised the grass generally isn't greener on the other side...

    If you feel this way, what benefit do you see a break giving you? In reality if you don't live together then you can choose not to see him for a few days/weeks if he is busy as you say this is probably quite achievable, whereas if you want to see if any other person could potentially float your boat in a more exciting way then it's not fair to keep him hanging on.

    If you love him and ordinarily enjoy being with him, is it not better to work on the relationship by communicating how you are currently feeling so that you can work on the things that are not going well together, if you don't want to do that, then I think you have your answer and rather than a break, you should be ending things and allowing him to grieve for the loss of the relationship and then move on.

    Just my opinion though after being on both sides of the aforementioned fence...

    Good luck whatever you decide

    Jimi Duro [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you are with someone or without them...

    It may seem black & white but sometimes you can view something under a Kaleidescope when you should view it under a microscope

    Dialogue with someone is so very important, its amazing how many couples dont talk about their feelings and emotions

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi guys.

    Thank you all so much for your advice. I realise that 'taking a break' isn't exactly what I want. I just need space.

    Truth be told, I don't know what the fuck to do. I love him more than anything, but after a long, emotional talk with my sister earlier today, I have accepted that I am depressed and right now, I need to try and come to terms with this myself without worrying about him. I am going to video call him later and explain. I can't do it face to face as he will be his dads house all night, and I don't want to argue or anything in front of his dad.

    I will let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 23 Jan 2012

    Hi guys.

    Again, thank you all for your amazing advice.

    I've been talking to my sister, who's boyfriend and his family have all suffered with depression for years, all in varied stages and types. I had told her yesterday about my wanting some space from my boyfriend and how I've been feeling lately and she asked if maybe I could be depressed. I confessed I had been diagnosed in the past, but ignored it, and I have simply been putting on a front ever since. We've had a massive heart to heart and I am finally accepting help- talking is a big step for me and I plan on visitng the doctors ASAP to try and get some medical help.

    So, feeling brave, I visited my boyfriend. I told him I was sorry for seeming so distant and 'off' with him recently and explained my situation. I told him that I need some space and time to be by myself. I will still talk to him daily but he needs to understand that I am still very confused and need to sort myself out before I can get back to normal with him. He understands and, while he said he feels a it helpless, is being very supportive. I suggested we go for lunch tomorrow and then I can return home by myself. I also asked if he minded if I go to a concert with some friends on Monday (He had said he wanted to come with us) without him, but instead, we can go on a date the following night perhaps.

    I never really wanted a 'break' as we all imagine it- I certainly didn' want to have my boyfriend wait around while I played around as single, but I just need some space, is what I mean.

    So...things are going ok. He is being wonderful and very understanding.

    I may not be around much for a while. I'm going to try and sort my head before Christmas, so at least I'm in a festive spirit over the holidays.

    I'm still a little confused. I feel like people might think I'm 'pretending' or making it up, but right now, I'm just going to thrust myself into a positive attitude and get the support I need. I've tried faking a positive attitude in the past and failed miserably, but hopefully now that I feel comfortable talking about things and having people listen, I can get through this as quickly as possible and get things back in shape.

    Again, thank you all for the help and advice. Much appreciated.

    AliMc [sign in to see picture]
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    Good luck! It's great that you're taking steps to get better. Pretending will only hurt yourself and your family & friends more in the long run.

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