oh dear, did I hear that right?

Hello All! well first off, I'm a Newbie here, so hi to everyone, pleased to meet you.

Just needed the thoughts of your more experienced and possibly more liberal good people!

I've been with my other half for years. Our sex life has been up and down due to issues with depression and life stresses for my boyfriend and myself, but is enjoying some resurrection ; ) at present... however, the last couple of times we've had sex, my bf has said a couple of things which confused me like 'I want you to be my slave' and last night he put his hands on my neck (gently, with no pressure) and said 'I'd like to choke you while f*cking you really hard.'

I'm not too sure how to feel about that! I know he would never hurt me, he's mortified if he elbows my boob accidentally or something, but I'm just a bit confused. He's never mentioned that before, in all these years! I just kind of said 'hey, it's ok to have fantasies baby' to make it clear that I wasn't pissed off or anything, but also at the same time, to make it clear that that's fine for a fantasy, but I'm not really up for being choked, thanks all the same.

so... should I just ask him straight up if this is a new interest? or should I just figure that he was a little drunk and disinhibited and chalk it down to experience?

night all! : )

Talk about it, you may find some common ground you can both enjoy if you set some clear ground rules. If you find there is no common ground at least you'll know you've been clear with each other what is and isn't ok and what is a turn on and off in that regard.

Its always fun to play and experiment. Theres absolutely no reason not to indulge his fantasy. It depends what you're willing to do and maybe a small gift to get conversation started would be a good idea. A pair of handcuffs perhaps? Have a little wonder through the bondage section. Theres plenty there!

I agree with Laura. You need to talk about it openly. I personally wouldn't want to be strangled during sex but some people do, though I love a bit of light bondage and a bondage beginers kit would be a good idea as an alternative.

Chances are, even if he was a bit drunk, and hasn't mentioned anything like that before, like you said, it really is a fantasy of his. Fantasies like that do take quite a bit of courage and time to talk about, even in a trusting, loving relationship.

I'm gonna second what everyone else said and say you need to talk openly about it with him. Reassure him, because he may be feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing, if it truly is something he fantasises about that took him ages to mention. Discuss what your limits are. Maybe try some light bondage, like everyone else suggested. I'd also suggest maybe trying a collar, if you feel comfortable with it - it plays into the 'slave' and the 'choking' fantasies nicely, without you having to do anything extreme or any actual breathplay at all if you don't feel like it.

I think I would be pretty freaked out if my partner had a fantasy about choking me whilst fucking me (even more so if they were stronger than me). I'd want to know what has led to his fantasy to choke and fuck someone and see if he needs some counselling perhaps. So yeah, another vote for discussing it (and keep well away from being tied up for the time being...)

Juan wrote:

I think I would be pretty freaked out if my partner had a fantasy about choking me whilst fucking me (even more so if they were stronger than me). I'd want to know what has led to his fantasy to choke and fuck someone and see if he needs some counselling perhaps. So yeah, another vote for discussing it (and keep well away from being tied up for the time being...)

There are quite a few female posters here who are into it, If I suggested it my oh would suggest a seperate bedroom while she awaits the divorce lol, everyones different. I have in the past had allsorts of violent fantasies and thats how they will remain.

Like others have said southie talk and keep within YOUR limits.

" just because your not in to it doesn't mean it's wrong,"

Sorry Ork, but I didn't say it was "wrong"

Just because you ARE into it (and that's great), doesn't mean everyone else's reaction is not valid.

Perhaps you could help the OP and say how you and your partner managed to integrate the choking idea thing into your relationship.

Sorry about the blank post above - I was on my phone and my carefully thought out reply seems to have vanished!

Anyway, thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to reply. Your thoughts have all been useful and helpful.

This isn't really something I could talk to my female friends about, as they'd probably think it was pretty weird and worrying... guess my friends and I are all pretty vanilla!! ; )

I work in a profession where I have to think about sexual offending quite a lot, which can give you lots of ideas about what is risky and abnormal, but doesn't leave much space for really thinking about what is normal and healthy. It's much easier to think of things in black and white terms. Accepting that we all have darkness and light within us, together with a million shades and nuances in in between, is difficult and it's taken me some serious thought to try to open my mind a little and not respond to my kneejerk feeling of "oh shit, that is WRONG!!!!"

You've all been very helpful in giving me some ideas to think about and I guess maybe I'll learn more about myself, as well as my bf through trying to be open and reflective about this.

Southie, I am now getting on in years but when I was younger I saw sex even with my wife (at times) a very aggressive act although I would never hurt a hair on her head. It seems to me there are three schools of thought

1 leave it as a fantasy

2 indulge your fantasies

3 find a compromise between fantasy and reality

do what is right for you as an individual and part of a couple

Myself and my OH play around with bits and pieces he might try things in the swing of it and if I don't like it I let him know, but talk openly about things, you never know what you might both be into.

Midnightlou wrote:

Myself and my OH play around with bits and pieces he might try things in the swing of it and if I don't like it I let him know, but talk openly about things, you never know what you might both be into.

sounds like us too

I'm quite open minded and we know each other well enough to know boundaries.

Personally, I would hate being choked - I don't even like being touched there - even chose shirts and dresses that do not even reach near the neck - like V-neck shaped, etc. But I do have a medical reason for that, as it turned out - my thyroid gland is enlarged and that causes the suffocating feeling I get every time even a fibre touches near my neck.

But there are people out there who find it arousing - both being choked or choking someone, of course there should be reasonable boundaries for that - after all it shouldn't jeopardize the health of the person being choked, nor be unpleasant or unwanted from them.