My other half and I nearly split up yesterday.
After over 8 years of being together and knowing each other for 14. We have always had an affectionate and above all honest relationship, many members who I chat with will recall the delight I expressed regularly on how open I have always been with her.
A week ago she found herself on the recieving end of some flattery at work and she liked it, a lot. Flattery became flirting and pretty soon the texts were flying between her and the guy from work. I do not know how steamy the messages got, she wont tell me what was said.
That night I ran her a bath for when she got in from work and had dinner ready, candles lit and was looking foward to a lovely evening. But she stayed in the bath for well over an hour, dinner had to wait and the candles burnt down while a sat on the couch alone.
Over the next few days I noticed she was jumpy about sending texts, she said it was her Dad who has a new computer and was asking for tips. I believed her of course, like a fool. She was in fact honing a skill at being very very sneaky at reading and repying to texts fertively.
I started to think something was wrong, I offered lots of cuddles and asked if everything was ok. She said everything was fine, just felt a bit unwell and had her period that was more painful than usual.
Things were still clearly not right as the week progressed and I told her I felt insecure, told her I was having bad dreams about her leaving me. She went for a long walk on her day off, usually we spend her time off very much together, we used to work with me and now she works away from me I really miss her. When she got back from her walk I said I missed her, said I was glad she looked back as she went and that I would have cried if she had not. She got angry at this, and told me I was smothering her and that some time to herself was only natural. She said the insecurity was all in my head.
I pulled myself together, put a brave face on and after an hour she suggested we go to the pub. I was not able to drink but said it would be nice, I also had to keep my car close so said I had to drive though she wanted to walk and meet me there. She did join me and we drove, laughing about the ridiculousness of driving a short distance. We had a drink in the pub, unknown to me she was texting her work buddy and arranging to meet him while out. I found out afterwards that she her texts said she was in the pub with Grumpy (me) and that she was trying to get rid of me, that I was exorting he everywhere like an over protective parent with a teenage daughter (she is in her mid 30s).
After the drink we decided to head home for dinner, she wanted to walk again but I said that was silly and she hapily got in the car saying it was raining quite hard anyway. We went home, I cooked dinner and had a nice time watching some telly and cuddling on the sofa. The whole time she was texting him, popping to the loo or waiting for me to clear plates away or get her a drink.
She then said we should go back to the pub, which suited me as I could now have a drink and leave the car. We had a lovely walk, chatted and joked. Got to the pub and sat in a corner, I noticed her pupils were huge - a sign of hapiness or arousal and commented on that being a great thing to see. But her body language was very negative, she had her legs crossed away from me and did not want to touch me, hold my hand even. I said this was worrying me and that for a while I had felt very insecure about our where our relationship was going, I said I felt like she was drifting away from me. She looked me right in eyes, did not flinch and said I was paranoid.
We left the pub, I was by now actually grumpy and had felt like stroming off. Thank GOD I did not. As we were leaving the pub her work mate walked up the street and called out, I asked if she wanted to to go back in the pub to have a drink with them. Obviously she said yes.
After a couple of drinks, too many in her case, we walked home. It was much much later than we would normally stay up. When we got home she put her phone next to the bed, I picked it up to check the time and saw a new message had arrived. It said she should go back out without me, that he had not had his kiss goodnight.
I was devastated. My world had just been ripped into two. My soul mate had betrayed me. I have always told her that she is my one true love, that I adore her and need her. Told her everything, no one living or otherwise has ever known me so completely like she does. I had told her I was worried, she had brushed me off. She lied to me time after time over the course of a week.
Since then we have talked, I have forgiven her. She is everything to me and I cannot imagine living without her. She told me that the guy watched me leave for a regualr event I go to once a week, he knew I would be going and as he watched me go he sent her a message asking if he could come round to our home. To take advantage of my absence for a few hours. She said no and didnt really think much of it, but when she told me I freaked out hugely. To my mind that is really worrying and this thread is in part about that - how would you feel if someone was watching you leave home and thinking about taking your place with your loved one?
The other purpose of this thread is just to get it out of my system, I like to write and putting things down is a cleansing experience.
But some general advice would be good, some insight into how things like this happen. The ease with which she lied to me, the total lack of conscionce in being able to see how much she was hurting me. And most of all, would she have ever told me, or stopped, had I not picked up her phone to check the time?
Writing this, I am still angry and hurt. But hopefully it will help and other things I can do will help. Suggestions welcome!
Thanks for reading this, I know it was long and grim.