After not breaking up....

My other half and I nearly split up yesterday.

After over 8 years of being together and knowing each other for 14. We have always had an affectionate and above all honest relationship, many members who I chat with will recall the delight I expressed regularly on how open I have always been with her.

A week ago she found herself on the recieving end of some flattery at work and she liked it, a lot. Flattery became flirting and pretty soon the texts were flying between her and the guy from work. I do not know how steamy the messages got, she wont tell me what was said.

That night I ran her a bath for when she got in from work and had dinner ready, candles lit and was looking foward to a lovely evening. But she stayed in the bath for well over an hour, dinner had to wait and the candles burnt down while a sat on the couch alone.

Over the next few days I noticed she was jumpy about sending texts, she said it was her Dad who has a new computer and was asking for tips. I believed her of course, like a fool. She was in fact honing a skill at being very very sneaky at reading and repying to texts fertively.

I started to think something was wrong, I offered lots of cuddles and asked if everything was ok. She said everything was fine, just felt a bit unwell and had her period that was more painful than usual.

Things were still clearly not right as the week progressed and I told her I felt insecure, told her I was having bad dreams about her leaving me. She went for a long walk on her day off, usually we spend her time off very much together, we used to work with me and now she works away from me I really miss her. When she got back from her walk I said I missed her, said I was glad she looked back as she went and that I would have cried if she had not. She got angry at this, and told me I was smothering her and that some time to herself was only natural. She said the insecurity was all in my head.

I pulled myself together, put a brave face on and after an hour she suggested we go to the pub. I was not able to drink but said it would be nice, I also had to keep my car close so said I had to drive though she wanted to walk and meet me there. She did join me and we drove, laughing about the ridiculousness of driving a short distance. We had a drink in the pub, unknown to me she was texting her work buddy and arranging to meet him while out. I found out afterwards that she her texts said she was in the pub with Grumpy (me) and that she was trying to get rid of me, that I was exorting he everywhere like an over protective parent with a teenage daughter (she is in her mid 30s).

After the drink we decided to head home for dinner, she wanted to walk again but I said that was silly and she hapily got in the car saying it was raining quite hard anyway. We went home, I cooked dinner and had a nice time watching some telly and cuddling on the sofa. The whole time she was texting him, popping to the loo or waiting for me to clear plates away or get her a drink.

She then said we should go back to the pub, which suited me as I could now have a drink and leave the car. We had a lovely walk, chatted and joked. Got to the pub and sat in a corner, I noticed her pupils were huge - a sign of hapiness or arousal and commented on that being a great thing to see. But her body language was very negative, she had her legs crossed away from me and did not want to touch me, hold my hand even. I said this was worrying me and that for a while I had felt very insecure about our where our relationship was going, I said I felt like she was drifting away from me. She looked me right in eyes, did not flinch and said I was paranoid.

We left the pub, I was by now actually grumpy and had felt like stroming off. Thank GOD I did not. As we were leaving the pub her work mate walked up the street and called out, I asked if she wanted to to go back in the pub to have a drink with them. Obviously she said yes.

After a couple of drinks, too many in her case, we walked home. It was much much later than we would normally stay up. When we got home she put her phone next to the bed, I picked it up to check the time and saw a new message had arrived. It said she should go back out without me, that he had not had his kiss goodnight.

I was devastated. My world had just been ripped into two. My soul mate had betrayed me. I have always told her that she is my one true love, that I adore her and need her. Told her everything, no one living or otherwise has ever known me so completely like she does. I had told her I was worried, she had brushed me off. She lied to me time after time over the course of a week.

Since then we have talked, I have forgiven her. She is everything to me and I cannot imagine living without her. She told me that the guy watched me leave for a regualr event I go to once a week, he knew I would be going and as he watched me go he sent her a message asking if he could come round to our home. To take advantage of my absence for a few hours. She said no and didnt really think much of it, but when she told me I freaked out hugely. To my mind that is really worrying and this thread is in part about that - how would you feel if someone was watching you leave home and thinking about taking your place with your loved one?

The other purpose of this thread is just to get it out of my system, I like to write and putting things down is a cleansing experience.

But some general advice would be good, some insight into how things like this happen. The ease with which she lied to me, the total lack of conscionce in being able to see how much she was hurting me. And most of all, would she have ever told me, or stopped, had I not picked up her phone to check the time?

Writing this, I am still angry and hurt. But hopefully it will help and other things I can do will help. Suggestions welcome!

Thanks for reading this, I know it was long and grim.

PS I asked he not to go into work today, to take a day's leave or to swap with a colleague. She refused to even ask. Though the man she has been arranging to meet is on hoiday at the moment.

Hi and thank you, on behalf of both of us as my OH is reading this when she gets chance at work today. I know your support will help her too.

I dont know how I feel about the Other Man, I would have said he was a friend until this. I know men do stupid things driven by hormones over ruling sense, I guess it just comes as a shock to learn women do too. :)

I blame him for asking if he could visit her, after watching me leave home. That is to my mind very very creepy and downright sininster and for that reason alone I will keep a very scpetical eye on anything he ever says or does again. I cant blame him for flirting though, my OH is gorgeous and brings light into any room.

Thanks again

Hiya, this is purely my opinion and view. I don't think we have a right to tell you what to do or think but it may be beneficial to consider these elements to your dilemma.

I don't think the bad guy in all of this is purely the "other guy". It takes 2 to tango, as they say. I'm sure your partner did like the attention but probably overstepped a mark from harmless flirting to something more- and this is enough justification to feel hurt and betrayed.

I find it really unfair that you had numerous times tried to talk to her about it but was left instead to feel that you were the one that was making things up in your head, feeling insecure. This is truly the bit where warning signs come up that she had lied and furthermore made you believe that you were in the wrong.

The way I view a relationship is very set. My partner and I are in a long distance relationship at present and we're a firm believer of No Cheating. This means in every sense. We tell each other everything and even though, I do at times feel insecure I always get the reassurance on the other side. However, I'm also aware that space is needed in both sides. At times it does come across that you probably do "smother" her BUT this is not justification for your partner to sway.

I think you both really need to sit down and communicate. Why did things come to this point? And how do you stop this from happening again? I highly advise having both- time together and apart so that you can feel happy in yourself as individuals as well as a couple.

Awww Noon , it must be so hard at the min for you darling .

Yes you forgive her but you need time to build back the trust up again .

Comminucation is key try not to drive yourself nuts.

I really really hope you can build again from this it will take time x

Nymeria wrote:

I don't think the bad guy in all of this is purely the "other guy". It takes 2 to tango, as they say. I'm sure your partner did like the attention but probably overstepped a mark from harmless flirting to something more- and this is enough justification to feel hurt and betrayed.

Yes, and I know that she realises now that there is a massive difference between firting and hding flirtatious behaviour and trying to find ways to do more of it more secretly.

The lying when asked straight out is the hardest thing to come to terms with. It casts doubt on everything. Would she have ever told me? Has she really stopped? Will it start again? Would it know either way?!

I love her so so so much and a good friend has told me that trust does come back with time.

I am far from perfect by the way!

Thanks KF, we will get back to where we were. I hope.

One of the things she said in explaining why she did it was because I tell her that I love her unconditionally my compliments do not carry the same weight, am I not shallow enough or is adoring someone and believening they are your soul mate a bit weird? :(

All I can do if offer sympathy. I can imagine what it must be like and pray that I am never in your situation

Noon wrote:

One of the things she said in explaining why she did it was because I tell her that I love her unconditionally my compliments do not carry the same weight, am I not shallow enough or is adoring someone and believening they are your soul mate a bit weird? :(

Not weird at all. I think it's romantic. Surely it's better to tell her you love her and to compliment her than to not say nice things? Honestly, I wish I had someone to care about me in the way you care about your partner. It's sad that she may not appreciate you as much as she should.

Thanks both.

Can anyone offer any insight into emotions when pre-menstrual?

Is it possible for all the negative emotions to be directed at one person, anger, resentment etc. And all the positive ones like lust directed to another?

Oh, that's really hard for you noon, I have been in a similar situation, he never physically met the girl though.

We are still together though, nearly two years on, things have improved between us. But I don't think they will ever be quite the same. I hope whatever happens between you that it will work out for the best.

Oh, and I don't think it's weird to think they are your soulmate either.

No idea about lust as I'm inexperienced in that area. Regarding negative emotions, I would say yes. I get very bad PMT these days and it has a tendency to be focused on one person or situation. Not a romantic partner because I don't have one, but certainly towards friends who have wound me up in one way or another even if accidentally.

Noon the girl clearly doesn't appreciate what she has. If she's stupid enough to throw away an amazing man I'l have you :P

Thanks Avrielle, I have decided to stay. It is not even an option to leave, I am nothing without her.

I dont think it will happen again and even if it did I would still be lucky to have her.

And remember this is only one view of the situation. As I say, I am far from perfect!

Thanks Laura :)

Starting to communicate again is the most hardest part. Things will get easier for you both but there needs to be 100% effort and honesty from both sides, You love her unconditionally however you shouldn't feel like a doormat either. You gave her a second chance, afterall everyone makes mistakes. Just be sure that this is a second chance and not just a free pass. Has she told you why she did what she did? knowing that can be a helpful insight. I believe that everything happens for a reason - maybe in this case that it's to bring you both closer together. I really hope that you work things out.

Butterfly-Wings wrote:

Has she told you why she did what she did? knowing that can be a helpful insight.

Thanks BW, no she has not been able to figure out why. Hence my question about PMT and if is possible that having developed anger towads me, could she then feel all the positive mood effects towards someone else.

I am worried that she has not told me what was said between them, at first she said absolutely nothing was said face to face but then said they did chat in person.

I would say that yes, unconditional love does have limits. People change and if they change so much that they no longer resemble their former selves then they can never go back. This experience has changed us both, I would have staked everything that I hold dear on the assertion that she could not lie to my face about something so inportant but she did. I am still recovering from the shock of that and my understanding of her as a person has changed forever because of it.

But I get all of my self-worth and confidence from her and her view of me, so I need her as much as I need air to breath. Without her I would not be me. Though right now I do feel pretty worthless and empty!

I pretty much agree with AA - you need some ground rules, if she knows you love her unconditionally and will do anything for her/forgive her anything then she might take advantage of that.

No one can tell you what to do as it's your life and your decision but think about it - would you still want to be with her if she had sex with another man? What kind of relationship is that, where one partner knows they can get away with anything because the other person loves them.

The one thing I will recommend is talk. Maybe ask her how she would feel if you did that to her? Cheating means different things to different people, I for one think cheating doesn't have to involve sex at all. If she withdrew herself from you and was closer to another man than you then I would see that as cheating. I know not many people see it like that, so like I said, it's your decision to make.

I hope you can work it all out as I'm sure every relationship has its ups and downs and we're all only human, bound to make mistakes. Make sure to let us know how it goes xx

Noon wrote:

Butterfly-Wings wrote:

Has she told you why she did what she did? knowing that can be a helpful insight.

Thanks BW, no she has not been able to figure out why. Hence my question about PMT and if is possible that having developed anger towads me, could she then feel all the positive mood effects towards someone else.

I am worried that she has not told me what was said between them, at first she said absolutely nothing was said face to face but then said they did chat in person.

If she doesn't know why she did it then how can she know this temptation won't happen again? For example if it was something along the lines of her wanting space to do more things- then it's workable, even if she's starting to get bored with you- it's workable (spice things up etc), or maybe she just doesn't want this? etc..

I have to agree with AA, I can understand that you have invested so much of yourself in this relationship- but you need a sense of self without her too. I'm not saying to break up- but to understand that you both need to know yourself as individuals.

As for PMT- I can get moody as hell. Can this be directed at my partner? yes- but he's aware of my irritability, poor guy. Do I be tempted by others? Hell no. If anything I'd get annoyed by a lot of people easily. My partner, like you, is understanding when I am in a mood, why would I be pushed away by this warmth?

It's not fair for you to look for "excuses" for her. She needs to acknowledge what she has done and the reasons why. It's going to take a while to build up the trust again, but if you sweep things over it doesn't "fix" the issue. I doubt also if you would be able to effectively get rid of this situation away from your mind too. Communication is key.

Hope that helps.