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  1. HeIp - painful sex

    JJS [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 2
    • Joined: 22 Oct 2011

    I'm hoping someone will be able to offer me some very much needed advice. I'm 32 and have not been able to have sex despite many attempts with a couple of different partners over the years. I get awful pain, not even bearable. I find it so hard to relax because I just know that it is going to hurt.

    In the past i've been told you need to make sure you're turned on ect... and this is also proving a problem. I've long been a fan of bunny ear vibrators (a god send for someone who can't have sex!) but I think I may have desensitized myself - because I just don't get turned on by oral, fingering just ends up being uncomfortable ect...

    Maybe it's all down to the fact i've not been with the right person, but I think the problem lies within me and i'm desperate to seek an answer to my problems. I really, really want a sex life and to not dread it.

    Any advice would be very gratefully recieved!

    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 390
    • Joined: 9 Jul 2010

    Hello, welcome to Lovehoney

    Sorry to ask the obvious but have you been to see your gp about this?

    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    Hi JJS, welcome to the forum.

    I'm sorry to hear you've been having a difficult time of it but feel sure some of the ladies here will be able to help.

    When you say you use bunny ear vibrators, do you mean you're able to achieve penetration alone or do you mean you use the bunny ears for clitoral stimulation?

    I don't believe that it's possible to desensitize yourself. What may happen is that your expectations change - you get used to becoming stimulated quickly by vibrators & get impatient of waiting when not using them?

    I'd certainly recommend getting some lubricant if you don't already own some (makes everything more fun) as much for your enjoyment when masturbating as anything else.

    In terms of having sex, I'd try to take the pressure off yourself - I'm not medically qualified but feel fairly certain that anticipating the pain will make you dry up, tense up & this might be part of the problem. There are plenty of other acts you can give and receive that you'll get as much pleasure and intimacy from.

    It would definitely be worth consulting a doctor as there may be a physical cause for the pain you experience - some of the ladies on our forum have joint problems, connective tissue disorders, arthiritis etc that can contribute to discomfort/pain during intercourse.

    Good luck, I look forward to seeing you around

    CCW x

    JJS [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 2
    • Joined: 22 Oct 2011

    Boobaloo - I've seen the nurse about it, there isn't a physical reason why I can't have sex and there is no underlying problem other than my tension and inability to relax myself, my muscles lock and go into contraction and just will not ease. They suggested lubricant (which I have used), obviously masturbation, and just patience.

    CCW - I think you are right when you say that I have become to used to intense quick stimulation given by vibrators. I find even inserting a vibrator is painful, so I generally use the ears just for clitoral stimulation. I just worry that unless I can relax enough just to be able to enjoy and get turned on by foreplay, im just never ever going to relax enough to actually have sex.

    It's not easy to overcome because I haven't had many partners and am currently single and so trying to find and build a new relationship and then broach and deal with this on top - it's kind of overwhelming, and i'm sure not something a man wants to come up against! I think it's just become a huge barrier in my head.

    Thank you for your advice though :o)

    EskimoKisser [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 119
    • Joined: 10 Dec 2009

    I'd certainly go the route of talking to your GP or Obgyn, though you dont describe the pain.

    Have you tried a lubricant? maybe your body doesnt lubricate you as much as would be the case normally?
    and without getting stressed, have to tried to test your tolerence with using an internal toy? You wouldnt be as stressed as any kind of pain or discomfort and you can stop, start small and well lubricated and if that doesnt cause too much discomfort, you can build up.

    All of that said, GPs would be able to give you a far better reading on this and would know how to tell for anything that might actually be wrong. They see this kind of stuff daily and wont be phased by any question or detail you tell them. I cant imagine youre the first person to ever have this problem

    Geordie_Paul [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 40
    • Joined: 10 Jan 2009

    Hi JJS,

    Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry to hear about your problem, you should hopefully get plenty of good advice here!!

    Now usually I wouldn't recommend this but have you tried consuming alcohol prior to intercourse/masturbation? I am not saying go out and get paraletic and sleep with somebody because that is wrong! I did, however, mean have you tried having a nice long relaxing bath with some relaxing music and a couple (or more lol) glasses of vino? I only suggest this because we all know how Alcohol can help us to relax and lose our inhibitions and this may assist!!

    Hope this helps,


    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    Hey JJS and welcome to the forums.

    I have painful sex and always have so I hope I can give you some useful advice.

    Firstly - you need referring to a gynae. They can tell you exactly what is causing the pain (for me - my nerves recognised pressure as pain - then because I had the pain so long my body started tensing in preparation for the pain which made the pain worse) so even if there's no "physical" reason, there may be a reason. Your gynae can also teach you how to deal with it - whether kegal exercises will help, whether it's worth you trying some dilators. I've been given topical local anaesthetic in the past to try along with other things so there is a lot of things the medics can do to help - don't let them fob you off with "patience and get used to it".

    Secondly - I really recommend trying kegal exercises. It seems counter-intuitive but actually this helps you to stop tensing your muscles as it helps your body realise the difference between tensed and relaxed and helps you to relax the muscles. I squeeze tight for ten seconds then release for ten seconds and repeat ten times twice a day. Do them in a really relaxing position, lay in bed or in the bath and relax whilst doing them and take your time.

    I also really do recommend a good lubricant during all penetration - I can't have sex without it and it really does help so it's worth the investment. Have a look the forums for some suggestions on what's good and don't be embarrassed about using lube - everyone uses it these days!

    Definitely make sure any sexual partner you have really understands - explain to them that sex is very painful but you want to keep trying - if they're not willing to try and take things slow they're not worth sleeping with. You need to do your kegal exercises before sex and build up gradually, relax, take your time, start with fingers or small toys and build up to his penis. Once he's fully inside do another kegal squeeze and relax before continuing - take your time to adjust to him being inside you and if it's too painful, move on to oral and don't stress about it, try again next time.

    Learn that good sex isn't about penetration, it's about pleasure! And there are plenty of ways you can have that without penetration - taking the pressure off will help no end!

    I've written a short blog post on this subject here so have a read and see if it helps:


    But definitely - see a doctor about a referral to a gynae. It really will help you immensely!

    Good luck,


    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2214
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010


    I am sorry for your problem. I do suggest you get a proper check up.

    I am finding, that Kegels do work. I am very tight and anything too big too soon will cause me pain and I did tense up a lot in the past, as my first time was a nightmare - I had very firm hymen and I bleeded for 2 days afterwards and I was tight - the worst combination ever. Over time I started to explore first with external toys, then slowly moved to internal. Something very slim, like 1 inch in diametr was good way to start. But with Kegels I am finding I can get to 4.5 inches circumference, as you get more control over the musles while doing the exercises and you can relax more during insertion. I am lucky enough to be able to use Kegel exerciser, but you can do it the way Alicia says. I have been doing it that way for years.

    For insertion I am finding glass goes in most easily. As it is sooo sleak.

    I own this one http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=11681 and when I did not use anything for insertion for a while I am finding this to be a good start. I think there is even more slender one.

    Also I found out, that lubes with glycerine are causing me trush issues, so I use Sliquid and Lelo. The Lelo is bit more expensive, but I have the bottle since erh mid August and while in regular use it still has some lube in it. And thats the smaller bottle. You can also try silicone lube, but if you use silicone toys, do make a test before using it, to check they dont react to each other.

    I hope you find some help soon. Best of luck.

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