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  1. Dating

    HellsBells72 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 89
    • Joined: 29 Sep 2010


    A few months ago, my ex-bf dumped me in a manner which has left me pretty emotionally scarred, and 4 months on, it's time to move on. I met someone (on eharmony) and met him for lunch, but there was no spark, He was perfectly nice, but just no spark. I'm meeting him again at the weekend, but what if there's no spark again?

    I don't want to be on my own long-term. I like being part of a relationship (and all that comes with it - good and bad).

    I'm pretty damn scared now.

    Miss teach&nurse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 322
    • Joined: 23 Feb 2011

    Meet him again - maybe your nerves had the best of you? A second meet might help be more relaxed and time can be spent really getting to know each other. However if there is no spark then there is no point in trying to find something to try and make a relationship work.

    He just isn't right for you. Enjoy dating and having a little fun (i don't necc. mean sex) not every guy will be right for you and 4 months aint long term, a year aint long term and 2 years aint even long term.

    You need to learn to enjoy ur own company and the freedom that comes with being single..... Mr. Right will turn up x x x

    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    Hi HellsBells

    Sorry to hear you've been through a rough time.

    I met three men through internet dating.

    The first was charming, clever, had a good job, nice car, was generous & friendly but did absolutely nothing for me, no spark at all - I didn't date him again but we kept in contact for a little while, interested in how each other was getting on.

    The second similarly did nothing for me.

    The third guy... well, I married him.

    Just because people tick all the theoretical boxes, and look perfect on paper doesn't mean you'll fancy them. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him, or you. I wouldn't force a relationship with someone you don't fancy, I don't believe that's fair on either of you, but by all means be friends with the guy so long as he knows where he stands.

    Whilst I firmly believe I've got the best guy who was or ever will be online dating, that doesn't mean you shouldn't stick with it. There will be someone out there who takes your breath away. It just might not be the first guy you meet.

    Good luck with it

    CCW x

    MissTerryCleavage [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 893
    • Joined: 1 Feb 2010

    Dating is a numbers game, you're not going to fall for everyone you meet, nor will they fall for you, it's about having fun and seeing what's out there, enjoying spending time with someone and seeing what happens.

    If you start mentioning the R word too early most blokes will run for the hills, and if they don't you might want to wonder what's wrong with them.... lol... Don't go rushing in, play the field, that is dating, not sex with em all, go out, see different places etc, and find someone who you really like, not someone who happens to be available, don't settle....

    Exactly like Miss T&N says, learn to enjoy your own company, 4 months out of a relationship isn't long, heal properly first....

    I say this as someone who has been single for 2 years now, yes have had flings with guys, some lasted a fair while and we had some great laughs, but ultimately I have quite a list of criteria that for me are non-negotiable when it comes to a relationship, and if the guy doesn't like it, then adios to him... None of them are unreasonable I might add.... I put up with a bad relationship for far too long cos I thought it was all I deserved, finally now I know that's not the case and am happy to wait for the right guy but have fun in the meantime.... But yes I do get down at times, but then think about all the bad sides of relationships and that makes me feel much better, haha!

    Good luck, relax and enjoy :)

    HellsBells72 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 89
    • Joined: 29 Sep 2010

    The thing is "J" just wasn't anyone.

    He was the person who took me away from my abusive marriage (my knight in shining armor if you like), he took us (me and my children) into his home while we found somewhere to live, he gave me a freedom that I never had before, and gave me confidence sex-wise that I didn't have before.

    He changed me fundamentally, all in good ways. And our relationship might only have lasted 2 years, but I knew him for a good year prior to that, and the effects of our relationship will probably be life-long.

    He wasn't just someone I met in a bar one night and hooked-up with.

    He was the person who convinced me to pack a bag and leave my husband after years of abuse and took me out of that situation.

    So no, he's not just anyone, losing him was more than losing a boyfriend. Losing him was like losing part of my identity.

    Maybe I'm not ready to move on.

    I feel empty without him. I feel like there's a huge void in my life.

    MissTerryCleavage [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 893
    • Joined: 1 Feb 2010

    It doesn't sound to me like you are ready to move on at all, you need to deal with the situation you are in, it's great he did all that for you, of course it is, and you will always have those memories and gratitude etc, that won't change, and until you deal with those feelings you have and reconcile them, it's not fair on any new guy as you will be measuring them up to what right now is an unattainable pedestal that 'J' was on.

    However, without meaning to sound harsh cos I don't mean it that way, he clearly wasn't the perfect guy for you if he has broken up with you. I was always told people enter our lives for a reason, to do a job as it were, some stay and some go when the job is done, maybe his job was to free you from your misery and give you confidence to move on, he's done that, his job is done, and now the next chapter of your life can begin? I know that sounds a bit like mumbo-jumbo, but there could be something in it?

    It will all come good, heal, and find yourself first, then look at dating.

    Good luck x

    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 522
    • Joined: 26 Sep 2010


    I kind of understand what you mean about being empty and not ready to be alone, I was married for 13 years before I was widdowed. It took me 3 years to be ready to face dating. I was lucky I met my OH online, had spoken to a few people but he was the first I had met up with. We shouldnt work, we are too different to work but it does, but only because the spark was there. The chemistry between us was right and I have grown so much in the time we have been together.

    Settling for someone because you are too scared of being alone does you no favours and isnt fair to them. The way I see it the next person who walks into your life could be 'the one'.

    You havent been alone that long and you need to give yourself time to heal from the break up, time to spend with your kids and to build a life on your own. There is always someone here to vent to if it gets too much to deal with on your own


    Miss teach&nurse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 322
    • Joined: 23 Feb 2011

    *massive cuddles to Hells Bells*

    I think u need to find yourself, find who you are and do some self discovery. 'J' gave u ur life back and helped you to discover yourself but now its time to venture out on your own and do a little more of this all by ur beautiful self!

    Find strength and courage to be on your own and not needing to be in a relationship to be secure. I think your simply not ready for a new relationship..... Ask yourself when was the last time you were truly on ur own and completely dependant on yourself? Its scary if all you have known for a while is relationships!

    Single life really does have its perks x x x

    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 689
    • Joined: 15 Sep 2010

    I'd say that these lovely people have the right idea.

    It sounds like the relationship you were just in changed you on a fundamental level. You're a different person now than you were before you met him, and you - the new and improved Hells Bells - have never been single before. So you need to re-discover yourself. Find out what you like to do; find out if you still like the things you used to enjoy when you were young.

    Catch up with friends - you're likely to find even old friends behave differently around you if you're single rather than as part of relationship. Make new friends too - internet dating isn't all about sex and marriage, you might find people who you don't fancy but who share your interests and have a lot of free time: Bingo! Instant friend!

    Above all, use this time to work out what you want from life. A career? Money? Nice house and car? Time to yourself? Communing with nature? Travel? Pets?

    Now it's just you, with nothing to tie you down (so to speak) you can begin to plan how to get to where you want to be. Education courses might help with career prospects or hobbies. If you plan to travel, pick a place and start saving. Or just spend some time being you.

    If you look on any future partner as someone who can share your life, rather than provide you with a life, I promise you'll have a more fulfilling and mutually enjoyable relationship.When and if you finally meet that person.

    Until then, have fun, go out, see the world, be yourself. Romance and excitement will come to you if you're open to them, and probably at the most awkward time. Just when you're getting comfortable with yourself as a person, Bam! there's someone who thinks you're pretty great as well.

    Good luck.


    Miss B [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 12
    • Joined: 11 Jan 2011

    There are some clever, clever people on here and I agree with all but most fully with Miss Cleavage and Mr Monster :D xx

    twinkle154 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 26
    • Joined: 9 Mar 2011

    I am single after 6 years of splitting up and now divorced. I have dated and had some fun but it took me 5 years to get into dating. There is no rush to get back out there. Enjoy your time on your own and as others have said meet up with friends. It does get easier as time goes on it's a bit like a bereavement you go through different stages until you come out the other side of it.

    Good uck


    paradise found [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 81
    • Joined: 18 Jan 2010

    Mr Monster, you do write some brilliant posts.

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