1. Unwanted or just too much?

    Blue Sapphire [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 33
    • Joined: 14 Mar 2011

    Hi Everyone,

    I am really hoping someone out there can give me some help and advice. On the face of things we have a very happy marriage but somehow the sex has never been all that great for us. I have never had another partner so for quite some time I was maybe too shy and inexperienced for him but he always managed to take the lead alright. We also had some major issues with me feeling very much second best to porn but we agreed a while back that I would try and put all that behind us. The biggest problem now is that since we completed our family my sex drive has shot through the roof and it seems like his has plummeted, that or he really isnt attracted to me at all.

    We have had flashes of fantastic but they have been short lived and few. I have started trying to initiate things alot more recently and sometimes things work out but I am often given the brush off too. I have ordered 2 selection boxes of toys from LH to try and liven things up but one of the boxes is still unopened and the other has had very little use by us as a couple.

    So what I really want to know is can anyone give me some advice or am I completely on my own with this problem? I love my husband but I dont want either of us to spend our entire lives having mediocre sex without the fun and excitement that I for one crave so desperately.

    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 571
    • Joined: 13 Jul 2010

    Hi Blue,

    firstly I'd like to say I'm sorry you are having troubles.

    My own situation is a bit different, as my drive is far higher than my wifes. I've gone through long periods of not being able to initiate anything sex wise for fear of rejection. Its still hard for me even now.

    I also share the fear that my OH will only ever want "mediocre sex", especially when things slow down as they inevitibly do.

    I wish you the best, and hope that others here can give you some suggestions to help make things better between the 2 of you.

    Postillionager [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 216
    • Joined: 24 Apr 2010

    This might sound a bit daunting, but have you considered seeing Relate? I don't know how your partner might feel about it, but this is the sort of thing they can help with. Ideally you would both see them together, but you can contact them on your own at first to get advice and take it from there.

    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 377
    • Joined: 9 Jul 2010

    Hiya Blue

    I am with you, my sex drive has gone through the roof since having the kids and although unlike you at the moment we do have alot of sex, I can still be to much for my oh sometimes, I have had to learn to sit back and to listen to him when he says no, its hard cos I always want it, the feeling just doesn't go, but I know my oh will never be like that and he needs a bit of space.

    we did have a period last year when it felt like all he did was push me away he wasn't interested and I started to get very frustrated and upset, it is hard but we found that by talking about things and me trying really hard to back off and give him the space that he needs and him putting in the effort to try not to push me away as much we got back on track.

    I hope you manage to get back on track, I dont think that its unusual for this to happen and there are a few members on here that have been through simular things, if you ever need to chat Im online aaaalllll the time, just add me xx

    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2511
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    From what I can work out, this has happened to several people on here.

    My sex life can be a bit difficult at times, most people go to bed late in my house but the OH sometimes has to get up at 5, which leaves very little time for anything sexual. Also having problems with an uncomfortable feeling during penetration but that seems to have gone down now.

    We do have quite a lot of different toys, such as bondage, male toys, dildos, vibes and anal toys. I also have some sexy outfits and underwear.

    The OH and I talk about everything, even if there is a problem, I believe communication and trust are the foundations of a good solid relationship. Have you tried talking to him about things?

    Perhaps you could try and get him interested in sex again, like reading erotica, sexy massages, light bondage, teasing, couple friendly toys, acting out fantasties...

    Hope this helps.

    MM xx

    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 333
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Talk , talk and more talk

    Is he low, depressed , always tired? Is he unhappy with his body as you both get older perhaps?

    Many many reasons. Sit together in a comfortable relaxing environment that you know he will enjoy and gently discuss. Tell him how you feel. We've done this following advice of people on here and it worked. We've tried new things together, if she's not in the mood she now understands that I'm ok with that but I need to come so I'll go off by myself. She is less threatened by porn now that she gets why I enjoy it and it often really turns her on now.

    See if there is anything sexually he really wants to try that you haven't.

    Sex toys are an odd thing to introduce. Some men and women can feel threatened and insecure at their partner using them so again knowing how it makes him feel can help.

    A lot of people on here have suggested writing it down in a letter as often the pause as you write gives time to word it more carefully and say what you want but without causing offense.

    The fact that you want sex with your partner still is great and that your seeking help tells me that you'll get there in the end

    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3332
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    BP is right, you need to talk. You need to understand what his feelings are - does he not feel like sex much, does he find it difficult to get aroused, is he stressed or tired?

    Maybe he isn't attracted to you but that doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive - the reason I say this example is because you need to try and not get offended at all, he needs to feel he can be completely honest with you for you to move forward and if your biggest fear is that he's no longer attracted to you then you need to prepare yourself for hearing this and understanding what it means...

    If his sex drive is low it's possible that he doesn't find you attractive just by looking at you, perhaps he's got so used to you being around. But he will still think of you as attractive, he just needs to reconnect those thoughts with his physical feelings (fantasy, role play, dressing up can all emphasise your attractiveness to him and remind him how much he appreciates you physically and mentally...sometimes you need kicking out of the mental rut and you should try not to take that personally).

    If that's the worst case senario and you can realise that that doesn't mean he's not attracted to you, he's just forgotton how to appreciate it, then you can talk openly about it. But it's very likely that that isn't the case - as BP said there are so many reasons for a loss of sex drive and so many solutions so with honest, open discussion you can get to the bottom of the cause and then try to solve it,

    Every relationship is different - for me and my OH, I find it incredibly difficult to get aroused, so we've discussed it, he understands that it's not his fault and we've come to a way of dealing with it....we have a happy and active sex life despite this because we both realise how important sex is to the happiness of our relationship so we both work equally to maintain and enjoy it. It's a fine balance that requires understanding and equal aims.

    All the best


    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 417
    • Joined: 27 Jan 2009

    Blue Sapphire wrote:

    So what I really want to know is can anyone give me some advice or am I completely on my own with this problem?

    You're definitely not on your own with this problem. As others have said, the three most important points are communication, communication and more communication.

    My wife and I have different levels of sex drive and this has caused us a few tensions and misunderstandings in the past. The main difference between us is that I'm driven by a regular need for sex, whereas my wife likes it but doesn't need it, so she tends to leave it to me to initiate. That's fine when I'm feeling upbeat and confident, but if I'm a bit low then I tend to hold back and hope to receive some sort of signal from my wife that she's interested, so that I can put aside the idea that I'm being selfish. This can become a vicious circle as the lack of sex and my growing perception that my wife is happy without sex fuels my downbeat state. On the other hand, my wife may assume that because I'm not asking for sex, I'm not in the mood for it or I'm content to do without.

    My wife and I have talked about this mismatch and, whilst I wouldn't say that we've entirely cracked the problem, we at least understand our different perspectives better. We know that what doesn't work is for me to reach a point of frustration and for my wife then to feel "guilt-tripped" into sex which is unsatisfactory for both of us. One thing that seems to help, though, is that we more regularly give each other more kisses, cuddles and other gestures of affection. These seem to "stoke the fire" for both of us during the day and make it more natural and easy for us to follow up with sex later on.

    I hope that helps a bit. Good luck!

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