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  1. advice\ thoughts please

    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    sospiri wrote:

    I note what you say, Alicia, if only life were that simple. Batch has already gone beyond the platonic friendship point and had sex with the new woman on quite a few occasions! Several of us have suggested that he puts some proper effort into redeeming his marriage, and in order to do that, he needs to be sure he is not leading the new woman up the garden path by making any sort of commitment regarding a future together, and that the casual sex, etc., needs to stop right now!

    To begin a redemption process and at the same time carry on with the new woman would be highly immoral.

    Removing the right of the wife to make the decision on staying with a cheater - in my opinion, whether simple or not is morally wrong. She did not get married to a cheater - removing her right to decide on staying in a marriage with a cheater is wrong.

    One off occassion and tbf I'd rather my OH didn't tell me because I'd forgive him anyway (in certain circumstances that he understands) but repeated cheating is a completely different matter. It is disrespectful not to tell her.


    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    Of course, aside from the moral debate. The health debate is another issue.

    Have you had sex with both since you found this woman, was protection used etc...?

    If you have had sex with both then you certainly have a duty to tell your wife, although unlikely you could have infected someone with something, even if you are clear (although very very unlikely) you could pass something on with out catching it yourself.

    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
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    • Joined: 14 Jan 2009

    Tell your wife. Also be aware that having 'ended' things with the other woman if she is a 'family friend' she may well get there before you do.

    How long have you been using the two women to satisfy your wants? Material and sexual. Be honest with yourself, because this is not a fantasy where everyone lives happily ever after, you don't have kids but the mistress does, if the husband is abusive then why has she not left for their sake rather than screwed around while staying with him? Considering the apparent ages what will you do if in a couple of years the 'new girl' goes off sex for hormonal reasons, because finding another one isn't a long term solution. And after 17 years why did you choose now to have an affair, has anything changed or have you just given up on your marriage? If the latter then I think you have your answer. You seem to value neither woman as an individual but only according to what they can provide you with, have the guts to be honest with yourself and with them without trying to dress up what you are doing to them and with them as something more noble.

    Yoko [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 8 Jan 2011

    One thing you haven't mentioned is a good reason to be with either woman. Do you actually love either one?

    Do you feel any emotional connection to your wife at all? I get the impression from your post that the biggest problem you have as a couple is the lack of a sex life, but is it just that or is there more to it?

    If you had a reasonable sex life, would you have had the affair? Is this your only affair in 17 years (I'm not asking this in order to judge you; I'm asking it because if you've had previous affairs it would tend to suggest that there are deeper problems in your relationship).

    Gotta say though (and I realise its too late now), I'd be very wary getting involved with someone who is currently in an abusive relationship; that poor woman must have some serious self-esteem and other issues to work through. What she's feeling now might just be a reaction to her perception of you as kind, caring or whatever. If her husband is abusing her, she may well find it very hard to remain objective when she meets someone who doesn't abuse her and makes her feel cared for. Such a man could well be elevated in her mind. In other words, be careful; just because she loves you now and the sex is great, does not mean to say she will in a year or beyond.

    Ultimately, you have to decide whether there is anything worth salvaging in your marriage. If you were to imagine your life in 10 or 20 years time, would you want your wife to be part of it? If you could work out your relationship problems (either with open communication, counselling or whatever) do you see a future for you both as a couple?

    Mr Tall [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 60
    • Joined: 16 Nov 2010

    thank you all of for such honest and heart felt reply's far to many for me to reply to but rest assured they have all been read 3 times at least and digested Batch
    mtunreal69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 25
    • Joined: 9 Jan 2009

    Buddy, the moral heart strings should be tugging. I ain't no captain of the moral high ground, and understand the dilemma of being stuck in a relationship that has time invested into it, but give it up. It's hard to morally justify shagging another women when already involved, but testing the water may of been the only way to realise whether you still love your wife. By the response i'm guessing you wanna ditch the old lady and run away with the pretty temptress but your purse strings are attached to your wife's mittens.

    Clearly your not riding yours wife's vagina but her wallet - way off side dude, buck up in that department and your wife may treat you once in awhile. All in all apart from the moral adjustment and pursuit of happy, good luck buddy, I know these situations ain't always and clear cut, being easy for any outsider to accurately diagnose. You gotta do what you gotta do, but treat the women with respect, otherwise no one will want you!

    Peace out and much love, mt

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