• My turn for help

    1288039260
    Doug [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 528
    • Joined: 4 Jun 2010

    So seen a fair few people turn to LH for help, and I kinda need some advise so here goes.

    So going back about 3 months, in a long distance relationship (like Australia long distance) and had been for a significant period of time, and we had it working for us. Then I went to Africa for just under a month, no contact with the internet etc, and obvs no contact with my OH in auz. I get back and have an email saying “we need to talk” Turns out that she had been sleeping with a fair few other guys while I was away. Heartbreak, but I still had a life to live, that’s not the issue.

    A few days ago got an email along the lines of “I really fucked up, I still love you, I didn’t know what I good thing I had till I lost it, can you forgive me” Now I know that if it was someone else the advise I would give would be, hell no, but I never truly got over her. The thing is I get moments where I feel like everything will work out and be all Hollywood, but also I get massive feelings of doubt, that even though her feelings are probably genuine, there were before as well and what’s not to say she won’t go do it again.

    Any advise would be welcome, cheers

    xxx

    1288039828
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    Were it me in the same position, I'd be inclined to forgive it. She's obviously sorry for what she's done. It's impossible to say what was going through her mind at the time, but the trouble with LDRs is that if you take away the contact, you have nothing at all. Trust me, some women can turn a little crazy when we're away from our partners, I speak from experience! She may have felt she couldn't handle the pressures of a LDR any more, but once she'd gone off with other people she realised the mistake she'd done.

    I can't promise you she won't do it again, but while you say she was genuine before, she has experience now in how awful it feels to cheat on you, so if she is still serious about you she won't put you both through it again. She realises she's made a mistake. It's up to you now to figure out whether it's worth losing what you had over that.

    1288040454
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    I don't agree with Ecks here. I'd be more likely to take it as an opportunity to not put yourself through more potential heartache and worrying.

    I think you need to look at in in the widest context and then narrowest. There are many questions to ask yourself not limited to these. I won't pass too strong a judgement, after all you know your relationship best.

    Does long distance really work for you? Is it too far?

    Will anything stop it happening again?

    How long have you spent together before LD? Do you really know what she would be like as a no-LD GF?

    Does it being a 'few guys' make her less trustworthy? You really do need trust.

    Is it even worth it? You don't really see her, do you or her intend to move in the future?

    Is long distance denying you other opportunities that would make you just as happy? Were you only together just because.

    Can you be sure of her feelings? Could she just be sad or upset or guilty?

    Of course there are many more questions but a negative answer for me to some of the above would be deal breakers. I hope you are well Doug.

    1288040655
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2582
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    If it was me, I'd ignore her. She had her chance she blew it, she didnt apologise quickly so the chances are her flings have lost interested and so shes come back. I could never forgive anyone for cheating.

    However, you have to do what feels right. One thing is that once people have cheated a lot cheat again.

    1288040772
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    A LDR absolutely has to rely on trust - it's hard enough to come back from the broken trust caused by cheating in a "normal" relationship. It'd be near on impossible to build it up again in an LDR. Every time she doesn't text you, you'll think she's with another boy and every time you go out she'll be thinking how easy it was for her and worry you'll be doing the same thing she did.

    Personally, I'd chalk it up to experience and move on.

    The fact that she couldn't wait a month to talk to you about how she was feeling rather than cheating on you says a lot to me. It's not like she did it once, regretted it and waited to speak to you before anything else happened - that'd be the kind of thing I could forgive personally. Instead she acted as though you didn't matter for a month and repeatedly cheated on you. Is that something you can forgive?

    How can you be sure it's not just convenient for *her* to be with you? What are you getting from the relationship?

    I hope this doesn't sound harsh hun - I just see some pretty big alarm bells in what you've said and I don't want to see you get hurt - that said, you know your relationship and her best!

    Adx

    1288041050
    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1796
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2008

    Hiya Doug. Coming from someone who's head has been shit on. . . Have you shagged around whilst in this relationship? Probably not. Why did she sleep around with a few guys and not just one? In my experience these people will do it again at some stage even if years later. I would say thanks but no thankyou and get on with my life. But that's just cold hearted bastard me! You only shit on me once, never again mate! Hope you get what you want out of this. SG

    1288041168
    chipNroll [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 257
    • Joined: 3 Aug 2010

    I've been in similar positions where someone LD cheated and then wanted me back later. I felt similar to you- battling between my head and my heart and feeling different about it from day to day. In the end I went with my head and decided that a little bit of heartbreak now (I'd already been through the worst of it anyway) was better than longterm heartbreak/worry. I didn't see the point of undoing all the work I'd done up until that point getting over him only to set myself up to have to do the same again.

    Plus deep down I knew he was a dick and was kinda relieved to be free.

    Every situation is different but personally I don't put up with cheating and don't like to trust my emotional well-being in someone who is willing to jeopardise it for a shag.

    1288041774
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    If it was one mistake, I reckon I'd try to forgive it.

    I've cheated in a past relationship & I can understand that when you feel lonely & neglected a mistake can happen.

    In my case the gut-wrenching guilt kicked in immediately & I was physically ill for a week afterwards from guilt and remorse. I still hate the thought of what I did.

    In my case it made me resolute that I'd never do anything like it again to any partner (or to myself on a selfish note).

    That relationship ended fairly soon after (it was a relationship that was far from right before I messed it up further, he subsequently cheated on me).

    My opinion is thus: If she's learnt from her mistake and your relationship was good to start with then I think it can work. If she's an habitual cheater or your relationship was already on shaky ground this could be the escape you need.

    Not really a yes or a no, sorry

    CCW x

    1288042193
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    CurlyCoupleWife wrote:

    If it was one mistake, I reckon I'd try to forgive it.

    I think the issue here is though - that it's not "one" mistake - it's "a fair few" mistakes.

    In my opinion that's one of the most important things to factor that into the decision.

    Adx

    1288042912
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    CurlyCoupleWife wrote:

    If it was one mistake, I reckon I'd try to forgive it.

    I think the issue here is though - that it's not "one" mistake - it's "a fair few" mistakes.

    In my opinion that's one of the most important things to factor that into the decision.

    Adx

    True - attention to detail is failing me today, apologies

    1288043107
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2582
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    Another thing that doesnt ring true if shes honestly, why wait at least a month before apologising? And the more than one cheat aswell.

    1288044607
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    MasqueradeMinx wrote:

    Another thing that doesnt ring true if shes honestly, why wait at least a month before apologising? And the more than one cheat aswell.

    That's something that would bother me. She could claim she's 'realised' how important the relationship was or she could just feel lonely or guilty.

    1288044717
    Doug [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 528
    • Joined: 4 Jun 2010

    Thanks for your opinions/advise, much apriciated

    1288044783
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    P.S. hugs to Doug - that's a crappy thing to experience followed by a complete head-scramble for good measure. You seem so calm about it; I admire you

    x

    1288045438
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    Doug wrote:

    Thanks for your opinions/advise, much apriciated

    I hope some of it appears useful. Remember this decision is about you.

    1288045561
    Doug [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 528
    • Joined: 4 Jun 2010

    WandA wrote:

    Doug wrote:

    Thanks for your opinions/advise, much apriciated

    I hope some of it appears useful. Remember this decision is about you.

    i know, but sometimes its useful to have an outsiders opion, and to look at things for a differnt perspective

    1288045724
    berrytree [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 19
    • Joined: 25 Oct 2010

    dont know if i could take her back but then im not you at the end of the day you will be the one who lives with your choice my only thing would be if your future leaves you apart for long times how will your mind be cos the mind can play some awfull tricks

    Good luck with it hope it all works out ok

    1288045991
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    Doug wrote:

    WandA wrote:

    Doug wrote:

    Thanks for your opinions/advise, much apriciated

    I hope some of it appears useful. Remember this decision is about you.

    i know, but sometimes its useful to have an outsiders opion, and to look at things for a differnt perspective

    Sorry, I know it's useful to have the opinion of others but I meant you should only make this decision based on your well being. Not the well being of someone else.

    1288053283
    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1796
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2008

    Just as a side note to my comment earlier. . . .

    I found out today (after my comment!) that my ex who had pissed off to Staffordshire roughly 8 weeks ago with her fella to whom she has a three year old boy. . . .has only gone. . . .and give the poor bastard the elbow, he's now back in Liverpool with his parents and she (I say she I mean evil twat) is already with someone else! The lad phoned me devastated this evening asking for advice on seeing his son. I did warn him when I first met him. . . .8 years ago.

    Once a thief. . . .

    1288053775
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    SEXYGET 69 wrote:

    Just as a side note to my comment earlier. . . .

    I found out today (after my comment!) that my ex who had pissed off to Staffordshire roughly 8 weeks ago with her fella to whom she has a three year old boy. . . .has only gone. . . .and give the poor bastard the elbow, he's now back in Liverpool with his parents and she (I say she I mean evil twat) is already with someone else! The lad phoned me devastated this evening asking for advice on seeing his son. I did warn him when I first met him. . . .8 years ago.

    Once a thief. . . .

    Oh dear - I really hope your lad manages to keep in touch with his half brother!

    I bet your fuming - not only has she "reoffended" but also affecting all of her children especially when 2 of them are yours too!

    At least your lad is mostly protected from her now and has the influence of a good parent in yourself!

    Adxx

    Thread closed

    This thread is closed, so no new messages can be posted.