£1.29 Next Day delivery! Hurry ends in ...
  1. things not as they were...

    1286817828
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    I'm probably not the only one, but i've recently been having issues with my OH :/

    I've been with him nearly 8 months (it doesn't seem a lot but it's my longest!) and we have had problems before. He always says things like "you can do better than me" and it makes me wonder if it's worth it, but then everything is great again!

    I really care about him but I wonder if this rollercoaster is doing any good for either of us!

    I could really do with some advice guys, Help please!!

    Bx

    1286818033
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2581
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    Hello again

    I have a few ups and downs with the OH but nothing too bad. However he always says he can do better and I have a few times wondered if it was worth it.

    Neither of us have a lot of confidence but he just thinks well I am me and I am changing things.

    Sorry I couldnt be of much help, hope you get some good responses.

    1286818711
    katen [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 1
    • Joined: 21 May 2010

    hi ive been with my oh 4 7 years now, and it sounds like a normal relationship to me. everyone has ups and downs, but if your still together and the good times are really gud then its got to be worth it. maybe he says wot he says to see if you really want the relationship or if u had the chance that maybe ud get out, but by staying youve proved that u want to be there and thats why the good tyms follow. i think the only way really to get through the blips is to have a chat with him and get everything in the open.

    k x

    1286819545
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    katen wrote:

    hi ive been with my oh 4 7 years now, and it sounds like a normal relationship to me. everyone has ups and downs, but if your still together and the good times are really gud then its got to be worth it. maybe he says wot he says to see if you really want the relationship or if u had the chance that maybe ud get out, but by staying youve proved that u want to be there and thats why the good tyms follow. i think the only way really to get through the blips is to have a chat with him and get everything in the open.

    k x

    This is what my friend said also! He's been turned down for alot of jobs (he's been looking for nine months to no avail!) so I think it's knocked his confidence

    I just get the feeling sometimes that it's more than just that, though im probably over-reacting!

    Thanks for your helo!

    Bx

    1286819659
    flamingdice [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 45
    • Joined: 12 Dec 2006

    Well, many of us men are the same, I say the same thing to my girlfriend, it's one of those stupid things we do. Just remind him that you care and maybe make a list of all the things you like about him, then give him it to keep so if he is feeling a bit down, he can look at it and remember why your with him.

    Hope that helps a little bit.

    1286819690
    Pinkilious [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 295
    • Joined: 9 Apr 2010

    Hey like MM said a few ups and downs are expected in relationships and it mayb that your OH has low self esteem and needs a bit of a confidence boost. You need to think about what you want to as you seem a little unsure, and beginnings of relationships are meant to be the high as it is all new and exciting so maybe look at what you have and have a good think about whether you are the happiest you can be : ) x

    1286820220
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2581
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    *bubbles* wrote:

    katen wrote:

    hi ive been with my oh 4 7 years now, and it sounds like a normal relationship to me. everyone has ups and downs, but if your still together and the good times are really gud then its got to be worth it. maybe he says wot he says to see if you really want the relationship or if u had the chance that maybe ud get out, but by staying youve proved that u want to be there and thats why the good tyms follow. i think the only way really to get through the blips is to have a chat with him and get everything in the open.

    k x

    This is what my friend said also! He's been turned down for alot of jobs (he's been looking for nine months to no avail!) so I think it's knocked his confidence

    I just get the feeling sometimes that it's more than just that, though im probably over-reacting!

    Thanks for your helo!

    Bx

    My Oh had low confidence with his, he has a part time job but has been turned down so many times. It took him over to get the part time job

    1286820543
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    I don't think it sounds normal, I think it's not something 'normal' people say.

    It does seem very much a confidence issue and sometimes people just need reassurance. The problem with confidence issues is it can slowly grind both partners down and leave them both feeling worthless.

    All I can suggest is to reassure him with actions just how much you care, you might think you are already doing it, or may already be doing it but I'm sure spending some quality time together with fun activities will help you both have fun and re-engage the two of you. These things take time but with some TLC you can prove to him that he makes you happy.

    1286820621
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    And listen to that AA one, her advice was great and much less spacey than mine!

    1286821372
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    to AA I think i've just become his longest too! he's in his early twenties and has never really had a nice girl before, all users and cheats

    All this is a great help! I think he needs the time to realise how much I'm really there for him

    Thanks again1

    Bx

    1286821953
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    WandA wrote:

    I don't think it sounds normal, I think it's not something 'normal' people say.

    It does seem very much a confidence issue and sometimes people just need reassurance. The problem with confidence issues is it can slowly grind both partners down and leave them both feeling worthless.

    Absolutely - it's an important thing to address and don't feel bad that it's making you feel distant - WandA's said to me before that if we split up over anything it'll be my confidence issues which is why I'm really working on them - I have to accept that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me.

    Learning self reassurance tactics is the key - tell him you can't spend every day reminding him over and over that you love and need him but you will show him with your actions and he has to learn to recognise that! Everytime you offer to make him a cuppa or go out somewhere that you're not overly interested in but he loves - you're showing that you care enough for him to go out of your way for him. He has to learn to recognise that on his own. Of course when he's feeling really insecure he should talk to you - but he has to learn to recognise when there is a good reason for feeling insecure (like you forgot to text him for 24 hours) and what is just in his mind (like you not smiling when he smiled at you).

    Also - make a promise to him, that if ever you feel he's not what you want, you will tell him immediately and if you don't tell him that, then you obviously think he's good enough for you and makes you happy! I once saw a programme about love and a group of people were asked "how often does your partner tell you he/she loves you"....one woman said "the last time he told me was 20 years ago, he said "I love you, and if that ever changes, I'll let you know" and we're still together 20 years later". Obviously you don't need to go to that extreme but it's the sort of thing that I mean by assuring him if nothing changes, you still love him!

    It is his issue, but have to make him see that in a very tactful way because obviously the last thing he wants is to be told his insecurities are what's making him insecure. But he does need to understand that it's something that needs to be, and can be, worked on!

    Good luck!

    1286823812
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    That was very helpful Alicia!! I will have to work with some of the stuff you said as it sounds like it could help

    Bx

    1286828691
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    *bubbles* wrote:

    That was very helpful Alicia!! I will have to work with some of the stuff you said as it sounds like it could help

    Bx

    Good :) I'm glad I could help a little and I hope things work out!

    Let us know how things get on....if you want to, like :)

    Adxx

    1286830974
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    *bubbles* wrote:

    That was very helpful Alicia!! I will have to work with some of the stuff you said as it sounds like it could help

    Bx

    Good :) I'm glad I could help a little and I hope things work out!

    Let us know how things get on....if you want to, like :)

    Adxx

    aww i definiatly will do :) fingers crossed and all that!

    xx

    1286832544
    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 716
    • Joined: 24 Apr 2010

    I've actually been on the other side of this, more frequently than I care to admit. Although my issues stemmed from depression due to a combination of suckily-borked body chemistry and some horrible stuff that made me not realise how deep I was sinking, the end result is the same: you feel worthless, like no one could ever want to be with you except out of some misguided loyalty that made them feel too bad about leaving you to do what they really want and just walk out.

    It's not easy to fight that, for either of ye. Definitely reassure him that you're there because you want to be, but don't be offended if he doesn't completely trust that. If he's decided he's "unlovable" or at least not worthy of your love specifically, there will always (until the situation rights itself) be that wee voice telling him you don't mean it, you're just too good a person to want to hurt him...which, ironically, makes it seem all the harder to 'impose' yourself on someone that good and caring and nice.

    Don't want to make it seem all doom and gloom, but chances are there's not a lot you can do to fix it until he is able to and makes the decision to help himself. Try and remind him, not just that you love and care about him, but that he is, in his own right, a good person who has a lot to offer. Encourage him in little things that make him happy. Obviously the job thing is a major issue, and not one that's easily sorted - and trying to help 'fix' him in that respect too much will just make him feel like he's so far beyond help that it's not worth it - but if he has hobbies or interests, make an effort to get him to follow them. Keeping busy is the best way to avoid wallowing in your own pool of self-pity, and while he's entitled to feel blue about a horrid situation, there's a difference between letting yourself mourn lost oppertunities and drowning in the pool of despair. Maybe he could take a night class, related to his field of work or just something he has always been interested in learning more about but never had the time: right now, it shouldn't seem like he's stuck, but that he has time and space to pursue whatever his dreams may be. If he likes football or something, look into local groups he could join for that (exercise is an amazing way to get the endorphins flowing, gives you goals to meet and makes you feel like you've achieved something, as well as getting him out there meeting people who will like him without feeling obligued to, which helps re-enforce what you're trying to tell him). don't be afraid to push a bit, as he'll likely say "what's the point?", just don't cross over into nagging territory, or it'll come back to the idea of trying to 'fix' him because he's not good enough as he is. A fine line to tread, but it's worth it if you want to help him. And definitely show as much of an interest in it as you can muster, rather than seeing it as a way of pushing him out the door: tag along to a game he's playing, or ask him about his studies, or try and include yourself in some way to reassure him that you're interested in this new direction he's taking.

    Really, it boils down to keeping him active and busy and feeling like he's achieveing something more than sitting on his arse hoping the phone will ring (whether or not that's what he's doing). It'll take time, but as long as you're in it for the long haul, you can do it, and he'll feel the effort you're putting in and realise if someone as awesome as you are can be bothered about making him feel better about himself, then there must be something lovable in him.

    1286833004
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    I love your advice BB, it doesn't shy away and is always excellent and super thought out.

    Sorry, carry on..

    1286835623
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    im glad i asked everyone on here

    you've all been a great help, now i just need to test it all out!!

    xxx

    1286994430
    *bubbles* [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 8 Oct 2010

    bad news, its over with me and the OH. it was great for you to all help but it seems that it was too bad to help

    ah well time for a new start a guess

    Bx

    1286994607
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2581
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    *bubbles* wrote:

    bad news, its over with me and the OH. it was great for you to all help but it seems that it was too bad to help

    ah well time for a new start a guess

    Bx

    Ohh thats a shame

    I hope things go better with the new OH.

    1286994629
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2581
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    MasqueradeMinx wrote:

    *bubbles* wrote:

    bad news, its over with me and the OH. it was great for you to all help but it seems that it was too bad to help

    ah well time for a new start a guess

    Bx

    Ohh thats a shame

    I hope things go better with a new OH.

    Sorry, typo

    Thread closed

    This thread is closed, so no new messages can be posted.