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  1. I've started this thread after good advice from Seduced ....

    1287354680
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    diamonds wrote:

    hey LY

    ive only read your last post and im sorry to hear youve had a horrible night/morning *hugs*

    i wont add a comment or anything untill ive read the whole thread as i think i need to see everything before i comment in case its already been talked about by yourself ect ect.

    but just wanted to offer you some hugs for now.

    Dxx


    Sorry hun , I completley missed your post this morning . *Hugs* Thank you x

    1287355286
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    SG summed it all up pretty well hun. Sorry it's turned like this again!!!

    Like SG said, You have bent over backwards to make this work. Given him time, Been understanding about his work issues etc etc. It sounded at first like he was coming around and after a few weeks things may settle.

    Now I'm thinking it looks like you're taking the brunt of his frustration/stress etc etc...

    And I'm also going to sound harsh now, Sorry sweetie...

    He sounds pretty selfish in my opinion at the moment and is acting like a child.

    I may be reading it wrong as it's late, But I'm 98% sure that's how I'm reading it. I'm not one for making rash decisions so I wouldn't advise anyone to do likewise, But I think he needs to know what the score is right now.

    If I were in his shoes, I'ld be so chuffed I had a great oh like you, Someone who was understanding and caring for me while things were tough! I'ld be treating you like a princess, NOT like someone I can take all my shit out on!

    I'ld like to know what others think, And again, PLease wait to hear the others before making any kind of decision, But I think it's

    * Wake up and smell the coffee * time for Mr Lookin-Yummy!

    Sorry LY, That was pretty harsh, But I don't like the sound of the way he's treating your relationship right now

    1287355394
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    I also have a hunch he's snapping etc because he could very well be avoiding the subject at hand, Because he could be scared of the outcome.

    Just an idea.

    1287356122
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey ,

    Dont apologise , I respect people for being honest with me .

    When he got back tonight, he was pretty ok with me. But I was quite quiet. He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain exactly how I felt last night. When I said I felt like I was with ex "Mr L-Y" as ex Mr L-Y used to behave like that before lashing out at me, he said "You know I would never hurt you" All I could say to that was "I never thought you would speak to me like you did last week and get mad at me like you did last night, but you have"

    (PLEASE DONT THINK HE HAS EVEN TRIED TO HURT ME ,HE HAS NOT IT WAS PURELY A FIGURE OF SPEECH FROM ME)

    We had a chat and he just repeated why he was like it. He admitted he did over react. He said he had endured a bad week and I "Just put the cherry on the cake" Thing is though , he never said sorry. Infact he rarely does. I will let you into something ; this year , he completely forgot Valentines day and Mothers day - I only got the same response - "I didnt mean to , I was so tired." But still no sorry , eventhough I was heartbroken He did say things het easier work wise after this week and we are due to go out on Saturday night, I am hopeful this will be the turning point for us. He said he wants to work at us .... I want to believe him ....

    So confused now. Need some sleep. At least I only have my teddies in bed, cant get cold shoulder from them xx

    1287356577
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm.

    I could slap him round the chops with a dead fish for being a git to you!

    However...

    From your posts, He does seem genuinely sorry but just isn't saying the word. My younger brothers like this actually lol.

    I could be wrong...

    But if he is still determined that he wants to work at it, But wants to wait till the week/2 eweeks is up, Maybe he is waiting because he wants to give all his attention to the cause when he isn't so stressed?

    I know I hate trying to solve feuds etc when my mind is working overtime!

    Wish I could be a fly on the wall so I could give a better opinion!

    All I can think is this...

    OK, Give him the week whatever to get this work related crap out of his system. Try not to take it all to heart. ( I know, This is a toughy )

    Then it's work at the relationship time.

    If he continues to act like a jerk then, And shows no sign of changing his attitude and working with you to sort things out. Then I would get the big guns out... Ie the * Smell the coffee * guns.

    Hope this makes sense???

    Paul ;) xxx

    1287357162
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    Perfect sense hun and that is exactly what I intend to do .

    My daughter and I are going to my mums for a few days in half term.... We live 2 hours away and I dont have a car so dont see her often Am interested to see how much of effort he makes to text / ring me etc whilst I am away.

    I have made a promise to myself, this will be sorted by christmas one way or another. I have spent too long (From the age of 16 - 20) in an unhappy relationship and there is no way am I sticking around for another one to go down the pan. Without sounding big headed , all I can take from this so far if it does fail is that I wont have given up without trying. Although I dont want it to go that way .

    I guess watch this space is all I can say .... xxxx

    1287357503
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Just don't make any rash decisions sweetie, But don't give him too much leverage.

    I really hope this works out! And I hope I have given the right advise?!

    All my best, Pauli * Hugs * xx

    1287357937
    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello LY. Would you mind if I ask how old he is? I only ask because my OH's previous bloke was a fair bit older than her and was treating her like this. The problem there was that he just didn't have enough energy to work and keep a younger woman in that particular instance. She suggested to him that they weren't really compatible and he agreed because it would only get worse as time went on! He'd bit off more than he could chew so to speak! Just wondering that's all mate. SG x

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    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds like a really rough situation, LY. *Hugs*

    To look at it from the outside, I can recognise a lot of things your OH does as things I have done when under stress. Being snappy, tired and irritable is pretty much the norm for me nowadays, but I'm learning to lighten up. I also get really really oversensitive to criticism, particularly when I feel I'm failing in another aspect of my life. If things are going badly at work for me, and then I come home to an argument about the dishes or the rubbish, I'm thinking - "you think I can't provide for you, that I'm useless as a man, and now you're having a go at me about this..." even when she doesn't know anything about my other problem and hasnever mentioned it!

    So, he's probably walking around on a hair-trigger, just waiting for something to set him off. This is not a good mental space to deal with relationship issues, and to be honest he probably feels that getting his work life under control will automatically solve his problems with you.

    You know, they say "A man can't be happy at home until he is happy at work, and a woman can't be happy at work until she is happy at home."

    Also, please remember he's a man. Not a girl with pecs and stubble, a man. We don't communicate well. We don't see things the same as women, we don't value the same things in the same ways. I almost never send cards to even my close family, and only prompting from Mrs Monster makes me remember Mothers' day. Yeah, he probably forgot. But did he realise just how important it is for you? I'm betting he see observing these (manufactured!) celebrations as pure etiquette - like writing thank-you notes for Christmas gifts. Yes, if you have time and can be bothered, it's a great thing to do, but can't you see I'm busy right now?

    So, give the guy a break, treat him like a man, and be honest about what you want. Not what you feel, or need emotionally, or what the relationship needs, but what you want from him, and what you want to do for him. However emotionally-savvy he may be on a good day, I'm betting right now he's regressed to emergency hunter-gatherer, fight-or-flight monosyllabic grunts and overreactions. Spell it out for him.

    But don't let him get away with too much self-indulgent sulking. There is a limit. You just need to decide how much you are willing to put up with until you can both sort this out.

    Good luck, and big, big hugs.

    MrMr

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    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Am interested to see how much of effort he makes to text / ring me etc whilst I am away.

    Please don't read too much into this kind of "effort". If he does, great, but if he doesn't it's not as big a deal.

    In fact, that's just it - it may not be a "big deal" to him at all, while you see it as the acid test for the relationship.

    1287358776
    Malteser81 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr Monster wrote:

    So, give the guy a break, treat him like a man, and be honest about what you want. Not what you feel, or need emotionally, or what the relationship needs, but what you want from him, and what you want to do for him. However emotionally-savvy he may be on a good day, I'm betting right now he's regressed to emergency hunter-gatherer, fight-or-flight monosyllabic grunts and overreactions. Spell it out for him.

    Erggggg, ummmm thing is as women what we want and need IS emotion. Just as you say a man is simple, to be in a relationship there needs to be alot of give and take as it just wont work im afraid hun.

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Agreed Malt. And I always send my Mother a card! I like sending cards. I'm a card sender Mr Monster! I actually made my OH a Valentines card once! SG x look i've even sent you a kiss fella! :-)

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    SEXYGET 69 wrote:

    Agreed Malt. And I always send my Mother a card! I like sending cards. I'm a card sender Mr Monster! I actually made my OH a Valentines card once! SG x look i've even sent you a kiss fella! :-)

    Awww, cheers, mate!

    1287360138
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    Malteser81 wrote:

    Mr Monster wrote:

    So, give the guy a break, treat him like a man, and be honest about what you want. Not what you feel, or need emotionally, or what the relationship needs, but what you want from him, and what you want to do for him. However emotionally-savvy he may be on a good day, I'm betting right now he's regressed to emergency hunter-gatherer, fight-or-flight monosyllabic grunts and overreactions. Spell it out for him.

    Erggggg, ummmm thing is as women what we want and need IS emotion. Just as you say a man is simple, to be in a relationship there needs to be alot of give and take as it just wont work im afraid hun.

    I know, M81. It's one thing to learn to open up emotionally, but another to relate to someone else's emotions, particularly when your emotions are in overdrive and you're bottling them up 24/7. To start the communication, and to get it going on the right wavelength, it might be better to deal with him as he is right now, not as you'd like him to be. Oh, make it very clear where you'd like to end up, but in my experience the potential for mis-communication is huge and usually ends up spiralling out of control.

    If it makes you feel any better, the advice I'd give him is totally different, but it's LY posting, so she's the one I'm trying to help. People need to find common ground to resolve these things, I'm just signposting the way into his space.

    MrMr

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    SG, MM and Malt ,

    Thank you all so much for your input. Greatly appriciated.

    SG - Yeah hun, he is almost 35 and as I said the other day, I am 23 . My ex was older than me too ... I guess I have a thing for the older guy ! Lol x

    MM - I understand a lot of what you are saying , it does make sense to me. I think the "Hair Trigger" expression is spot on with him at the moment. We both know that when work is easier for him, it will be easier for him to focus more energy to "Us" and that is why I am being the strong one and supporting him through this rough stage. Malt has addressed the only thing I would have questioned and you gave a logical response, thank you. I am curious though ; What advice would you say to Mr L-Y ? I admire the saying you mentioned , I think that will stick with me . I have made clear what I want for the relationship. As I say, I am hopeful we will make changes from next week. With regards to the contact whilst I am away, I do know to him , texting isn't a big thing but it is something I have asked him to do . Even if it's just twice a day, simply to say "I love you." that would mean so much to me. Since I found out how stressful his work is at the moment , I have not asked him for any improvements to take immediate effect in terms of our relationship. I have put them aside for a few weeks until we are less stressed, so I really didn't think that a text would be too much to ask for. I will explain this to him before I go though, so hopefully he will understand. x

    Malt - Thanks for picking up the point I was going to mention. Great minds think alike, eh ? x

    1287394688
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    Seduced wrote:

    Just don't make any rash decisions sweetie, But don't give him too much leverage.

    I really hope this works out! And I hope I have given the right advise?!

    All my best, Pauli * Hugs * xx

    I don't think there is any right or wrong advice hun - If I knew there was, I would have told it to myself and not burdend you lovely lot with it

    Seriously though, I do appriciate all you have said and I am sorry for keeping you up last night - I should stop talking so much ! Lol.

    x *Hugs* x

    1287396254
    Malteser81 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    SG, MM and Malt ,

    Thank you all so much for your input. Greatly appriciated.

    SG - Yeah hun, he is almost 35 and as I said the other day, I am 23 . My ex was older than me too ... I guess I have a thing for the older guy ! Lol x

    MM - I understand a lot of what you are saying , it does make sense to me. I think the "Hair Trigger" expression is spot on with him at the moment. We both know that when work is easier for him, it will be easier for him to focus more energy to "Us" and that is why I am being the strong one and supporting him through this rough stage. Malt has addressed the only thing I would have questioned and you gave a logical response, thank you. I am curious though ; What advice would you say to Mr L-Y ? I admire the saying you mentioned , I think that will stick with me . I have made clear what I want for the relationship. As I say, I am hopeful we will make changes from next week. With regards to the contact whilst I am away, I do know to him , texting isn't a big thing but it is something I have asked him to do . Even if it's just twice a day, simply to say "I love you." that would mean so much to me. Since I found out how stressful his work is at the moment , I have not asked him for any improvements to take immediate effect in terms of our relationship. I have put them aside for a few weeks until we are less stressed, so I really didn't think that a text would be too much to ask for. I will explain this to him before I go though, so hopefully he will understand. x

    Malt - Thanks for picking up the point I was going to mention. Great minds think alike, eh ? x

    Relationships are so hard and it's because you have 2 people in them, not just one. Its taken me 3 goes to find someone who not only takes the time to forgive me for being silly and emotional but will delve deep to find out why i'm quiet and "not myself". In return I will try my hardest not to be so unreasonable and emotional for no reason...... however that doesn't always work but I know my OH, my friend, my lover will be there to help me.

    Its not that I think relationships don't or shouldn't have rough times where you have spats and feel unhappy with but when they constantly out weigh the good times and bring you to the point where you judge yourself and your confidence then you need to make a choice whether the relationship is worth sticking with. Its so much easier to stay in a relationship if your confidence is knocked to the point that u think u couldnt have any better and i'm willing to take a bet that as your previous bf was so bd you believe this one must be better. Relationship don't work for many reasons and communication and meeting inbetween is a very common one. Its just harder to recognise than something physical.

    Now ive babbled on for too long and ultimatly its your choice LY but as a person in her own right you deserve so much more in a relationship and to be honest, understanding and acting upon it is one of them.

    Your very much loved LY, Xxx

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    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww Malt, you made me cry girl ! *Hugs*

    Thank you for your honesty. I must say , I am so glad you have found that special someone

    Your bet is correct , my confidence was none existant. In his defence though, I have to add, my OH has helped build me back up again.

    It's due to my past relationship that I have cried out for help with this one . I know as things are, is not the right way . I can assure you, as I have promised myself, by Christmas, I will know what is happening and where we / I will end up , be it together or alone .

    x L-Y x

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    Malteser81 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Aww Malt, you made me cry girl ! *Hugs*

    Thank you for your honesty. I must say , I am so glad you have found that special someone

    Your bet is correct , my confidence was none existant. In his defence though, I have to add, my OH has helped build me back up again.

    It's due to my past relationship that I have cried out for help with this one . I know as things are, is not the right way . I can assure you, as I have promised myself, by Christmas, I will know what is happening and where we / I will end up , be it together or alone .

    x L-Y x

    You sound such an amazing girl and uve gone through so much. My first relationship he mentally abused me to the point that I only got the courage to finally divorce him when he started too do the same to my girls to hurt me more. I didnt have any self worth for me but no way would I let him affect my girls mentally.

    Thing is I still have so many problems now resulting from how he made me feel and to be honest no matter HOW much my OH tells me i'm amazing and beautiful and a good mother, lover, friend etc I find it too hard to believe. Conditioning is an awful thing but you know with you I believe you can do it babe. Even if your current partner turns out to not be the man for you, he will always be special as eh helped build certain parts of your confidence. Huge hugs LY you can do it. Xxx

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    Malteser81 wrote:

    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Aww Malt, you made me cry girl ! *Hugs*

    Thank you for your honesty. I must say , I am so glad you have found that special someone

    Your bet is correct , my confidence was none existant. In his defence though, I have to add, my OH has helped build me back up again.

    It's due to my past relationship that I have cried out for help with this one . I know as things are, is not the right way . I can assure you, as I have promised myself, by Christmas, I will know what is happening and where we / I will end up , be it together or alone .

    x L-Y x

    You sound such an amazing girl and uve gone through so much. My first relationship he mentally abused me to the point that I only got the courage to finally divorce him when he started too do the same to my girls to hurt me more. I didnt have any self worth for me but no way would I let him affect my girls mentally.

    Thing is I still have so many problems now resulting from how he made me feel and to be honest no matter HOW much my OH tells me i'm amazing and beautiful and a good mother, lover, friend etc I find it too hard to believe. Conditioning is an awful thing but you know with you I believe you can do it babe. Even if your current partner turns out to not be the man for you, he will always be special as eh helped build certain parts of your confidence. Huge hugs LY you can do it. Xxx

    Sounds just like me ....

    *Hugs* hank you hunni xx

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