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  1. I've started this thread after good advice from Seduced ....

    1286548039
    js [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 94
    • Joined: 9 Nov 2009

    Why dont you go back to basics then start out dating again see if you can get the passion back and start having fun again

    1286548141
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2581
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    Js, your not supposed to use text talk on the forums:

    2. Post in the correct forum and stay on topic

    Posts should be relevant, informative and interesting. Posts should be made in the most relevant forum for the topic and a descriptive thread title should be used. Don't use text speak.

    Have a search for previous threads before starting your own and if there was a recent discussion on the topic, bump that thread rather than starting a new one.

    It makes it easier for people to read.

    1286553241
    js [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 94
    • Joined: 9 Nov 2009

    oh i do apolised but whats text talk about that and it is relivant

    1286553272
    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 526
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2009

    LY not much I can add to the advice, the OA is spot on as usual. I just wanted to send you some hugs and hope it all works out the way you want it to. x

    1286553406
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2581
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    js wrote:

    oh i do apolised but whats text talk about that and it is relivant

    It may be relevant but your not supposed to use text talk.

    1286566120
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 994
    • Joined: 15 Aug 2010

    Agreed. But lets let it slide this once. Don't want to dirty this thread up!!!

    LY, How are things going sweetie?

    1286615932
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 289
    • Joined: 2 Jan 2010

    Up and down hun .....

    He came over Wednesday and Thursday evenings to visit , as per usual. But once my daughter had gone to bed, we were at opposite ends of the sofa, practically in silence. On Thursday , as he left and said "See you tomorrow" I said "Only if you want to " ( As he was due to stay over Friday, I didn't want an entire evening of awkwardness) He said the only reason he had been quiet was because he could see by my body language I was upset and he didn't know what to say. ( Like I have previousley mentioned, he clammes up ) All I could say to that was "Actions speak louder than words. All I want is for you to hold me!" He did come over and hold me. None of us spoke but we hugged for around 5 minutes.

    I am going to contact the Dr next week about seeking coucelling , for me at the very least. I think everything is just getting too much for me. I am starting to feel "Frustration" (?) towards him. It's like nearly evey little thing he does now aggrivates me. For example : He said he would do the washing up last night (Which I know was good of him) I suggested he do it soon ( With the intention that we could focus on some "Us" time once my daughter was in bed ) But he said "I'll do it later" and I found myself wanting to shout out "Is the washing up more importnat than us ?! " I know that was over the top and I shouldn't have thought it..... Also we were watching a programme and it was about a bloke who had an operation on his manhood. My OH said "I would be ok to lose some length , plus I would know what to do to compensate for it." I can't even tell you what I thought at that moment. It was quite unkind .... I love him and I don't want to feel like this.

    Am I going mad .... ?!

    We did have cuddles in bed last night and this morning, which for a nice change , he did initiate. We are going out tomorrow night for the first time in a long while to see a famous comedian. We are both looking forward to it. I can predict what will happen though, we have a nice time and hopefully get to feel close. But then he will drop me home and he will have to go home. .

    Sorry if this is all babbled. I am so tired at the moment xx

    1286616724
    xxxxchelzsxxxx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 249
    • Joined: 9 Sep 2009

    I think frustration comes in when you have been bottling things up for so long chick! ts only natural. I think your doing the right thing in going to seek counciling, even if it is only for youself, it may help you to deal with the frustration and anger creeping in!

    My husband sometimes feels distant from me, and im the kind to go on about it straight away, over and over. Which isnt helpful! So i think you are being really strong, but you may just need to be stong for that little bit longer. Maybe when he sees the counciling helping you and making you feel better he may be more willing to give it a go! I hope you have a lovely time this weekend!! and who knows maybe some chilling out and having a giggle might make things a little bit easier on you both....

    *HUGS*

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    1286618758
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 289
    • Joined: 2 Jan 2010

    xxxxchelzsxxxx wrote:

    I think frustration comes in when you have been bottling things up for so long chick! ts only natural. I think your doing the right thing in going to seek counciling, even if it is only for youself, it may help you to deal with the frustration and anger creeping in!

    My husband sometimes feels distant from me, and im the kind to go on about it straight away, over and over. Which isnt helpful! So i think you are being really strong, but you may just need to be stong for that little bit longer. Maybe when he sees the counciling helping you and making you feel better he may be more willing to give it a go! I hope you have a lovely time this weekend!! and who knows maybe some chilling out and having a giggle might make things a little bit easier on you both....

    *HUGS*

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Thanks hun, that made me feel a bit more positive *HUGS* xxxx
    1286708222
    pyjamaparty [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 101
    • Joined: 12 Sep 2010

    Big hugs to you LH and what excellent advice from everyone so far.

    I agree with the taking it back to basics. Start dating again, with no pressure for anything except a quick kiss. Then some making out time. Slowly slowly might just do it.

    I think the counselling is also a great idea, see what help you can get through the doctors. I havent had good experiences with relate and reckon the advice on here is better than what I got! I am a firm believer though in solo counselling about you and your feelings, not about the relationship per se.

    I've been in a similar place to you with my (now separated) husband, and didnt try some of the things mentioned here which in hindsight I think I should have done before it was too late ie the dating and making out stage.

    We skipped all that and went straight to relate, and never got any intimacy back at all. I didnt even tell him I wanted a hug when he walked past me. I just simmered resentfully, so you're doing much better than me.

    Men (in my experience) are less able to pick up on body language and subtle hints! They need it spelling out to them, I have learned this too late:(

    so keep going with what you're doing. Ask for the hugs and the cuddles, and spend as much time together alone as you can, and if you want the intimacy back I'm sure it will follow.

    Good luck

    big hugs

    xx

    1286715967
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 2 Jan 2010

    Well, last night was horrible. He had a really bad day at work, came home in a foul mood (Not like him at all, I guess the stress of us is getting to him too) and I felt so uncomfertable around him, I went to bed at 8pm. He did come up around 10pm . Gave me a hug but was still stressy . Had a little chat, I tried to take his mind off things with conversation, eventually we drifted off to sleep. Had hugs in bed this morning. But then, he went off to his mums without even saying "Goodbye" to me and I havent heard from his since.

    I am so emotional right now, the smallest thing is stressing me out. We are goin out tonight, but I know all I want to say when he gets back is "Why didnt you say goodbye?"

    Really got no enthusiasm today.

    1286725652
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww, I'm sorry things are like this right now.

    I'm not sure what anyone else thinks....

    Ok fair enough he's 'stressed' But he is sounding a little emotionally selfish at the moment.

    He needs to see what this is doing to you sweetie. You both made some sacrifices to be where you are now. If I were in his shoes, I'ld be fighting all the way to make it work, No matter how stressful every day life is at the time.

    I think you both need to have a heart to heart, But don't make any rash decisions.

    Also, Don't act just yet.

    I'ld l;ike to see what the others have to say aswell as I may be looking at this wrong.

    In his defence, He IS giving you cuddles etc, I obviously needs to be more loving ad less stressed though.

    1286725827
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Its a shame he's not on here. I'ld ike to beble to help him too, As he sounds like hes also under quite a bit of stress.

    1286726285
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 2 Jan 2010

    I appriciate what you're saying hun, but I have tried a heart to heart with him . We had a list of things were going to do to change it, but I know these things cant fully take action for another 2 weeks or so, as he recently did some over time at work, meaning his own business he runs part time took a back burner. He is now back on normal shifts so has to catch up with own work again .... Is there anything I can say if we did have another heart to heart ?

    To top it all off, he has just rung me (1st time today) again stressing because everything is going wrong with the job he is helping to do at his mums and said " I'll be back at 6.30pm" I said "Are you going to have enough time to sort yourself out?" as we leave at 7pm , I was going to suggest I get him a change of clothes out ready etc to help and he just snapped "Well I'm doing all I can ! I'll try and make it just after 6. " Then started swearing down the phone because he did something wrong whilst talking to me ( He wasnt swearing at me - it was at himself) I am just not used to hearing him like this, he is usually so laid back. I just know tonight is not going to be the nice time I had hoped for ....

    1286727013
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm...

    Heruns his own business, But thats gone on the back burner because hes helping his mum with something???

    From what your explaining, It sounds like he's burning himself out.

    I'm saying this because it sounds a lot like myself some years ago. It was when I was still with *K* I was well and truely overworked and got more and more stressed. I loved her with all my heart but I took it all out on her, Didnt realize I was doing so at the time and I drove her away at that time. I ended up having a meltdown and thats why I'm still not in full time employment now. ( Another story for another time )

    Anyway, My point is, Maybe he's overworked, Worrying that his business is going to suffer and worrying about his relationship with you... Could all be getting too much!?!?

    Is ther any way you could help him?

    Also, Sweetie I know you feel rather neglected right now, But....

    What If you went with somethinhg like..... I realised how tough things are at the moment with work etc, Please let me give you a (non-sexual ) massage to relieve the tension...

    Hope that all makes sense???

    1286727817
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    No hun, his business took a back burner because he did over time at work. He is just helping his mum today.

    I did try a relaxing evening for him a few weeks ago, cooked him a meal, run him a bath and left some choccies and a nice drink in their too. Then gave him a massage . He did enjoy it. Maybe a replay wouldnt hurt ?

    I too wish he was on here . I am sure it would help

    1286728165
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    A replay sounds like a very good idea.

    I'm assuming he hasn't alwasy been like this?

    You see sometimes, In a relationship, Even if we feel a bit left out...

    We have to be the rock and become selfless.

    ME and J for example.....

    We are hugging more and getting closer, But we still havent been intimate sexually for just over 7 months now.

    Yes I get infuriated and frustrated, I feel unwanted at times and rejected. But I also know she is going through hell mentally and physically, So I have to push my feelings aside and concentrate on her.

    I'm doing this because I love her and I know she would do the same if the tables were turned.

    Out of curiosity, Would your OH be this way if your roles were reversed?

    ie - would he be selfless etc if you were overwhelmed by work/relationship/money related stress???

    1286728668
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 2 Jan 2010

    I would like to think so ....

    Normally I would say yes he would, as I have mentioned he was (And I assume still is underneath?) A very caring and chilled out kind of guy.

    He has supported me through coming to terms with a lot ; Including the DV and a MC that happend during that time.

    I think I just gave myself some kind of answer here .... I do need to help him more I guess.

    I just want my man back.

    1286728871
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Bingo!

    But make sure you set aside yourself some ýou time'.

    Be it a bubble bath or a session with a nice toy and lube... i could go on all day.

    That way you are being pampered to. Ok not by him, But still you will both hopefilly start to relax more.

    I hope I have helped hun?

    Paul

    1286729335
    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    You have been a really good support and adviser , thank you Paul * Hugs*

    Sorry I have "Bent your ear" so much .

    I'm probably not the best person at the moment but you know where I am if you need a chat too ...

    Hey, did you see that ? A smile ! Lol x

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