• I've started this thread after good advice from Seduced ....

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    Hi all,

    As some of you may be aware, I am, having a few difficulties at the moment.

    I opened up on anither thread ( Forgive me for diverting it ) and the helpful Seduced suggested I make a new thread about it so maybe other OA's may be able to advise. I will C&P all that has been said and see what happens ....

    ME : I know this probably isnt the right place and I am sorry if I am wrong, but do you think if I posted what is happening it would be ok ?

    SEDUCED :

    By all means hunni-bun, Poor your heart out!

    *Reserves the next few post slots for off-topic *

    ME :

    This is quite long and maybe confusing in places. I am sorry about that and sorry if you would prefer not to read the rubbish I am experiencing , but if you could help , I would appriciate it so very much.

    My partner and I have been together for 3 years, although I have known him for 13 years.

    I am in my early 20's and met him when my older brother started high school , they became friends and in a short while, we became friends also. I guess I did have a "Crush" on him, but due to the age gap and him having a girlfriend from the age of 14, I didn't ever think anything would happpen. Not to mention that I was in the midlands and he was in the south (My bro lived with his Dad, but we spoke daily on the phone, I would speak to his friend regually too as they were always at each others houses and had as many visits as we could ) We had a great "Big brother / Little sister" type of relationship over time which continued well .

    At the the age of 16 I became involved in a relationship that eventually became nasty and unpleasent. I was in a horrible place, too scared leave but too scared to stay. On a visit to the midlands, to see me and also my bro who had moved up there, my friend took me out for a meal. I was silly and had a bit too much to drink . When it was time for him to take me back, I got upset and blurted out everything that was happening in the relationship I was in. He was great and supported me and offered me an escape. I had the thought of "It's now or never" and I did leave my then partner, taking our 18 month old daughter with me. We ended up staying in the south in my (Now partner) 's parents caravan, with him coming to see me every day and staying over a few nights a week , sleeping on the sofa bed. It was a huge relief to be away and I spent a lot of time thinking how to put my life back together again.

    After a month or so, my friend and I were just watching tv in the caravan when out of the blue, he turned it off and said that he needed to talk to me. It turned out that although he had been with his then partner since they were 14 (He was now 32 and I was 20 ) he had actually liked me since I was 18 and hadn't said anything because he assumed I was happy in my relationship (As anyone who has experienced DV knows, you dont tell people what is happening and you do your best to hide it.) All of a sudden , the feelings I had tried to ignor for so long came staright back to me. He made clear to me that he wasn't expecting me to begin a relationship with him and that he would understand if I felt offended. He was apologetic and didn't put any presseur on me. He just wanted to tell me. I explained to him how I felt and he said that if I was sure about it, then he wanted to be with me and was prepared to end it with his then partner (I must add here, she had cheated on him twice and each time he forgave her. She wasn't too upset over the split and was soon with someone else.)

    As the sight I was living on was due to close soon, he suggested we go back to the midlands so my daughter & I could be near friends and family. But it wasn't meant to be. I gave what money I could - which admittely I didn't have a lot to give and he used his savings to pay 6 months rent in advance on a property and furnish it. Also to cover living costs such as bills and shopping etc. I was not in a mental state to cope with going back to work , so he searched for work. But was unsuccessful. I think it may have been due to him having a London accent and the small village I came from had a theory which I am ashamed of, that being "City folk coming to take our work." By the end of the 6 months, I had no money left and his savings were falling fast. We decided the best thing would be for him to go back to the south, live with family, try and get work and then my daughter and I would move back with him. In the meantime, my daughter and I lived with various family members. OH and I saw each other fornightly and it was hard. I won't lie. Before anyone does happen to mention about "Why didn't we live together and get benefits to help until he got work ?" The answer is because he has long term savings which he cannot touch for a very long time and there is proof from the bank that he cant touch it, but the benfits woudn't even look at us because of the amount.

    2 years ago my daughter and I did move to the south. We lived alone , as his wage wouldnt cover the rent (£650 per month) and I couldnt find anywhere cheaper . He visited evey day and stayed occassionally. To cut this story short; we are still in the same situation. I haven't been able to find work. And we still are not living together due to finances. Recently he had issues at work for around 8 months where they changed his shifts, making it hard for him to see us regually and when he did see us he was always (Understandably) tired. I feel like a couple still in the "Dating" stage , not a serious relationship. The affection has dwindeld out , which I find hard as I am a very tactile person. The sexual side of things have faded too. He just doesnt satisfy me anymore ... In June I did a very stupid thing and kissed another guy whilst on holiday with my daughter, my friend and her child. (And no, my daughter was nowhere near me when this happend) it gave me a huge wake up call that if I was happy , I wouldn't have done that. I was so gutted at my mistake that I cut the hoiliday short and came home. I told OH everything and eventhough we had spoke before about me being unhappy I did make clear that this was really serious. He understood why it happend and we came up with ideas of how to make things better and have more time together. But these don't seem to be going to plan and I am still feeling "single" in my mind. I feel distant from him as a partner, as I said , the sexual side has suffered too, it's rare and has become scripted and routine like when we do actually do it. I still feel I have to initiate the affection like holding hands etc. I just want quality time together and a home together. We sat and worked things out only a few weeks ago and there is no hope of it happening until I can get a job.

    He still makes me laugh and I still care for him with all my heart but I am not sure if I am in love with him now ? I don't find him attractive any more either ....

    I can't imagine life without him, but I can't see me carrying on like this. I don't feel contented in the relationship and I admit I am scared I may cheat on him if given the offer. I know I am going to be judged for saying that, but I need to be honest . I have asked him if he would consider seeking help through Relate but he is quite old fashioned in that way and thinks a relationship is private.

    Please help, I want to save this and make it work. We have both suffered over time and put so much into it to get this far. I dont want to give up now.

    Also, just when I am feeling quite rubbish, my Mum has told me she is moving 4 hours away from me .... I am very close to her and alothough she is a grown woman and perfectly entitled to do as she pleases. Selfishly , I don't want my Mum to be further than where she is now (2 hours from me)

    SEDUCED :

    I have to pick my boy up from school, But I will come back to this in the next few hours hun! Better than a rushed reply ;)

    Sounds like you're feeling a bit similar to how I was a little while ago....

    Chin up lovely, And don't do anything hasty, I shall leave you with the girls and will be back in a mo.....

    xx

    ME :

    Thank you. I too have to go now and pick up my daughter .

    Speak soon x

    SEDUCED :

    Right...

    I am back, I hope I make sense as currently off my noodle on codeine and amytriptaline :(

    It sounds to me like you're already doing something good by approaching him and by talking about it.

    I'm a bit concerend about his 'old fashioned' approach though. It could well be that he's scared of admitting there's a problem that needs seeing to. My J bless her was the same.

    Ii too was scared I was going to cheat, But Being scared of it, Just means that you are already concious of the fact that it would be silly to do so, And it also means that he does mean a lot to you.

    It is very very difficult when you love someone that much when they don't show any physical/emotional attention to you. No sex isn';t the be-all, But it IS an important factor.

    Me and J haven't been intimate for 7 months due to our housing situation ( living with parents again and sharing a room in seperate beds aswell as our 6yo son being in with us. ) and due to a lot of problems she has had over the past.

    We're recieving couple counceling and it is starting to help.

    I will warn you, If on benefits Relate will give a discount, But it's still £20 per session.

    I'm unsure if they are in your part of the UK but look up an organization called 'Family Matters' Your schools liason officer may be able to help??!

    As for the benefit thing, If he has savings, But cant touch them and has physical proof... Then you should be entitled to claim, Job centre are well known down this end for fobbing people off and not giving them the proper advice etc. Go higher up, If not, talk to your local mp!

    If he cares about you and your relationship and loves you, He should meet you half way and at least listen to you about the councelling. Would he come on here? With an open mind???

    Will come back in a moment. Want to see what others say!

    Paul ;) xx

    Oh, And...

    * HUGS *

    XXXXCHELZSXXXX :

    I dont think i could give better advice than that paul!!

    Thats pretty amazing advice really lol....

    I will say that, If it were me i would keep asking to go to relationship councelling... he may come round to the idea!!

    I really feel for you and sending loads of *hugs* your way!

    Sorry i cant help more, but i feel like Paul said everything i would have said xxxxxxxx

    ME :

    Thanks for coming back ....

    I think you are right about him being scared to admit there is a problem. I notice when we talk he is always up for ideas to improve things but he won't delve into the nitty gritty of what is wrong.

    I must say thank you for not judging me when I said I am scared I may cheat.... I was (And still am) half expecting to get juded and jumped on (Not in a good way) I am so pleased someone understands what I mean.

    Someone did say we could get help through the GP for free. I am going to search down this route. Good to know Relate do give discounts though.

    I had not thought of chatting to the MP regarding the help from Job Centre. Will look into that one too ....

    He doesn't know I come on the forums . Don't think he would initially be too chuffed woth the idea. However, I think if I explaine how supportive and helpful the OA's are then he may hopefully come round to it. .... At least it is still private in some aspect rather than face to face.

    xx

    SEDUCED :

    On a side note and im not judging you sweetie... Cheating would only make you feel worse. Put it this way, After a while I realized its not the actual sex i miss, but the intimacy and closeness with my oh that comes as part of lovemaking. So yes I would have got sex in the end, But I still would have felt empty because the emotional and tender part would be missing still. Hope that makes sense?

    Just treat yourself to one of LH's nicer toys to help out in 'the physical part for now.

    SEDUCED :

    As for your OH coming on here...

    I had the same prob with J...

    At first when I told her she went mental, She thought I would be swapping pics, chatting everybody up and recievin the same...

    I literaly plonked the laptop with the site open in front of her so she could see for hrself, Maybe not best for everyone but in our situation it was the only way at that moment lol!

    And now she has joined and is just starting to get active on here.

    Its just the initial, " I am a member on a sex toy forum " that kinda sounds worse than it actually is lol!

    I should imagine, saying " Im a new member of the Orgasm Army " would probably sound worse hehe.

    Hope that makes sense too!?

    * HUGS *

    xx

    ME :

    What you say does make sense. A lot of sense ....

    I guess a bit of retail therapy does us all good , in more ways than 1 sometimes x

    ME :

    That would probably be my OH's reaction too . I guess I would end up doing something similar.

    ~ Hugs ~

    x

    MASQUERADEMINX : Looking Yummy,

    As I was saying on chat, try and tell him straight. Dont say I am unhappy and have thoughts of leaving you as that isnt a great place to start.
    Try wording like, I feel as though we arent spending enough time together and I miss you type of thing. See if you can work out something where one of you moves closer?

    Really hope it works out sweetie.

    x

    SEDUCED :

    This is also brilliant advice! Any form of " I'm thinking of leaving or I want a break " can cause insecurity and maybe a greater lack or willingness to talk.

    I remember J did this onceyears ago, and instead of me listening I became paranoid and clammed up.

    MASQUERADEMINX : Thanks

    If you change the words round it helps. What would you rather hear?

    SEDUCED :

    As an emotional kinda bloke, I'ld want the truth but in a soft manner.

    So like put it to me in a Soft but straight to the point way.

    Ie...

    " Look honey, There are a few things that are really getting me down and I really need you to help and support me. I'm feeling *bla bla bla* but I want you to know that I really do Love you and I want this to work, I want us to become stronger. "

    Something on those lines.

    Pauli * Hugs * xxx

    SEDUCED :

    " But the only way we can become stronger/happier is if we face this issue/problem together as a team! "

    SEDUCED :

    Any of that make sense???

    SEDUCED :

    Oh, And it may be an idea LY if you c&p this lot, starting with your first post explaining everything... and start a new thread. Or I can start a new one for you???

    Then we can dedicate that thread to helping you! and get this one beack ontopic. Sorry, Im not having a dig, Jeez I hate not beeing able to show my true emotions in a post lol!!!

    I mean it nicely hun xx

    MASQUERADEMINX :

    Thats a really good idea, some people may not have seen this because of the hugs title.

    It is making sense. LY, I think you need to put it to him in a way that he wont be too clammed up.

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    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Well done hun! Thats what I call dedication!

    Paul xxx

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    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you. Feels like the most positive thing I have done in a long time x

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    js [sign in to see picture]
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    think all the advise above is actualy spot on you need to talk to him and tell him how u realy feel if he loves u u will work things out.i no its hard i lost my job in may and didnt work for 4mths iv worked all my life and felt so down and not worth a carrot but my oh stood by me.hope thing work out for u i realy do hun good look

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    js wrote:

    think all the advise above is actualy spot on you need to talk to him and tell him how u realy feel if he loves u u will work things out.i no its hard i lost my job in may and didnt work for 4mths iv worked all my life and felt so down and not worth a carrot but my oh stood by me.hope thing work out for u i realy do hun good look

    I mentioned to MM in chat that he is such a laid back guy, I dont think he does understand exactly how serious this is. If I do "Tell him straight" as it were .... He clams up like he doesnt know what to say or do

    Thank you for the kind wishes x

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    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    I have just read through all that and am thuroughly impressed by the advice and understanding in the posts! I'm so happy that there has been some brill advice and great food for thought in there for you and surely you feel a lot more secure about yourself so it must be good!

    There is positively nothing else I can add to whats already been said, but I tip my hat (if I were wearing one) to those who left those posts. xx

    Me too .... There has been some great advice x

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    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    I just hope it helps

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    Lookin - Yummy [sign in to see picture]
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    Me too.....

    He been round this evening briefly and I had to ask for a hug . He just walked past me when he came in and went and sat down .....

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    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Me too.....

    He been round this evening briefly and I had to ask for a hug . He just walked past me when he came in and went and sat down .....

    Is it that its almost as though you have stopped being a couple? I mean you said that you dont get to see each other a lot. Perhaps you two have stopped thinking as a couple and need to reintroduce that way of thinking?

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    MasqueradeMinx wrote:

    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Me too.....

    He been round this evening briefly and I had to ask for a hug . He just walked past me when he came in and went and sat down .....

    Is it that its almost as though you have stopped being a couple? I mean you said that you dont get to see each other a lot. Perhaps you two have stopped thinking as a couple and need to reintroduce that way of thinking?

    Quite possibly ....

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    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    MasqueradeMinx wrote:

    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Me too.....

    He been round this evening briefly and I had to ask for a hug . He just walked past me when he came in and went and sat down .....

    Is it that its almost as though you have stopped being a couple? I mean you said that you dont get to see each other a lot. Perhaps you two have stopped thinking as a couple and need to reintroduce that way of thinking?

    Quite possibly ....

    Just thinking of suggestions.

    Sometimes me and the OH are like this, but we just try and change things, have a good old make out session.

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    MasqueradeMinx wrote:

    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    MasqueradeMinx wrote:

    Lookin - Yummy wrote:

    Me too.....

    He been round this evening briefly and I had to ask for a hug . He just walked past me when he came in and went and sat down .....

    Is it that its almost as though you have stopped being a couple? I mean you said that you dont get to see each other a lot. Perhaps you two have stopped thinking as a couple and need to reintroduce that way of thinking?

    Quite possibly ....

    Just thinking of suggestions.

    Sometimes me and the OH are like this, but we just try and change things, have a good old make out session.

    I know, I appriciate your help. Thank you.

    I think we need to go back to basics with the "Making Out" as well, as I mentioned , that side of thins really isnt too good at the moment and I would probably come away from it even more frustrated .

    I'm sorry. I know all I have done is moan ....

    Feel free to ignor me lol x

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    I've got nothing to add after so much excellent advice but I just wanted to pass on wishes and hope for the future! Good luck LY!

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    WandA wrote:

    I've got nothing to add after so much excellent advice but I just wanted to pass on wishes and hope for the future! Good luck LY!

    Thank you , much appriciated

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    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    all the excellant advice has been given...but I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can get to a place you wish to be with your relationship xxx

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    smirnoff09 wrote:

    all the excellant advice has been given...but I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can get to a place you wish to be with your relationship xxx

    So kind , thanks xx

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    Ditto, not much more can be said but "good luck to both of ye". I'd just be wary of making sure you're not holding on because you see him as a saviour instead of a lover, and almost a false sense of loyalty. I don't think that's the case from how you talk, but I just know how easy it can be to convince yourself you want someone purely because you're scared that not being with them will leave you prone to slipping back into the kind of horrible situation you fought so hard to escape. At the very least, I'd think there can be a part of that in addition to the actual feelings, they're not mutually exclusive, and that kind of fear and need can put a lot of pressure on both of ye, and make it harder for you to feel the positive stuff because you're so scared of losing it that you forget to think about what is actually there. I'd say even if he doesn't go to councilling with you, or while you work on him for that, think about going yourself (if you haven't already) just to sort through any demons left from that horribvle experience and so you can be sure you're not confusing the two at any point. Plus, if you go for yourself, and then ask him to come to help you, it's less confrontational. Maybe I'm projecting a bit, but just worth thinking about where your fear of slipping back to that bad place ends and your urge to fix this begins.

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    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    Well, turns out even when I'm not saying much I say a load of twaddle. ^_^

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    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    'Twasn't Twaddle! Great, Common sense advice imo!

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    BashfulBabe wrote:

    Well, turns out even when I'm not saying much I say a load of twaddle. ^_^

    Not twaddle ! Good advice, thank you . I think there will always be a fear in me due to past issues. I have never addressed them so maybe that is something I need to do .... ?

    x

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