• Telling your OH they're getting out of shape?

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    Jonny84 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya,

    Looking for some advice on what could be a touchy subject.

    I've been with my girlfriend for 2+ years now, and I love her to bits. Gradually over the last year or so she's started putting on weight - she was really quite slim when we met, but she's slowly but surely put on a noticable amount of weight since. She's still gorgeous and sexy, but she's starting to reach the point where bingo wings and cellulite are starting to take over, and I'm pretty sure the reason i've not seen her in some of her sexy outfits is that they don't fit her too well anymore.

    The problem isn't her appearance now, but I can't help but think what things will be like in another year or whatever if things go on as they are. I really don't want to reach the point where I look at her and think "She used to have a great figure"and I don't want to e.g. go for a cycle in the country only for her to be out of puff all the time :(

    The issue is basically she's not excercising, and she munches a bit too much junk. I don't blame her, I've been in the exact same boat myself. It's easy to pile on the flab, but it can be hard to start doing something about it.

    I hope I don't sound shallow or selfish. I don't care about her only for her appearance. I wouldn't have stayed with her for 2+ years if all I was interested in was her body. But I know that it will bother me if she keeps getting more out of shape, and it'll surely affect her confidence too, and that can't be healthy for the relationship.

    Any advice on how to tackle this? Do I just flat out say what I'm thinking, or do I try and steer her towards changing her lifestyle without mentioning my intentions? I'm planning to make an effort to get in shape myself (i've got the opposite problem at the moment - waaaay to scrawny!), so I'd like to make getting in shape something we can do together. I'm just not sure how to suggest that without upsetting her.

    Cheers for your help!

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    chipNroll [sign in to see picture]
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    Why don't you suggest you join the gym (or some other sport?) together for some moral support. Cook you both some yummy but healthy & filling meals. Plan lots of activities/dates together so you aren't both sat at home doing nothing and snacking because you're bored. I hear sex is a great calorie burner too ;)

    Personally I wouldn't just say what you've been thinking- it could very easily get taken the wrong way and make her feel upset/insecure/self-conscious. Plus, as a woman I'm sure she knows perfectly well when her body changes, and probably doesn't really need someone to point it out for her. You should just be supportive and loving, if she wants to make changes she will do when she's ready.

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think it sounds selfish or shallow, you have your own expectations and desires and wanting them to be reasonably met isn't selfish.I think it depends on her personality. I know I'd appreciate my OH saying it rather bluntly, some people of course might find this an issue.

    I think CnR makes good suggestions. If you both join a gym you'll also be spending time together so it might be a great thing to do together. I know it's rather simplistic but you don't eat junk if it isn't there. I only keep a few treats in the house an eat them in moderation, I find planning meals for the week allows you to take in the big picture and balance good nutrition and health with just the right amount of goodies.

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    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with ChipnRoll, she will know that she's put weight on, you won't need to tell her.

    Why not go swimming together? Or suggest going for a walk when its a nice evening? Doesn't have to be anything too strenuous at first. I would steer slear of the joining a gym suggestion at first, it's not very subtle and she wil probably take it the wrong way. I know I would it my fella suggested it out of the blue.

    You could join a gym though, and see if she shows any interest. Talk about the great classes they do and you'd like to go but feel silly on your own....she might volunteer.

    Do you live together? If so who does the shopping? If its a joint effort then steer her towards the fruit and veg section and pile your trolley high with fruit n veg, encourage her to make healthy choices without being obvious. I'm not saying don't have treats, everything in modertion! Its difficult I know, especially when you don't want to hurt her feelings.

    She needs to want to lose the weight herself or she won't do it at all. Are there any pics of the two of you when you first met where she looks particularly fabulous that you could 'stumble across' and reminise with her? I'm only saying this because when I lost my weight, my motivation was I saw a pic of myself and I hadn't realised how big I was. From that day I was determined it was comin off, and it did. It may be a shock like that which steers her in the right direction.

    xx

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    chipNroll [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    I only keep a few treats in the house an eat them in moderation

    Weren't youi devouring an entire cheesecake just the other day

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    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    I don't think it sounds selfish or shallow, you have your own expectations and desires and wanting them to be reasonably met isn't selfish.I think it depends on her personality. I know I'd appreciate my OH saying it rather bluntly, some people of course might find this an issue.

    I think CnR makes good suggestions. If you both join a gym you'll also be spending time together so it might be a great thing to do together. I know it's rather simplistic but you don't eat junk if it isn't there. I only keep a few treats in the house an eat them in moderation, I find planning meals for the week allows you to take in the big picture and balance good nutrition and health with just the right amount of goodies.

    Hadn't seen this he posted while I was typing. Good idea about planning meals for the week. The way we do it is we eat healthily all week and then pick a day, usually weekend, when we just eat what we want. Works pretty well xx

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    chipNroll wrote:

    WandA wrote:

    I only keep a few treats in the house an eat them in moderation

    Weren't youi devouring an entire cheesecake just the other day

    Well, it was really cheap... but I've not eaten anything other than my actual meals beyond that and last night was a pasta night. So you can call off your officers Miss Food Police!

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    sexynurse09 wrote:

    Hadn't seen this he posted while I was typing. Good idea about planning meals for the week. The way we do it is we eat healthily all week and then pick a day, usually weekend, when we just eat what we want. Works pretty well xx

    See my mum/stepdad used to do that, have a 'fat night'. The problem was it became almost a competition! They'd just eat as much crap as they could, even if they didn't really want it simply because it was 'fat night' and couldn't for the next 6 days...

    I've personally found that way isn't very healthy (in the mental sense, it just left them wishing everyday was a Saturday). It made them go off course a bit because then they'd be good for the next 4 days... etc. I don't think food should be seen negatively, me and Ad just eat rather balanced food, and try to 'offset' some meals.

    I can understand why it works for some people though, I guess you need the mental strength!

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    suze9 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with what has been said about your OH knowing what needs to be done, I did and still do. I would have been horrified and insulted if my husband had just came out and said something. He left me be and waited untill I was ready to do something and was beyond supportive, and still is, when I came to the realisation that action was needed. I worried that he didnt want me as I was and I avoided him having to touch me as I thought it would be easier on him and it would make me feel better but it didnt, cue huge argument over him not going near me, even though I activley avoided him. Today I still have work to do but feel so much happier but more importantly healthier.

    Try suggest activities i.e. a walk but keep it subtle, what about doing the shopping for her and not buying the rubbish, if its not there it cant be eaten or pick a healthier alternative, you could also cook sometimes for her xxx

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    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lol! Well it works for us, and if i've not been healthy in the week, no treat night - simples! An incentive. Its not so much for losing weight I find it just keeps my weight as it is, which i'm happy with. Its been good for me in a way though, I used to have mcdonalds or kfc every week on a saturday just because I could, and it got to the point where I was sick of it, so i've not eaten either for well over 6 months now.

    Back to thread though, does she do any exercize at the moment? If not and hasn't for a while, it will be best to start gently. If she has quite a stressful job maybe you could play up to the 'stress' angle and suggest yoga might help her to relax and unwind...give her chill time to herself...I know its not a cardio workout but doesn't matter, can build up to that. I'm just suggesting something to get the ball rolling and ease her back into activity. Plus yoga is harder than it looks! And very good for toning.

    And if you can, get hold if this http://www.play.com/DVD/DVD/4-/848342/Peter-Kay-Max-Paddy-Power-Of-Two/Product.html its hilarious! It is a workout DVD and it is effective when done three times + per week, great for people who haven't exercised for a while, I used it after i'd been ill for a few months to get active again and you have fun doing it. Tell her its for you or something, let her watch you do it and she will be tempted to join in with you.

    Having said that it might not be your kind of humour, depends if you like Peter Kay I guess. But it does work if you stick to it. I'm gonna do mine in a bit xx

    1284781203
    sxe_couple21 [sign in to see picture]
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    My partner and I have an honest relationship when it comes to things like this but still it can be hard saying "you're putting on weight" and even harder for the other person to believe that despite that you still are horny as hell for him/her.

    Try and be tactful but if you're psyched to put on some mass at the gym then I'm sure she'd likely come along too. Although I've never found it works particularly well as different goals invariably lead to different structures in the gym. Unless you follow the generic program they set everyone that is

    (Off topic - ChipNroll, where did you get those knicks they're awesome !)

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Lots of good points - I'd appreciate to just be told "love you're getting a bit chunky, maybe you should eat less or exercise more" purely because of the person I am - staying a good weight for me is important to me and I'd be annoyed if someone let me get to a stage where it was hard to lose the weight rather than me just having to lose a little at the beginning (does that make sense)

    However - this wouldn't work for a huge number of women so I don't suggest you try that, but it is good to tackle it sooner rather than later to make it easier for her.

    My suggestion would be to say you've been feeling unhealthy lately and want to eat better and exercise more (calorie counting - in a safe way of course - makes you live longer and exercise keeps your heart beating so you don't even have to relate it to weight).

    What we do is this:

    1) we plan our meals, it sounds like it stops sponteneity but it does mean you eat better and snack less.

    2) if we're hungry earlier, we eat tea earlier, it's better than having a snack which doesn't fill you and is full of calories

    3) we look out for saturated fats, salt, sugar and calories and try to keep them fairly low

    4) we have decreased our portion sizes gradually, I stop eating when I stop feeling hungry rather than when I'm full to bursting

    5) we make our meals low in calories so if we *do* fancy a sneaky bar of chocolate, it's not the end of the world

    6) keeping healthy sweet stuff for pudding works wonders - fruit or no added sugar jelly are both good, or even popcorn can be pretty healthy if you check the packaging and don't cake it in sugar!

    7) we eat the healthier version of what we enjoy because it's easier than eating rabbit food! It's better go half way to being healthy than stay being really unhealthy!

    Also, I'd definitely advics joining the gym together and making it as enjoyable as possible - classes can be an easier and more fun way of staying fit for some people but some prefer the equipment. Or maybe find some form of exercise that's fun! Go cycling together or go for a brisk walk a few times a week - basically get out of breath doing anything and it's good for you! Play silly games if you like, play football, anything that gets your heart beating.

    Finally, I'd look at both of your BMR (basal metabolic rate - I'll explain in a min) - maybe look at yours and act all shocked when you speak to your OH saying you eat way more than you need. The BMR is basically everything you need just to live and nothing else - there are some formulae online that you can work out your individual one based on age, sex, weight etc. Then you add on the calories you use for your activity levels each day and ta da that's how much you should eat to maintain the weight your at....to lose weight, you eat less - simple.

    Make being healthy as easy as possible and it should be effective - and make it about being healthy and not losing weight so your OH feels confident! The healthier you feel the better you feel about yourself and the weight should drop off easier

    I'm speaking as a person without food issues (apart from extreme fussiness) so I accept some of my techniques mightn't work for others, but it's worth a try, it works for me :)

    Good luck

    Adxx

    Oh and I don't think you're being selfish but that's a whole different discussion!

    1284818953
    Jonny84 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya,

    Thanks for your relpies. I'm glad to see you're all being positive, I was expecting at least a little bit of flak!

    Like I said, I'm needing to work on my shape myself, though for other reasons - I'm really quite skinny at the moment - I've been heavier in the past, but I've only ever managed to put on fat, never muscle! I am going to make an effort myself to get in better shape, but this time my crafty plan is to involve her as well. I plan to discuss how I need to get in shape, and then suggest that there's something we can do together that will help motivate me/us.

    Planning meals is a great idea, but we don't live together. I'm going to make more of an effort for us to eat together so hopefully we'll both be able to eat well!

    And CnR, I've heard that sex is great excercise too. A bit of 'shag yourself into shape' is definately on the cards

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    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
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    Great plan Jonny84. I always find it easier to work on my figure if CC is working on his.

    He will say something along the lines of "Can you imagine how amazing we'd look if we shifted our extra pounds?" How could I ever take offence at that?

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    BB75 [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been with my husband for 15 years and I'm certainly not the trim young thing he met or married! My weight has always been up and down - size 8 to 20 over those 15 years and I've gone from gaunt to obese. I currently need to lose about 5 stones to make me happier and I have started that journey. I feel angry that I've allowed myself to get in this state and admire his tolerance.

    However, he has recently said that although he thinks I'm beautiful, he no longer 'fancies' me in the way he did. I was naturally heartbroken and even more upset with myself. Although it was tough love I hate the thought of not being fancied!

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    Vampyrewillow [sign in to see picture]
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    I was out of shape when my partner met me and now i am more so, i ask him most days if he still fancies me and if he still desires me and if he minds me being fat and he insists he doesn't.

    however when the time is right i hope to start eating a little healthier and doing some exercise as i know i am TOO big now, however it is reassuring to know i'm under no pressure from my partner,

    just make sure she knows you love her either way but give her gentle encouragement, i hope my partner would tell me if he ever became unattracted to me!

    VW x

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    Doug [sign in to see picture]
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    dont know if this has already been said, but one thing you want to make sure is that before you make any comment on weight/size, is that you are personaly in good shape at least as little fat on you as you would like on her, beacuse if not, then you can't really turn round and say, oh can you lose some weight please, but i cant be bothered to do the same.

    From personal exepericane, i was told a few years ago that i was getting fat, and it kicked me up the arse that i needed to make sure that i didn't end up fat, although the person who told be i had a massive ammount of respect from.

    Hope that helps

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    BB75 [sign in to see picture]
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    Aimee wrote:

    I think it depends how and when you say it, You've got to be tactful about it. My OH subtly told me i had put on a few pounds a few months back. At first I thought he was a cheeky bugger, as you would! but then i realised he was right, so did something about it :) it could be upsetting yes, but only if it was said nastly. Maybe you could suggest getting fit together, like swimming or walking :) That way its productive time together :)

    I totally agree Aimee! I was told in a nice way and it has sparked a total lifestyle change which is beneficial to both of us. He realises now that he caused the weight gain too by the way we lived. B x

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    Doug [sign in to see picture]
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    along the lines of getting fit together, you could try positions that are more energetic for both of you, then you can have fun and get fit at the same time :)

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    BB75 wrote:

    Aimee wrote:

    I think it depends how and when you say it, You've got to be tactful about it. My OH subtly told me i had put on a few pounds a few months back. At first I thought he was a cheeky bugger, as you would! but then i realised he was right, so did something about it :) it could be upsetting yes, but only if it was said nastly. Maybe you could suggest getting fit together, like swimming or walking :) That way its productive time together :)

    I totally agree Aimee! I was told in a nice way and it has sparked a total lifestyle change which is beneficial to both of us. He realises now that he caused the weight gain too by the way we lived. B x

    This is the thing, it's so easy to get into a cycle of eating badly and one of the worst things you can do is compete to split portions right down the middle!

    Personally, if I got bigger, I'd expect my partner to tell me - it's easy to not realise until you get to a size where it's hard to shift the weight so I'd want to know right away!

    Though I don't believe in scales so rarely weigh myself I will weigh myself every few months just to check there's no unnoticed weight gain or loss (which is as much as a worry as gain having been too thin in the past).

    I think having a motivator makes a huge difference - I eat well because WandA does (he has more will power than me) and I'm glad for that.

    I don't think you should feel guilty Jonny - if you were saying " she's fat, I don't want to be with her anymore" then I'd say you were being unreasonable, but saying "she's put on a bit of weight and I'd like to help her get fitter" is different! I think, for my relationship anyway, working for each other is important. Putting effort into appearance as well as other aspects of the relationship, showing each other that we don't take each other for granted - it makes for a strong relationship in my opinion.

    Adx

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