• I'm completely sexually incompatible with my boyfriend.

    1282987526
    Nookie [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't particularly want to create a morbid essay of a thread as one of the first things I do on this forum, but I feel the need to ask for a little advice or help. I wonder whether anyone has ever found themselves in the same position.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but regular 'can't keep hands off each other' sex only really lasted for the first 6 months. Since then, he has been struggling with various health issues which completely diminish his sex drive. I haven't been able to initiate sex for years. We had a series of arguments where I'd try to do so and he wouldn't be in the mood and would end up feeling horrible and inadequate (I tried everything... giving him photos, dressing up sexy in all kinds of ways, surprising him suddenly, trying to approach it slowly and gently..nothing worked). So since then our sex life basically comprises of me having learnt to control and conceal my lust, waiting until the unpredictable times once or twice a week when he might initiate sex. (I find this incredibly hard. It's very disempowering and affects my usually fine self confidence. It doesn't help that I have a very high sex drive. I'd much rather have it twice a day. Yet our situation makes me feel guilt for being this way). When we do have it it is generally very good though, I suppose that's a redeeming feature, but he can end up being very selfish in bed too. All of this reached a peak last night. I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks, and was excited about finally having sex, which I'd been fantasising about all week. As usual, I in no way hinted or tried to instigate anything. Nothing happened the evening he arrived, but last night I got home from a very exhausting day at work and got in the shower, as soon as I came out he was stood outside the door with an erection. The sex that followed was horrible. No foreplay, I was completely unprepared, and so one sided- I spent most of it giving head (mainly because he was struggling to keep it hard). There was absolutely no intimacy, and it felt so rushed and uncaring. I was left feeling like a hollow shell afterwards, and he could tell I was a bit tearful. I felt low for the rest of the evening, and felt stupid for feeling that way. Later that night, I went to turn my computer off and saw that he had left a popup on the screen accidentally, from a porn website which he had clearly used to get himself into the mood while I was in the shower (not that it appears to have worked very well). He has never had to do this before. I asked him about it and he had a huge row. He was saying that he finds it really hard to get excitable at the moment, and only did that to try to make sure he could please me.

    The porn website is partly a relief, because it completely explains why the sex felt so horrible and impersonal. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with porn in general, and I watch it a lot myself. I wouldn't even have a problem with watching it together if that's what would help him. But it was horrible to realise he tried to watch it secretly, then had sex with me, which was the worst sex I have ever had, completely selfish and rushed, with no eye contact, and not even making me feel like a person.

    I want to make it clear that I'm not some kind of prude or silly emotional woman who wants 'lovely gentle sex'. On the contrary, I'm into all sorts of things, and I can love a quickie involving really rough sex. I can love being submissive too. But in this situation the lack of any passion whatsoever was horrific.

    Do you think I'm overreacting? I'm worried about how this whole fiasco has affected me. Since then I almost cringe when he touches me and my stomach turns when I think about having sex with him. I don't know what's going to happen now.

    Does anyone have any advice or suggestions of how to best deal with this?

    1282988220
    Fr33b1rd [sign in to see picture]
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    You must sit down and talk about this with him. Not in an emotionally charged time when he's just rejected your advances or when you've just had sex. But in a supportive caring way discuss your needs and his, without open honest communication things will never get better.

    If you're not satisfied with his response to you in conversation you need to decide if your relationship can survive on his terms.

    1282988372
    Wizzie86 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm really sorry you are in such an awful situation. From a past relationship I know what it's like to do everything to try and get a partner to want you. That's what it feels like - that they don't want you and not just sexually. Feeling constantly rejected is indescribably awful and it does affect your mental health after a while. Other than the sex, how would you describe your relationship? Happy? If it is down to medical problems that your partner's sex drive is low, have you thought about talking to the doctor? Viagra isn't a great solution but they might be able to help in other ways xxx

    1282988774
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    This sounds really tricky. I should start by saying I can't see how you're overreacting, I can imagine this situation from a male perspective, and it must be very distressing for you.

    The suppression of your needs in order to make life easier is likely to have consequences. I don't know what they might be but keep an eye on that. Try not to think negatively of yourself over the unpleasant feelings which this situation has created, I bet they are quite understandable to any observer and natural, the key is how to deal with them, and to deal with them rather than ignore them.

    I'd like to say try not to hold the porn against your OH, it may be that he knows he is not fulfilling your needs and is desperately trying to be better able to.

    It sounds like one of those situations where communication is key - have you and your OH had a real honest and open talk about these issues? That will be a good thing to do IMO.

    Good luck

    1282990956
    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't see how you'rer overreacting. You've taken lots of different approaches to this situation and none have worked.

    When you saw him last night he probably felt like he had a duty to have sex with you, and from the sounds he wanted it over and done with as quickly as possible and spent the absolute minimum amount of time looking at you/ touching you. I don't blame you for cringing every time he touches you now!

    As for the porn, I think he was wrong for trying to make it a secret, maybe if you had sat and watched it together it would have been a completely different story, but he didn't.

    I just want to echo what the others have said about communication being the key (I don't know how much you've talked already). Sounds like you need to sit down with him and ask if there was a reason he treated you like a piece of meat last night? Why couldn't he look at you? This is the part that worries me - no eye contact. There could be many reasons but to me it will always mean guilt.

    I'm going to shut up now because I feel my past experiences are influencing what it supposed to be an impartial view and it's not fair.

    You're in an awful situation hun and I think you should ask yourself how much longer you can go on like this? You need to consider your own happiness.

    x

    1282992602
    linda2008 [sign in to see picture]
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    i go along with what the other posters have said you need to sit down and discuss it with him .

    1282992852
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with the above in that you are not over reacting, sex is important, intimacy is important and it's important to feel loved.

    You mentioned he has health problems... Is he on any medication?

    I know the porn was a big negative in this case but if he have been watching it to get aroused in an attempt to give you sex that's a plus, it shows he's willing to make an effort. A big problem with doing that is it can build up a situation in to something it's not and create loads of pressure to preform.

    It isn't a nice situation but with some communication and two people willing to make it work you might just find a solution.

    Good luck.

    1282993885
    Pinkilious [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow this must be so hard for you both in different ways maybe you could both see the doctor or a sexual health clinic (i have found these people tend to know a lot more than general doctors when it comes to sex problems). I would also suggest you go together and they might be able to give you tips and stuff to keep him hard etc. Let us know what you do as other people may be having the same problem : )

    1283005338
    GreekGoddess [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    I've just read your post with interest and sympathy as I have gone through something similar. The one thing I would say is that twice a day seems abit much (although I do know that peoples sex drives differ widely and perhaps lowering your sights in terms of quality versus quantity may help...you can always diy in between!)

    Early last year I noticed that sex between myself and hubby had dwindled. And it was always me initiating it. In the end I started feeling like there was something wrong with me; I felt fat (I'm not) old (I was 37) and unattractive. When we did end up having sex it was good and that made me feel worse; I ended up resenting him and thinking "well you certainly enjoyed it so why was it such an effort to get you to do it".

    I tried every which way to make him initiate it; drifting around in sexy underwear, casually pretending I was masturbating when he (finally) came to bed etc etc. But he would come to bed long after me and flop down and fall asleep within seconds. He certainly didn't seem to notice me anymore.

    But in the end, the only way we sorted it was by talking, away from the bedroom; dispassionately and honestly.

    It turned out in our case to be that he had been drinking alot; only beer but his consumption had crept up and up and I was working 6 nights a week until midnight so he would sit in front of the telly once the kids were in bed and drink. By the time I came home he was (I thought) knackered from work and helping with the kids whilst I was out. But actually the beer (4/5 cans a night) had totally robbed him of his sex drive.

    He stopped drinking after we talked and within two or three days was back on form. He now only drinks socially while we are out; I no longer work nights (he admitted to feeling very lonely; work all day, spend every night alone) and things couldn't be better.

    For a while afterward I let him start things off everytime; I had lost a lot of self confidence but now things are about equal; I know he desires me so I don't feel shy in coming forward.

    I do not know what your partners problem is but I do think that there is one; and as the other members have said; you have to sit down and talk things through. The problem will not just go away. I spent a year feeling really bad about myself and our sex life; all around me it seemed there were these sexy happy couples and I felt like I was living a lie.

    Hope you get things sorted.

    xx GG

    1283051579
    YesChef [sign in to see picture]
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    Please don't be too hard on him - I get the feeling this happened because he was trying to make you happy. After two weeks apart he knew that you'd be disappointed if sex wasn't on the menu, but if he wasn't in the mood then it was never going to be that great.

    Yes, he probably couldn't have got it more wrong, but ultimately his motive was not selfish.

    I'm guessing that if you've been together this long despite the obstacles, then your relationship is much more than purely physical. Terrible sex shouldn't therefore mean you're incompatible; it just means you both have more to learn about each other's needs.

    If your respective libidos are wildly different then I'm afraid that you'll probably find that the photos, dressing up etc. won't work - if you don't have an appetite, even the most delicious-looking cakes won't suddenly make you feel hungry.

    I know it's easy to say, and very difficult to do, but try not to let your difference in sex drive be a barrier between you. Getting into an argument is guaranteed to ensure that there's no sexytime for a while (and I speak from bitter experience here), so just enjoy the sex when he's in the mood. A little solo fun might help in between, particularly if you can get him involved (maybe tell him that you would love him to watch you use a toy - no performance required from him, but he hopefully wouldn't feel excluded).

    I really hope you work it out - just keep in mind that he probably feels just as stressed about not being able to make you happy when you need it. A bit of reassurance and praise might not go amiss - always does wonders for the male ego!

    1283075472
    toxycat [sign in to see picture]
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    mm firstly im sorry that your in this situation....must be so frustrating for you. Secondly i would say that you both need to sit down and talk frankly about this...you say because of health issues he has a diminished sex drive...........obviously that is an issue for him but its also becoming an upseting issue for you. You obviously care about this person or you would have been gone along time ago....................but you need to get things out in the open or i cant see this relationship being worth it. A relationship is about being open with one another....about give and take..............the sex you describe seems like hes just providing you with sex for sex sake.........and he obviously has no interest in the whole act..hence the reason why you feel so hollow afterwards......perhaps hes feeling guilty for not satisfying your needs..........hence the watching porn to try and get himself in the mood.

    Like i said you wont know until you both talk about it...........................either thyis is an issue that really bothering him.........or the relationship is fizzling out......................dont second guess.....talk....its the only way.....................really hope you sort things out................................and if you need anymore advice please come back on here as theres alot of people that would be happy to chat to you.......................good luck!!!

    1283075737
    Nookie [sign in to see picture]
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    Thankyou so much everyone for your responses, I'm so grateful, it's wonderful not to feel alone! :) What a lovely bunch you all are!

    In response to some of the questions, our relationship is otherwise very happy. We love being in one another's company, never tire of one another, and have a perfectly matching sense of humour etc. It seems the sex is the only problem area.

    Since I posted this thread, I have talked to my OH as you all suggested. Thankyou, you're quite right, communication really is essential. He said more about how he feels that he always lets me down. He's scared that I'll leave him for someone else if he constantly disappoints me in bed, and feels awful for the position he puts me in with his awkwardness around me initiating anything. He is much more insecure about it all than I ever realised. There are a few things which have always struck me as odd, such as the fact that he'll always cover himself up when naked unless he's erect. Literally, in 3 years of being together I've never seen his penis when he isn't turned on. I suppose in many ways his own self confidence must be what is holding him back and causing the problems. I find that confusing, as all I ever do is be complimentary and appreciative of his physical aspects. I was able, when we talked, to explain exactly how I felt about it all (well, almost... I didn't explain that I felt horribly unattracted to him suddenly, as that would hardly help the situation!) I was very surprised by the outcome of our talk. It was very open and honest, and emotional. Then to my surprise he started to kiss me quite passionately, and then kissed and spent time caressing every part of my body. My previous feelings of revulsion and cringing lifted and I was able to enjoy it and be aroused by it. We then had sex with a huge amount of eye contact, ten million times better than before. I had previously been in pieces, scared that I wouldn't be able to find him attractive or enjoy sex again, so following our talk and overcoming the sex obstacle, I feel much better. The sex lasted until he gave me a fantastic orgasm. He didn't ejaculate, but it was as though he wanted the important thing to be my own pleasure. Quite an unexpected turnaround really. We were able to have a good evening together.

    Last night, however, I had a nightmare which replayed the porn/bad sex incident but in a much mroe exaggerated and horrible way. So I've woken up feeling a bit low again, but I suppose it's inevitable that I can't immediately forget about it completely. I still a bit sick when I'm on this chair at my laptop and think about what previously happened, or walk past the top of the stairs where the sex had taken place. Hopefully time will remedy that. I really need to try to move on, and not make my boyfriend feel any worse than he already does about it.

    In answer to questions also, his health issues don't involve any medication, it's basically a case where he is undiagnosed. He gets horrible pains and cramps in his stomach and has done all sorts of tests and seen all sorts of specialists over the past 2 years but they have no idea what is wrong and no painkillers they prescribe help him. So it's understandable that his sex drive is low given that, really isn't it!

    It now remains to just see how things go from here. He has promised to be much more open with me about how he is feeling with regards to sex etc. And he has learnt a lot about what I need from that side of the relationship, and that passion and foreplay go a long way!

    Right, I must be off to work. Sorry this is a bit of an essay again! Thanks again for your help. Any further comments or suggestions are incredibly welcome.

    1283076407
    toxycat [sign in to see picture]
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    Really glad you've talked to one another....and its obviously helped.................good luck to you both...................and i would say just see how things go..............and more importantly keep talking.........things work much better when you are open with each other and know how each other is feeling................gives you something to work on!!!

    1283081487
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    *Gets coat* "Our work here is done!

    I'm glad things are now so much better! It's great when you have a partner is compatible in every way and I think sex unlike some character traits can be worked upon so good luck with that.

    It can be hard to get some perspective at times and us blokes can be a tricky sort, talking just isn't something that comes naturally to some of us! He has fears and insecurities but it can be a real effort to express then, as part of a team you can talk about them and overcome them and build a stronger relationship. The more you understand a problem the easier it is to overcome and communication is the best method to understand.

    As you say, I'm sure the laptop thing will pass once you have more positive memories to replace it with and in time.

    I'm glad things look so well for you. Happy sexing (and don't forget to communicate during sex to)!

    1283086582
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I haven't offered anything to this thread so far, Nooki, because everyone else seemed to have it covered, but I have been reading and I'm pleased things seem to be improving quite a bit! Keep up the communication!

    I'd also offer, maybe talk to him about why he's so insecure when he's not aroused. You can use the opportunity to tell him pleasure isn't all about sex, you can have pleasure from mutual oral, you don't both have to orgasm at the same time (my sex drive is a lot lower than WandA's but I suck his cock every day because I enjoy making him feel good even if I don't want anything in "return") and you can enjoy the pleasure of things without being aroused! WandA will tell you all about the beauty of a soft blow job! Tell him you love him whether he's horny or not and you just want to enjoy his body, ask him if he'd let you kiss and suck him without being hard, and tell him you won't feel bad if he stays soft for the duration because it's not about arousal, it's about pleasure! It might encourage him to realise that he can make you feel good too without being aroused himself and maybe he'll feel more confident to initiate "sex" without the worry of you expecting penetrative sex if he can't always deliver!

    As you say, it's no wonder he doesn't get aroused very much so you know it's not because he doesn't love and fancy you!

    Good luck and I hope the positives continue!

    Adxx

    1283087812
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Nookie,
    I know how you feel, my boyfriend also has a medical condition that makes him feel tired and without energy and him getting up at 5am isnt helping as most of the house doesnt go to bed until 12-1am so most nights we dont get sex.

    I do have lots of toys but I dont feel comfortable playing if anyone is here which they usually are and when he's not in the mood. I also have a high sex drive and it makes my confidence slowly disapear. The worst bit is he'll be all sexual arrosed and wanting it all day but people are around so we cant and when it comes to night time he's tired and has to be up early.

    We have sex about 2-3 times a week if we're lucky but its very close and full of emotion with both of us mutually enjoying it so that helps. Hes very sexual in other ways like he's walk up behind me and nibble my neck and stuff which is nice.

    I would like more sex but partly is because we live with my mum and brother and so dont get a lot of alone time, it will help when we get our own place.

    I am glad you talked to him, my OH feels the same way but I do seem him naked. He feels as though he isnt enough and that I'll leave him because of what he has. A few months ago I was in the same situation as you as in the porn problem, I found it on his hardrive and I asked him about and he lied then I said I found it and he said he was sorry. I felt replused at first but now I feel happy with him.

    If you fancy a chat, my email and msn addy is masquerademinx@hotmail.co.uk

    I really hope it goes well for you.

    1283095770
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    Are you sure it isn't irritable bowl syndrome your OH has got? IBS isn't diagnosable really, but only if everything else has been tested and given the all clear can IBS be considered the cause.. Maybe go back to the doctors and ask about that. There are tablets available to help the pain and cramps if it is.

    AA, You read my mind chick!!!

    Sounds just like the problems Ive been having recently.

    To the OP...

    Stress can play a HUGE role in IBS. Hense why Ive been suffering from it recently.

    Also, The porn thing I can totally relate too. I watch a hell of a lot, And I'll admit I think I have a problem,

    My point being mind is this...

    I originally started watching porn years ago out of a desire to learn about how to give women what they want.

    I had had gf's that were very demanding in our sex lives, And at the time I was very insecure, Unconfident, Narrow minded, Un adventurous and 'fridgid'. This led to me thinking I was crap in bed as I had actually been told so aswell.

    Before I met 'J' I met my first true love 'K' and decided there and then I didn't want to let her down aswell, So like I said I started watching porn.

    Yes, It did help, Tremendously, And it opened my mind and eyes to sex and relationships in a huge way.

    We both had the most amazing sex and our relationship was fantastic...

    Then I did the most regretful thing I've done in my whole life and cheated on her. I think when I look back, My confidence got the better of me and I became quite the jerk!

    We're really good friends now and she forgave me in time but man did I kick myself in the teeth for years after that.

    Anyways, Now I'm with 'J' and I've got to the point where I'm watching it every day, every night, No-longer to learn, But because I just have to!!! This hasn't been helping our problems we already have, So I've made a pact with myself to face my demon down and get a hold of it!

    I'm saying this because he may have been watching porn purely to get himself in the mood for you but also maybe he is trying to learn different techniques, and/or what you want in the sexual way??? in order to please you more.

    I'm not saying your OH has a problem with porn, I'm just thinking maybe those could be the reason's he watches it? It helps a great deal that you don't have an issue with porn mind ;)

    Anyway, I hope that helps a little, and Im glad you're working things out.

    P ;)

    1283209598
    Nookie [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for your further replies, you are all very comforting and wise I must say! I am feeling gradually better about it all, with ups and downs. I am worried about how it has damaged my confidence though. The most silly things end up revolving around my head. Like resenting my small breasts, and being unable to remove from my head the fact that he got aroused over huge breasts in porn just before having sex with me. I know, unfortunately, from accidentally seeing his 'recent searches' a while ago that when it comes to porn, he searches for very specific names of pornstars, all who have huge fake breasts. It baffles me, as he has said to me from day one that he finds fake breasts horrible, along with lots of makeup and fake tan. Why then does he get off over women who tick all those boxes! The fact that he searches for the very specific women suggests that it's what he looks for. I imagine what he says about disliking that is just something to say to 'keep the girlfriend happy'. I'm probably quite naive about all this. And the male mind is something I can't understand at all. If any men out there can enlighten me then please do!

    I should also mention that he doesn't generally suffer from erectile dysfunction at all. As rare and sparadic as the sex can be at times, he never has a problem with staying hard, other than the other day. This doesn't improve my mindset, for I jump to the conclusion that he must have got aroused over the perfect plastic bodies and huge breasts in porn, then the reality of my somewhat different body was a complete turn off for him. Again, I realise I may be being irrational, but when feeling so negative I can't remove these thoughts from my mind.

    Thanks to those who suggested IBS as the cause of his health problems. It is something which the doctors have suggested and considered often, but none of the medication they have previously prescribed him which is supposed to do wonders for IBS symptoms has ever helped. A lot of it has in fact made it worse. So it's very puzzling :/ If anyone can suggest a type of medication for IBS which has helped them then I'd be very grateful to hear of it!

    Anyway, enough of this moan, moan, whinge, whinge! It certainly isn't in my nature. I'm very saddened by the way I have suddenly become so vulnerable and insecure. It is not something I'm familiar with, or accustomed to. I have never felt so silly before! I'm worried about how this will effect my view of myself and of my boyfriend in the future. Hopefully time can heal things though :)

    1283209993
    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly I wouldn't worry that the porn stars have big fake breasts - its hard to find porn stars who are all natural. It probably has nothing to do with your body hun. (((hugs)))

    As for his stomach pains....may I ask what tests he's had done and are they accomanied by the urge to run to the loo alot? Has he lost any weight? I'm only asking because I thought I had IBS and it tunred out I had crohns disease (similar symptoms) and it killed my sex drive. xx

    1283213548
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Nookie wrote:

    Thanks for your further replies, you are all very comforting and wise I must say! I am feeling gradually better about it all, with ups and downs. I am worried about how it has damaged my confidence though. The most silly things end up revolving around my head. Like resenting my small breasts, and being unable to remove from my head the fact that he got aroused over huge breasts in porn just before having sex with me. I know, unfortunately, from accidentally seeing his 'recent searches' a while ago that when it comes to porn, he searches for very specific names of pornstars, all who have huge fake breasts. It baffles me, as he has said to me from day one that he finds fake breasts horrible, along with lots of makeup and fake tan. Why then does he get off over women who tick all those boxes! The fact that he searches for the very specific women suggests that it's what he looks for. I imagine what he says about disliking that is just something to say to 'keep the girlfriend happy'. I'm probably quite naive about all this. And the male mind is something I can't understand at all. If any men out there can enlighten me then please do!

    I should also mention that he doesn't generally suffer from erectile dysfunction at all. As rare and sparadic as the sex can be at times, he never has a problem with staying hard, other than the other day. This doesn't improve my mindset, for I jump to the conclusion that he must have got aroused over the perfect plastic bodies and huge breasts in porn, then the reality of my somewhat different body was a complete turn off for him. Again, I realise I may be being irrational, but when feeling so negative I can't remove these thoughts from my mind.

    Thanks to those who suggested IBS as the cause of his health problems. It is something which the doctors have suggested and considered often, but none of the medication they have previously prescribed him which is supposed to do wonders for IBS symptoms has ever helped. A lot of it has in fact made it worse. So it's very puzzling :/ If anyone can suggest a type of medication for IBS which has helped them then I'd be very grateful to hear of it!

    Anyway, enough of this moan, moan, whinge, whinge! It certainly isn't in my nature. I'm very saddened by the way I have suddenly become so vulnerable and insecure. It is not something I'm familiar with, or accustomed to. I have never felt so silly before! I'm worried about how this will effect my view of myself and of my boyfriend in the future. Hopefully time can heal things though :)

    As one of these strange male creatures I shall throw my thoughts out there (I'd do it anyway to be honest!)!

    To be honest I don't really think the specific pornstars mean anything, for one reason most do have big breasts and are rather orange, it's hard to find some who are not. ANother reason may be that he just went for the big names he has heard of. I don't really watch porn but the stars I can name off the top of my head all have big tits! He might just be a lazy searcher, this leads me on to the point that it generally doesn't take a lot to get many of us fellas there... A bit of a generalisation but any boobs or pussy will turn us on if we can be relaxed enough. The relaxation here is key, the porn lets him get aroused without fear of disappointing you and without pressure.

    Remember how successful communication was for you? Give it another go! Ask him, be careful not to shame or accuse him but ask him if it was just general porn to do a job or if he finds that attractive.

    Anymore questions or if I've explained it badly just ask.

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