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  1. thin line between love and hate?

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Starlight* wrote:

    Perhaps for people in a fiery relationship, the make up sex is SO worth it? xx

    See this is something the people in these relationships will often say. I find it a bit suspect tbh! I'd much rather just save the time fighting and spend the time having more sex! Just because I have a non-shouty relationship doesn't mean sex can't be rough either - we play flight, I get pinned and whipped and fucked...I don't think adding real anger to the sex would make it better at all!

    In the past I've been accused of having a "boring" relationship by comparison with these very dramatic ones ... personally I can't think of anything more boring than constant arguing! I'll take close friendship and wild sex over unkindness and insults any day!

    I do think there's something quite sinister about the propaganda about "passionate" relationships: I wonder if it's a way of romanticising a very unhappy situation in order to accept and cope with it. "It's ok that we say these dreadful things to each other - we're just showing how intesely we feel." Or even more frighteningly "it's ok that he hits me, it shows he cares enough to be jealous." At best I think these relationships would be annoying (bickering etc) but at worst I think they're terrifyingly destructive.

    xxKPxx

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    KittyPurry wrote:

    I do think there's something quite sinister about the propaganda about "passionate" relationships: I wonder if it's a way of romanticising a very unhappy situation in order to accept and cope with it. "It's ok that we say these dreadful things to each other - we're just showing how intesely we feel." Or even more frighteningly "it's ok that he hits me, it shows he cares enough to be jealous." At best I think these relationships would be annoying (bickering etc) but at worst I think they're terrifyingly destructive.

    xxKPxx

    There probably is something sinister but it makes rubbish tele and film!

    It is scary how it can be turned in to something positive.

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    KittyPurry wrote:

    I do think there's something quite sinister about the propaganda about "passionate" relationships: I wonder if it's a way of romanticising a very unhappy situation in order to accept and cope with it. "It's ok that we say these dreadful things to each other - we're just showing how intesely we feel." Or even more frighteningly "it's ok that he hits me, it shows he cares enough to be jealous." At best I think these relationships would be annoying (bickering etc) but at worst I think they're terrifyingly destructive.

    xxKPxx

    There probably is something sinister but it makes rubbish tele and film!

    It is scary how it can be turned in to something positive.

    Absolutely horrifying! I find it it completely baffling when people try and say there must be something wrong with mine and DD's relationship because we don't fight. Pain and suffering isn't something to aspire to, there's plenty of tragedy about without seeking it in your relationship too!

    xxKPxx

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I've never understood people who call each other foul names (and mean them - I mean, I call WandA knobhead all the time but I never mean it) and shout at each other for being "stupid" over trivial things...If someone makes you that mad just by basically being human, can you really love them?

    Adx

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    KittyPurry wrote:

    Absolutely horrifying! I find it it completely baffling when people try and say there must be something wrong with mine and DD's relationship because we don't fight. Pain and suffering isn't something to aspire to, there's plenty of tragedy about without seeking it in your relationship too!

    xxKPxx

    I had a friend, a lovely bloke, charming and a real gentleman....his girlfriend split up with him because he was too nice and never shouted at her.

    People think it's normal, that's what's scary!

    Adx

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    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
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    KittyPurry wrote:


    I do think there's something quite sinister about the propaganda about "passionate" relationships: I wonder if it's a way of romanticising a very unhappy situation in order to accept and cope with it. "It's ok that we say these dreadful things to each other - we're just showing how intesely we feel." Or even more frighteningly "it's ok that he hits me, it shows he cares enough to be jealous." At best I think these relationships would be annoying (bickering etc) but at worst I think they're terrifyingly destructive.

    xxKPxx

    Yeah, I find that really unsettling when (in my experience, mostly women) get upset when their partner isn't jealous or possessive, as if that's something you'd want in a relationship. It's just a form of control, someone trying to have power over you... that's not love!

    I'd be like you, Ad, in that once I get over an annoyance, it leaves my head forever. It can sometimes take me a while to figure out what exactly has bothered me about something, but once I do, I have to address it straight away -- otherwise, resentment builds up.

    I think that's one benefit of having an argument or simply dealing with someone rather than shoving it under the carpet - if it's left, it gets forgotten about, and then the next time it happens, the argument is twice as bad.

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    KittyPurry wrote:

    Absolutely horrifying! I find it it completely baffling when people try and say there must be something wrong with mine and DD's relationship because we don't fight. Pain and suffering isn't something to aspire to, there's plenty of tragedy about without seeking it in your relationship too!

    xxKPxx

    I had a friend, a lovely bloke, charming and a real gentleman....his girlfriend split up with him because he was too nice and never shouted at her.

    People think it's normal, that's what's scary!

    Adx

    It's surely gonna perpetuate the problem of people being horrible too: If a guy is constantly getting dumped for being "too nice" (whatever the fuck that means!) he's gonna at least think about acting like a prick to try and get a girl to like him!

    xxKPxx

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    shellyboo wrote:

    I think that's one benefit of having an argument or simply dealing with someone rather than shoving it under the carpet - if it's left, it gets forgotten about, and then the next time it happens, the argument is twice as bad.

    This was exactly my point!

    Glad you understood me :)

    Adx

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    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    shellyboo wrote:

    I think that's one benefit of having an argument or simply dealing with someone rather than shoving it under the carpet - if it's left, it gets forgotten about, and then the next time it happens, the argument is twice as bad.

    This was exactly my point!

    Glad you understood me :)

    Adx

    Oh I understand totally! I once had a boyfriend who would flat-out refuse to discuss issues we had because, and I quote "you'll get annoyed at me". Well, yeah, and it's gonna keep happening unless we discuss stuff dude! :D Though I'm sure Wanda would never have that intention, it felt a lot to me like being dismissed/ignored.

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    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    If someone makes you that mad just by basically being human, can you really love them?

    People are free to feel how they do and love who they do, I am not sure it is our place to doubt the depth of their feeling.

    Some people have "an artistic temprament" and are naturally quite fiery, but those same people can be very loving and sensitive.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    KittyPurry wrote:

    It's surely gonna perpetuate the problem of people being horrible too: If a guy is constantly getting dumped for being "too nice" (whatever the fuck that means!) he's gonna at least think about acting like a prick to try and get a girl to like him!

    xxKPxx

    Oh definitely - my brother, and my fake brother (a very close friend who I sadly rarely speak to these days) have both said that they ought to try being horrible to have a good relationship because they both get stuck as "friends" with girls. It's sad because as you say, it perpetuates the problem! My close friend is one of the nicest blokes I've ever met and has had nothing but shit in his life, he deserves a lovely lady for company but it just won't happen for now :(

    Adx

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    shellyboo wrote:

    KittyPurry wrote:


    I do think there's something quite sinister about the propaganda about "passionate" relationships: I wonder if it's a way of romanticising a very unhappy situation in order to accept and cope with it. "It's ok that we say these dreadful things to each other - we're just showing how intesely we feel." Or even more frighteningly "it's ok that he hits me, it shows he cares enough to be jealous." At best I think these relationships would be annoying (bickering etc) but at worst I think they're terrifyingly destructive.

    xxKPxx

    Yeah, I find that really unsettling when (in my experience, mostly women) get upset when their partner isn't jealous or possessive, as if that's something you'd want in a relationship. It's just a form of control, someone trying to have power over you... that's not love!

    I'd be like you, Ad, in that once I get over an annoyance, it leaves my head forever. It can sometimes take me a while to figure out what exactly has bothered me about something, but once I do, I have to address it straight away -- otherwise, resentment builds up.

    I think that's one benefit of having an argument or simply dealing with someone rather than shoving it under the carpet - if it's left, it gets forgotten about, and then the next time it happens, the argument is twice as bad.

    I never leave it long enough for any resentment to build up - just a couple of hours or so to get it straight in my head. When I'm upset I can never articulate why, often because I don't know - all I can feel is a sort of originless hurt. I will generally say "I'm upset but I don't know why" and DD either gives me space (or hugs depending on my needs) till I can work it out enough to explain myself.

    xxKPxx

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    shellyboo wrote:

    it felt a lot to me like being dismissed/ignored.

    Sound familiar WandA?

    He absolutely doesn't intend to dismiss me but when he doesn't want to discuss something he refuses to look at me and just says "ok" over and over. I get that his way of dealing with things is to distance himself, but the way he goes about it can seem really dismissive like you say.

    Although he is putting effort in for my benefit (not that he really needs too, they're my silly little insecurities), he will come and give me a cuddle and say "let's leave this for now, I love you" and it's much better for me. If he gets dismissive I get really upset because I think I've upset him enough to not want to talk to me but just a little reassurance goes a long way

    We have clashing styles - but the longer we are together, the more we slip into alignment!

    Adx

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    If someone makes you that mad just by basically being human, can you really love them?

    People are free to feel how they do and love who they do, I am not sure it is our place to doubt the depth of their feeling.

    Some people have "an artistic temprament" and are naturally quite fiery, but those same people can be very loving and sensitive.

    Are you sure you're not thinking of ferrets there?

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    If someone makes you that mad just by basically being human, can you really love them?

    People are free to feel how they do and love who they do, I am not sure it is our place to doubt the depth of their feeling.

    Some people have "an artistic temprament" and are naturally quite fiery, but those same people can be very loving and sensitive.

    But is being mad by someone's breathing an artistic temprament or just plain hatred?

    Adx

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    If someone makes you that mad just by basically being human, can you really love them?

    People are free to feel how they do and love who they do, I am not sure it is our place to doubt the depth of their feeling.

    Some people have "an artistic temprament" and are naturally quite fiery, but those same people can be very loving and sensitive.

    Noone is questioning anyones right to feel what they like, but I do think the way you treat someone is a reflection of how you feel about them. I don't think that name-calling, cruelty, violence etc. come from the same place as love at all.

    It annoys me that people think your capacity to hate is linked to your capacity to love...I am not into hating people at all but I love very deeply indeed! If anything I'd think the opposite was true, we have a finite amount of energy after all, if people are wasting it on hate and violence they're gonna be loosing it from somewhere else!

    xxKPxx

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    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    i was in a relationship that was fiery....and looking back I would have hated to be in our company but it sort of creeps on on you...starts with silly comments and often ends in insults over the years.

    I now have a very different relationship, I am so much happier and feel loved and valued.

    Now the comments i make and are made to me are loving and caring rather than cutting and hurtful.

    If i am annoyed I will talk abut it, give my point of view (somethign I am gd at ) then talk about it rather than having a screaming match.

    I use to think good sex came ffrom a passionate realationship but now know great sex comes form great communicating.

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    smirnoff09 wrote:

    i was in a relationship that was fiery....and looking back I would have hated to be in our company but it sort of creeps on on you...starts with silly comments and often ends in insults over the years.

    I now have a very different relationship, I am so much happier and feel loved and valued.

    Now the comments i make and are made to me are loving and caring rather than cutting and hurtful.

    If i am annoyed I will talk abut it, give my point of view (somethign I am gd at ) then talk about it rather than having a screaming match.

    I use to think good sex came ffrom a passionate realationship but now know great sex comes form great communicating.

    Examples like these make it harder to understand the causes. If you are now in a loving 'non-hating' relationship just where does it come from and why... Strange.

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    Who's arse AA

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    Who's arse AA ?

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