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  1. Sexless Relationship

    1282075544
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey everyone, I've not been on here in a while but I need some advice/ opinions. I'm 20 and in a 4 year relationship... and I have no sex drive AT ALL. I don't want to have sex with my partner anymore, I barely think about sex at all anymore, it's not even in the back of my mind as it always used to be. I just can't be bothered with it.

    I don't know what to do. I've tried all of the stuff to make things more exciting in my relationship but it doesn't work anymore. I just don't want him at all.

    Is this the end? Is there any point in staying in a relationship where there's no sex?

    Opinions pleas!

    1282075627
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you discussed it with a doc of things are so bad?

    1282075780
    jay2010 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey. I guess it comes down to if you love them or not. If you do, then you can make it work. It's the opposite to the fab sex but nothin in common dilemma. If you have a strong bond and love each other then knowin you have them will make up for lack of sex

    1282075787
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    As in have I been to the doctors? No, should I? I like reading erotic fiction and stuff, so I still think about sex a little but I never ever masturbate because I get nothing from it. We didn't have sex for three weeks and I felt no different, I wasn't feeling any need for an orgasm whatsoever.

    1282075969
    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
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    How long has the situation been this way? That will shape the answers you get. Has your partner said anything? Have you spoken about it together.

    1282075987
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    I love him a lot. But when it comes to sex I feel... dare I say it?... repulsed by him. He's attractive but I don't want him in that way. It's become more like a friendship.

    1282076081
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes we have spoken about it, I told him how I felt and he said he'd be patient. But he still kept going on about sex. Like if I asked him what he wanted to do for the day he'd say "sex- but I know that's not going to happen" so I feel guilty about it. It's been like this for a few months.

    1282076188
    jay2010 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think if you dont find him attractive then it will be a problem. You are only 20 but you need to ask yourself 'do i see myself wakin up next to him in 30 years time'. If you do then it is worth fighting for and working things out. If you don't then you might need to end it now as it not be fair on both of you. Sex is important but it shouldn't be the deciding factor (in my opinion)

    1282076295
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    dotdashdot wrote:

    Hey everyone, I've not been on here in a while but I need some advice/ opinions. I'm 20 and in a 4 year relationship... and I have no sex drive AT ALL. I don't want to have sex with my partner anymore, I barely think about sex at all anymore, it's not even in the back of my mind as it always used to be. I just can't be bothered with it.

    I don't know what to do. I've tried all of the stuff to make things more exciting in my relationship but it doesn't work anymore. I just don't want him at all.

    Is this the end? Is there any point in staying in a relationship where there's no sex?

    Opinions pleas!

    I only mention the docs because of that.

    If you have noticed a drastic change it might be worth consulting a doctor or councillor for some professional advice.

    1282076347
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    I just don't want sex in general, with anybody. I don't know if it's me or him that's causing the problem- it might just be me not wanting sex and therefore not wanting him or anybody, or it could be that I'm not attracted to him anymore which is causing my sex drive to go downhill. I'm not distraught or depressed about it, I don't feel much about it at all it's just... there. It's happening and I don't know what to do about it or if I want to do anything about it. I'm not happy, I don't want to be in a sexless relationship.

    1282076510
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi hun, I'm actually in the same boat as you. I've not had sex in months with my OH, but still use toys now and again (I have to say that sex toy sales at LH have probably soared due to me lol). It's not as though I want to feel this way, and if I could change it then I would. I know it can't be nice for my OH thinking there's something wrong. I don't know what to suggest as I'm a little confused myself, but jay2010 is right. Definately ask yourself if you really still do love him. It might just be the whole routine of things, I know you said you've tried spicing things up but have you pushed both your boundaries to a level your both confortable with?

    It may well be your sex drive though, maybe a result of medication/ the pill/ stress/ worry etc. I told the doctor about my sex drive being non existent for my OH and he suggested doing a blood test to reveal any low hormones, but I don't think it's that. Deep down I think I know the answer, I just can't bring myself to do it.

    I hope that you no longer feel alone in feeling this way now that you know I feel the same right now. I'm just sorry I can't offer you any real advice or help, just that if you do love him and he loves you enough, he will stand by you through this difficult spell and be caring and understanding towards it and you, although frustrating for both of you, and maybe you'll come through it stronger.

    rb

    x x

    1282077320
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    dotdashdot wrote:

    Hey everyone, I've not been on here in a while but I need some advice/ opinions. I'm 20 and in a 4 year relationship... and I have no sex drive AT ALL. I don't want to have sex with my partner anymore, I barely think about sex at all anymore, it's not even in the back of my mind as it always used to be. I just can't be bothered with it.

    I don't know what to do. I've tried all of the stuff to make things more exciting in my relationship but it doesn't work anymore. I just don't want him at all.

    Is this the end? Is there any point in staying in a relationship where there's no sex?

    Opinions pleas!

    Hi there!

    I think the right thing to do here depends on so many different things I don't really know where to start! I shall just sort of throw some thoughts out there for you to consider, sorry if it's a bit haphazard, I'm VERY tired after many hours at work!

    - You say you don't want him at all, that's a pretty strongly negative statement and asking "is there any point in staying in a relationship without sex" also sounds quite defeatist. How do you really feel about your partner? Are you still in love with him? Were you ever? If you were but you're not any more, what has changed that might have caused it?

    - Does he still want &/or love you?

    - Do you talk to each other about your feelings and sex life? If not I'd make this a priority and maybe seek professional couples counselling (Relate are a reputable service), talking might help get to the bottom of what might be happening.

    - As WandA said I'd also consider seeing a doctor. Before you go try and write down the following points to discuss with him/her: when you first noticed your sex drive dwindling and what else was going on in your life at the time.

    - My partner's happiness is always more important to me than my own and sex is also quite a big part of our relationship so even if I lost my sex drive I know I'd want to make sure my partner was physically satisfied. If (god forbid) it did happen I'd encourage him to use things like the Tenga products more often and would make sure I gave him head regularly and slept naked with him so we wouldn't loose any sexual intimacy and he would still get pleasure.

    Sorry again if it's a bit incoherent, hope it was vaguely useful

    xxKPxx

    1282077630
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi KP, I found that useful. I wish I wasn't feeling this way either, we used to have such a good sex life, but it's like now I've become distant and detatched, and I've asked myself time and time again why, and I can't find the answer no matter how hard I try and think. He's not done anything to make me feel this way, sometimes I wish he had as it would make it easier to understand.

    rb

    x x

    1282077900
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Could you be depressed?

    How are things in other aspects of your life and relationship?

    More info would be useful

    Adx

    1282078156
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    she says she isn;t depressed, I'm not either just bored and fed up with things and hate the thought of it with my OH. I know thats wrong but he's everything else I've ever wanted in a partner and more. It's just not the same anymore and I don't know what to do to get it back.

    x x

    1282078834
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I thought Dotda said she wasn't depressed about the situation, rather than not depressed at all.

    The apathy DDS seems to express, sounds like depression to me. I may be (and probably am) wrong, *but* depression takes many different forms and it's very easy to not even realise. Being medically depressed doesn't just mean feeling "down".

    I think seeing a doctor is definitely advisable in DDS' situation :)

    Adx

    1282078993
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah I suppose but then pumping your body of antidepressant tablets should they prescribe them isn't good. they just mask your true feelings and add to the confusion. I don't agree with them. I feel thought that they would benefit from seeing a relationship therapist.

    x x

    1282079189
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    ronnie-baby wrote:

    Yeah I suppose but then pumping your body of antidepressant tablets should they prescribe them isn't good. they just mask your true feelings and add to the confusion. I don't agree with them. I feel thought that they would benefit from seeing a relationship therapist.

    x x

    Not suggesting antidepressants...suggesting seeing a doctor.

    Depression doesn't always need ADs, sometimes just being aware of a problem can make it easier to tackle :) for that, medical advice is probably best.

    Relationship therapist is als a good suggestion.

    Adx

    1282080440
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
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    As a wider issue I would say that sexless relationships can work - it's simply a matter of balancing the desires of two people. You need to be on the same page.

    In your position I would be ruling out any medical issues - depression, hormonal contraception - are you on the pill/injection/Mirena/implant? Loss of sex drive is a common side effect of hormonal contraception.

    Once past that, you need to think about whether the issue is you or your partner. Do you not want sex with anyone, or is the issue that you specifically don't want to have sex with him? If you still love him and want to be with him without sex then you need to talk to him.

    Have you talked about the issue before?

    1282081832
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, sorry I had to go off the computer for a while. I'm not depressed. I have suffered from depression in the past and I know that I'm not now. In fact, I'm fairly happy with life at the moment... just not sex obviously!

    I had the implant put in 6 months ago so this could be down to hormonal changes, but I just don't think that's it. I think it's all psychological. I have a feeling that I know what it's about. I'm going to uni in 5 weeks and there's going to be a big distance between us. I'm not going to have the time or money to come home very often and see him and I think this is how I'm reacting to the fear of me going away.

    I don't know if this is the problem... everything is a bit confused and muddled up in my head. I don't know if my lack of sex drive is self sabotage, trying to get me to detatch as much as possible so it's easier when I leave.

    Or it might just be because I don't feel for him as I used to. I really don't know.

    We do talk about things a lot, we aren't one of those couples that keep everything locked away and don't discuss our feelings. He still wants me and loves me but I'm just not sure if I feel the same way. I do love him but since I've become repulsed by sex I haven't been very "interested" in our relationship either. I just feel very... numb.

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