• How Long Does Love Take...

    1280936670
    Vampyrewillow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 416
    • Joined: 26 Jan 2009

    It really bugs me!

    we got engaged christmas 2008 but due to my partner's friend breaking up with his girlfriend and having a go at my OH saying that he'd gave away his life etc my partner got scared and was going to break up because we were "too serious" i however said well why break up when you still love me? and i still love you?

    long story short we ended up getting un-engaged. nothing between us however is any different we are still the same with each other, so the only thing that scared him was my ring.

    but as you can imagine that has now caused us to be scoffed at even more!

    i'm not bothered what people i barely know think, but when it is family it gets extremely annoying!

    VW x

    1280936710
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    We got together at 15 and 16, are now 20 and 21 and I still find people expect me to "explain" my reasons when I say we're engaged.

    Particularly to my dad, who got married when he was 22 and they'd been together a year and a half and is still with the woman he married.

    I think it'll get better in the future - the near future I hope. It is better than it was but still not perfect.

    It doesn't matter what other people think though, they'll realise they were wrong.

    Adx

    1280937144
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 614
    • Joined: 7 Dec 2009

    When i met my OH i knew we would be together, i fancied him at first sight and he felt the same. We were together about a month before he moved in and i was pregant within 3 months (a happy surprise ) We have only spent 7 nights apart since then and that was when he broke his back and was in hospital, i didn't even stay in over night when i had my two children because i just wanted to be at home with him, i knew i loved him before i fell pregnant but i'm not sure when the lust changed to love, no actually not changed added to because i still fancy him like mad! It has been hard especially at the start, we were both young but we love eachother more and more every day, we have been together 10 years this year

    1280937199
    Vampyrewillow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 416
    • Joined: 26 Jan 2009

    My mum seems to find our "relationship" hilarious, she thinks its just childs play,

    she got with my dad when she was 16 and he was 18 and they were engaged in 6 months, they never married and broke up 28 years later, but she is now with an alcoholic idiot who controls her and moved in with us before they ever met and has continued to use her, and very recently publicly slated me calling me all kinds and she is still with him,

    she hasn't even known him a year but will laugh and me and my partner being together!

    my OH treats me a hell of a lot better than he will ever treat her!

    Exactly, they will realise they were wrong, people can fall in love at any age and frequently do!

    whenever i moan to someone about people judging me the person i'm moaning to always has an example of someone who got together very young and is still happy!

    VW x

    1280937601
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    Vampyrewillow wrote:

    whenever i moan to someone about people judging me the person i'm moaning to always has an example of someone who got together very young and is still happy!

    VW x

    That's the thing - it does happen, it's rare for youngsters to fall in love and stay in love but it *does* happen and when you know, you know. Some youngsters are naive, but many are wiser than people give them credit for.

    Adx

    1280940183
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 314
    • Joined: 10 May 2010

    I think that it's not true that you are by default stronger in your relationship if you have been together for a long time. However, what does happen over time is that you share life experiences that (hopefully) bring you closer together, enable you to bond and become more strong as a couple. This is inevitable (all statements assuming a successful and happy relationship).

    I think it becomes very easy, once you have an established relationship to regard those with new relationships as less, if you see what I mean? This comes down to seeing yourself how much better you know your partner after X amount of years together, how different things are now compared to when you had been together for 6 months. That's not to say that you didn't feel things for real back then, and you know that you did, but almost as if your version is the real one. Of course, there is another you, 10, 20, 30 years down the line, thinking the same thing about your 10 year old relationship too.

    I'm not sure about definitions of love. Like you, AD, I don't believe in love at first sight. I think that after a while, love just becomes your state, how you are. It's the default position in my relationship. It's a given that yes, I love him. Eventually, falling out of love doesn't become the main worry, rather it becomes being taken for granted. It's not exciting any more - though of course there is still passion, and exciting moments. But it's not dull - just normal. The relationship encroaches into every aspect of your life (not in a scary obsessive way, just in the background, it just is) and you don't have to fret about it any more.

    I'm not sure if that's come out right. HS and I got together at 20. I'm sure some people thought we were too young (we were engaged after a year) - all of our friends are only just starting to settle down now and we are the only ones with children.

    1280942869
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    Something that does/did worry me (I'm not sure if it still does) is how getting older will influence the relationship. I get much of my intimacy from sex and I expect the frequency we have sex to decrease as we age. It used to worry me more than than because now the love has evolved in to a deeper type of love that is less based on lust and is more a Platonic love.

    1280943786
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    WandA wrote:

    Something that does/did worry me (I'm not sure if it still does) is how getting older will influence the relationship. I get much of my intimacy from sex and I expect the frequency we have sex to decrease as we age. It used to worry me more than than because now the love has evolved in to a deeper type of love that is less based on lust and is more a Platonic love.

    As long as you cuddle me, I'll sex you!

    Point being that after a while you realise that love is about giving as well as receiving - I get affection more from cuddles, you get it more from sex (though we both get some affection from cuddles and sex) and because we love each other, we make sure we both feel that love and affection by giving :)

    I think, for me, our relationship doesn't seem to have changed - and yet it does. I do love him more than I did, but it's also a different situation so it's hard to compare.

    I don't feel we're any stronger than we were in fact probably less so - I couldn't go back to being long distance, I couldn't cope with losing him. I feel more dependant and yet more independant - I don't feel I *need* him to profess his love at every moment, yet I almost feel I couldn't survive if that love wasn't there.

    I find it hard to say our relationship is better now, it's certainly happier, but our previous "love" has to have existed the way it did, we have to have done long distance for our relationship to be as happy as it is now, we rarely take each other for granted having been separated for so long.

    It's almost, 2 different types of love - for example when we first got together, he didn't care what money he spent as long as it made me happy, he'd buy me silly things just to make me smile and happily spend every penny he owned on me....now he's a tight bastard but it's because he wants to save that money for *our* future, he wants to give *us* the best possible start in our shared life.

    I guess it's the way people separate being "in love" and "loving" someone.

    It's all very confusing!

    Adx

    1280945694
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 314
    • Joined: 10 May 2010

    WandA wrote:

    Something that does/did worry me (I'm not sure if it still does) is how getting older will influence the relationship. I get much of my intimacy from sex and I expect the frequency we have sex to decrease as we age. It used to worry me more than than because now the love has evolved in to a deeper type of love that is less based on lust and is more a Platonic love.

    It's understandable to worry about that but it's not as concerning as you think it is. You do have less sex as you get older (generally speaking) but I think that it's ok, because your desire matches up with the action (assuming your union is happy with no sexual frustration - we can't keep up with our 20 year old selves). So it won't be the case that you will have the appetite that you have now but the sex happening doesn't match up - your relationship will change to accommodate both of your changing needs as you get older.

    1280945931
    Firewolf [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 143
    • Joined: 28 Jul 2010

    Me and my OH got together about 4 years ago and are still a very happy couple now! We met at highschool during the first year, and got together in the third. I do admit that in the beginning I was very very shy, because in all honesty he was the first 'real' relationship that I have, so getting me to say I love you took me quite some time. He's the only guy that I've ever had sex with (and no, don't you dare and feel sorry for me for that), and I don't think I've missed out on anything- at all.

    Though since I dislike the thought of marriage, and he very much likes it, we clash on that point. Though since we both still go to school and such he promised that I have about 3-4 years more to change my mind on it (or he'll make me, he said rather).

    I do love him a lot, truely do- He's mine and mine only, rawr.

    1280947217
    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1796
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2008

    Wow Ad what a question! There is no definitive answer to it. In my own experience of being married and divorced and in a new relationship. . . . love takes forever. It changes as you get older, the relationship matures as does your love for one another. It's like it's a living entity. It can make your heart slam into your chest, stop you from sleeping, make you laugh, make you cry, make you sick in your stomach, sick with rage, jealous, turn your life inside out and upside down in an instant. Like most things in life it takes practice, hard work and looking after constantly to make sure it doesn't get taken for granted. We all think we know that we are in love more than any lovers on the face of the earth ever, nobody loves each other like we do! But you just don't know what's around the corner in my experience. So whatever love is take a good grip on it and keep hold of it and enjoy every second of it. Because at the end of the day when you're taking your final breath it's not going to be that brilliant telly we used to have or that flash car I once had or all the material shit we all have that you're going to be thinking about. Because at the end of the day all you'll have is love. So look after it. Be nice! :-)

    1280952591
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    telemachus wrote:

    It's understandable to worry about that but it's not as concerning as you think it is. You do have less sex as you get older (generally speaking) but I think that it's ok, because your desire matches up with the action (assuming your union is happy with no sexual frustration - we can't keep up with our 20 year old selves). So it won't be the case that you will have the appetite that you have now but the sex happening doesn't match up - your relationship will change to accommodate both of your changing needs as you get older.

    I did think this which is why I started to worry less as I've already noticed a change in my love without any loss of love if that makes sense. Thank you for the wisdom though Tele!

    1280952616
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    telemachus wrote: It's understandable to worry about that but it's not as concerning as you think it is. You do have less sex as you get older (generally speaking) but I think that it's ok, because your desire matches up with the action (assuming your union is happy with no sexual frustration - we can't keep up with our 20 year old selves). So it won't be the case that you will have the appetite that you have now but the sex happening doesn't match up - your relationship will change to accommodate both of your changing needs as you get older. I did think this which is why I started to worry less as I've already noticed a change in my love without any loss of love if that makes sense. Thank you for the wisdom though Tele!

    1280952655
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    O dear. The internet doesn't like me!

    1280952890
    tallboy247 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 981
    • Joined: 7 Jul 2008

    Hmm took up with my first love aged 16....... she kicked me into touch 4 years later.. no reason given at the time-she went on and achieved greatness. Recently got back in touch 33 years later, no intervening contact. She regrets having done it, reckons we are soul mates- and should never have parted- the candle still burns brightly for both of us!!! Now knowing the real article, there is no mistake....... fate l guess.

    TB

    1280956515
    wenchiepie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 139
    • Joined: 9 May 2010

    For me, i'm not sure how long it took. I met my boyfriend in late november, we had immediate chemistry, but i thought he liked my friend, so i just ignored my feelings. He says he decided i was the one within 10 seconds of meeting me....i doubt it cos if i remember, first thing i said to him was 'who the heck are you? do you work here?' then spent the day getting his name wrong......instant 'the one' potential.

    I didn't love him straight away, i mean i loved him cos he was my boyfriend, but I wasn't 'in love' straight away, i think i was scared by the fact he was, he told me he loved me on day 2 of our relationship also everyone kept telling me that if i didn't feel in love straight away i never would. I was trying to force feelings that weren't there.

    But anyway, the point that i think i really stopped listening to them was this really silly day, i pointed out these wineglasses i loved but couldn't justify buying in passing. Even though he'd sprained his ankle he ran across town on his lunch break to buy me 4. I hadn't realised how well he knew me or that he paid attention to those silly little things i said. That was the turning point for me, after that i just let feelings come naturally, i wasn't trying to force them.

    Long story short, its our 5 month anniversary on sunday. I love him, i really really love him. I know already I want to spend my life with him, hes not perfect, but i don't need him to be, i need him to be just the way he is. I know 5 months is probably still 'the honeymoon period' but i'm sure of this already, plus my parents got engaged after 3 months together, they celelbrated their 31st wedding anniversary last month. I believe that love comes when it comes, you can't predict how long it will take or if it will even turn up.

    Wow, this is an essay, kudos to anyone who reads it all.....they will get a purple leg hug for being so dedicated to my rambling haha

    1280959480
    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2582
    • Joined: 18 Apr 2010

    wenchiepie wrote:

    For me, i'm not sure how long it took. I met my boyfriend in late november, we had immediate chemistry, but i thought he liked my friend, so i just ignored my feelings. He says he decided i was the one within 10 seconds of meeting me....i doubt it cos if i remember, first thing i said to him was 'who the heck are you? do you work here?' then spent the day getting his name wrong......instant 'the one' potential.

    I didn't love him straight away, i mean i loved him cos he was my boyfriend, but I wasn't 'in love' straight away, i think i was scared by the fact he was, he told me he loved me on day 2 of our relationship also everyone kept telling me that if i didn't feel in love straight away i never would. I was trying to force feelings that weren't there.

    But anyway, the point that i think i really stopped listening to them was this really silly day, i pointed out these wineglasses i loved but couldn't justify buying in passing. Even though he'd sprained his ankle he ran across town on his lunch break to buy me 4. I hadn't realised how well he knew me or that he paid attention to those silly little things i said. That was the turning point for me, after that i just let feelings come naturally, i wasn't trying to force them.

    Long story short, its our 5 month anniversary on sunday. I love him, i really really love him. I know already I want to spend my life with him, hes not perfect, but i don't need him to be, i need him to be just the way he is. I know 5 months is probably still 'the honeymoon period' but i'm sure of this already, plus my parents got engaged after 3 months together, they celelbrated their 31st wedding anniversary last month. I believe that love comes when it comes, you can't predict how long it will take or if it will even turn up.

    Wow, this is an essay, kudos to anyone who reads it all.....they will get a purple leg hug for being so dedicated to my rambling haha

    Just read it all. I am very glad you are very happy. Me and the OH had instant chemistry aswell. Lol about the getting his name wrong, he sounds like a sweetie, good luck to both of you xxx

    1280962119
    titania [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 92
    • Joined: 24 Jul 2009

    Its lovely reading everyone's different stories about their unique experiences of faling in love!

    I don't see why people's love should be taken any less seriously just because of their age or amount of time they've spent together. It does evolve over time but I don't think that makes the earlier stages any less meaningful.

    I don't remember feeling any less in love in the relationships I had when I was younger, before I met my husband. I do remember feeling terribly shocked when I realised it was possible to fall in love with someone and yet be made terribly unhappy by it. That wasn't what happened in all the fairytales I grew up on!

    I met my husband when I was 23, after the horribly traumatic breakup of a two year, long distance relationship with a guy I'd really loved. That break up was one of the worst experiences of my life. As a result (and convinced by my ex that I was too needy to have a successful relationship) I swore I'd never fall in love again. Ha ha!

    When I started going out with my husband I was waiting for a foreign work permit and told him I wasn't looking for love, in fact that I had no intention of falling in love with him. How ridiculous is that! I think it was about a year before I admitted that I had fallen for him. I still went abroad but only for 9 months and then we went travelling together. Now its been 15 years and we have two kids. You just can't decide how these things are going to turn out...

    1280965163
    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 623
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2010

    i had crssed passed with my OH when we were teens but never really got to know each other then we had a random meeting online and realised we had been around the same places and people at the same time..we became friends and it was when I found myself texting him or calling him to tell him stupid things through out my day that I realised how much he meant to me...His dedication to me when I was very ill with swine flu did it i guess lol

    How he coped with a sick then very grumpy not as sick me I never know lol

    I had said for a long time I was not interested in havign a relatonship as I was going to focus on me and my girls but well 18mths later we are very much a couple...

    1280965861
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    This seems like a funny question to me. Maybe its just me and my personality, but I can't imagine getting with someone that I didn't love right from the word go. Having said that, I have been rather lucky with my love life. The guy who is now my boyfriend was chasing me for six years, and he loved me that whole time. He hid it most of the time though, as he realised after a while that he was freaking me out by saying it. Eventually we became really good friends and I started loving him too.

    I'd never been the type to get with guys who just proclaimed they fancied or loved me, which is why I think so many of my friends went wrong. They would just play the dating game and try out all sorts of different guys.

    I think its to do with my shyness. I used to be really really shy, and its only in recent years I've managed to overcome it somewhat. I couldnt bear getting into a relationship with someone I didn't love. Unlike what my peers thought, being single was better than being in a relationship, any relationship. When I eventually made the leap, it had to be with someone I was certain things would work out okay with.

    We actually got together after I told him I loved him, and he said it back (confirming what I had thought for a long time - he still loved me but had said otherwise up until that point), which I suppose answers the original question.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.