• what is acceptable for you?

    1279805659
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 714
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2007

    I'm on my iPhone at the mo so can't reply properly at the moment I just want to make something clear after LHs post

    I'm NOT (don't have bold so had to use caps sorry) talking about normal flirting/banter I'm talking about when it's crossed over from that into privet sexual msgs with someone that isn't your partner.

    I only mentioned the forums cos I had read an exchange between to people who were flirting about what they had been talking about via privet msgs to each other.

    Which then got me wondering what other people found acceptable. In there relationships.

    1279805947
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 315
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Cor you've opened a can of worms eh diamonds! It's certainly interesting to read what others consider fair and so on though, so a good topic IMO.

    1279813310
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 614
    • Joined: 7 Dec 2009

    For me flirting is ok, if it's on a fourum it's fine, i wold be a bit peed off if i found out OH had been texting someone as for me thats taking it too far. I like to have a little bit of a flirt or a bit of banter but i would never take it any further.

    1279813490
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 614
    • Joined: 7 Dec 2009

    xxbrown-eyed-kittyxx wrote:

    OK I'll try and explain as I'm one of those your post is about.

    A lot of you on here are a lot younger than me and may or may not be married. I have been married for nearly 20 years to a man who shows me no affection. Why not leave you are probably wondering, well the simple answer to that is that we have children so I put my unhappiness with my marriage aside for them.

    I make an effort with my marriage, I do everything I can to make sure our children have a happy home life despite my husband not reciprocating but the affection and attention I get from someone online (particularly the man I'm involved with right now) gives me a buzz, makes me feel as though there is someone out there that appreciates me and finds me attractive and gets me through each day when I feel that the one person that should love me really doesn't seem to like me very much let alone love me.

    Communication is the key I know but when you have a husband that won't talk it is very difficult to get anywhere. I've tried having conversations about how things are but he will not discuss it with me.

    Don't feel bad hun you are an adult you are free to do as you please! xx

    1279813493
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 614
    • Joined: 7 Dec 2009

    xxbrown-eyed-kittyxx wrote:

    OK I'll try and explain as I'm one of those your post is about.

    A lot of you on here are a lot younger than me and may or may not be married. I have been married for nearly 20 years to a man who shows me no affection. Why not leave you are probably wondering, well the simple answer to that is that we have children so I put my unhappiness with my marriage aside for them.

    I make an effort with my marriage, I do everything I can to make sure our children have a happy home life despite my husband not reciprocating but the affection and attention I get from someone online (particularly the man I'm involved with right now) gives me a buzz, makes me feel as though there is someone out there that appreciates me and finds me attractive and gets me through each day when I feel that the one person that should love me really doesn't seem to like me very much let alone love me.

    Communication is the key I know but when you have a husband that won't talk it is very difficult to get anywhere. I've tried having conversations about how things are but he will not discuss it with me.

    Don't feel bad hun you are an adult you are free to do as you please! xx

    1279814939
    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 716
    • Joined: 24 Apr 2010

    xxbrown-eyed-kittyxx wrote:

    I get what you say about the children but you can't say it wouldn't affect them greatly if their dad and I were to split up. As well as the emotional impact on everyone involved it wouldn't be easy financially either.

    The man in my life at the moment is a lovely man and he is making me happy and that has a knock on effect in every area of my life in a good way.

    I do think it's admirable that you're placing your children's well-being and happiness so far above your own, but I really don't think it's necessary (obviously don't know the ins and outs of your personal situation, but in a general sense it's more likely to be).

    Yes, they would feel it. But they'll also feel the lack of genuine feeling in your relationship with your husband. My mother fell out of love with my dad when I was very young - dunno if she was ever in love with him, really - and started an affair with another man while keeping up the charade of happy-family. I never knew about the 'other man' and what was going on, and in fact only got the full story many years later, but I do know that, when I was younger, I had no respect for marriage, I thought it was a waste of time, and just made people unhappy, because my mother looked stressed and false all the time, and my dad was stressed and desperate (he was still in love with her and trying to make things work). I kept that with me until my dad re-married and I saw what an actual loving relationship was like.

    When they split, yes, it affected me, but to be honest the only real issues I left with from that were because my mother decided to do it completely the wrong way (took me and my sister and all the possessions while he was away on a business trip and ran to the other guy's place, no note or anything, my dad thought something terrible had happened until the police called my gran and she said where we were...and it all got nastier from there).

    Having them separate didn't hurt me, other than the initial shock of suddenly being in a totally different country, but having them together gave me some serious hang-ups as regards relationships and love, some of which are still hard to shake. Obviously I'm not going to judge, since as I said no one but you knows the full story, but just as someone who has come through what your kids are/could, there is no option to save them completely, and you have to look at what damage you're doing by staying as well as what damage you're avoiding by going.

    1279815040
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 314
    • Joined: 10 May 2010

    WandA wrote:

    xxbrown-eyed-kittyxx wrote:

    OK I'll try and explain as I'm one of those your post is about.

    A lot of you on here are a lot younger than me and may or may not be married. I have been married for nearly 20 years to a man who shows me no affection. Why not leave you are probably wondering, well the simple answer to that is that we have children so I put my unhappiness with my marriage aside for them.

    I make an effort with my marriage, I do everything I can to make sure our children have a happy home life despite my husband not reciprocating but the affection and attention I get from someone online (particularly the man I'm involved with right now) gives me a buzz, makes me feel as though there is someone out there that appreciates me and finds me attractive and gets me through each day when I feel that the one person that should love me really doesn't seem to like me very much let alone love me.

    Communication is the key I know but when you have a husband that won't talk it is very difficult to get anywhere. I've tried having conversations about how things are but he will not discuss it with me.

    It might give you a buzz but you seem to know that buzz is a poor substitute for love and affection. I personally wouldn't/couldn't be in the situation you are, I don't think happiness is a matter of either/or. Your children don't need a father around the house to be happy and you could happily go about another relationship that gives you the love you need. I'm not telling you what to do only explaining my take.

    The reason most people find it unacceptable is because it is a breach of trust, confidence, commitment, love and other things. Sadly you are already missing many of these.

    I do hope you consider your position, I find it really sad you're sacrificing your own well being for your children, when I beleive, you don't have to.

    Good luck!

    Well I agree with this. As a child of an unhappy marriage, parents who stayed together for the sake of their children, I can tell you that your children are aware of things. It is unlikely that they do not know what is going on.

    I believe that two happy parents apart are better than a loveless marriage with resentment (you can say you don't show it but it's all over your post). That's not the environment I would like to raise a child. It's not all about providing and showing two parents together. You are supposed to be teaching your children how to have a functional relationship. They will learn what is right and acceptable from the relationship that their parents have. What they will learn is that affectionless relationships are normal and that women are obliged to stay in disfunctional relationships for the sake of others. You are doing them a disservice.

    Indulging in online flirtations is not the way out of your situation. It makes you feel better temporarily but serves no long term purpose.

    1279815148
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    xxbrown-eyed-kittyxx wrote:

    Its not something I do lightly and I don't do it for the sexual thrill. I discovered after the first guy I was involved with that I wanted more than that. So any relationships I have are more than just that, there has to be a friendship there and affection or to me it wouldn't be worth it. If I'm honest it wasn't something I did ever imagine myself doing but how it happened is a long story that I won't go into on here.

    I get what you say about the children but you can't say it wouldn't affect them greatly if their dad and I were to split up. As well as the emotional impact on everyone involved it wouldn't be easy financially either.

    The man in my life at the moment is a lovely man and he is making me happy and that has a knock on effect in every area of my life in a good way.

    This isn't something that has gone on all through our marriage, only for the past few years as our children have got older.

    I don't know what else to say, I realise that the majority of people wouldn't agree with what I'm doing, especially those closest to me but I hope that people wouldn't judge me too harshly as I try not to judge others on their choices.

    I don't think people here will judge you. You obviously feel you have very good reasons and I'm sure people will respect that it is your choice to make.

    I find it a shame that you feel 'trapped' in your current situation and hope one day you find genuine companionship. Life is a balancing act and I hope you are happy with the balances you have made.

    Good luck.

    1280071064
    BabyH [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 49
    • Joined: 12 Jul 2010

    This has been a touchy subject in the early stages of our relationship, before we were properly a couple, and caused hurt and arguments until we realised we just needed to be together properly.

    Now we have been together for 7 months and I would be hurt if I found my OH had been flirting/flirty texts/msn conversations with other girls.
    I trust him completely but I feel flirting should be between us to make it more intense when we are not together.
    I personally would feel strange anyway, flirting with someone else, and would never want to my OH to feel how I would feel should he do it.

    1280071159
    UBM4 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 66
    • Joined: 8 Apr 2010

    Building up those brownie points today ain't you baby!

    1280072156
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    Interesting thread.

    I figure that I wouldn't say anything on a forum that I wouldn't say at a dinner party with both people's other halves there (like-minded guests obviously)

    There is however a completely different line when private messaging or SMS'ing - that's a private conversation & I wouldn't say anything then that I wouldn't say if I was alone in a room with someone.

    They are very different areas in my head & I'm a lot more open and risque in a "public space" that I ever would be in a one-on-one situation. In a public space it is light-hearted banter but in a one-one-one situation you risk leading someone on or edging into very dodgy territory (assuming you intend to be monogamous)

    1280073281
    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 533
    • Joined: 14 Jan 2009

    It took me a very long time (until they got control of the neuro situation) to figure out and notice flirting, in a way I was very naive and oblivious! Prior to the meds when my OH and I met apparently he did the flirting, subtle thing and I missed it entirely and didn't notice. The lack of recognition caused me trouble on a couple of occasions but now that I consciously notice, practice and 'get' itI am happy to lightheartedly flirt with friends or some men (you get better service in bars , compensates for the crude remarks), there is never anything serious about it and my OH has said to me before I consciously rather than accidentally/ innately acted in a flirtacious manner that he doesn't mind at all as he trusts me and knows it isn't serious. I would not text anyone else in a flirtacious or sensual manner as it's far more private, deliberately choosing to be so with another person. The above is reserved for use between he and I. Likewise e-mails. He knows what I write on here and we hold to the same standards. I was too explicit in an online conversation on one occasion and only one, it felt like a betrayal and I carried the guilt, despite the fact he didn't mind. I think he is more readily forgiving than I am but he is the only one I have ever wanted in a sexual way and the only one I would ever allow to do anything with me, the only person I trust with my heart.

    1280073378
    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 533
    • Joined: 14 Jan 2009

    CurlyCoupleWife wrote:

    Interesting thread.

    I figure that I wouldn't say anything on a forum that I wouldn't say at a dinner party with both people's other halves there (like-minded guests obviously)

    There is however a completely different line when private messaging or SMS'ing - that's a private conversation & I wouldn't say anything then that I wouldn't say if I was alone in a room with someone.

    They are very different areas in my head & I'm a lot more open and risque in a "public space" that I ever would be in a one-on-one situation. In a public space it is light-hearted banter but in a one-one-one situation you risk leading someone on or edging into very dodgy territory (assuming you intend to be monogamous)

    I think this is a very common boundary to have.

    1280075249
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    I think the public/private distinction is a good one to make, it perhaps also gives an indication as to someone's motivation.

    On such a public forum it would be a bit silly to flirt sexually...

    1283347944
    Firewolf [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 143
    • Joined: 28 Jul 2010

    I have a likewise problem such as Rowan, I cant often recognize if someone is flirting with me, or is even interested in me.

    I can't even recognize is when Im flirting apparently (according to my OH). Apparently me being nice and kind to someone can be taken as flirting.. Which is a bit disturbing.

    I happily go along with sex jokes and make them myself, and to all guys: that does NOT mean Im interested in you, Im just trying to have a laugh, mkay? (Reason Im saying this was that after a rather sexually tinted joke a guy thought it was completely okay to grab my ass and try to kiss me.)

    Though as far as my boundaries go on cheating..Flirting I can take (though Ill definately be jealous), but when you go past that and start lip/tonguelocking and god-knows-what-else with another person, I draw the line - I think thats just not done.

    1283348632
    Pinkilious [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 295
    • Joined: 9 Apr 2010

    I think it is different on here than a lot of other forums/chatrooms as people see it as a laugh. I admit i can be a bit flirty on here but wouldn't dream of going to another chatroom and being as i am on here. I mean some people still find sex and sexual activities a bit of a Taboo subject whereas here everyone (i feel) is open and can have a laugh with it and noone is expecting anything to happen!

    1283351803
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    Pinkilious wrote:

    I think it is different on here than a lot of other forums/chatrooms as people see it as a laugh. I admit i can be a bit flirty on here but wouldn't dream of going to another chatroom and being as i am on here. I mean some people still find sex and sexual activities a bit of a Taboo subject whereas here everyone (i feel) is open and can have a laugh with it and noone is expecting anything to happen!

    Agree with this - I *do* have differences between different people but not because I like certain people more (this is in real life btw) but because I know some people will take sexual chat the wrong way and think I'm flirting, whereas others realise it's just ordinary chat. So I can freely talk in the same way as I do on here with some people and not with others. On the OA, I don't have to make those changes because people are so open :)

    Adx

    1283353525
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1265
    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    I just have the one rule: I wouldn't do anything I wouldn't be comfortable with my OH seeing/reading/hearing. He knows I flirt with and have sexual contact other girls and is very happy with this (much to the confusion of some friends).

    I have a filthy sense of humour and am sometimes a bit too open about things, particularly my attraction to women (it's difficult to hide sometimes!) and this seems to occasionally get misinterpreted as flirting. I find some guys are just curious about it because I have a boyfriend and they're just interested to know what my orientation is. A few have gotten a bit letcherous but if I sense that is happening I just tell them not to be so pervy and try and avoid any questions after that!

    Being a barmaid/waitress I get a bit of hassle just for being a female who provides alcohol and food. I generally just politely ignore any flirtiness but if it's getting a bit much I'll respond by saying "sorry but you're barking up a very gay, very taken tree!"

    When I go out I do dance like a bit of a 'ho sometimes and will usually have a bit of a grind with my friends/random women. I have danced a bit with male friends a bit but never quite as dirtily as I would with the gals: bit of close-ish, salsa-esque wiggling and it's always more funny than sexual!

    It sounds a bit weird to say but I'm actually glad that I'm not especially hot so I don't get much attention from men. I find it embarassing and awkwad when it does happen so I'm glad it doesn't happen often! The only man I actually want to notice me sexually is DD and luckily 99% of the time that is the case hence I have lots of lovely boy mates!

    I tell DD everything and if he was ever unhappy with anything I'd done I would modify my future behaviour so that he felt comfortable. I wouldn't consider it a chore, his happiness is always going to be my priority!

    xxKPxx

    1283376611
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 641
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2009

    Hi KP

    I agree wholeheartedly with your rule - it perfectly sums up how I try to behave. If CurlyCpl would be upset/offended/threatened by any given behaviour I'd steer clear of behaving that way.

    Very well put

    CCW x

    1283377363
    Fr33b1rd [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 189
    • Joined: 3 Feb 2009

    KittyPurry wrote:

    It sounds a bit weird to say but I'm actually glad that I'm not especially hot so I don't get much attention from men.

    Don't know about weird but it's definitely crazy to say your not especially hot....are you blind woman????

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.