• what is acceptable for you?

    1279742838
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    do you think its acceptable for people who have partners and who are in a monogamouse relationship to talk to other people in a sexual way (like super flirty/cyber/txting ect)?

    i ask this as being bored ive been having a nose on the forums and have come across a few convos that have made me felt a bit uncomorftable as how ive read some things it seems some people with partners have had the above kind of conctact and for me personnaly find this really un-acceptable.

    if i found out that my OH had been doing such things it would cause massive problems in our relationship and i think would end with me ending it. as i would feel this was cheating on me, as he has had sexual feelings that have had real interaction (unlike porn) with someone other then me.

    and i feel if your in a monogamous relationship if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner.

    im not judging anyone and im not doing this to make people feel bad or pointed out or anything and im not saying people have done the above its just how i have read things and which has made me wonder what is acceptable for other people as i know for me it really isnt.

    so all of that has made me want to open a disscsuion to see what other people find acceptable.

    Dxx

    1279743913
    Kinkyfish [sign in to see picture]
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    it comes down to communication and trust. my wife knows what i do on here and the conversations i have, also i would never do somthing and activly try to hide what ive done. we have been together for long enough and have a strong enough relationship for me to know she wouldnt cheat on me and i wouldnt cheat on her.

    that said flirty conversations i have had with some members have got me a slap from mrs fish. but she know what im like.

    when i comes to getting sexual gratification outside of eachother we have always said if one of us want to involve another then it would be ok provided the other was present.

    i know since we have been together she has been with 4 other men and 6 other women and i have been there the whole time, i have also been with 8 other women while she has been there, we dont class that as beeing unfaithful.

    1279744317
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I do think your post came across as quite judgemental in my opinion D.

    Using words like "if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner" sounds pretty judgemental to me.

    As for the answer to your question - it all depends on the relationship - as long as you have discussed with your partner what the boundaries are between you as a couple then crossing the discussed lines are classed as cheating but anything else isn't. Cheating is individual to each relationship and as long as you know the limits and lines then you can't go far wrong.

    Flirtation is usually harmless and for mine and WandA's relationship we're both ok with a little friendly flirting as long as the lines aren't crossed. As long as it doesn't cross over into sexually motivated or even attraction motivated for the most part then it's harmless.

    We both trust each other completely to know where the lines are and how far is acceptable and I genuinely believe neither of us would even *want* to cross the line because we both love and respect each other so much. Anytime a person I know has crossed a line with me I've just felt really uncomfortable and *always* inform them that they have crossed a line and I don't appreciate it.

    Adx

    1279744481
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm interesting question.

    I think it is about boundaries. I think given this type of site some 'flirting' is inevitable, although using the term flirting might imply something that is not the case. In 'normal' life almost any sexual comment can be considered flirting, telling someone you work with they are sexy or desirable is obviously likely to be taken differently than here.

    I know me and Ad engage with other members in ways that could be considered flirting, but as far as I am aware, for both of us it is not a sexual thrill but more a little humourous kick. It can also be a way of complimenting someone you like in a context relevant situation, I know I'll only comment on the pics of members I feel I have a good relationship with who will take it as I meant. i.e. that trait is certainly desirable but that doesn't imply I want a go of it!

    I do think some other members might be a little bit more upfront and some of it appears 'sexy' but as long as it is not a full on porn fest I'm not that bothered if someone happens to feel able to express a bit more 'chemistry' than I would.

    As for the issue as a wider point, well it depends... If a partner is getting an obvious sexual kick from it with a 'real' person then I'm not too fussed on that. I think it is also important to remember it is a relationship of two, if Ad asked me if it was OK to do X and I was happy then fair enough, if she simply engaged in X without discussing it then regardless of it being cheating it is disrespectful.

    I personally feel your definition of sexual feelings are too strict, not a slight on you, simply my opinion. I don't think you can control sexual feelings to a large extent and don't believe simply by experiencing sexual feelings that is a dealbreaker, acting on them of course is another matter. If Ad found the bus driver she got to uni everyday the fittest thing since sliced bread (to mangle metaphors) then I wouldn't be angry she was aroused.

    I did have more to say but in my typing haste have not remembered all my points... I might have more to say once I read stuff back!

    1279744693
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    I do think your post came across as quite judgemental in my opinion D.

    it really wasnt meant to be judgemental,

    Using words like "if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner" sounds pretty judgemental to me.

    i should have put the words

    for me personaly in realtionships that ""if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner""

    im not trying to be judgemental at all i just want to know what other people find acceptable, im not one whos good at writtings things quickly, so im sorry if you feel im being judgmeantal thats not my aim.

    Dxx

    1279744749
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Agreed WandA! You can't help being attracted but you can help what you do about it!

    Also - sometimes it's just stating facts - with people I know well on here, if I think they are attractive, I will say they are "sexy" but that doesn't necessarily mean I am attracted to them if that makes sense. I can admire someone's appearance and personality without wanting to engage in anything more than admiration!

    Adx

    1279744753
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    bugger! missed a word out again!

    for me personaly in MY realtionships that ""if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner""

    1279744799
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    diamonds wrote:

    I do think your post came across as quite judgemental in my opinion D.

    it really wasnt meant to be judgemental,

    Using words like "if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner" sounds pretty judgemental to me.

    i should have put the words

    for me personaly in realtionships that ""if you have any kind of sexual interaction with another person it is wrong and a form of cheating.i feel that if you want dirty emails/msn/txts you do that with your partner""

    im not trying to be judgemental at all i just want to know what other people find acceptable, im not one whos good at writtings things quickly, so im sorry if you feel im being judgmeantal thats not my aim.

    Dxx

    Thanks for the clarification lovely

    Adx

    1279745186
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    dont think ive made clear what i mean! always happens when im writting (why takes me ages to do blog posts).

    when i say flirting, to me im talking about overly sexual flirting, not saying someone is sexy but saying how what they said last night has made them all wet this morning and afternoon. ect ect

    I personally feel your definition of sexual feelings are too strict, not a slight on you, simply my opinion. I don't think you can control sexual feelings to a large extent and don't believe simply by experiencing sexual feelings that is a dealbreaker, acting on them of course is another matter. If Ad found the bus driver she got to uni everyday the fittest thing since sliced bread (to mangle metaphors) then I wouldn't be angry she was aroused.

    and im not saying you cant be attractive to someone, my OH is attracted to others that doesnt bother me or a deal bracker, if he was to say exchange msgs of a sexual nature and was getting off on it that would be a deal breaker.

    am i a bit more clear on what is acceptable to me personaly?

    Dxx

    1279745743
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
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    I think that as with all potentially sexual situations - if you are doing something that you would not be happy for your OH to know about/see, then you are in dodgy territory. This line will be indifferent places for different people and their different relationships. But whatever your limits are, you should be clear on them with your OH.

    If you are lying, or hiding, or thinking that you might be hurting them, then yes, you probably are being unfaithful in some form.

    1279745990
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    telemachus wrote:

    I think that as with all potentially sexual situations - if you are doing something that you would not be happy for your OH to know about/see, then you are in dodgy territory. This line will be indifferent places for different people and their different relationships. But whatever your limits are, you should be clear on them with your OH.

    If you are lying, or hiding, or thinking that you might be hurting them, then yes, you probably are being unfaithful in some form.

    i totaly agree with this, your much better with words then me!

    Dxx

    1279746166
    Malteser81 [sign in to see picture]
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    I can see exactly where your coming from D and as And and Wanda have said before it really is up to how you and your partner see what is written and in what way it is meant. In my case its purely flirtational and that is human nature. Mt OH knows exactly what I say and do and he doesnt have a problem. If he did then I would stop but we are very much alike =)

    1279746651
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    Malteser81 wrote:

    I can see exactly where your coming from D and as And and Wanda have said before it really is up to how you and your partner see what is written and in what way it is meant. In my case its purely flirtational and that is human nature. Mt OH knows exactly what I say and do and he doesnt have a problem. If he did then I would stop but we are very much alike =)

    i soooooooooooooooooo havent been clear! lol

    im not really talking about whats been said on here, that is just what made me wondering what other people find acceptable in a relationship.

    so what im really asking is, do people find it acceptable for a partner to talk with someone else in a highly sexual way, there words both getting each other off?

    am i at all a bit more clear as to what im asking? :-/ its nothing to do what people say on here, it just gave me the idea of what do other people find ok?

    Dxx

    1279747434
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
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    I understand what you mean. I think that on sites such as this - it can be easy for harmless flirting (or possibly just banter - which can be miscontrued in type) to go that step further. The internet is without boundaries and it can be easy for people to take a further step than they would have in real life as it doesn't feel real.

    I think you are saying that there are conversations that go beyond the standard flirting/chatting/banter that you have read and thought "if that was my OH I would feel cheated on." Which has led you to this thread. I think that it can be tricky to walk the line between the chat and the too far innuendos. And because it's in type someone might make a comment that they wouldn't in the real world, or if you were there.

    I think that there is a clear difference between dirty texts/dirty e-mails and flirty chat on a forum. To me- one is cheating. If I were to discover that my husband had been dirty talking to another person online then I would not be pleased. Light flirting is different, as it is on the street.

    The inportant thing is that your boundaries are clear with your partner. That you are both happy with that and that you are not doing anything that compromises your morals or upsets your other half.

    1279747953
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    telemachus wrote:

    I understand what you mean. I think that on sites such as this - it can be easy for harmless flirting (or possibly just banter - which can be miscontrued in type) to go that step further. The internet is without boundaries and it can be easy for people to take a further step than they would have in real life as it doesn't feel real.

    I think you are saying that there are conversations that go beyond the standard flirting/chatting/banter that you have read and thought "if that was my OH I would feel cheated on." Which has led you to this thread. I think that it can be tricky to walk the line between the chat and the too far innuendos. And because it's in type someone might make a comment that they wouldn't in the real world, or if you were there.

    I think that there is a clear difference between dirty texts/dirty e-mails and flirty chat on a forum. To me- one is cheating. If I were to discover that my husband had been dirty talking to another person online then I would not be pleased. Light flirting is different, as it is on the street.

    The inportant thing is that your boundaries are clear with your partner. That you are both happy with that and that you are not doing anything that compromises your morals or upsets your other half.

    yes you pretty much get what i was trying to say,

    i have read a few convos that have broken the flirtying/banter and was talking about what they had talked about in privet, as in dirty txts/emails.

    and that for me personaly had my OH done that, i would have felt cheated on and un-acceptable. which then got me wondering what other people on here found acceptable in there relationsips.

    flirting/banter is one thing crossing that line is another one is what i was trying to get across and failed.

    im actually really frustrated with this thread, cos i know what im trying to say but its not coming out right, so everyone is manly getting the wrong end of the stick as to what im saying and asking. i really do hate being dyslexic at times cos i could have this convo face to face and get what im trying to say out fine, but try to write it down and it dont come out write and i miss bits out.!

    Dxx

    1279748389
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
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    Well in answer to your question, personally:

    Dirty chatting via private messaging, dirty IMing, dirty texting, chatting to someone online in a way that you get turned on by is a no-no for me. Talking to someone else in a way that you would normally only talk to me is a breach of my trust.

    I am happy to talk suggestively, make comment and innuendo about third party topics, if that makes sense. Direct innuendo, related to each other, suggestive chat is not on. That's a little tenuous I know, but I can't really explain it properly.

    All sexual physical contact with someone who is not me is cheating. No leeway on this for me.

    Cheating would end a relationship for me. I don't believe in soul mates or one true love or all that bollocks, if someone wants to fuck around, they can do it with someone else.

    1279748747
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    telemachus wrote:

    Well in answer to your question, personally:

    Dirty chatting via private messaging, dirty IMing, dirty texting, chatting to someone online in a way that you get turned on by is a no-no for me. Talking to someone else in a way that you would normally only talk to me is a breach of my trust.

    Agreed - I have strict rules on the word "baby" too - I hate being called baby by anyone other than WandA!

    I am happy to talk suggestively, make comment and innuendo about third party topics, if that makes sense. Direct innuendo, related to each other, suggestive chat is not on. That's a little tenuous I know, but I can't really explain it properly.

    Agreed on this too - making something personal is a no!

    All sexual physical contact with someone who is not me is cheating. No leeway on this for me.

    And another one I agree with - hugs and pecks on the cheek are the only things acceptable

    Cheating would end a relationship for me. I don't believe in soul mates or one true love or all that bollocks, if someone wants to fuck around, they can do it with someone else.

    I would have normally agreed with this too - but there are circumstances where I think I could forgive. Think I've discussed this in one of the "cheating" threads though.

    Adx

    1279748816
    tallboy247 [sign in to see picture]
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    So how many have fessed up to online chats or more with others and what were the consequences? Think this has to be two sided and if not why not..... but always eager to learn more.

    Hope this makes sense, it is my own, my very own, and absolutely no one else's, oh yea and it's not meant to be judgemental in any way at all..... ever.

    TB

    1279748955
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    tallboy247 wrote:

    So how many have fessed up to online chats or more with others and what were the consequences? Think this has to be two sided and if not why not..... but always eager to learn more.

    Not sure what you mean, how exactly *wouldn't* it be two sided?

    Adx

    1279749448
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    telemachus wrote:


    And another one I agree with - hugs and pecks on the cheek are the only things acceptable

    Cheating would end a relationship for me. I don't believe in soul mates or one true love or all that bollocks, if someone wants to fuck around, they can do it with someone else.

    I would have normally agreed with this too - but there are circumstances where I think I could forgive. Think I've discussed this in one of the "cheating" threads though.

    Adx

    yes - I think hugs and pecks are fine, in a friendly context. I wouldn't even think twice about these.

    I think with the cheating - it is hard to know what you would do until you are in that situation. I suspect that many people would do something different in reality to what they think that they would do. If I were to ever forgive anything, it would be a one off shag, rather than an emotional affair (but then I have thoughts on emotional affairs) but I don't think I could even stretch that far.

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