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  1. How do you explain kink / BDSM to a newbie?

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    RubberJin [sign in to see picture]
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    My current GF, lovely though she is, is completely 100% sweet and innocent when it comes to kinky stuff. This is a bit of an issue, as I am a massive perve always wanting to play, explore, try new things, toys, etc.

    Now, she's very open minded (if a bit shy and apprehensive) and has said she wants to learn a bit about all this malarky - but I am really struggling to explain it.

    Obviously what goes on is easy enough to explain - whips, chains, spanking, rude words, toys, the live chicken, etc. etc., that's not so much of an issue (especially with a mind as polluted as mine). No, the real problem is how do you explain to a sweet and innocent girl why on earth some people enjoy being tied up, being subjected to pain, humiliation, and all sorts of depravity and their supposedly loving partners enjoy dishing it out to them. (Obviosuly there's more to kinky fun than that, but it's a starting point)

    This is obviously hampered by me being male and hence an ineloquent dullard, but of course I also am liable to explain what it is about it all that turns me on, which may or may not be the same things that women typically enjoy about kinky play.

    So, can anyone help me out here? What is so great about not just doing it missionary position with the lights off? Why have a cupboard full of toys? Why engage in icky behaviour that could ruin the bedsheets? What could possibly be romantic about tying someone up & spanking them?

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    RubberJin [sign in to see picture]
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    Also, any suggestions for books/magazines/videos/websites that could help in the explanation would be gratefully receieved.

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    I say just explain to her exactly what it all is. I find with the kinky stuff I like, I can't say why I like it, I just do. Back along, I once told my boyfriend I couldn't possibly imagine finding pain erotic, and now look at me! She probably won't want to do it all right away, but put the idea in her head, and she may well one day turn around and ask if she can try some of it.

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    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    It's total self-exposure, and trust in someone else at your most vulnerable. You're exploring your body and mind - and your partner's - and finding ways to please both of ye more than was previously possible. It's not necessary, but neither is wearing a nice outfit to go out on a date, or buying them a present on their birthday.

    From the sub side, it's amazing being able to allow yourself to trust someone that completely, to be completely vulnerable and still know you're safe. Especially when it's within a loving relationship, it's giving yourself completely to someone else. Being humiliated and debased to a point where you exist purely for your partner's pleasure has an almost divine simplicity to it, it's perfect: you stop worrying about all the stupid little personal things and give yourself over to them. I love that feeling of almost freedom that comes with handing control over completely to someone you trust and love. You can't help but feel so much closer to someone after that.

    Obviously from the other side there's the thrill of being trusted like that, although I've never really been able to understand that half of it myself, just not part of me.

    Dunno if that makes sense, or fits with everyone's experience, but there's my view on it. :)

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    RubberJin [sign in to see picture]
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    Ecksvie - the problem with explaining it all to her is that a lot of it is still far too extreme for her, if you don't understand why a bit of spanking is fun then what on earth are you going to make of a (consesual) rape scene or piercing?

    Of course, the flipside is you never know what may float someone's boat, so if you never mention it it may never be discovered. Very tricky.

    Still, you guys are already doing far better than I've managed, so keep it cumming ;)

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I find - often the way to get into a "new" kink, is to have the suggestion planted in my mind (be it by a person suggesting it, or seeing it online or whatever) with no pressure to comment on my opinion of it...then to leave it. If it interests me I will usually end up coming back to it quite quickly as a "yes that's something I could try in the future" sort of thing.

    As for reasons for bondage and the likes...for me it's trust and intimacy. Knowing I can trust my partner to use "weapons" on my body is thrilling and it's so relaxing being able to switch your brain off and let someone else make all the plans and control the situation completely!

    Ax

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Very good Q and well explained.

    I'd simply suggest showing her, gently.

    Maybe explain the psychology a little and explain what gets you going, I'm sure even the most innocent girl thinks the idea of having a dedicated pleasure object ripe for picking sounds interesting in a fun way. There seems to be plenty of good semi-logical reasons for a lot of BDSM such as power play that is appealing, explain what elements attaining/giving up are attractive maybe?

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with WandA and Headsouth somewhat. Some things are just difficult to explain and can "sound" much more complicated than need be. I think showing and talking the person through what is about to happen as is's happening is a good idea. I remember the first time I flogged my OH. She'd never done anything like that before and as I was putting her wrists in the ceiling restraints (gently) and explaining to her that I wanted her stretched out, virtually on her tip toes and showed her the flogger, let her feel the flogger on her skin for the first time and ensured she was happy and willing for this to happen. . . She's told me since that the anticipation and the excitement of the build up nearly gave her a heart attack. So If I or her have ever wanted to explain something we may want to do it seems we explain as we do it for the first time but take it slowly. Now I grab her tie her up, rip her knickers off and thrash her because I know she loves it! No explanation required since setting the boundries in a quiet drawn out way. I'm waffling but what i'm trying to say is no explanation required, actions speak louder than words on some occasions. In my opinion anyway. Comically I think i've totally skirted around the question! Too early :-p SG

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    Fr33b1rd [sign in to see picture]
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    isn't it strange that the women are saying talk it out in terms of trus, and the guys are saying just take her through it slowly, explaining everything your away to do?t

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    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    Think that kind of fits though: to 'just take her through it slowly', she needs to trust you (and you her to not turn around and call you a sicko!). As long as you do trust each other like that, it doesn't matter whether you sit at the kitchen table and spell it out, or gently lead her through it, whichever works for ye. Ideally both, since no matter how well you explain it, until you experience it you can't fully understand.

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    Fr33b1rd wrote:

    isn't it strange that the women are saying talk it out in terms of trus, and the guys are saying just take her through it slowly, explaining everything your away to do?t

    I took the trust as a given when doing it slow. I guess they are are one and the same thing as said by BB...

    Or could just put it down to those silly girly feelings and us practical no nonsense men getting the job done!

    There might be something in it though that you pointed out... The male approach as you described is very practical and 'getting the job' done where as the female way you described is much more sensitive to the individual and not so driven by the end (ties in with the practical hunter stereotype and the relationship builder stereotype).

    We do have to be careful looking in to psychology a little bit too much but I think there are some differences in approaches of men and women... It was interesting looking at feminist philosophy in class because I genuinely couldn't understand the arguments as coherent, you don't know if it's me being 'male' or their arguments being a bit rubbish!

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    Fr33b1rd [sign in to see picture]
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    well obviously as women their arguments were just a bit rubbish We just need a man to tell us what we're allowed to think and everything is okay.

    Glad you took my original post in the way it was intend not to start a fight but rather an "ooh isn't that odd..." moment.

    (if I don't catch you before enjoy your holiday x)

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't have to explain it all right away. Actually, I'd really advise against it. I'd start off explaining some of the more vanilla things, like spanking, restraints, stuff like that. If she's willing, perhaps start her off on a blindfold and pair of soft wrist restraints, as they're reasonably non-threatening. It'll help if she can experience it herself, rather than you just telling her what other people see in it. Also explain the concept of safe words to her and decide on one together (although she can say no to things, it may comfort her to know there's one word she can say which can't be misinterpreted and really means no). Once she starts getting into that, then you can start describing progressively more extreme things. Sadly, there's no magic wand you can wave that'll just make her understand and enjoy whatever strange and extreme fetishes you have. It will take time. Months, perhaps years.

    RubberJin wrote:

    Ecksvie - the problem with explaining it all to her is that a lot of it is still far too extreme for her, if you don't understand why a bit of spanking is fun then what on earth are you going to make of a (consesual) rape scene or piercing?

    Of course, the flipside is you never know what may float someone's boat, so if you never mention it it may never be discovered. Very tricky.

    Still, you guys are already doing far better than I've managed, so keep it cumming ;)

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    headsouth wrote:

    How do you deal with safe words when you're using gags?

    You would use a safe signal Headsouth. A signal that has been worked out beforehand. A common signal is the "OK" one where you would place your index finger on your thumb, this can be done whilst restrained too usually but that one means everything is okay so you can proceed! Some people have an object in their hand such as a golf ball or a brightly coloured object that can be seen easily which is to be dropped when it's time to stop.

    SG

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    SEXYGET 69 wrote:

    headsouth wrote:

    How do you deal with safe words when you're using gags?

    You would use a safe signal Headsouth. A signal that has been worked out beforehand. A common signal is the "OK" one where you would place your index finger on your thumb, this can be done whilst restrained too usually but that one means everything is okay so you can proceed! Some people have an object in their hand such as a golf ball or a brightly coloured object that can be seen easily which is to be dropped when it's time to stop.

    SG

    Good idea that!

    Maybe a bit drastic but a rape alarm would be a great way to grab someone's attention! Might make restarting a bit awkward..

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    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    Or a squirt gun! Right in the eye, that'll get their attention.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    They are bloody loud though - the neighbours might be concerned!

    Marks and Sparks used to do some really pretty girly ones too - not sure if they still do.

    Ax

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    BashfulBabe wrote:

    Or a squirt gun! Right in the eye, that'll get their attention.

    O grow up!

    Use the correct adult term, the 'penis'.

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    KinkyWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    Theres a book 'When Someone You Love Is Kinky' - Dossie Easton. I've flipped through it and it seemed pretty ok. I did the book giving thing a couple of years ago and it sat at the bottom of a drawer forever, so that might not be the way to go.

    For a conversation about clothing type fetishes(rubber\pvc\leather) you could go down the route of saying - you know people like long hair\tight jeans\shiny leggings etc. Some people REALLY like things like that etc.

    BDSM - you could portray it as grownup versions of kids games. Doctors & Nurses, simple tie ups.

    My 2p is start simple and find out what she really doesn't like. Perhaps you could open a conversation with something like 'Is there anything unusual you would like to try in sex?'. Even if she responds with a negative then shes bound to bounce the question back to you.

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    Naughty Devil [sign in to see picture]
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    AdnaW wrote:

    I find - often the way to get into a "new" kink, is to have the suggestion planted in my mind (be it by a person suggesting it, or seeing it online or whatever) with no pressure to comment on my opinion of it...then to leave it. If it interests me I will usually end up coming back to it quite quickly as a "yes that's something I could try in the future" sort of thing.

    As for reasons for bondage and the likes...for me it's trust and intimacy. Knowing I can trust my partner to use "weapons" on my body is thrilling and it's so relaxing being able to switch your brain off and let someone else make all the plans and control the situation completely!

    Ax

    All good advice on here - think AdnaW sums it up best. I know that my OH first made a comment about being restrained, and when I then produced our first set of cuffs she wasn't exactly shocked. Maybe it helps if they have sub tendencies, but key thing is to listen to her feedback for clues, and look at it from her side. I she does not want it herself , she will not do it, regardless of how you approach it.

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