£1.49 Next Day delivery! Hurry ends in ...
  1. Reboot!

    1279890178
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    tronic wrote:

    oh yeah, sorry to moan on by the way, just haven't updated this for ages and I feel extra crap today so I thought I might as well catch up the thread.

    Not a moan! Keeping us updated.

    1279891098
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    @D - I did write a letter about a year ago, but it just makes her feel inadequate and guilty, doesn't inspire in her any sort of proactive impetus. Recently I wrote an email explaining a particular thing which had been bothering me, and the same sort of thing happened. For whatever reason, giving her this information in a clear way is not enough for her to do anything about it. I don't know why and as time goes on I flipflop between caring and not caring. I'm a bit concerned that one of these days it will just stay flopped and not flip back, and that will be the end of it.

    It's mega-balls, that's what it is.

    I can guarantee that if I talked to her about it tonight, she would be in some way surprised, and tell me not to rush her, that things cant change overnight, that this that or the other is the reason, that things are getting better, that she is trying hard, that she is tired from work, that some medical thing or other is making her unable to receive P in V at the current juncture. Also I would probably get attacked over something banal as part of her inevitable defense mechanism.

    It's as if she somehow thinks things are getting better, but I'm not getting happier with things. It's also as if she has no idea that sex can include things which are not P in V and satisfaction can be achieved or offered to partners independently of one's own satisfaction/needs.

    I bet that makes me sound more like a pillock than I actually am, but hey, it's been a ropey week and my temper is eroded.

    Thanks for your kind words anyway, I will rethink the letter thing, maybe it's worth doing just for my own benefit, even if I burn it afterwards. Quite cathartic a process, letter-writing.

    1279891828
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    You certainly don't sound a pillock.

    The reason she probably thinks things are getting better is because you are making an effort. Sounds like she does just need to see the gravity of the situation for you and do something about it... That might take a letter or something more drastic.

    Perhaps if she is very ill, or feels it, some time off work would be a great idea. She has sounded quite stressed from what you have said before and if you could arrange a few weeks without work perhaps she can relax, have more energy and spend time together.

    1279891940
    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 526
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2009

    WandA wrote:

    tronic wrote:

    oh yeah, sorry to moan on by the way, just haven't updated this for ages and I feel extra crap today so I thought I might as well catch up the thread.

    Not a moan! Keeping us updated.

    I second this. Sharing your problems with friends is not having a moan.

    I really do hope you do what is best for you. *hugs*

    1279892156
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 713
    • Joined: 14 Aug 2007

    Awww tronic you don't sound like a pillock you sound like someone who is very unhappy and frustrated. More hugs.

    I'm really not to sure what to say, I thought maybe she felt to pressured to talk and so a letter would help. But it sounds like she doesn't want to face the problems and as your still doing all the nice things for her she will never face it as she can run along happy as she's getting what she wants/needs.

    I think maybe I would write a letter and ignore what she has said in the past. Write it, give it to her and go away for the weekend to family so she can really see how unhappy you are and that you really do mean what you say. And then maybe with space she can reflect on things.

    I think going to relate together would benefit you both if you really want to save your relationship and move on.

    Though I understand your not the problem stopping you doing these things.

    I really do think if you can really show her how unhappy you are then she might do something about it ESP if she knows if itdoesnt then IRS the end.

    Dxx

    Ps if there's mistakes it's cos I'm on the iPhone!

    1279893293
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    I have to agree with D Tron, and I feel bad saying it, but it seems you're being too lovely! As long as she's getting her wants/needs fulfilled it seems she thinks it's unimportant to change.

    Perhaps she needs to realise that it can't be all one way.

    If I were in the situation you've described (not necessarily the situation you're in as it's easy to misinterpret on the net) I'd be getting very annoyed that she seems to be showing a complete lack of care for the relationship. Maybe she is depressed and that is the reason, but if she doesn't care enough to do something about it, then there's only so much you can do to help her before you have to cut your losses and prioritise your own happiness.

    Adx

    1279897630
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    AdnaW wrote:

    I have to agree with D Tron, and I feel bad saying it, but it seems you're being too lovely! As long as she's getting her wants/needs fulfilled it seems she thinks it's unimportant to change.

    Perhaps she needs to realise that it can't be all one way.

    If I were in the situation you've described (not necessarily the situation you're in as it's easy to misinterpret on the net) I'd be getting very annoyed that she seems to be showing a complete lack of care for the relationship. Maybe she is depressed and that is the reason, but if she doesn't care enough to do something about it, then there's only so much you can do to help her before you have to cut your losses and prioritise your own happiness.

    Adx

    I know this is the final solution, but it's so not me!

    1279899896
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 314
    • Joined: 10 May 2010

    Tronic, I think that you need to think about what you want.

    Do you want to stay with her and see this through, or at least try to help her?

    Or do you want to call it a day?

    If you are going to stay with her and want to sort things out then I would advise that you see a counsellor. Just you. Of course, it would be beneficial if she would see someone as well. But I think that talking to a professional would help you sort things out in your own head. This will help you see things more clearly and give you a better idea of what you can do to help (if you indeed can do anything to help) and what you should be feeling.

    Better than the circular dance you seem to be doing currently.

    1279901823
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    tronic wrote:

    I know this is the final solution, but it's so not me!

    Life's too short to not be happy...difficulty in the short term to increase happiness in the long term is fair enough, but there comes a point where the balance it out of whack.

    Adx

    1279902586
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I have been seeing a counsellor since last november as it happens telemachus, and it has been very helpful in many ways. At the moment I have 3 months of CBT on the go so I am not seeing my usual counsellor during this time. Maybe I'm just getting riled up because of that, I haven't got my usual opportunity to put things in order in that context.

    You're dead right though that I need to make that decision somehow to move forward, and to do this I need to go away for a while. Being here in amongst everything I am too easily confused over what is important and what is trivial, what is fair, what isn't etc. Even with all the counselling and so on. To be fair there's a lot that has gone on in the last few years so it's bound to be tricky.

    My gut feeling as of now without having taken time out to think really objectively, is that I really do want to see it through, help her and be together happily ever after. Despite gentle encouragement she is still unwilling to see anybody herself or as a couple to try and work out her own problems for herself or for the sake of us both. I think it's a case of as time progresses, and the situation doesn't, the needle slowly moves towards the 'call it a day' end of the gauge.

    1279902994
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    tronic wrote:

    I have been seeing a counsellor since last november as it happens telemachus, and it has been very helpful in many ways. At the moment I have 3 months of CBT on the go so I am not seeing my usual counsellor during this time. Maybe I'm just getting riled up because of that, I haven't got my usual opportunity to put things in order in that context.

    You're dead right though that I need to make that decision somehow to move forward, and to do this I need to go away for a while. Being here in amongst everything I am too easily confused over what is important and what is trivial, what is fair, what isn't etc. Even with all the counselling and so on. To be fair there's a lot that has gone on in the last few years so it's bound to be tricky.

    My gut feeling as of now without having taken time out to think really objectively, is that I really do want to see it through, help her and be together happily ever after. Despite gentle encouragement she is still unwilling to see anybody herself or as a couple to try and work out her own problems for herself or for the sake of us both. I think it's a case of as time progresses, and the situation doesn't, the needle slowly moves towards the 'call it a day' end of the gauge.

    CBT? I'm guessing CogBehThe (lazy!) not Cock and Ball Torture...

    I think you need some space, it might prod her in to doing something... I can tell you're really trying but she isn't. I rarely offer such strong advice, I assume people know best, are self biased etc but I really do think you need some space for yourself and to demonstrate how concerned you are by the lack of progress she is making...

    Good luck

    1279913737
    telemachus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 314
    • Joined: 10 May 2010

    It's quite hard because we don't know what has happened to her. It's all a little cloak and dagger and it makes me feel rather uncomfortable about advising you to say to her that she should be having sex with you, or that she should be making better progress. If there is some sort of deep set trauma that is affecting her then I would imagine that the lack of sex is the least of your issues.

    I think that if you decide to make it work then she probably doesn't need to feel as if she is being pushed to make progress or to get to the point where she feels that she can have sex again. Of course, this must be frustrating for you if you feel that maybe she is working against herself and also I would have no idea how you would go about this.

    Does she have a good support network beyond you? Family, friends? Has she given reasons why she doesn not want to see a counsellor? How long have you been together? Apologies if some of these questions have been answered in your previous posts.

    1279960351
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Sorry if it has come off cloak and dagger-ish, it's certainly not meant to be! I'll briefly answer your questions but you hit the nail on the head with the remark about how frustrating it is when she seems to be working against herself. I had a talk to her last night so I'll finish up with a summary of that and then leave this thread alone for a while I think.

    Support network: no. since her depression she has lost touch with many of her previous friends (though they have been pretty unsupportive to be honest so I don't know how good friends they were in the beginning) But there are some new friends through work and our puppies who have become good friends and she's still in touch with them. apart from those few, she has her immediate family and that's it. I'm not sure how open she is with her immediate family either.

    Reasons for not seeing counsellor: either not feeling ready, which I fully respect, or that she doesn't see the point to spend money to go over the same stuff. She saw somebody for a while, covered the history, and now doesn't see the point in further exploring the issues. Or maybe it is too uncomfortable and upsetting for her, which I understand, but she insists it's because she has been for a while and it didn't work straight away so what's the point going over those things more?

    how long together: 9 years or something, Part of the reason we are not just jacking it in, there is still love and affection in some ways, and if we can work out the rest we're all set for a great future.

    So anyway to draw this updating spree to a close, I had a talk to OH last night and explained how I'm feeling, the feeling of being stuck with a really hard decision; I want to say I will work it out, we will work through it and be all the stronger. The reason I can't is because I don't know how long I can go on as we are. I explained more about the stuff which is going on, and she explained her end too, which was great - we had a talk without a row first, which is unusual. After a big talk, we had a really nice kiss and I think there was more understanding between us of where we both are. We definitely love each other, and she acknowledges that she has more 'to do' to help things improve. It might sounds silly but we haven't had a passionate kiss for weeks or months, and for her to instigate such a thing meant a great deal to me. She acknowledged that it is a case of getting used to being intimate and close to each other again (and her being comfortable and used to being proactive), as for a couple of years there was a lot of distance and it became comfortable for her to be passive and insular. Anyway I won't ramble on too much, but it was a really positive bit of time and I think it was good for both of us to see how much we understand of each other and where we want to go now.

    Thanks for all your comments and advice, it's always interesting to see different sides and opinions about a situation, and it has given me food for thought in many ways. It really helps me to have the different aspects in mind when I am talking to her about things because hopefully I can not be purely subjective about it. Fingers crossed that things continue to slowly (or quickly!) improve.

    1282557810
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 994
    • Joined: 15 Aug 2010

    Hey Tronic. 'P' here...

    I was given a link to this thread in my own thread.

    I can't give any advice as I'm currently in a rather similar pickle myself.

    Only differences are if I 'Make a move' I get shunned, Pushed away etc. If I get upset I get told off and flamed for being 'desperate' and pervy...

    It's hard as hell when you feel like you're doing all the hard work, Yet the one person who supposedly loves and cares for you won't lift a finger! I know, I'm there right now dude!

    Man I hope the last month or so has been better for you since your last post...

    Anyway, Much respect and best regards from another 30-something chap in an 'Oh-So-Similar' situation to yours!

    'P' ;)

    1299979777
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Hey OA - I've been absent for a while from the forums and FB. The reason for the absence is a transitional phase as I returned to work and begin to get back to the proper routine of being in the office most of the time.

    The other matters which were in flux have been deprecated for the time being; the work situation is crucial to my financial stability etc, so I need to get it sorted out as best I can.

    The relationship status is undecided, things are still a bit up in the air and there are tons of things which are unresolved. If I am honest i have a slight negative prediction for the future, but I am open to change.

    Thanks to you of OA who have been of support and kept my spirits up during a difficult time. It has made a great difference to my perspective on a number of matters, and I cannot thank you all enough. I can't promise to be back regularly as I'd like to as usually things are up and down a lot and interrupts my concentration and routine.

    Anyway, I just thought a final, nail-in-coffin, death-knell, airhorn of woe was in order as this debacle finally slowly spirals down to an inevitable close.

    1299981230
    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 689
    • Joined: 15 Sep 2010

    Tronic - I've read back over some of your posts and you have my sympathy. I've been going through some slightly difficult times myself. All I can say is - if the forums help, keep coming on as often as you can. You have to do what helps you most.

    All the best, MrMr

    1299981312
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    tronic wrote:

    Hey OA - I've been absent for a while from the forums and FB. The reason for the absence is a transitional phase as I returned to work and begin to get back to the proper routine of being in the office most of the time.

    The other matters which were in flux have been deprecated for the time being; the work situation is crucial to my financial stability etc, so I need to get it sorted out as best I can.

    The relationship status is undecided, things are still a bit up in the air and there are tons of things which are unresolved. If I am honest i have a slight negative prediction for the future, but I am open to change.

    Thanks to you of OA who have been of support and kept my spirits up during a difficult time. It has made a great difference to my perspective on a number of matters, and I cannot thank you all enough. I can't promise to be back regularly as I'd like to as usually things are up and down a lot and interrupts my concentration and routine.

    Anyway, I just thought a final, nail-in-coffin, death-knell, airhorn of woe was in order as this debacle finally slowly spirals down to an inevitable close.

    Nice to see you back... In some capacity Mr T! I hope things go well.

    1299981970
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 313
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Hey WandA - I shall try to reply wittily to something soon. RIght now frazzleation prevents me.

    1299982281
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6177
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    tronic wrote:

    Hey WandA - I shall try to reply wittily to something soon. RIght now frazzleation prevents me.

    I await eagerly T!

    1299984676
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    You've been missed Tronic! I hope we see you back here a little more often if you get the chance :)

    Adxx

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.