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  1. Reboot!

    1274482707
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    tronic wrote:

    Hi you lot, so much useful stuff, I thank you.

    As for helping her find herself, I don't know what to do now. She's been and done horse riding, we bought 2 dogs and 2 cats, kennels, all to help with her depression and so on. Now she won't even walk the dogs and it's almost all left to me to deal with. We arranged for her to take 6 months off work to get her head together, so I took on all the bills etc. and burrowed a bit deeper into my debt-hole. The 6 months became 10 months, and during that time she didn't really do anything! I was working my bollocks off at the time to make ends meet so I admit I wasn't taking her out as much and so on, but there we go. Things got worse if anything during that time. I understand how depression can affect a person and I'm going through some stuff right now, but I'm not stopping with myself til it's fixed - I'm aware that wallowing around doing nothing will only perpetuate the vicious cycle of depression and intervention is necessary. For some reason she doesn't see things the same way, and thinks it will somehow work itself out.

    You've got your head screwed on!

    And you've done a lot for your OH!

    You should be proud of that at the very least. And you should start putting yourself first - it seems like she's putting herself first so why shouldn't you?!

    *Big hugs* lovely (and you are certainly lovely )

    Hope something gets figured out some how!

    Axxx

    1274485188
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 315
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Aaah fuggit, I just had a talk to her and it went tits up straight away.

    Ok drinking into oblivion now I think, for a change of scenery. Thanks again kind souls of the OA.

    1274486397
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    tronic wrote:

    Aaah fuggit, I just had a talk to her and it went tits up straight away.

    Ok drinking into oblivion now I think, for a change of scenery. Thanks again kind souls of the OA.

    I have some quality Polish vodka from a recent trip, I owe you a drink Tron!

    1274487326
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    WandA wrote:

    tronic wrote:

    Aaah fuggit, I just had a talk to her and it went tits up straight away.

    Ok drinking into oblivion now I think, for a change of scenery. Thanks again kind souls of the OA.

    I have some quality Polish vodka from a recent trip, I owe you a drink Tron!

    I'll hold you to that sir!

    1274523756
    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 24 Apr 2010

    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    This sounds like an ex girlfriend of mine who suffered depression. She was very cynical and wouldn't budge a muscle to find some help for it. She believed from the very bottom of her heart that she could deal with it herself, because the sad thing about it was that she would have 'good days' and 'bad days' and when she had a 'good day' she thought that it was herself that was helping it, not just the way the illness goes.


    Aye went through the same myself: when it's a good day, you think you're making progress, and when it's a bad day, you feel like you don't deserve help so you wallow and sink further down. Add to that the embarassment factor of actually going to a doctor and saying "I feel sad" like it's some major issue (it is, but you keep comparing yourself to 'normal' people and deciding it's not) and it's hard to make that move.

    Have you talked to the GP about her? They can't give you confidential details, but you're allowed to tell them everything you like: that way if you can wrangle her into the office, even if she sits there and says she's fine and it's nothing, the doctor knows what's going on and can interpret the "I'm fine" in light of the bigger picture.

    Just for perspective, I think the worrying you'll leave her and yet not trying to stop you is the self-sabotage part coming into play. By driving you away, she has some control over the situation, and it'll hurt less than if she put her heart and soul into trying and still lost you. Plus you get free license to increase the self-loathing because you have proof that you're unlovable. So in a twisted kind of way, it's a compliment, because she cares enough to need that guard for when she loses you (the fact you've no real intention of leaving is neither here nor there). Doesn't help much, but do just keep that in mind, that she's fighting you because she can't bear her feelings for you, or how you make her happy (after all, she's not worthy of happiness), and thinks you deserve better and should be given an excuse to leave without feeling guilty. Still sucks, but try not to start believeing her actions.

    1274526396
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    That's complicated bashfulbabe, but it does kind of make sense somehow!

    I'm also very aware of the tendency to put things off, and procrastinate when low mood strikes, even if the very matters which are being deftly reordered are crucial to lifting the mood and breaking out of the cycle. I do get the feeling that her wellness is being put off for some reason. I need to work out what that reason is I suppose, as she is not particularly driven to do so.

    I think "and thinks you deserve better " is true she has said this before. The issue for me is that now I am starting to agree! Not a nice feeling, similar to AA, the feeling of giving up is not palatable, neither is being unfulfilled in this relationship, I guess that's what makes it difficult to decide.

    Ok not dwelling on this today, the sun's out and she has gone to visit her mum and have a pedicure and her sister for a BBQ, so she will come back all happy and full of sun. I get the dogs and cats and a chance for peace and quiet and a cup of tea. :)

    @AA she is 30, a year younger than me (bar 2 weeks, and I make the very most of those 2 weeks to remind her that we are the same age! ha!)

    Thanks again for your kind thoughts and advice, it is all food for thought and I'm hoping it will all sink in and give me some more clear direction.

    1276287851
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    Ok here's an update, I was going to hang on for a bit but there's little point.

    We went on hols. It was nice. We had some arguments but on the whole it wasn't too bad. We even had sex one time. It was fun. Still she avoids and never instigates anything though, it's very wearing. we also had some nice talks about what's been going on and so on, which was helpful.

    She has been to see doctor since we came back and they are changing her meds a bit. That's a good start, and I've talked to her very seriously about the fact that it appears to me that she is ging back into depression, and telling her the things which are happening which make this seem obvious to me. she couldn't really argue as it is clearly happening, and I think finally she might be motivated to do something.

    It's a really delicate and tricky situation, or at least feels that way. Of course I could just jack it in and go elsewhere or be a hermit but it seems like such a waste of the years we have been together and I really still love her and she does me so it would be sad to lose that over these difficulties.

    Having said that, I am not a saint, and from time to time it is really hard to remember that actually she is not well and that is the thing behind the lack of interest and coldness.

    Of course this complicated ballsackery is entangled with my own little problem which is finally being sorted out after months of therapy and medication. The things feed into each other like feedback loops and it's hard work to keep everything separate, like in ghostbusters where they mustn't cross the streams!

    We've both had a cold too which obviously doesn't put one in the best mood to talk about deep topics.

    So in summary, there has been some more communication, but the physical stuff is still tentative and irregular and I'm not really convinced of anything except that I want to give it my best shot still.

    Sorry it's not great news! It's her birthday tomorrow so hopefully she will be in a nice mood and I can wait on her hand and foot and cook her a lovely meal with candles and make her feel as special as she is to me.

    1276288036
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    I like you Tronic... I don't want to bore you with all the 'girly' chat etc... I just want to inform you that you seem a really decent fella and deserve a blowjob!

    Things seem a bit more positive or at least on the right track more so. A genuine good luck!

    1276289359
    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Tronic, it sounds like you are still trying hard to make things work. It is good that your OH has seen the doctor and hopefully a change in her meds will work. My best wishes for her birthday tomorrow. x

    1276294150
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    yeah fingers crossed for chemical intervention! yeeha!

    thank you WandA, you're not so bad yourself. :)

    1276297925
    Laurakins [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Tronic, sorry to hear you and your other half are having a bad time at the moment. But im sure you can both work through it. I just hope that it doesn't all fall on your shoulders to make all the 'right' steps forward as i know that can be very hard. Im sure everyone on LoveHoney forums will be here if you need anybody to talk to or any more advice *big hugs*

    LK xxxx

    1277291554
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    So maybe another update is in order...

    Well, things are going ok-ish. Mrs. just sorted out a new job which I know has been getting her down for a while, so that should lift her mood a bit. She just splashed out on an ipad as well as a big treat for her birthday. I'm trying my hardest to do what I can to make her happy.

    Still she is not really interested in anything physical unless I instigate it and it is at just the right time. Currently my libido is flagging anyway so it's not creating as much resentment and tension as it usually does, but I still hope it can work itself out in time.

    I feel like jacking it all in and starting fresh sometimes - usually when i'm feeling volatile or unbalanced anyway, but it seems like such a shame to chuck away what we have rather than try to fix it. It's up to her to do quite a bit of the fixing though and I don't know if she can cope right now.

    I think I need to step back and be philosophical about the whole thing - whatever will be will be, in the end. I need to carry on with my idea of going away for a month or so and seeing how it goes with some space between us.

    No sex since the last time, which was some weeks ago. There is a series of reasons which are all quite reasonable but it really does make me think the amount of time I spend.. er.. in my own company, if you catch my meaning, I might as well go the whole hog and become a solo artist?

    Bah too fiddly for me to think about, I was awake half the night. Need to relax and stop ruminating on this matter - it actually isn't helping at all. :(

    1277366187
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    The thing that worries me about your post is that she is making an attempt to cheer herself up by buying the ipad etc, and she still doesn't feel like joining you in bed for something more than sleeping. Does she still cuddle or give you random kisses or even tell you she loves you? If not, then I'd be really worried..

    Yes, this still happens, just not very often more than that. :(

    1277388542
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks AA for good advice. I do try and do this kind of thing but she is very prickly in general a lot of the time. I hear what you're saying about the routine aspect of the problem, it is surely a lot to do with it.

    I've a strong idea that she has some stuff from a few years ago which isn't resolved for her, to do with an illness she has and the impact it has on her long-term. I hope she will realise soon that she could be much happier if she can deal with that stuff and clear up those loose ends. Whether or not we are still in a relationship, it would really benefit her to fix herself.

    It's really hard to stay in her comfort zone all the time, because she will quite happily have only backrubs, footrubs, all the little touches and affection, and it never does erupt like you mentioned, she just gets angry and cranky and tetchy. I recognise this as her sexual frustration, and I can fairly well guarantee that if I go to her and instigate some touching she will take what she needs and be satisfied, but left to her own devices she will not approach me.

    I will take your good advices to heart and try my best to let her be in her comfort zone. If this means we drift off into the night then so be it. I have spent too long trying everything I can imagine to stick the shards of this relationship back together. For her it is not really broken, she is relatively happy, in love, secure and satisfied. For me it is wobbling right on the edge and there is no quick solution. Maybe it is just best left to nature to decide!

    1279889318
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok so I have done my best to leave her in her comfort zone. She has enjoyed backrubs etc. This makes for an easy life with less arguments, but it in no way seems to make anything improve for me. The crux of things seems to be that she is content, and I am very much discontent. There doesn't seem to be much chance of compromise as she is not really too aware of this notion, her idea of compromise is for me to shut up and not complain, which is not quite right.

    I'm really worn down by this all now. I had a bit of a rebellion yesterday when she sked me to rub her feet, and said, maybe. I then explained that while it is easy for me to do it, and I do feel that I want to, I don't feel that it is fair to because things are in a big mess and it is sending the wrong kind of messages. I reckon she needs to feel that things are in a big mess in order to look at the situation critically and really make some decisions. At the moment this is not happening, and as is usual, I have to prompt discussion or exploration of the topic from her.

    I think that in a couple of months when I have some more money I will get a small flat for myself for 6 months or so and see if I can live on my own for a bit. It's the only thing I can think of left to do, and if it doesn't help then I will give up trying. Some things just can't be forced to work, apparently.

    1279889805
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    tronic wrote:

    Ok so I have done my best to leave her in her comfort zone. She has enjoyed backrubs etc. This makes for an easy life with less arguments, but it in no way seems to make anything improve for me. The crux of things seems to be that she is content, and I am very much discontent. There doesn't seem to be much chance of compromise as she is not really too aware of this notion, her idea of compromise is for me to shut up and not complain, which is not quite right.

    I'm really worn down by this all now. I had a bit of a rebellion yesterday when she sked me to rub her feet, and said, maybe. I then explained that while it is easy for me to do it, and I do feel that I want to, I don't feel that it is fair to because things are in a big mess and it is sending the wrong kind of messages. I reckon she needs to feel that things are in a big mess in order to look at the situation critically and really make some decisions. At the moment this is not happening, and as is usual, I have to prompt discussion or exploration of the topic from her.

    I think that in a couple of months when I have some more money I will get a small flat for myself for 6 months or so and see if I can live on my own for a bit. It's the only thing I can think of left to do, and if it doesn't help then I will give up trying. Some things just can't be forced to work, apparently.

    Perhaps a break or some time apart is needed, a little reminder of what she takes for granted and what she needs to do to keep you happy.

    Good luck Tron! Remember the OA is here for your worries!

    1279889821
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh dear Tronic *hugs* I'm so sorry it's gotton to that stage but well done for having the clarity to see what perhaps needs to be done!

    I really do hope it works out lovely, but if not, I hope you find the happiness you deserve

    Adxx

    1279889940
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    Ta WandA and AdnaW. (try saying that after a few pintolas!)

    She really doesn't have the oomph to do anything about it at the moment. So I think I need to do what I need to do.

    I'll become a serial OA poster if I move out though! A pox to it all.

    1279890015
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    oh yeah, sorry to moan on by the way, just haven't updated this for ages and I feel extra crap today so I thought I might as well catch up the thread.

    1279890154
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey tronic

    Sorry to read things are still not fab :-(

    Have you tried writeing her a letter telling her exactley how your feeling, the problems you have and how you want the relationship to be?

    I think some times if your given a letter and actually sit and read it in your own it makes you really think about what's been said and how the person is feeling. ESP if they have taken a long te to put it all down on paper.

    Huge hugs from

    Dcx

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