• Asexual?

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    i wanna say thankyou to all you guys too, i didnt think id get any response from anyone, felt like i was the only person in the world whos boyfirend isnt interested in her, all my mates seem to have lucrative sex lives and i cant say to them... well... my man doesnt want me. so yeah, thanks guys

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    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't give up ... please!

    He's ill and needs you. Get counselling and support for yourself, you need it too.

    If possible get counselling for him too - but I know how hard that is.

    Good luck to you ... both. My fingers and everything else I can cross, are crossed for you! Keep going ... you can do it ...!

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    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    missyrics wrote:

    ive suffered with depression for nearly 10 years but i guess everyones different. i just find it hard to help someone who wont help themselves, theres only so much i can say to him, i have forced him to go to the doctors a few times and i cant help but feel like his carer or his mum by constantly trying to help him help himself!

    Yes - I reckon there are different types of depression.

    Mine is / was a very dramatic breakdown and was very intense and very pronounced. A freind of mine has 'continual depression' - not episodic I mean ... but he can live withi t in a way I can't.

    I know I now have a weakness in my mental health and take care. But fr 3 years I took no care of myself at all. you can't help other than by being supportive and 'there' - almost the hardest thing in the world.

    I really feel for you.

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    sexynurse09 [sign in to see picture]
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    Missyrics, only you know the ins and outs of your relationship, and i'm sure there are lots of reasons to stay with him and you love him very much. People have spoken from personal experience about depression and you have suffered from it yourself, so you know how bad it is.

    Depression is a terrible thing and I agree with people here when they say its as valid an illness as any physical condition, just harder for people to understand because its something they can't see.

    However.....I think you have been very patient and offered lots of support so far, and I really really do hope he comes out of the depression and realises what a star you've been and begin to get back to how you were.

    What has really bothered me is you say you're not even able to meet your own needs now with some masturbation. He has got to understand that you are a human being with emotions and needs and desires, and if he can't satisfy them at the moment, he should not be begrudging you some solo time - it'll drive you insane! That is something that really needs addressing, no wonder your climbing the walls chick!!

    You say its toys he has a problem with, has he said why they bother him so much? I know with some men they say they feel they are being replaced - this was the attitude of my ex.

    I really really hope you guys work it out, but you've got to look after yourself in the meantime sweet, he's got no right to stop you from masturbating hun. xx

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    yeah its a replacement thing, he says i should be happy with what he can offer me.. !! which aint much at all, i think weve had sex once this year and that wasnt on my birthday, our anniversary or valentines day!! hes a really sensitive guy with not a lot of experience where as i have had a fair bit, last thing i wanna do id make him feel like he isnt enough for me but....well, i guess when it comes to affection he just isnt, i dont think anyone would be happy without any affection at all and im always lapping him up with attention and praise and affection and trying to make him feel good and i get nothing back, its soul destroying, it wouldnt be so bad if he was impotant or unable to have sex but he gets morning glory every morning and im just left to watch him desperatly try to get rid of it so that he can get ready for work or play ps3!! it hasnt stopped me, he does make me feel guilty tho, id go mad if i found out he was diying but thats cuz ive made myself available for him and i would be offended if he chose his hand over me. this is where the insecurity comes in now cuz now i feel like he thinks im some gross discusting cretin and thats why he prefers not to have sex or even touch me

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Sam66 wrote:

    I think that a person who is aware of their problem can make effort to rectify it, I also think that illnesses aren't excuses and you shouldn't be expected to stick around - you should stick around because you love him and you want to help him, but he shouldn't expect you to. His illness is his responsibility - but you choose to help him because you love him and he should be incredibly grateful for that!

    God ... so much to say about his post. But I will content myself with the short version!

    1. When you are mentally ill you cannot be aware of their problem. That's the point. you're ill but you don't know it.

    2. Illnesses aren't excuses ... hmmm. Not excuses but they are reasons... see above ...! Please TRY AND UNDERSTAND. Mental illness is a not an excuse, it's as real as any physical illness.

    3. You're right though to say you stay because you love him. Anytihng else is patronisng. IMVHO ...

    4. Yes he should be grateful, but he can only be grateful when he's recovered and he knows whats what.. So don;t look for gratitude / rationality now. It won't / can't happen

    Sorry if I seem too strident, but my experiences and those of my wife leave little room for tolerance of misunderstandings ...

    1. which is why I said "a person who IS aware" not a person who's ill *should* be aware. I'm quite aware that a mentally ill person doesn't know to begin with - that's what diagnosis is about but once they know they should take responisbility.

    2. I'm not saying people use mental illness as an excuse - I just have a problem with people who have any illness using them as excuses for certain behaviour - they aren't and shouldn't be. It can be a *reason* but the person using the *reason* has still potentially done something wrong - the illness doesn't give them a free pass.

    3. Fair enough

    4. That's what I meant.

    I know what mental illness is, please don't assume I'm stupid.

    A

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry. My post was harsh - that was wrong of me - *breathes*. I just have the same issues with people and misunderstandings and pride myself on being as understanding as I can be. I have been depressed (no where near as bad as yourself though) and have a physical illness that is invisible. I *get* that people can be arses about things like this sometimes (so I understand your harshness too) but I was trying really hard with my post to be concise without getting all het up in the rights and wrongs of certain things. I picked my words carefully so as to not sound like an arse without putting disclaimers after each sentence (because that can detract from the advice and I didn't want to go off topic) - I realise if you don't understand my carefullness with words then it's easy to read it as me being an arse.

    I apologise for getting wound up - but you have to remember - not all people are arses and you shouldn't assume people are without confirming their opinions first because you assumed mine were arse like and they really weren't.

    This isn't very clear as I'm a bit shattered but I hope you see my point.

    Ax

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    lol adnaw its ok, hope i didnt come across as anything aimed at you, i havnt posted anything hostile to anyone, i appriciate everyones help and opinion xxxx

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    he knows there is a problem and he knows he has aproblem but in his frame of mind he has just accepted his problem as the way his life is gonna be forever which pisses me off cuz i try hard

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    missyrics wrote:

    lol adnaw its ok, hope i didnt come across as anything aimed at you, i havnt posted anything hostile to anyone, i appriciate everyones help and opinion xxxx

    Ohhh no don't worry Missyrics my post wasn't directed at you at all me and Sam shouldn't have had our discussion in this thread (send Mistress Cara along to spank me for going off topic hehe) - didn't mean to worry you!!

    missyrics wrote:

    he knows there is a problem and he knows he has aproblem but in his frame of mind he has just accepted his problem as the way his life is gonna be forever which pisses me off cuz i try hard

    This is exactly what I mean - I understand when a person is depressed it makes it very difficult to find motivation to fix things but he owes you that effort - it's just figuring out how to make him see that!

    I wish I could help with that one.

    This may be useful http://www.studentdepression.org/the_depression_habit_spiral.php

    It's about the idea that depression isn't just one feeling - it's a whole range of feelings and feeling one, in turn leads to the others. Focusing on one small step can be useful and may feel less daunting to your partner.

    For example - if he's not ready to focus on being "sex" yet, suggest working on feeling happy at least once a day. Even if it's just taking a few minutes out to think about the good things (you can help with this if he's struggling). This suggestion mightn't work for *some* sufferers but could for others so it might be worth a go. It might feel like forced happiness to begin with, but if you put it into his routine eventually it might switch from "I'm trying to think of happiness for the sake of my partner" to "I'm looking forward to my 5 minutes of happiness later".

    I don't know - things like this work for me, but perhaps not for others but it's always worth a try.

    Ax

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    thats really helpful thanks, maybe baby steps forward is the way forward. silly thing is, im off to study psychology in uni soon. but yeah that really makes sense, i guess some people forget how to be naturally happy, even for no reason, i guess im a bit lucky cuz im slightly manic depressive so i see both ends of the scale if im not careful. but at least i get the highs along with the lows. ill read up some more from that website, thanks loads i think thats a huge idea im going to try to facilitate.

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    missyrics wrote:

    yeah its a replacement thing, he says i should be happy with what he can offer me.. !! which aint much at all, i think weve had sex once this year and that wasnt on my birthday, our anniversary or valentines day!! hes a really sensitive guy with not a lot of experience where as i have had a fair bit, last thing i wanna do id make him feel like he isnt enough for me but....well, i guess when it comes to affection he just isnt, i dont think anyone would be happy without any affection at all and im always lapping him up with attention and praise and affection and trying to make him feel good and i get nothing back, its soul destroying, it wouldnt be so bad if he was impotant or unable to have sex but he gets morning glory every morning and im just left to watch him desperatly try to get rid of it so that he can get ready for work or play ps3!! it hasnt stopped me, he does make me feel guilty tho, id go mad if i found out he was diying but thats cuz ive made myself available for him and i would be offended if he chose his hand over me. this is where the insecurity comes in now cuz now i feel like he thinks im some gross discusting cretin and thats why he prefers not to have sex or even touch me

    Hiya Missyrics! Here's an idea. . . .throw the bloody PS3 out the window girl and tell him he should be happy it's just something you do!

    Just my opinion of course

    SG x

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    missyrics wrote:

    thats really helpful thanks, maybe baby steps forward is the way forward. silly thing is, im off to study psychology in uni soon. but yeah that really makes sense, i guess some people forget how to be naturally happy, even for no reason, i guess im a bit lucky cuz im slightly manic depressive so i see both ends of the scale if im not careful. but at least i get the highs along with the lows. ill read up some more from that website, thanks loads i think thats a huge idea im going to try to facilitate.

    Ahhh I'm well chuffed you like my idea

    That's been my target for the last few years - I've always been a happy and positive person but when I went through a bout of "stress" (as I like to call it as mine was mainly caused by stress and worrying) I was sad more often than happy. Since I managed to get back to normal I always try to see the positive in everything and aim to be as happy as I can be even if I don't feel like it because I now realise that happiness is one of the most important things in the world (imo).

    The other benefit to baby steps is they are easier to achieve and success is such a good motivator!

    Good luck and *hugs*

    Ax

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    haha its very tempting but it seems to be the only time i see him enjoy himself, its a bloody pickle aint it, catch 22 sort of like it or lump it situation, im definately checking out with 'relate' councilling tho. its sad tho that im 23 and he is 25 and we spend our time with him playin ps3 and me reading, not touching at all like, at opposite ends of the sofa, i sometimes worry its because we both put on a bit of weight since we met, although he doesnt seem to have a prob walking around with all to see but ive gone up 2 dress sizes since i met him and hes gone up a few too, hes said in the past that its a turn off when there are two fat bodies against each other but i9m trying hard to get back to a size 10/12 and ya know,,, its not as if i lack in other departments, my ass is huge which he used to love and im a 34 ee/f up top too! its all just confuses the hell outta me, i dunno whether i should be losing weight, getting help or looking for a way to make myself feel reassured.. sometimes in arguements he says its cuz im fat and lazy yet other times he takes it back, he has put on just as much weight as me! he can get nasty when he is pushed into a corner, but i understand thats because he cant think of any other way out and he is a serious introvert, i spoke to his mum about his real dad and she said the same with him too, like, people thought he was arrogant but he wernt, its just cuz he is quiet and sometimes feels anti social...argh, the plot thickens!!

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    missyrics wrote:

    haha its very tempting but it seems to be the only time i see him enjoy himself, its a bloody pickle aint it, catch 22 sort of like it or lump it situation, im definately checking out with 'relate' councilling tho. its sad tho that im 23 and he is 25 and we spend our time with him playin ps3 and me reading, not touching at all like, at opposite ends of the sofa, i sometimes worry its because we both put on a bit of weight since we met, although he doesnt seem to have a prob walking around with all to see but ive gone up 2 dress sizes since i met him and hes gone up a few too, hes said in the past that its a turn off when there are two fat bodies against each other but i9m trying hard to get back to a size 10/12 and ya know,,, its not as if i lack in other departments, my ass is huge which he used to love and im a 34 ee/f up top too! its all just confuses the hell outta me, i dunno whether i should be losing weight, getting help or looking for a way to make myself feel reassured.. sometimes in arguements he says its cuz im fat and lazy yet other times he takes it back, he has put on just as much weight as me! he can get nasty when he is pushed into a corner, but i understand thats because he cant think of any other way out and he is a serious introvert, i spoke to his mum about his real dad and she said the same with him too, like, people thought he was arrogant but he wernt, its just cuz he is quiet and sometimes feels anti social...argh, the plot thickens!!

    Huge ass? 34 EE/F? . . . . .*hubba hubba!*

    SG x

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    haha, my fiance dont behave that way! i think he thinks im discusting. ive never measured my bum haha lol i may actually do it soon, things are complicated, maybe he really loves me but dont fancy... me...ok pic up soon! lol

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    haha ok pow!!! now you can be brutal guys,

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    missyrics wrote:

    haha ok pow!!! now you can be brutal guys,

    Wowee lady! Is that you? Very sexy!!

    Ax

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    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
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    haha yeah tis me thanks x

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    SmoothOne [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Missyrics

    I don't think you'll be the only one in this at all. Depression is a bitch as you well know. Hang in there, there are usually some pretty imaginative people on here. One idea that springs to mind is diplomatically come to an arrangement. Once a fortnight, on whatever night (pre-agreed), you will tie him up, blindfold him, and pleasure him, then two weeks later it will be his turn to do the pleasuring. That way, there is less pressure on him, and he might relax a bit, and over time warm up a bit. With the exception of that one night every two weeks, you promise not to hassle him for sex. That way he'd be unreasonable to say no.

    There's plenty of ideas for what to do to him when he's tied up for him to actually enjoy it, but that might be another thread, shout if you want ideas tho.

    Good luck x

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