1. Sexual compatibility

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    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm doing a bit of soul searching at the moment, and want to know everyones thoughts on sexual compatibility? 

    What if everything else is just perfect, but in the bedroom it just isn't?

    Bit of a back story because its obvious this is for me: Happily married, 7 years, 2 kids and all the fairytale stuff in between. Mr L does the dishes, cleans the house, has a great job, we have nice things, we are best friends and always work as a team, I trust him implicitly and know i'd never find anyone like him BUT his sex drive is really lacking. I mean, he could go a month and not bat an eyelid. He is soooo affectionate, loving, kisses and cuddles me, holds my hands, walks next to the road so I don't have to, holds my legs at night when we watch TV.. You know, everything you could ever want yet the only thing we argue about is sex! HELP!

    I'm not saying I want it everyday - it would be nice but I am realistic but surely he should want me, desire me. He says we aren't teenagers anymore and that he is tired from work and the kids and I get that but I read all of these forum posts of men wanting their women and I want that. Why doesn't he want me? We have open communication and I know that he rarely masturbates, but I do, alot. 

    Maybe we just aren't sexually compatible? I dont know I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest to you lovely bunch. 

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi ya,

    its perfectly normal, I’ve found since joining LH my sexual appetite has changed, I’ve been with my hubby 15 years, and he to is the perfect gent, he literally lives for me & our kids. I’ve had a troubled past with abuse and I admit I’ve taken a lot out on him. I wouldn’t have sex with him, I’d never orgasamed and I just didn’t find sex appealing.

    if my hubby tried to talk about sex I’d would shut it down, and refuse to talk. Whilst trying for our eldest we had a lot of sex, and it wasn’t mutual fun, it was literally for the purpose of getting pregnant.

    9 months ago, one of my friends told me she had left her husband. And it literally floored me, this couple from the outside looked perfect, if it could happen to them, it could to us too. So I finally sat my hubby down and told him about the horrible abuse that happened to me, he of course the gent he is, loved me even more than he did before, he paid for me to get counselling, and we started to really communicate about our relationship. Now I’m not great at communicating at all, there are things I still struggle with, I’m a selective mute, so for me I mostly text him if I struggle to talk.

    since counselling I’ve regained my sex drive, I literally want it every minute! We have had a lot of miss communication, and arguments over it. My hubby works 16 hours a day and he has a physically challenging job, so we sat and talked about how we both feel about sex and everything that comes before too. My hubby is happy to have as much sex as he can, sometimes that 2-3 times Night, sometimes it’s once and sometimes, none. So on the nights that he can’t peform he will spend time playing with me or he likes to watch me play. It’s taken a lot and I mean a lot of talking to come to a comprise.

    talk to your hubby and ask him, how much sex he would like, maybe it’s once a week, msybe it’s more? Then discuss other ways you can both get pleasure, so you could have an evening with just oral ? It’s all about getting a happy medium for you both.

    good luck with it, sorry for the long post!

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    Boomsly [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a similar situation but my wife would go months on ends with no interest in sex, we try to have some adult time once a week to try to find a happy medium to encourage and move forward but it’s not working. Seems like a chore and will not relax and enjoy anything. It’s funny as I also thing the same she is absolutely brilliant but her lack of sex drive can be frustrating to say the least, also want essentially the same thing as you as I keep seeing all these people with what I’d consider a great sex life. If you find a solution please pass on the helpful tips😂

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    It's a tough one to answer, but if he's just not that into sex once he's done a days work, and he feels like he wants to wined down sexually, at this point in his life, it's going to be hard to change that; no one should feel pressured to give sex.

    As Justthe2of us says, you need to communicate about it; rather than go in saying you need more sex, and why aren't you willing to give it to my, and don't you find me attractive anymore. That kind of approach will come over as demanding, and will cause arguments. If you are doing this, you are forcing him to defend his corner; if you ask him if there is anything you could do to compromise, and tell him you know he loves, and fancies you, but you can't help but feel that you would like a little more of some kind of sexual intamacy.

    Maybe he would be ok to use a toy or his fingers on you, if he just doesn't feel he is up for getting hard and performing for you. Even do as JT2OU suggested, and ask if would carress while you play with your toys. 

    The key thing is,  no demands, seek understanding of you, from him, and you of him, then try to find a middle ground that you can both be happy with. 

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    Trine [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not sure I can offer any help as in our house it was the typical way round, after the kids came MrsTrine could go weeks without even thinking about it. I'll share my story incase you can take anything from it :)

    This is going to paint me in a bad light but it was a while back, with 3 kids all with 2 years apart, so 1,3,5 MrsTrine had a lot going on that I didnt really understand as I'm out 12hours a day bringing bacon home. I did at the weekends obviously and in the evenings I got to do the fun stuff and just put them to bed. Anyways the 'im not in the mood' line started to get kicked about and then it just become her catchphrase. I started to resent her and say things like, I dont need you to be in the mood or 'well, Im not in the mood for mowing the grass then' 'Or fixing the car' ect. We are in a much better place now, kids are pretty much independent and I cringe when I look back at my attitude.. bad Trine!

    What didnt help me is my best friend and his wife used to come round and he could take it or leave it and his wife was gagging for it and it was so frustrating, I just wanted shake him and tell him he didnt know how lucky he was!

    Our solution after sitting down and talking was simply date night, and we still have it 15years later. Have a date night on the sofa, film, wine, no mobiles. Dont have it structured and have sex everytime, keep that part spontaneous, sometimes it didnt lead to sex but being close is good. Sometimes the film gets ignored and we end up talking and talking, thats how alot of our fantasies came out :) maybe if you can prise a fantasy out of him, you can use it as bait..remembering if its a yum to him not to yuk it (heard that from a wise source once :)

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    Gosig [sign in to see picture]
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    MrandMrs_L wrote:

    He is soooo affectionate, loving, kisses and cuddles me, holds my hands, walks next to the road so I don't have to, holds my legs at night when we watch TV.. You know, everything you could ever want yet the only thing we argue about is sex! HELP!

    I'm not saying I want it everyday - it would be nice but I am realistic but surely he should want me, desire me. He says we aren't teenagers anymore and that he is tired from work and the kids and I get that but I read all of these forum posts of men wanting their women and I want that. Why doesn't he want me?

    Crikey mate exactly the same problem here. It just messes with my head listening to all the men on here wanting to do various things to their ladyfolk who are less keen. In my head it translates as 'why doesn't MY husband want to do all this stuff to me?'. I'm the one rolling over under the covers to give him oral first thing in the morning when we have time, but I am never going to wake up to his head between my legs. Yes I could ask him to, but I am finding it difficult that he doesn't seem fussed by a lot of sex stuff. I guess regardless of which gender you are, if you are having to initiate things all the time, however receptive your OH is to what you are doing, the fact that you are having to drive things does make you (me) feel a little rejected.

    If you have an otherwise strong marriage, I guess we all know it would be a silly thing to risk for a chance at more satisfying sex by finding it elsewhere. It is, however, difficult not to feel resentful if your needs are not being met. In terms of feeling 'desired' as much as you want, that is such a strange thing to have to ask of the person who loves you. I confuse myself thinking of ways to move things forward, and I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give, I just wanted to hold my hand up to say you are not the only one who feels this way. I truly hope that you can somehow move the situation forward, and please be sure to let the rest of us know how to do it too!   

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    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks everyone, each of you have valid points and I will digest what each and everyone of you has said to me. 

    Gosig, I know seriously, he's literally the most amazing guy. He just doesn't have a high sex drive. The way I see it is (wrong or right) sex is passion and love and fire and everything else, to him its just an add on to all of that. If he doesn't have it, he doesn't need it but will more than happy go along for the ride and he is very adventurous when I put things out there. Like you said, you just want to know why he isn't like all these other men on here and I also feel rejected. 

    Our commnication is fab, he already knows all of what I have said today, I must have said it a thousand times, and I would never ever look elsewhere because the next guy would be wanting to have sex ALLLLL the time but no doubt he wouldn't do my dishes hahahahhaa 

    Thanks again everyone, you always know how to cheer me up and lift my spirits in more ways than one!

    1539801749
    Knight1119 [sign in to see picture]
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    I wish I could offer some kind help, but I’m in similar situation unfortunately, we haven’t had sex for years, and I’ve just got used to solo play. Best wishes everyone.

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    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    Knight1119 wrote:

    I wish I could offer some kind help, but I’m in similar situation unfortunately, we haven’t had sex for years, and I’ve just got used to solo play. Best wishes everyone.

    Oh wow Knight1119 and there is me moaning! I am so sorry you are going through that. Do you want to talk about it? 

    1539804014
    Delightful87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey! So back story. We have children and the last one came along this time last year. Since then I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex after a full day at work. I went back to work when baby was 3 weeks old, I work 50+ hours a day. I also exclusively expressed breastmilk for my baby for 11.5 months. ALL my energy went in to ALL of that! My husband works long hours and commutes 2.5 hours each way. He leaves at 4am and returns at 8:30pm or 3:30pm to 9am. I just wanted to roll into bed and sleep. Lots of times he tried and tried to entice me but I just didn’t have the energy or inclination. Since I stopped expressing and no longer take any contraception my sex drive has sky rocketed and now he’s the one saying ‘not tonight darling’. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and all I can say is be gentle with him. Talk to him, explain to him how you feel and that neither of you are right or wrong. Ask if he would rather just partake in some foreplay maybe? Or watch you with your toys. I always loved my husband deeply even though the poor bloke wasn’t getting anything from me for weeks on end! Relationships definitely need working on more as we get older.

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    NibbleNob [sign in to see picture]
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    I can’t really add anything to help, just another vote of solidarity from someone in the same position. The woman I met and married has been replaced by someone who couldn’t really give a toss (pun intended!) about sex. The lingerie that used to be worn forgotten, blow jobs a distant memory, the panting moaning sex replaced by occasional sessions of duty, a month since the last one. And just to stick the knife in I need regular sex to be any good at it, all too exciting if I’ve had to wait weeks for it and end result is over way too quickly. I’m currently at a point where I’ve pretty much given up. Sometimes get up early to walk the dog to avoid being in a situation where I feel rejected. Or find something interesting to a bloke only on TV to avoid going to bed at same time. Knowing full well on occasions she’ll be using these times to pull out a toy and enjoy herself. Don’t want an affair. Don’t want to use hookers. Do want Some form of sex life. Moan over 😂

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    Trine [sign in to see picture]
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    I was thinking about this thread on my drive home >.< I think another side to the problem is if the other person knows its readily available like 24/7 its no fun, it has no chase if I'm explaining myslef?

    Maybe take it off the cards for a while, I dunno how long you'd have to wait is the only bad thing. It's been taken off the cards for you guys (and myself) and look what it done to us lol

    If this makes no sense just skip and ignore >.<

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    Trine [sign in to see picture]
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    Delightful87 wrote:

     I work 50+ hours a day.

    Wow. you. must. be. exhausted!

    I know what you ment it just made me giggle :)

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    NibbleNob [sign in to see picture]
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    Trine I think makes sense if the OH has SOME sex drive, not if they have none, then it just makes it a convenient resolution to their problem as they see it.

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    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    Delightful87 wrote:

    Hey! So back story. We have children and the last one came along this time last year. Since then I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex after a full day at work. I went back to work when baby was 3 weeks old, I work 50+ hours a day. I also exclusively expressed breastmilk for my baby for 11.5 months. ALL my energy went in to ALL of that! My husband works long hours and commutes 2.5 hours each way. He leaves at 4am and returns at 8:30pm or 3:30pm to 9am. I just wanted to roll into bed and sleep. Lots of times he tried and tried to entice me but I just didn’t have the energy or inclination. Since I stopped expressing and no longer take any contraception my sex drive has sky rocketed and now he’s the one saying ‘not tonight darling’. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and all I can say is be gentle with him. Talk to him, explain to him how you feel and that neither of you are right or wrong. Ask if he would rather just partake in some foreplay maybe? Or watch you with your toys. I always loved my husband deeply even though the poor bloke wasn’t getting anything from me for weeks on end! Relationships definitely need working on more as we get older.

    This is so true, I also have been on both ends. We used to both want it alot in the beginning, then in the middle kids came along and I didn't want it as much and now I am sterlised, no birth control messing with my hormones my sex drive has gone through the roof. He is super understanding and you are so right. Lots of work for a relationship to work. Thank you x

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    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    NibbleNob wrote:

    I can’t really add anything to help, just another vote of solidarity from someone in the same position. The woman I met and married has been replaced by someone who couldn’t really give a toss (pun intended!) about sex. The lingerie that used to be worn forgotten, blow jobs a distant memory, the panting moaning sex replaced by occasional sessions of duty, a month since the last one. And just to stick the knife in I need regular sex to be any good at it, all too exciting if I’ve had to wait weeks for it and end result is over way too quickly. I’m currently at a point where I’ve pretty much given up. Sometimes get up early to walk the dog to avoid being in a situation where I feel rejected. Or find something interesting to a bloke only on TV to avoid going to bed at same time. Knowing full well on occasions she’ll be using these times to pull out a toy and enjoy herself. Don’t want an affair. Don’t want to use hookers. Do want Some form of sex life. Moan over 😂

    Aww NibbleNob! It's so good to hear your side, although not so good that you aren't having much luck in the bedroom at the moment. I don't know what advice I can give because I could use some for myself but just know that we're all here to talk to you. I love that you say you don't want an affair or to use hookers when so many men wouldn't bat an eyelid. You sound like a keeper. I hope things improve!!! 

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    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    Trine wrote:

    I was thinking about this thread on my drive home >.< I think another side to the problem is if the other person knows its readily available like 24/7 its no fun, it has no chase if I'm explaining myslef?

    Maybe take it off the cards for a while, I dunno how long you'd have to wait is the only bad thing. It's been taken off the cards for you guys (and myself) and look what it done to us lol

    If this makes no sense just skip and ignore >.<

    Haha wouldn't skip and ignore. I love everyone that takes time out of there day to talk to a total stranger, in this case me, and try to help. This is what I love about this forum. This is so true, but I think he just wouldn't get it lol!!! Either that or I just wouldn't be able to stick to it lol!!! 

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    Trine [sign in to see picture]
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    Its a shame these forums dont have a 'like' button. I want to like all these positive posts even though I dont have much to contribute :(

    1539804971
    MrandMrs_L [sign in to see picture]
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    Trine wrote:

    Its a shame these forums dont have a 'like' button. I want to like all these positive posts even though I dont have much to contribute :(

    Even this is a contribution! Don't put yourself down. This forum has literally made my life for the past few months. It gives an odd sense of security even though everyone is a stranger 

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    Delightful87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah. 50+ hours a day 🤣🙈 week is what I meant! I mean, I know I’m talented but even I can’t add hours to the day. Just feels like I work 50+ hours in a single day 🤣🤣🤣

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