• help needed please?

    1268530218
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    hi i have gone and searched everywhere on the forums for help and advice but i cant find any.

    my problem is that no matter what i do or say to my oh she just isnt happy with herself so because of this she basically feels sad everytime we do stuff.

    It hasnt always been like this but over the past year she has gone off sex and doesnt like getting her kit off in front of me i have asked her what is wrong and all i get is she feels fat ugly and doesnt feel sexy or attractive and cant see why i still fancy her and love seeing her naked.

    i am goin out of my mind and dont know what to say or do to make her feel speacial and love herself like she used to do. is it always goin to be like this or am i just a man who will never understand a females mind.

    please help me

    1268533121
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    What exactly is your mrs insecure about? Has something changed?

    If she's worried about her weight, how about (very, very tactfully!) suggetsting you join a gym together and eat healthily together. Let her know that you adore her body just how it is, but you want her to feel happy with herself too, and if that means getting a bit healthier together then you'd love to put that smile back on her face

    If it's something that's not changeable, then it's more difficult but can be done! I used to be terribly insecure about my boobs (to the extent that I was physically sick the first few times WandA touched them) but now, I couldn't care less because I learnt, WandA loves them no matter what, and to everyone else I can fake it using padding etc. It's all about being tactful and supportive but if you know exactly what wrecks her confidence it would help you work with her.

    Ax

    1268533694
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    Here's some excellent advice I once heard.

    Someone who is constantly insulting themselves will not get over it by being complimented all the time, as unfair and annoying as that is. But people asking them 'would you talk in that way about your best friend?' can hit home.

    Understanding that you are being less kind to yourself than you would be to anyone else can really shift someone's perspective.

    1268564484
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    Adnaw my mrs has always had a problem with her weight she used to get picked on everyday at primary school and then secondary school. then when she would go home it would start again from the teenagers around her area.

    i have tried asking her to join a gym but she isnt comfortable enuff to do stuff in the gym she thinks people are looking at her and making fun at her. i try and be supportive but just dont know what else i can do but just be here for her and not get fed up with her.

    tigerliilies my mrs doesnt really insult herself out loud anyway and i have tried to tell her that and all i get is im still ugly and fat and not sexy and attractive.

    1268567513
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you tried taking her out to get some new clothes, underwear and makeup? No matter how bad i'm feeling i always feel better with new clothes on! Also just some alone time, a nice meal and a bottle of wine then a massage, tell her how much you love her body and what your favourite parts of her body are. Sorry if you have already tried that! x

    1268581698
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    sh4ag wrote:

    Adnaw my mrs has always had a problem with her weight she used to get picked on everyday at primary school and then secondary school. then when she would go home it would start again from the teenagers around her area.

    Is your OH actually over weight? If so, healthy eating is a massive boost. You can work out a person's BMR (basal metabolic rate - basically how many calories you need *just* to live and do nothing more) then add on the amount of calories required for the activity level of said person. As long as you eat less than that final number of calories, you will gradually lose weight. Cutting out snacking is a quick way of cutting calories down and trying to keep a low amount of saturated fats is a must (for anyone not just for those trying to lose weight). Stop taking sugar in tea or coffee and use skimmed milk instead of semi - skimmed, switch to diet soft drinks instead of full fat and drink lots of water. Focus on the fact that it's healthy, not necessarily a weight losing tactic (maybe tell your OH that you're worried about your health and want to give yourself the best boost for later life). Keep portion sizes down and eat slowly - you will feel full after 20 minutes of eating no matter how much you've eaten so eating slowly really works and I know having small plates really helps people psychologically (the plate still looks full but the portion sizes are smaller). Have one night a week where you forget about calories. Never deny yourselves anything (you want chocolate,as long as it doesn't take you over your calorie figure then go for it!).

    Encourage your partner to pamper and take care of herself, long baths after busy days, pretty matching underwear, lovely make up etc. Combine that, with gradual weight loss, and taking care of your health and you would hope the confidence would creep up. Remind her that she deserves to be well looked after and you will do what you can as long as she promises to help by taking care of herself.

    Take more walks together now the weather is improving, start with short walks and work up, make sure you walk at least 3 - 4 times a week and use it to chat and enjoy each others company, gradually walk more quickly each time (you should just be starting to struggle to keep a conversation for it to be classed as exercise but work up to that slowly so your OH doesn't feel bad if she struggles - and let her hear if you struggle for breath to make her feel able to relax more).

    Gradually making yourselves healthier is a massive confidence boost even if your OH doesn't lose weight. Obviously some of this may be useless as I don't know you or your partner, but these are things that really work for me so I hope some of it is useful!

    Ax

    1268591393
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Adnaw to me my oh looks healthy she is a size 12-14 even when I do treat her to new clothes she is happy for abit and then goes back to normal and getting her to go for walks is hard work if it's to warm she can't be bothered to walk and when it's cold she moans it's to cold to walk any more help and advice will be ever so helpful as I don't know what to do anymore

    1268669791
    Tigerlilies [sign in to see picture]
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    I have sympathy for you, Sh4ag. Unfortunately, my natural reaction to someone complaining about something they can change is 'so get off your ass and do something about it then!.' But I feel this won't be appropriate for your situation at all.

    Is it something she accepts is a problem? Couples counselling for self esteem could be of use. It's a process that she would need a lot of emotional support to get through and it sounds like you're already there for her in a big way.

    1268671930
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    she knows it's a problem she doesnt have a problem with exercise in the house. there is only so much you can do in a house though espeacialy if there isnt alot of room and she will go out at night and exercise but i really dont like her going out at night on her own ( i would go with her but i work at night and have only the day to go out)

    i will always be here for her and she knows that i just wondered whether it's me moaning or just something that happens in life

    1268673287
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Does she work? Is she unmotivated with other things too? Do you think she could be depressed? x

    1268743388
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    thanks ILM she doesnt work at the moment as she is still doing her uni work and she tells me she doesnt feel depressed.

    also thanks to loves huni i have talked to her and she is going to try and go out and do more exercise and we have worked out the night time as well as my mom and brother also want to lose weight and dont work at night time so they said they will all go walking together and we are trying to cut out her snacks and switching fizzy drinks for water and sugar free squash.

    1268744906
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you i hope it works to :)

    1268748504
    Puppies77 [sign in to see picture]
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    Your mrs sounds like me, I fluctuate from a 12-16 and had a really bad time at school from primary till comp about being ugly. I still deal with those issues now and if I get depressed it gets outa control to the point where i dont want my OH to see me, let alone touch me.

    You said she says she's not depressed. How is her mood throught the day? Is she just like this when it comes to sex?

    1268784275
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm a larger lady and sometimes feel lumpy but this sounds like more than that. Maybe try re-enforcing how attractive you find her outside of a sexual context. So when you're cuddled up in bed, tell her how wonderful it feels to be touch her smooth warm skin and when her hair looks great, tell her so, or if she's dressed really nicely say so.

    Lots of heartfelt genuine complements in a non-sexual context might help her self-esteem & make you closer. She's more than likely aware that your sex-life isn't perfect & possibly has guilt wrapped up with it too, but by making her feel good about herself in other ways might help her get past this.

    Best wishes to both of you

    1268830232
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    puppies77 : yeah her mood thorugh out the day is fine she is good to be around until it comes to me touching her and trying to have sex.

    thanks curlycouplewife i will try those techniques and see how she responds to it

    1273681634
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    so i thought our sex life was gettimg better but over the weekend it got to the point where she finally admitted that she doesnt see the point in sex and doesnt feel the need to do stuff as it is overated so i am firmly back to square one. i dont believe in cheating on her as i believe when you ;ove someone and been with them for more then 3 years it will basically break her heart. so what do i do now it's just so frustrating.

    1273684409
    tronic [sign in to see picture]
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    sh4ag, I just saw this thread today and I thought I'd stick my 2p worth in.

    It's all good advice from folks here - I'm in the exact same boat as you at the moment.

    I've done all the tactful nice things I can think of, i've backed off and given her space, bought her nice things, makeup, clothes, underwear, simple things like hot water bottle for her backache when it's her time of the month as a surprise. We go out, do things (if I can get her to leave the house) I've talked to her about it, I've tried to get her to go to couples counselling, go to counselling herself - allsorts. I even worked myself half to death so that she could take a year off work to get herself back on track, but she didn't get very far in that time.

    And it does feel like a continuous uphill struggle. Everything for us personally comes down to problems communicating. Whether it is communicating between ourselves or with outside parties like counsellors etc.

    I'm at the cliched 'end of my tether' because it has just dawned on me that there is no specific reason why I should be the person doing all the running and trying. It's a 2 person thing, and no amount of trying from just one side of the relationship is going to make it work IMO.

    It feels like I'm crawling forwards slowly on a rapidly collapsing pier, nd there's only 1 way which I can go, into the sea. The choice is how fast to let go. I'm hoping there is a miracle at this point!

    I guess the hard choices start to come up about now - the balance of pain/love and the future potential of the situation. :(

    Whether any of this relates to you I don't know but I just thought I'd chip in and let you know you're not alone.

    U want a man hug? >gives sh4ag a man hug and a pat on the back<

    I hope you can get sorted out. :) good luck.

    1273699969
    CurlyCoupleWife [sign in to see picture]
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    Guys, I really feel for you. You sound like such caring men & I'm so sad for you.

    I'm afraid I have no new advice just a great big friendly hug & all my best wishes that you find happiness somehow

    x

    1273719919
    RubberJin [sign in to see picture]
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    Guys, I've been in this exact situation, in a long term relationship, when you've tried all the compliments, help, support, encouragement, and nothing's changed it's just relationship torture. I really feel for you.

    If it boils down to her being unhappy with herself (eg not clinically unhealthy, just poor self-image) but just too lazy to do anything about it, and when you've exhausted everything else, I can only suggest from experience that tough love, with a (metaphorical) boot up the arse is the only course of action left.

    It may wake her up, it may not. It may also break the relationship up. But, carrying on with both of you suffering is not an option, it's not fair on you or her.

    If you give her a jolt and it cures her, but she leaves, then both of you can get on with your lives. If she doesn't get better but leaves in protest then at least you can get on with your life, knowing you did all you possibly could and that it's not your problem anymore. If she gets better AND sticks around, then obviously that's the winning result.

    A friend of mine stayed with a girl for over a year purely through guilt over this sort of thing, he was more social worker than boyfriend. There comes a point when you need to think about you, especially if no-one else is.

    1273749686
    sh4ag [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you tronic i'll give you a man hug back >gives tronic a man hug.

    our life together is much better if we dont involve the sexual stuff as soon as i touch her or even kiss her back or neck she just freezes and moves away from me.

    Then over the weekend it just got to the point where she turned around and said i dont like sex and she thinks it's too overated and doesnt see the point in it.

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