1. Recovering from Trauma and Operations and getting Sexy again! (Amended)

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    Emerald269 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all, apologies to everyone, Leanne and the Lovehoney Community Team for going into inappropriate detail on the previous thread of the same title. It's not an excuse 'being new' to the forum now. I have been given some kind, informative advice and know that I should only discuss delicate issues with appropriate authorities and within appropriate settings. Just wanted to put things right. Instead of focusing on the bad effects of childhood trauma, I should indeed be concentrating on the positives that have come from this awful situation. Sorry to all for not going the correct route in addressing this issue.

    I can only thank everyone for their kindness and support including Leanne and the Lovehoney Community Team. Since shopping and getting sexual advice with Lovehoney and everyone on the forums, I've started to turn things around. I am learning new things about my body and becoming more confident in the bedroom and in myself. I find wearing sexy lingerie helps with my self esteem and making me feel awesome in myself and my body - and there's so many beautiful items to choose from! I have reviewed several of these so far to help other people find out what they like to wear to feel good, and will continue to do so. One thing I have learnt is that eveyone (despite upbringing, sexuality, disability, race or gender) is entitled to a fulfilling, happy sex life. Everyone deserves to be confident in themselves and I hope my reviews and advice reflect this as I want to help others.

    P!ease let me know how you've turned tragedy and/or illness, including diagnosis/post operative conditions into a positive for you and how you have learned to re-build your life and gained your confidence back. Thanks for everyone's advice and time. Emerald x.

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    AmyA [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't see what happened on the other post and this isn't exactly trauma related but kind of relates to illness and hopefully isn't TMI. I had/have bad psoriasis around my crotch and genitals which has taken at least10 years to get diagnosed and successfully (hopefully) managed and this along with another medical diagnosis concerning hormones and genetics etc were the main reasons for me not exploring myself (or wanting to) or having the desire to have anyone else explore me. Once things started to improve I was able to learn about myself and experience orgasms! I wasn't even sure I was able to be penetrated, let along enjoy it!

    Over the last 10-15 years I have had soreness from the psoriasis, biopsies and minor surgery all in that delicate area, that is all done with and hormone treatments now give the normal desires (plus now having some confidence that I can experience pleasure) but my dear is that it is all too late, I have missed the usual opportunities and heading towards 40 I am damaged goods that any potential partner would be too wary of to give a chance. None of the conditions have been life threatening but they have stolen a lot of life from me that I doubt I will get to experience now. I am just grateful Lovehoney has allowed me to experience at least something of that world.

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    Guy14357 [sign in to see picture]
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    I don’t believe in damaged goods. Ur a great person AmyA and I’m sure any partner would be lucky to have you. I’m sure there are plenty of experiences you will still get the chance to have.

    My illness has lowered my mobility so various sexual interests are now less likely and being single doesn’t help however I’m have given myself a goal of going to a Torture Garden Event in 2019.

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
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    I’m not sure what happened, but if my previous post about what happened to me offending anyone I do apologise . Good luck to all those recovering x

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    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    I’m sorry to hear of anyone who experiences any bad or traumatic experiences in relationships, whether they are emotional or physical. The best thing is to turn these negatives into positives in some ways. We all deal with things differently and the great thing about the Lovehoney forums is we all come From different walks of life, some people have grown up with disabilities or childhood/adulthood trauma which is totally normal and that’s why toys exist. It allows us a comfort zone which we can safely experiment. For instance I had quite a traumatic early twenties and it took me a little while to get back into the sexual scene. I bought a few toys and like swimming out in the ocean I dipped my toys in to paddle and slowly got deeper in the water until I was comfortable and myself again. It’s also the same as you should never run into things and struggle, almost drown and panic as this can reignite any issues before. But I’m glad you have found a safe haven and things have been resolved. The team and everyone here are beautiful and have saved me plenty of times.

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    Emerald269 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed to this thread today and from now on, it's so refreshing to hear from other people's perspectives, which personally help me a great deal. I also will try not to include TMI on my posts, but I strongly agree with 'Guy 14357'. 'Amy A' and 'Justthe2ofus' are both a wonderful inspiration of hope, strength and survival. Emerald x.

    P.S. I Feel so much better now that I've sorted this thread out, it was my fault as I went into too much detail regarding a delicate matter. Thanks for everyone's kind support x.

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    K&c30's [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya, i didn't follow the last thread but i hope you found it helpful. Amy, you are not damaged goods and people should not be wary. Don't let these thoughts hold you back, just be you and let things flow hopefully Mr right will be along soon to sweep you off your feet and treat you right.

    As for me, i discovered Lovehoney after suffering a couple of heart attacks last year. I had the urge to have sex but all my energy was gone and the stamina was zero. I didn't want my wife to suffer sexually and she had no toys. I took the risk after never having thr conversation with her to buy her the Desire rechargable bullet and the Mantic Rabbit in December last year. Wow was she over the moon. It has absolutely taken our sex lives to the next level. Given us more confidence with each other talking about sex, showing off to each other and playing together. Been an addict ever since.

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    нинаnin [sign in to see picture]
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    I recently sent a question to the Headboard on a similar issue. Here is the reply https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2018/06/14/how-can-you-become-sexually-happy-again-after-sexual-trauma/ For me, learning to accept how I am feeling now has been helpful. Even when my feelings are negative and self-pitying I don't beat myself up for wallowing. I remind myself these feelings are here, and they will pass.

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    K&c30's [sign in to see picture]
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    Just had a little read through, it's a damn good blog.

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    Emerald269 [sign in to see picture]
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    нинаnin wrote:

    I recently sent a question to the Headboard on a similar issue. Here is the reply https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2018/06/14/how-can-you-become-sexually-happy-again-after-sexual-trauma/ For me, learning to accept how I am feeling now has been helpful. Even when my feelings are negative and self-pitying I don't beat myself up for wallowing. I remind myself these feelings are here, and they will pass.

    Thanks for adding this link, it's so helpful and I completely understand how you feel about just learning to 'accept' that the bad feelings are there. They disappear sometimes and crop up again, but all you can do is keep going and move forward. It is important to remain positive, although I, myself find this very difficult at times x.

    Also, to Amy, I have suffered with chronic thrush since my teenage years. I know how you feel about yourself being 'damaged goods' I felt like this for ages. But we're not! You have to learn to tell yourself that and believe it too! In fact, to me and I'm sure to loads of others on here you come across as a really 'special' person. You were my first friend on here and I'm so grateful for that!

    I'm currently on constant treatment for my problem and visits to Gynae, I have felt for a long time that I've lost my 'femininity' and because of this, I've had a big obsession with buying underwear to make myself feel pretty. I've told myself I can't let it ruin my life (and sex life) anymore. I am doing well with 'treating' myself to undies every so often and not buying it everyday! My therapy and outreach worker helps with this.

    It's more than frustrating the amount of visits to hospital/tests/examinations etc. you've endured and believe me I totally get how it can wreck your self-esteem. But if you see how far you've come and everything you've been thru, you are such a strong woman! I am so glad you are coping with things better now and able to enjoy sexual pleasure and explore yourself. I hope to do the same. Warmest wishes and thanks for all your kind advice and sharing ur problems with me x. Just remember you're not alone in this. Sry for rabbiting on!! 🐰

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    AmyA [sign in to see picture]
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    Emerald269 wrote:

    нинаnin wrote:

    I recently sent a question to the Headboard on a similar issue. Here is the reply https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2018/06/14/how-can-you-become-sexually-happy-again-after-sexual-trauma/ For me, learning to accept how I am feeling now has been helpful. Even when my feelings are negative and self-pitying I don't beat myself up for wallowing. I remind myself these feelings are here, and they will pass.

    Thanks for adding this link, it's so helpful and I completely understand how you feel about just learning to 'accept' that the bad feelings are there. They disappear sometimes and crop up again, but all you can do is keep going and move forward. It is important to remain positive, although I, myself find this very difficult at times x.

    Also, to Amy, I have suffered with chronic thrush since my teenage years. I know how you feel about yourself being 'damaged goods' I felt like this for ages. But we're not! You have to learn to tell yourself that and believe it too! In fact, to me and I'm sure to loads of others on here you come across as a really 'special' person. You were my first friend on here and I'm so grateful for that!

    I'm currently on constant treatment for my problem and visits to Gynae, I have felt for a long time that I've lost my 'femininity' and because of this, I've had a big obsession with buying underwear to make myself feel pretty. I've told myself I can't let it ruin my life (and sex life) anymore. I am doing well with 'treating' myself to undies every so often and not buying it everyday! My therapy and outreach worker helps with this.

    It's more than frustrating the amount of visits to hospital/tests/examinations etc. you've endured and believe me I totally get how it can wreck your self-esteem. But if you see how far you've come and everything you've been thru, you are such a strong woman! I am so glad you are coping with things better now and able to enjoy sexual pleasure and explore yourself. I hope to do the same. Warmest wishes and thanks for all your kind advice and sharing ur problems with me x. Just remember you're not alone in this. Sry for rabbiting on!! 🐰

    Thank you for your ever so sweet reply, they treated my problem as thrush for a long time so you totally have my sympathy for what that entails. I guess you could saying had perhaps not hateful but certainly 'detached' and confused relationship with my lady parts 🤣 even now I only really use toys, not fingers. However I have progressed and I've said before that I am constantly amazed and fascinated by what my body can do and how it reacts and I'm proud not to have any fears in exploring every aspect of that.

    As for being special, I am so touched that you said that, I'm really not 'special' I have just gained so much much pleasure (and knowledge) from here that i love to take any opportunity I can to pass on what i've learnt and if it brings anyone even a small percentage of the happiness i found here then it brings me a lot of joy.

    I have had CBT but didn't find it helpful, I am currently having peer-to-peer support which is very good for practical aspects but really I am on waiting list for counseling. 

    This is such an amazing and unique place and I see time and time again the difference it makes to people. Whether it's looking for advise of celebrating achievements you'll do just fine here! Take care and thanks again.

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    Emerald269 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you so much Amy, it is people like you that make all the difference on these forums and I totally agree with you, that if you can give someone friendly advice or even just brighten their day then it makes life worth it. I get joy out of helping others as u do and I'm just so happy to chat 2 u 2! Keep doing what you're doing and love your body, I hope you manage to get to the point where you can use ur fingers for pleasure. I know I got stressed last nite as it took so long to make myself orgasm with my fingers and felt really deflated about it this morning, I use lubes, try watching porn and everything! Even with my hubby touching me I can't get clitoral orgasm (I know a lot of it is to do with abuse years ago and illness, as you will understand). Talking to you has helped so much today and I'm determined to be able to orgasm in a short time one day!! I'm 33 and it's like talking to a m8 that's the same age as me, really cool! All the best for now and have a good nite👠 x.

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
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    I find it really difficult to play solo, especially using fingers. I’ve managed to climax 3 times, but now I’m back to not being able to 😞 I can use a wand alone, but I do find I can’t play in front of my hubby. Therapy is helping me to communicate. I am a selective mute, so talking and discussing even the smallest of things are extremely difficult. My hubby is very patient and I can text him, as talking about sex is still new to me.

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    Emerald269 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello 'justthe2ofus', nice 2 chat 2 u again! I know how you feel, I've managed to achieve orgasm only occasionally with finger play and I don't know whether it's shyness or the fact I just can't achieve it (even with toys at the mo) 'in front' of my husband. I know I certainly need to relax more, but my body and mind won't let me!!! I need to 'retrain them' from the beginning, I think. I actually can't wait to go to Psychosexual therapy to try and help with my issues, hubby has been ill and I've had to put certain appointments off as I can't get to places on my own (I have complete memory blackouts and get lost and panic). I look forward to when I reach the top of the counselling list aswell. It seems like it's taking forever to sort myself out, but I've not given up the fight yet!! I am also new to talking about sex and lucky, like you my hubby has patience of a saint! Good luck for now and thank you 👠 x.

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    Gran [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all of you I just wanted to say I was following the original thread and I don't see why it was taken down. I think this is the perfect place for discussing our difficulties. We're all grown ups, we don't have to participate if we find a thread too much - just saying. I'm really glad you felt able to raise such difficult things. AmyA - honey, it's never too late, and you're no more damaged than the rest of humanity. You're you. As you are, and perfect. I'm 67 and have been seriously ill for the last 4 years, but I've just got together with an old flame of 15 years ago, who's also been ill. Our relationship now is so open and trusting, so beautiful. We're trying things we've never done before, and thanks to LH we're learning to play with toys. JT2OU - darling, not so long ago you were trying new things and rediscovering your hubby and your sexuality. Trust the process. It *will* come back. Thank you Emerald for your courage and openness. Huge love to you all, you brace and amazing women. Love from Gran x

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    Gran [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry about the lack of paragraphs, the site seems to lose all formatting! Hope it's readable

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
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    Gran Yea, trauma manisfests in so many different ways. Whilst I was making progress, things that were buried deep down have surfaced and hit my recovery. I’m hoping things will improve soon x

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    Justthe2ofus2007 [sign in to see picture]
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    Gran Yea, trauma manisfests in so many different ways. Whilst I was making progress, things that were buried deep down have surfaced and hit my recovery. I’m hoping things will improve soon x

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    Gran [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes! And you will spiral around it, each turn clearing a little more. It helps to remember, when you hit the hard bits, that you're ready to clear another layer, and you will come through it, and you will have good times and feel good again. You're so brace to begin this process. I think I've said a few times, in a few places, maybe try EMDR. Or if you can find a practitioner in your area, there's nothing better than SOMATIC EXPERIENCING for clearing trauma. The body will release it. You don't have to re-experience it all, your body holds the memories, and more importantly, holds the tightness of the trauma. With love. Gran

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    Gran [sign in to see picture]
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    +brave

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